Chapter Seventeen

Cookie Dough Fudge Mint Chip

Authors Note: In between my updates I want to encourage you guys to go check out the story New World Rising by Faith Slayer89. She's a good friend of mine and I have to say that this story she is currently writing is blowing me away. I think you guys would definitely enjoy it.

To yodaschum13: LOL. Breath. Take deep deep breathes. In and out. Everything will be okay. Well, actually that's kind of a lie but I'm not going to tell you the truth in fear that you'll have a seizure right then and there. Thank you for the review. It keeps things interesting for me. And come on. Do you really think you would have enjoyed the chapter so much if I hadn't pulled something so unexpected on all of you?  I'm evil. I know it, and I love it. 

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since I had come back here to the place that I should consider my home. Three weeks since our tearful goodbye, and three weeks since I'd been truly happy. Isn't heaven supposed to be a place where you feel no grief, no remorse or fear? I thought it was. But since I've been here that seems to be all I've felt. The moment I got here, all the memories of my time in heaven before my little trip down to Angel had come rushing back. I remember clearly thinking that I needed to get to Angel, that everything would be okay once I got to him. The funny thing was, even then, even before I had gone down and had seen first hand what a hell zone Earth had become, I had never once planned to come back. I didn't care about the proverbial contract that I had signed, all I cared about was getting to Angel. Don't get me wrong. I was happy here. Nothing upset me, not even when I saw all the horrible things that had happened to my friends and family in my absence. I hadn't experience their pain though like I had when I was down there. It was like the moment I got there every feeling that was floating around had hit me, and they weren't about to let go now that I was back in paradise. A little piece of hell had stuck with me through my trip.

The moment I had arrived here, the moment the white light that had brought us through faded, I ran. I ran to a place that I had visited so many times before. It was nothing more then a graveyard, almost like the ones back in Sunnydale, except the sun always shined here. It was our connection between the living and the divine. It was here that you could look down and check on your loved ones that had stayed behind. For the first couple of years I was here, I'd spend hours just looking down on my friends. My time slowly started lessening though as one by one they joined me. For the past couple hundred years the only one I checked on had been Angel. And now, once again, I was back to that same routine. I sat there in the graveyard, seeing everything happening around him like it was nothing more then some TV show on a big screen. I was looking in from the outside once again. By the time I reached here, the amount of time it took for me to run here was maybe about two minutes Earth time, time here had no meaning, he was still standing in the exact same spot, just looking at the area that I had disappeared from moments before. And then he broke. He slid down the wall and cried as he tried to accept the fact that he was never going to see me again. I don't know how long I sat there, how long I watched him as silent tears slid down my face as well. But soon he had fallen asleep, and it was only then that Willow came to get me and made me rest also.

Now three weeks have past and I practically live in this graveyard. After that night, Angel never seemed upset again. Calmly he told Spike and Connor what had happened, shocking the two of them into complete silence, and actually getting a sympathetic I'm sorry from the both of them. But other then that, he never talked of me. Spike and Connor did. I seemed to be the main subjects of their conversation when Angel wasn't in the room. I was shocked to learn that Connor had actually cared about what had just happened, and even more shocked when Spike's voice grew soft as he told Connor there was nothing we could do about it, Angel just needed to deal with this in his own way. Not once before in my life had I ever thought Spike would be the one to understand Angel like this. To understand that he can't be pushed into a grieving process, he was different then others. He had to come to things on his own terms and put on the show of being strong to everyone else. The two people that were left in that world, the two people that were most familiar to Angel, were the same two people that I had thought all this time hated him the most. These two were the ones that I was almost positive were going to contribute to Angel's downfall. And yet there they sat, giving a new light to the term of understanding. I don't know why it surprised me so much. They've been through thick and thin, mostly thick, with Angel for the past couple of years, they knew him even if they never would admit it. Unbeknownst to most, they knew the pain he was going through at the moment, the things he wouldn't show to the public eye, the things he would rarely show to me.

