Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

A/N: I would just like to add that I hope Terry Pratchett and J.K. Rowling aren't planning to sue.

Chapter One: The Unexpected Visitor

The city of Ankh-Morpork, according to the Guild of Merchants guidebook, was the Cite of One Thousand Surprises. And it was quite surprising when no one seemed surprised when a cloaked a stranger had suddenly appeared out of thin air. But when you think about it, it wasn't surprising at all, seeing as the only witnesses were a beggar and a small mongrel terrier that was being lead by a piece of string.

The stranger, taking no notice of either of them, continued walking up Short Street. The beggar and the dog looked at each other.

"Buggerit." Foul Ole Ron growled.

The dog continued to watch the stranger, who was almost out of sight.

Gaspode sighed. "Only in Ankh-Morpork."

Archancellor Mustrum Ridcully stood at the top of the staircase. "Bursar!" A few minutes later, the Bursar stood at the bottom of the staircase panting.

"You… you called, Archancellor sir?" He gasped.

"Bursar, have you any idea what day it is today?"

The Bursar fought to keep his breath. "I think it is Friday, sir,"

Ridcully looked astonished. "Good gods! Friday already? Feels a little to early to be Friday in my opinion."

"Perhaps you should use a calendar, sir," The Bursar suggested.

Ridcully frowned at him. "I am perfectly capable of remembering the days of the week, Bursar." He snapped and before walking off he faced the puffing Bursar again. "What day is it again?"

"Friday sir,"

Ridcully stroked his beard. "Hmm. Are you sure? I could have sworn it was Monday."

"No sir," The Bursar was still gasping for breath.

"Right, well that's all I needed to know. Thank you, Bursar, you may leave."

The Bursar gaped at him, still puffing heavily. "That's all? I ran up three fleets of stairs!"

"Exercise does you good, that's what I say," Ridcully said cheerfully, he was someone who had ever done any sort of exercise in his life.

The Bursar's eyes rolled upwards and he toppled over. After poking at the unconscious Bursar with his staff for a few minutes, Ridcully ordered some students to go and fetch the Bursar his Dried Frog Pills.

No sooner had someone knocked on the door. Mrs. Whitlow, the cleaner, opened it with uncertainty. A figure in a black cloak walked in. His cloak hid his face.

"Who in bloody hell are you?" Ridcully demanded.

The hooded figure turned to face Ridcully. "Is this the Unseen University?"

"No, it's the bloody Ankh-Morpork Opera House! What do you think?" Ridcully marched toward the stranger. "And who are you to come in here and demand everything? That's my job." He added with a hint of pride.

"My name," The stranger said slowly. "Is Lord Voldemort."

This did not have the affect Voldemort was used to. No sign of terror appeared on his face. "Well? What do you want?"

Voldemort smiled. "I wish to take over the University."

The wizards stared blankly at him. "But, you need to be a wizard to attend." The Senior Wrangler said slowly.

Voldemort's smile widened. "I don't intend to attend, my intension is to rule it. And for further information, I am indeed a wizard."

The Dean frowned. "No your not. Where's your hat? And your staff?"

Voldemort looked slightly confused but recovered brilliantly. "When it comes to being a wizard, a hat is not necessary. And I do not own a staff, but I do own this." Voldemort reached into a pocket in his robes and pulled out a wand. Voldemort aimed it at the party of wizards. "Now, stand down."

Ridcully was now very confused. "Surely you mean sit down?"

Now it was Voldemort's turn to be confused. "Excuse me?"

"How can I stand down? I can stand up of I can sit down but I can't do both."

Voldemort thought this through. "What I mean is, stand down from your position in the University."

Ridcully's brain was spinning. It just didn't make sense. "What position? My position right now is right where I'm standing."

The youngest member, Ponder Stibbons, tapped Ridcully's shoulder. "I think he means he wants to be the new Archancellor, sir."

Ridcully just gaped at him. "Why?"

Voldemort laughed. "You question the most evil wizard of all time?"

"No! I question the bloody idiot that wants my university!" Ridcully shouted, veins popping out of his head.

Voldemort looked rather taken aback. "Er… I did mention that I am the most evil wizard in history, didn't I?"

"Well," Ponder started. "I suppose it depends on which history you are talking about."

"Can someone please remove him?" Ridcully said in a rather irritated voice. Students had started watching the feud. You rarely got much entertainment in the Unseen University, despite all the odd creatures that leaked out of the walls and the doors that lead to nowhere.

"Excuse me sir," Said a student formerly known as Big Mad Drongo, but now that the Music With Rocks In fad was over he took back his old name of Adrian Turnipseed. Ridcully, however, still had a habit of calling him, Big Mad Adrian.

Voldemort turned to face the young wizard who had addressed him. "Yes?" He hissed with what he hoped fearful voice.

Adrian didn't seem to be affected. "You mentioned that you were the most evil wizard in history?"

Voldemort opened his mouth to reply when the Dean snorting with laughter interrupted him. Ridcully scowled. "You don't seriously believe him do you, Big Mad Adrian?"

"If he does, he obviously hasn't heard of ol' Galder Weatherwax," Said the Lecturer of Recent Runes. The other wizards nodded.

"Now there was a true evil wizard," The Senior Wrangler chirped in. "Mind you, he was bearable as long as you didn't tick him off in the mornings." The senior wizards shuddered.

Voldemort had had enough of this. He pulled out his wand and aimed it at Ridcully. "No more foolishness. Hand over the University!"

The wizards stared at the wand. Ridcully nudged Ponder sharply in the ribs. "Stibbons what is that?"

Ponder glared at the wand. "It appears to be a long, wooden object, sir."

"A stick?" Ridcully frowned and turned to Voldemort. "I should put down that stick if I were you. Very dangerous things, sticks. They can poke an eye out."

Voldemort was getting very impatient. "It is not a stick, it is a wand. A very magical object created by some of the most powerful specimens you could find."

Ridcully's brow furrowed. "All that work just for a stick? Well I don't see what all the fuss is about, sticks are so common they practically grow on trees."

Voldemort had had enough. "No more games." He took a deep breath. "Avada Keda… Ribbit?" Voldemort looked up at the wizards who had suddenly grown very big.

"No more playing silly buggers. Stibbons?"

"Yes Archancellor, sir?"

"Throw him into the Ankh,"

Ponder hesitated. "Surly you mean, on the Ankh, sir?" He picked up Voldemort who was croaking inside his clamped hands.

"Yes, yes. Whatever." Ridcully replied, thinking of the River Ankh, which was so contaminated if you were attempting to drown something in it, you would need a shovel to dig a hole through the congealed water.

"Ook!" A familiar voice cried. Ridcully turned to see the Librarian knuckling his way down the hall.

"What do you mean there's a message for me?" Ridcully said in a puzzled voice.

A/N: Like it? Review. It'll get me typing.