Albert the Kacheek—I could never reach a verdict on this character. Since I often reluctantly collaborated with the Esophagor, repulsive and gluttonous as he was, my branches often brushed against the discontent Kacheek, delivering information with disdain between the Esophagor and me. In some ways I pitied the Kacheek—when he arrived at the Haunted Woods, he had been filled with noble, if naïve, intentions. The Esophagor, selfishly, had turned Albert's quest to beautify the world into one to merely get his life back to normal. I often vowed that if I ever came across a Spotted Paint Brush, I would immediately deliver it to Albert, post haste.
Such an opportunity had never come along, though, and as the Haunted Woods began to take its toll on the Kacheek's spirit, I began to pity him less and less. He grew unbearably cynical and biting, responding to everything with an unnecessary dash of sarcasm. Though I often did this myself, one never likes to see their tactics turned back on them. The more alike personalities are, I accepted, the more they grow to hate each other—and as Albert's temperament began to closely mirror mine, a distaste towards the Mutant overwhelmed me.
When he came strutting up with a bag filled with something that wriggled within, I could only assume the worst. I looked up from my etches in the mud, and quickly hid the flower at my trunk from his sight. His obsession for botanical delights might compel him to steal my Neopian beauty. I straightened myself out so I looked like a true tree, branches grasping longingly for the unattainable sky.
"Good evening, Albert. You're here rather late. Esohagor send you for a midnight snack?"
"Nope." He was wheezing slightly with the effort it took to haul the bag towards me. He finally plopped it in front of me, watching it will dull eyes as the bag writhed out of its own will.
"Good Lord, Albert, what have you got in there?" I inquired, shooting him a suspicious look.
"My one-way ticket to freedom, that's what," he replied, nodding succinctly. He leaned forward over the bag, reaching for the opening. Slowly, he loosened it, and waited until I was watching for theatrical emphasis. "May I introduce you to the one and only—"
Whatever was inside the bag neglected Albert the chance to finish his introduction speech. Bursting from the bag came a diluted red form, which quickly revealed itself to be a miniature version of a Grarrl—a Baby. It gave one look towards Albert and gave a squeal of fear, rushing over to my trunk and grasping it firmly with one arm, sticking its other thumb in its mouth.
"What … is this, Albert?" I demanded, gazing with disgust down at the Baby. I had never been a fan of Neopets—even the Halloween variety, which were somewhat tolerable—and Baby Neopets, in my perception, were the height of repulsive cuteness.
"It's my hostage," he replied, walking up behind the Grarrl. He grasped her by the hips and began to attempt to pry her from her leech-like grip on my bark, but to no avail. "Her name's—ugh!—Validated, but you can—c'mon, come off you little tapeworm—call her Vali." He sat back for a moment, releasing the Grarrl who exacted her vice grip on my trunk. "Little help here?" he demanded, gesturing towards Vali.
"And why," I demanded, "do you have a hostage at all?"
"I need the ransom money."
"For what?" At the mention of ransom, I knelt one branch down, seeming to shelter Vali from Albert. With an eager willingness, she scampered onto my branch, cooing with apparent delight. I lifted her back up into the air, high above Albert's head, and Vali clapped her hands, giving approving gurgles.
"That's between me and the Esophagor," insisted Albert, and then gestured towards Vali above him. "Now give'er back. I know you hate kids just as much as I do, and I'm not gonna trust you to keep her in tact."
"Fine. I don't want her. She's your problem, after all. It was your brilliant idea to steal her."
"Not steal, just … borrow. Borrow without permission, and until the owner pays up."
"You're such a noble creature, Albert," I said, voice dripping with sarcasm. Still, I let my bough swoop back to the ground, placing Vali alongside Albert. I practically had to shake her off of my branch, as she gripped to it like a shipwrecked man to his life preserver. Once on the ground, she looked up at me with saucer-plate eyes, begging me to allow her back in my branches. "Off with you two now," I said, shooing the Kacheek and his hostage with a wave of my branches, stirring up a breeze. "And don't bring that sniveling little child around here anymore, do you hear me?"