"Buffy, you've got to leave him. You've got to stop torturing yourself like this." Willow sat beside me in that graveyard, trying in the best way she knew how to coax me out of my mindless staring at a world I couldn't be a part of anymore. Her face was drawn tight with worry. She always knew that I had watched over Angel. She sometimes sat with me. But it would be the occasional viewing of him maybe every couple of days. Not the incisive mind controlling stare that I seemed to be doing at the moment.

"I'm not leaving him Wil."

"You've already left him." She said quietly.

"I have to go back down there."

"Buffy…"

"No! Alright? Don't you start! How are we expected to sit up here like this? I don't get it Wil. How can we just stand by with everything that's going on down there? Knowing full well that people are dying every damn second while we sit up here in a place that most don't even dream of at night. I can't stay here. This isn't paradise to me anymore. It's the exact opposite." And it was the truth. Every moment I was spending up here seemed to be a days worth of torture. My heart and soul belonged down there, not here. This wasn't the place I was meant to be. I was no longer ready for that rest I used to wish for. I wanted nothing more then to put up a fight now.

"It'll get better over time." Willow said soothingly. "You just have to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient. I want to help."

"You can't Buffy. You've lived your life, you got a second chance, one that most people are never allowed to get. You have to accept this and start living… well, not necessarily living but… you know what I mean. You have to stop sitting here day in and day out. Angel wouldn't want you to do that."

"Yeah, well Angel doesn't want me to do a lot of things. But since when has that stopped me?"

"In the end it'll all work itself out Buffy."

"You don't know that."

"I don't have to know it. I just have to believe it."

Despite Willows words though I still came to the graveyard every day, still watched him carry out the fight that I believed I should be a part of. Watched him struggle with the decisions he had to make, watched him agonize over his son, over the people he was supposed to be helping. It killed me to see him like this. But I didn't really have a choice. I promised him we would fight together. That we wouldn't brave the damn storm alone. I couldn't break that promise even if I was dead. All I needed was the right opening and I was out of here.

"Giles come on and think. We're the all divine here. You should know what the piece of paper did."

"Buffy," Giles took of his glasses and started cleaning them. We had been having the same conversation for over and hour now. "I'm telling you. I have no idea what the spell was. That wasn't my life. That was a different version of me, a different plane of reality."

"But we're on a higher plane! Shouldn't we like... I don't know… be able to know everything?"

"What would be the fun in that?"

"I don't want fun Giles. I want answers. That piece of paper could be the very thing that we need. I have to know what it is."

"And I'm telling you, I have no idea. Buffy, there are thousands of different realities out there. More then we can even imagine. They all coexist together without knowing it. When one dies they go to where they're supposed to be, whether it's heaven or a different plane of existence. Two people from different realties are never going to meet. If they did you'd see millions, most likely even billions of different versions of yourself walking around. You said so yourself Buffy, by choosing something just as simple as what you're wearing today, you create a new reality, a new path and a new race. The person that gave you that paper wasn't me. It's some different form of me. I'm not going to know what he's thinking just as I don't know what you're thinking. I'm sorry Buffy, I wish I could be of more help."

"That's the point though Giles. Whether or not you guys ever met, you should still know what he's doing. It's still you in some shape or form, it's still the exact same mind."

"Not necessarily. What if I never came out of my Ripper days? What if I still acted like that twenty years down the line. My way of thought wouldn't have been the same, it would literally be like meeting a completely different person."

"But Giles…"

"Buffy, for the last time I don't know what was on that piece of paper. I don't even understand how it got there in the first place."

"I told you, I told him exactly where to hide it and…"

"Buffy, this paper was buried under ground with no protection, going up against the changes of society, sitting under a place where buildings where erected, where natural disasters probably happened, I don't see how that thing could possibly survive."

"Thousands of papers have been preserved over longer periods of times."

"Yes, but they have protection. They have facilities filled with people working every day to keep them that way. This thing didn't."

"So what are you trying to tell me then?" I was growing impatient really fast. The way he sighed reminded me of the days back in the high school library. He was seeing something I obviously wasn't. But with the small shift of his eyes it came to me as clear as day. "You don't think you actually hid it do you."

He was silent for a moment at my brief almost whispered words. "It seems highly unlikely."

"So then the theory of it actually did nothing good and that it's most likely counting against us is…"

"Highly likely and more plausible."

I leaned my head against a tree. "Damn it." I whispered. Why hadn't I thought of this before? I went through high school science. Why didn't' it hit me that that little piece of paper couldn't last this whole time.

"I'm sure everything will be fine Buffy. It's been close to two months since you've said the spell now and nothing has happened."

I shook my head. "I can't help thinking though that the same people that planted that piece of paper are the same ones that sent me to that fake little reality in the first place. Something's going on Giles. I know it." I looked up to the fabricated sky above me. It never ceased to amaze me that my version of heaven was the same as Earth. Even though I was dead, I couldn't' seem to get past the sense of having the place look like whatever I wanted. Sure I was perfectly fine with thinking up of a little place in the Bahamas to spend my time in. But that was human sites. Land, tree's, the grass and the animals were all just a human's way of life. I couldn't' think of anything else to live in. I couldn't think of anything that would fit the theory of being able to bend your surrounding at your will because to me, surrounding equaled things you see.

"Giles, why now?" I said after my brief ramblings. My mind had been doing that a lot lately. Going off on the little things that I used to take for granted. "Why did they choose now to bring me back? It can't be a coincidence. I won't believe that. I can't believe that."

"You have to have faith that it was all for a reason."

"Oh I know it was for a reason. I'm just saying I don't think it's the reason that they've told me."

"Buffy, from the very beginning they told you that you'd be coming back as soon as Angel was better."

I shrugged. There was more to it. There had to be. Things weren't that simple. In all my life, the greatest thing that I've learned is things aren't always that black and white.

"Buffy," I turned my head at the sound of Willows voice. I didn't want to hear how I needed to let go of the threads tying me to Earth. I didn't want to hear speeches about how everything would work out one day. That in the end good always triumphs over evil. In my heart I knew that she was probably right about most of the things she said. But the fact that I was sitting around on my ass while people younger then me were dying didn't sit well with me. I'm a warrior, helping people, making sure that they're safe, is my job.

"Yeah?" My voice was tired from the thought of the conversation that was coming.

"You um… you need to come see this."

"What?" I turned fully to her. Her voice was laced with anxiety.

"Just… you have to come and see this okay. Don't ask me to explain just come."

Getting up I brushed off the imaginary grass that was sticking to my jeans and followed her. In a matter of seconds we were down by a river, the sound of the water soothing to my ears. Willow stopped, motioning me to venture forward. "Willow what…?" She just shooed me though, leaving me no choice but to walk down to the rivers bank. That's when I first noticed her.

A young girl sat on one of the rocks, swinging her legs back and forth, staring out at the calming rush of water passing by. I gave a brief thought as to where the water was actually going, but skipped it out of my mind and looked at the girl instead. There was something so familiar about her. It struck me the moment I got close. It was almost as if I knew her, like I was being drawn to her, but I just couldn't' quite remember who exactly she was. She turned her face to me smiling slightly as the warm sun shone down on her, causing the highlights in her hair to turn golden.

"Hi," She said.

"Hi," I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Why was it so important that I see this? Willow had came in with the expression of horror written on her features, causing me to believe it was something that was going to make me upset.

"You're Buffy right?"

"Yeah, how did you…?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Let's just say it's a matter of finally fitting the square peg into the round hole." I raised my eyebrow. "What? It's sounded better then plane old instinct." She turned back to the water, resting her hands on her knees. "You can sit down if you want. I don't bite."

Blindly I sat down next to her, feeling the warmth of the sun wash over me as I came out form the shading of the trees.

"It's funny you know? I never thought the afterlife would be like this."

"Yeah, it's pretty much the same as Earth."