Albert did—but apparently, Vali didn't. As he turned to leave, one hand securely fastened around Vali's wrist, she turned with a suddenness, breaking out of his grasp. He gave a little yelp and spun around, only to find Vali once again pinned purposefully to my trunk, glaring back at him with green, spiteful eyes. I looked down at the Baby Grarrl with disapproving confusion, trying to brush her off—gently—with a branch. She squealed sadly when I attempted this, and it only encouraged her to grip me tighter. "Get off of me, you little runt," I growled, but she was, unlike so many other Neopets, barely shaken by the intimidation in my voice. She cooed ignorantly, and Albert looked me up and down, seeming to study Vali's tendencies. I could practically see the plan forming in his mind—the plan to relieve himself of yet another burden and place it upon my old and weathered limbs.
"Hey, Brain Tree," he said slowly, seeming to try and pull out just the right words to convince me. "That little Grarrl … she seems to've taken a shine to you, eh?"
"She is young and foolish. Perhaps she has not heard the true tales of what happen to those who cross the Brain Tree."
"See, exactly. Nobody messes with you, Brain Tree. But me? That's a different story. Neopets see me, and my looks just seem to scream 'mess with me!' at them. If I had to defend Vali, well, I'd be screwed. I've got no Battledome talent, and well, uh, I'm pretty easy to beat anyway, and my look seem to attract bullies, and …"
"You're plotting something, Albert," I said dryly, "and I will not go along with it. This Grarrl is your own baggage—literally—not mine. Now take you awkward planning elsewhere, I need some time to think."
"Well! Well!" Albert was trying to catch my attention, not bothering to reclaim Vali. He was determined to deposit Vali upon me, no matter what convoluted logic he had to summon. "Think about this, Brain Tree. I mean, since she's just a Baby, Vali may not have the most knowledge in the world, but maybe she could give you, uh, perspective, like how she sees the world and stuff. And, and! With her cute little looks and all, you could probably convince a wider range of, uh, scholars to try your Quests."
"Don't use your faulty logic on me, Albert," I snarled, becoming outright hostile. "You just want do dump your burden on me, so that you don't have to deal with taking care of what you started. Is that right?" I reached my branches high over my head, throwing them over Albert's head in a threatening canopy. Albert seemed to shrink beneath the sinister shape of my branches, baring his fangs instinctively in fright.
"W-w-well, that's sort of what it is … I mean, I can't really pull anything over your eyes …"
"You're right you can't. I am the Brain Tree, and while I cannot see in the future, I can see through you like glass." I glared at him ominously until I determined he had cowered enough, and then brought my boughs back to their normal position. Albert scampered off without any more of his persuasion, diving into and disappearing n a clump of tangled grass. I smirked as I watched him retreat, his bluish tail tucked hard between his legs. "Fool," I uttered, rolling my eyes.
My attention turned away from the vanished Kacheek and to my immediate peril—the Baby Grarrl, Vali, drooling as my roots. I wasn't sure why I had subconsciously complied to keep the little runt, for as soon as I laid my eyes upon her cinnabar head, bile seemed to rise in the back of my mouth. I didn't know what to do with the little pest, but I presumed it would be counterproductive to destroy her, though it would show Albert a thing or two about abandoning his commitments. I contemplated what I could do with the brat, and perhaps what use she could be to me.
But my thoughts were interrupted—a rare thing—by Vali herself, scrambling along my roots. She had released my trunk and wandered to where I protected the hardy flower, lifting up my leaves to peer at its petals. I was startled at first, ready to knock her away from it to preserve and protect its purity, but as I looked closer, I noticed she had no apparent intention to torment my treasure. Rather, she admired it as I had on first discovering it, her eyes wide and adoring. She reached forward cautiously, and I tensed, waiting to knock her back, but she did not, as I suspected, rip it from the ground. Instead, she stroked its petals delicately, so soft and silken to the touch, fragrant even amongst the Forest's stench.
"Boo-tee-full," she cooed, cupping the flower delicately in her palms. She placed her nose gingerly inside its tight petals, and inhaled its scent.
"Be careful," I murmured to her, enchanted by her reaction to its splendor, "beauty like that's a fragile thing."
Her blank look served as a poker face that shut me out from the primitive workings of her mind. Yet I knew some higher mind already worked deep inside of her. Though she would one day swell and grow to a toothy, prehistoric beast, for now she was full of innocence and a plane mirror for the Neopian beauty, radiating back at it with equal, if borrowed, light.
"I want that money," I said flatly, "and I want it now."
If I was in a lighter mood, I would've danced around the subject gracefully. With the dire situation, however, I was willing to be blunt and crass.
The green Skeith—my bank account manager, Max—cleared his throat audibly and adjusted the tie around his fat neck. He was sweating visibly, and emitting a stink that filled my eyes with tears. It was a hot day, yes, and the air conditioning was lagging behind on its duties, but I found it impossible for a Neopet to sweat so much without stopping. The white of his shirt under his suit was darkened by that perspiration, clinging to his chest. I had never enjoyed visiting him, but my owner had started our bank account with the meaty nitwit, and we were obligated by contract to continue with him.
"I don't mean to irk you, Ms. Fernypoo—"
"Princess Fernypoo," I reminded, just barely able to keep my voice below a shriek.
"Yes, my apologies, Princess Fernypoo. In any case, ma'am, I've been firmly instructed by my employer not to release any money to your possession."
I gritted my teeth against aggravation. "This is about the press releases, isn't it?" I said, my jaw bulging at the sides.
"Well, yes," he admitted hoarsely. "The police are meant to deal with the manner, and we can't let you withdraw any sums exceeding one thousand Neopoints. Anything else, we're afraid, could be used towards ransom money."
"But this isn't," I lied insistently. "This is only for some … stress shopping. To try and shop off … this situation."
Max was already shaking his head before I finished my sentence lamely. "I'm afraid my hands are tied, Princess Fernypoo. If you'd like, you can talk to my manager."
I nodded curtly, and Max retreated behind the counter and into a room, closing the door behind him. The room served as an effective veil besides the translucent window marked with his manager's name. The dull rumblings of conversation came from behind it. After a moment more of impatient toe-tapping, Max emerged from the room with a respectable looking Desert Shoyru, cool and collected despite the heat.
"Good afternoon, Princess Fernypoo. It's a pleasure to see you at the National Neopian today. Max here says you're requesting to withdraw a sum of fifty thousand Neopoints?" His hide was golden and his face attractive, even without his weighty headdress. Just gazing at him as opposed to Max relieved my nerves.
"Yes," I said with a sigh and a smile, "that's what I asked for. Just a little money to get me by for the week. My owner only has so much money outside of our shop till and pocket, you understand." Another lie. We had an ornate and complicated safe in the closet, for urgent occasions.
"I understand, indeed, Princess Fernypoo. Unfortunately, our policy is to never give out money if a ransom is involved, and the police are already on the case. I hope this doesn't conflict with your lifestyle," he purred. He was radiant, like gold, forged from the soft metal itself. With those words alone, he had convinced me it was for my greater good I was disallowed access to my money. I nodded hungrily.
"No, no. I understand. I was just making sure Max here wasn't trying to deceive me." I shot a suspicious look in his direction and his face twitched with humiliation. The Shoyru laughed heartily and nodded, patting his hand on the counter.
"No worries, Princess. We only employ the finest clerks here at the National Neopian. Your money is in good hands. Good day, miss."
The Shoyru returned to his office, seeming to leave a trail of brilliant things behind him. I watched his silhouette through the clouded window for a moment before Max intercepted on that sight, placing his bulk in my line of vision.
"So sorry to inconvenience you, Princess, but orders are orders," he said sheepishly with a shrug. My tone immediately turned sour.