"You're kidding me? This is so much better then back home. There's sun here. There are flowers and trees and grass and water that isn't red from the spilt blood." She scrunched up her nose. "This is just like the stories I heard."

"Stories?"

"I had a friend when I was alive, he was kind of like an older brother to me, more so then my actual brother, actually he was probably more of an uncle since he was like really old… that's not the point though. Anyway, he used to tell me story after story of how life used to be. He'd tell me about the laughter that filled the air. About how he used to get so mad when he was sleeping during the day because he'd here lovers walking outside his cryp… house, whispering terms of sickening endearment. I just never thought it was true though. I've only seen the world of darkness. This is just like a fairy tale."

"I can guarantee you Prince Charming isn't going to come riding up on his horse any time soon."

She laughed. "Good, I never thought Charming was all that great looking in the first place. I'm sorry, but no one is as perfect as they make him out to be. I'll take the dark and romantic types any day. You know, the ones that just make you smile because they're like…" She stopped for a moment trying to choose her next words. "They're like a blueberry muffin with the crunchy munchy stuff on top. Ya just can't get enough of them."

I smiled a little. She reminded me so much of myself when I was a teenager. "I know exactly what you mean."

Silence overtook us as the sounds of the rustling trees took the place of our words. What else was there to say between us? I didn't know this girl. Was I just supposed to say 'So, how did you die?' Somehow that just seemed a little to forward for my liking.

"I was murdered."

"Excuse me." My head snapped up to look at her. She was still looking up at the sun, seemingly fascinated by it. But I guess anyone that had never seen the sun in their whole life would be.

"You were wondering how I died. I was murdered."

"How'd you….?

"We went over that already remember? The whole square peg in a whole analogy." A hint of a smile played on her lips causing a funny feeling to wash over me. I'd seen that smile before. I'd seen him give it dozens of times. "You can ask it you know."

"Ask what?"

"Where you know me from."

I just starred at her. "Has anyone ever told you that your whole little intuition thingy is kind of freaky?"

She broke out into a full out grin this time. "My father used to tell me that all the time." She tilted her head to the side, now facing me. "So, do ya wanna know?"

"I think you already know that answer to that." She nodded her head in agreement and then turned silent once again. After a few moments had past and she still hadn't said anything I looked at her curiously. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

She got this look of innocence on her face but I could clearly see the evil grin she was trying to hide. "Tell you what?"

"How do I know you?"

"You know me?"

"You know, I'm not your average human."

"Well duh. You're not even human. You're a… it. Or whatever we're called now."

"Point is, I could kick your ass if I needed to."

"You better watch what you say, I may just surprise you." I looked her over briefly wondering if she was a slayer or not. She certainly had the spunk and the attitude it took to become a slayer. But weren't' slayers practically Leon's property at the moment? The question of where the hell did I know her from though seemed to be the more pressing one in my eyes. Getting up she stretched a little. "Is there anything to drink around here?"

"Umm…" I too got up. "Yeah… I guess. What'd you want?"

"I don't know. I just feel like drinking something. I'm craving a caffeine overdose."

"Did you want some coffee or something?"

"No, coffee makes me all jumpy."

"You could probably conjure up a soda."

She shook her head. "I've changed my mind. I want ice cream. I mean, this is paradise right? You don't really have to worry about putting on a few pounds… or a few hundred. Funny thing is though, I've never really had ice cream. I mean, I've heard of it and people say that it's better then sex…. What's your favorite kind? Ice cream that is, not sex. Is there certain kinds of sex even? Maybe I'll start out with that. Again, you're choice in ice cream, not sex."

I just kind of looked at her, she definitely wasn't shy about things. "Umm… Cookie dough Fudge Mint Chip."

A sour look came across her face as she scrunched it up into a vision of repulsion. "I think I'll pas on that one. Bad images."

"Bad images? You said you've never had ice cream before. How can you have bad images about something you've never even had?"

"Hey, if you found out that your mother licked it off your father's chest; you'd know how I feel."

I froze.