"Yes, yes, I understand. I need to get to lunch now," I replied acidly. Max winced slightly at my sharp tone, but I didn't care for his opinion, and didn't give him a farewell. I was leaving, bringing only the memory of that glorious Shoyru with me.
I turned halfway to begin to retreat out the door when an idea struck me—an idea executed by many princesses and fair maidens in the past. A smile came to my lips, and I turned back suddenly. I approached the counter where Max sat, bewildered, this time with a different tune shaking in my hips. Rather than open hostility, I tried the roundabout path of charm.
"Actually, Mr. Max, I am going to lunch … but I have nobody to accompany me." I added in the 'mister' for effort. 'Mister' always seemed to make men fall to their knees so much easier.
Max was a bit harder to manipulate, however, which was understandable. It had been foolish of me to outright barrage him—with Neopets in places one needed to get to, the proper tactic was always flattery and gobs of charm. I had these in spades, when needed, and now I tried to deal myself a royal flush.
"Hold on. Weren't you just pissed at me a second earlier?"
"A man of a mathematical mind has far too much logic for the emotions of a woman," I smirked, but added an element of seduction to the mockery. He rose slightly in his seat, visibly intrigued.
"W-well, I do get out of work in a few minutes," he admitted, clearing his throat. Something had to be done about that. A man who cleared his throat every few seconds displayed insecurity on his sleeve.
"Perfect. I'm not starving, anyhow. I'll wait for you out in the front," I promised, and turned away, giving an extra vavoom to the wiggle in my hips. I could feel his eyes bearing down on my body as I retreated outdoors, taking a seat elegantly on the steps. They were hard, and concrete, and not worthy of my sitting, but Max was out, as promised, in a few minutes. I allowed him to help me to my feet with aid of his scratchy and sweaty palm, barely able to stifle my gag reflex. I led him to my chariot which waited expectantly behind the building, hooked up to a pair of fine, well-groomed Unis. My cab driver, a toady Quiggle, ceased picking his nose the moment he saw me, sitting up straight and smiling forcedly.
"Princess Fernypoo! What a delight. I thought you'd be in there forever."
"Oh, I ran into a few … potholes," I admitted, shooting a discreet glance towards Max. He didn't catch the subtle glare. "But don't worry, Gilby, it should be smooth sailing from here on in." Max helped me into the carriage from behind, and then lumbered in himself, barely fitting into the space next to me. He was practically dripping on my fine clothes, and I subtly pulled them closer to my thighs so they wouldn't be soaked by his sweat.
"And who do we have here?" inquired Gilby—officially Gilb3rt, but nicknamed otherwise—straining his neck to get a better look at Max. Gilby grinned a stupid grin. "Another one of your admirers?"
I wanted to puke at his comment, but restrained myself to a slight burp that tasted of vomit. I laughed after the burp, waving Gilby away, regaining my ingrained manners. "No, no, no. Allow me to introduce you two. Max, this is Gilb3rt, my cab driver. Gilb3rt, this is Max, my bank clerk." I declined to mention that Gilby, trashy as he was, and I had one crucial thing in common—we were both lab rats. Only a few days earlier, Gilby had been a fine looking Purple Blumaroo—now he was reduced to the squalor of a common Green Quiggle, my worst nightmare. Shockingly, he didn't seem to mind—but such is the life of the lower class.
"Pleasure to meet you," rumbled Max, grinning that horrible, wide grin at Gilby. Gilby nodded back in acknowledgment, touching the reigns to the Uni's backs. They immediately took flight, taking our carriage along with them.
"I hope you don't mind if we eat at the Golden Dubloon," I told Max, turning to him slightly. "I know it can be a bit rowdy and trashy, but I haven't made reservations to kelp. Perhaps another time." There would be no other time, if this excursion went well. Max shrugged.
"The less it costs, the more I can afford."
I could imagine how that would be an advantage to an obese, drenched piece of dung as himself. I didn't vocalize this observation.
We arrived on the sands of Krawk Island unmarred, Gilby executing a flawless landing. (I had hired him for his impeccable skill with Unis, after all, not his dashing good looks.) I tossed Gilby a few coins to park and wait with the carriage, promising to bring a doggie bag. I walked in a few steps ahead of Max, trying to keep a visible distance that would not insult him.
The truth was, I had picked the Golden Dubloon as our dining place as I didn't fear us being seen together there. Kelp required a distinguished and well-versed guest to attend, and though I did have reservations there for today, I lacked that refined guest I sought. Perhaps if I had brought along the Shoyru I would've eaten a fine meal that day, but the Shoyru, I deduced, would not be as easily swayed as Max. Max was the sort that received minimal attention in their life, whether from their owner or other Neopets—just giving him a smattering of social interaction could yield grand favors for giving him such a rare experience.
The Golden Dubloon was loud and rowdy as always, and far too cramped for my space. Pirate Neopets and their grungy Petpets alike crowded into the restaurant, shouting in place of speaking, filling the air with chortling and occasionally engaging each other in a rousing sea chanty. While I couldn't bear the noise, discreetly plugging my ears with my antennae, Max seemed energized by the surroundings.
Captain Hackett greeted us warmly, slinging a golden-hooked arm around Max's shoulder and escorting the two of us to an intimate table. Though I would prefer to be among the sweaty-yet-chiseled bodies of the pirates, the purposes I had come to the Dubloon with required a quieter setting, and I was grateful for Hackett's consideration.
Max ordered as if he hadn't eaten in weeks, while I limited myself to a salad and a cocktail. As we waited for our order, I leaned forward across the table, indicating dialogue. Max, fascinated by the crowd, took a moment to catch on.
"So tell me, Max," I asked, scratching the side of my face lightly, "how's business these days?"
"Okay, I guess. Stock market's pretty stable, so nobody's been in a rush to deposit any Neopoints or withdraw any." He paused, awkwardly searching for a subject to segueway into. "So, um, how's, ah … whatever you do?"
"Fantastic," I replied, with a hint of sarcasm. "Despite the obvious fact that Vali's gone."
"I really am sorry for that, Princess," he insisted, nodding his head sincerely. "If I could help in anyway, I'd be on it like that." He gave a snap of his clawed fingers. I thought of approaching the subject of lending me the money on friend-to-friend terms, but decided it was far too early in the conversation to approach something prickly and fresh like that. I needed to distract him first, preferably after his first few draughts of tropical grog.
"It is … hard," I confessed with an elaborate sigh. "The house feels so … empty without our little Baby Grarrl wandering around. There's no one to bump into anything, to knock any vases down. Good in some senses, but … depressing in others."
"Baby Grarrl, huh? You don't see many of those lately. Everybody's in love with their … Baby Zafaras, and … Baby Unis …" He seemed to be entranced by this fact for a moment, spinning something around in his head. I caught his attention by clicking my fingers slightly, and then smiling bashfully.
"But yes, it's tragic. I've been having to drown myself in friends, and excess games of Cheat!"
"How's Cheat! working for you? You like it?"
"Of course I do. It's absolutely exhilarating. When you're in the heat of the game, inspecting everyone's faces and wondering who's a fibber, you can only concentrate on your cards and countenances. It's thrilling to keep a poker face through a time like that, and even better when you win." I paused for a beat. "If you'd like, you could come over to see my trophies sometime." False promises poured from my lips like sweat from Max's glands.
"Sure, sure," he agreed, an excitement in his voice. I almost felt guilty. "I've always wanted to play Cheat! before, but I'm not too good at reading people's faces." Apparently, because I could barely keep my face straight from breaking out into peals of saddened laughter.
"It just takes practice, really. Don't sweat it." This was an impossible feat for him.
Our food came, and he shoved plate after plate into his mouth with a seeming insatiable hunger. If I had been anywhere else, I would've gone purple with embarrassment—but in the Dubloon, I felt protected by the crowd's ignorance. I picked at my salad, my appetite diminishing just watching Max shove his face. Our topics of conversation shifted every so often, mostly by Max's means, as I was practically hypnotized by the flecks of food that poured out of his mouth when he spoke. (He hadn't the etiquette to close it while chewing.)
Finally, the topic wandered back to Vali, and I put on my best ham-act of choking back tears when he mentioned her name for the second time. He stopped in the middle of a leg of meat, crumbs raining down his chin, and gave me a quizzical look. Then, he seemed to realize that—right!—my only sister had been kidnapped. A sympathetic look oozed over his face, dragging down his eyes at the corners. He put down his leg of meat to address me directly, his cheeks still freckled with half-eaten food.
"I'm … I'm sorry I brought that up, Princess. I know it must be a sensitive subject. Have the police … found any clues that might …?"
"No!" I burst out weeping, clutching to my napkin to dot my eyes lightly to make sure my makeup wasn't streaked. This was actually true, and earlier I had reacted to the news with the same zeal of remorse. Now, though, the news had sunken in to the bottom of my stomach to fester there apathetically, and I had to dig deep into older, more painful experiences to muster up genuine tears. "No, we've got no word yet but that … blasted ransom … for … ten million Neopoints ... still accessible in my banking account …"
Max undoubtedly had heard the sum before, but he nearly choked on his water hearing it aloud. He gestured downwards to indicate that I should lower my voice. "Shhh! If there's one rule I know as a banker, it's to never admit how wealthy you are—this could end up as a second hostage situation for your owner," he hissed.
"Who cares!" I cried aloud, throwing my napkin into the air recklessly. "Who cares with my dearest sister gone! Oh, how will I ever pay that money … if I never have access to the two hundred million Neopoints on my banking account!" I made it clear that I would not temper my tantrum until something drastic was done through the elaborate flailing of my limbs. Max was looking around the Dubloon desperately, clearing his throat and swallowing excessively.
He let my flurry of sorrow go on for about a minute longer before grabbing me by the forearm, bringing it down to the table. He spoke to me in low, confidential tones. "Shhh, shh, shhh! Keep your voice down! I have a bargain for you, if you really feel that horrible about it."
Check. I allowed myself to be calmed, my screams reduced to a murmur, just barely tangible on my lips.
"I'll allow you access to your Neopian bank account … but you have to withdraw from it slowly. Otherwise, my manager will notice, and I'll be kicked out on the curb. Does that sound good to you?" His eyes were flashing in desperation, willing to do anything to get me to calm down. Inside, I sneered at his false belief that he had the control between us—everything was going directly to plan. Checkmate.
I sniffled, dabbing the corners of my eyes. "Oh, thank you, you generous, wonderful person. I … I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am. The police are going nowhere … I just want to satisfy this person's demands."
"I understand, I understand." He was patting my hand intimately now, cupping the back of my hand with his palm. Our skin was made moist together, and I wanted to reel back in disgust, reclaiming my hand—but I had the rescued damsel in distress part to act. "Don't worry about it. I'll keep it under cover. My manager will never suspect a thing, and you'll get Vali back safe and sound."
I smothered a nose-blow into the napkin for a final effect with my free hand, smiling with watery eyes. "Oh, thank you, Max … you're my savior, you know … an absolute savior … I should thank you somehow, I really should … how about …" I tried to think of something cheap that I could throw at him that would impress his obviously thrifty tastes (at least, judging by the quality of his suit). "I… I'll pay for your dinner tonight"—a hefty sum as it stood—"and … how does … 500,000 Neopoints sound to you?"
I was afraid I would have to perform the Heimlech maneuver on him due to the way he reacted. His eyes bugged, and he seemed unable to breathe for a moment. I gave him a worrying look while he coughed loudly, thumping his chest to recover.
"Th-that's more than enough, Princess. That's … incredibly generous of you."
"Anything that I could do for Vali's savior," I insisted, stroking his knuckles lovingly. Inwardly, I cringed at my behavior, but exalted the end results and how swiftly and effortlessly I had obtained them. Sometimes, I reflected with a sideways smile, the important things were the easiest to obtain.