Regrets
Kara stood in front of her locker, half-dressed, staring at the picture. THE picture. THe one thing she'd clung to for years - the only personal possession she truly cared about. She'd used it to keep Zak's face clear to her when she'd been off on missions. Used it to remember him after ... once he was gone. But now her eyes were drawn to the other half of the page. To Lee.
She felt a prickle up her spine that told her someone was there. The slamming of the door told her that someone was angry. She spun around, a retort on the tip of her tongue. It died there as her eyes met his angry blue ones.
"Why?" It was as if the word was dragged from the pit of his soul. He hadn't meant it to come out so low and ... menacing, but it had.
"Why what?" Kara said, putting on a sly smile, but her stomach bottomed out. Lee knew. About her and Anders. How could he know? She'd vowed never to tell him. It wasn't like they were ... together or anything - the God's knew they'd be at least five hundred years old by the time they finally quit the stupid little dance they'd been doing around one another for years now, and finally let it happen.
"Why'd you do it Kara?" In a split second he was right there in front of her, pinning her to the locker without even touching her. "Why'd you frack him?"
The hurt and anger darkened his eyes so they were almost unrecognizable.
"How'd you know..." she began but he interrupted.
"I heard." His gaze was unfaltering and Kara flinched internally. He was the only man who could make her feel this way. Hell, he was the only man who could make her feel. Period.
"He was there," she said playfully, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. She loved fracking with Lee, metaphorically of course - they'd never fracked literally. Unfortunately, her inner self said regretfully but she pushed it aside.
"That's bullshit. Tell me the truth Kara." She'd never seen him angrier. That was hard - he was so often angry with her. This anger however, smacked with possessiveness.
"Why? Since when do I owe you anything?" she shot back defensively. BUt inside she could feel the walls beginning to crack. She'd always had trouble keeping her defenses up around him. Well you know what they say, the best defense is a good offence, and she'd always been offensive with him - very offensive.
Lee gave her a tight smile and leaned in closer. "I need to understand why. Why you'd do something so fracking stupid. Do you hate yourself THAT much?" His eyes were endless. Pools of darkness that she could almost feel. And in that moment she truly understood. He wasn't asking her why she was with someone else, he was asking why she wouldn't be with him.
That was it. Her defences broke and the dam threatened to explode. Lee watched as her face crumpled and the expression in her eyes became one of naked pain and vulnerability - one he'd never seen in her before.
"You don't know what happened down there," her voice wavered as she struggled to keep it together.
"How could I? You never talk to me." He couldn't stop an accusatory tone from creeping into his voice.
"I can't," she whispered, the tears one step closer to falling.
"I meant what I said the other day, I'm your friend and I'm here for you. Please, talk to me."
"I can't," she burst out angrily, preparing to punch him. But Lee always knew when Kara was about to explode and he caught her arm deftly, and grabbed the other one too, pinning them to the locker behind her.
"Talk to me Kara, tell me what happened," he said firmly.
"You don't understand - you can't possibly understand," she yelled, tears finally making their way into her eyes.
"Make me! " he yelled back. "Make me understand. For frack's sake Kara, let me in for once!"
The tears spilled down her cheeks as her body heaved with sobs. Lee let her arms go and gathered her into his arms. letting her wet his shoulder with the flood she needed to release. He'd always suspected there was an inner core of softness that Kara never let anyone see, under the tough kick-ass chick exterior. Here it was, and Lee was immensely thankful that it was to him that she was showing it.
"You can't imagine ... the things that happened ... that I did ... that they did to me ..." she choked out bits and pieces of sentences, nothing coherent, but if it was enough to make Kara breakdown, then Lee shuddered to even imagine how bad it must be.
She stopped crying and pulled herself a little away from him to look him in the eye. "I needed someone." He voice broke on the last word. "Someone to hold me, tell me it would be okay. Someone to make me feel human again."
He wiped the remainder of her tears gently - he had such soft and gentle hands? - she'd never noticed that about him before.
"I wish I could have been there for you," he said softly, blue eyes sparkling with tears.
"But you weren't," she said in a small voice, "and so I had to settle for second best."
"Second best," he repeated, lost in thought. Did she mean what he thought she meant? He had no clue. Kara always fracked with his emotions - made him believe she was flirting with him and then left laughing while he flushed redly, a confused expression on his face. Suddenly he remembered a little of the conversation he'd heard earlier.
(Flashback)
"Really? Anders? Captain of the Pyramid team?"
"Really, came Helo's voice. Lee couldn't recognize the other's, but Helo's was definitive, and he was obviously loving having someone to share his secret with.
"I can't believe she fracked him."
"Believe it. It happened more than once in the week we were with them."
"Have you ever noticed how much he looks like Apollo?"
"Duh! I thought everyone knew about Starbuck. It's obvious how she feels about him."
"Does he feel the same way about her?"
"Why do you think they fight all the time? There's so much tension between them it's almost unbearable to be around them when they're together." Helo laughed.
"Have YOU ever thought about ... being with Starbuck?" The voice sounded tentative, unsure.
"Who hasn't? She's a hell of a woman, but she'd likely beat the crap outta me for trying, and then when Apollo found out he'd beat the crap outta me for even thinking about it!"
At this point Lee had heard their footsteps coming towards him and had made a mad dash to the arms locker to avoid being caught eavesdropping.
(End Flashback)
"Did it give you what you needed?" He had to ask - needed to know how she really felt about being with another man.
"It was good. Normal. For the first time in a year it was just a normal, uncomplicated thing. Just two people, no strings attached, no worries."
There was enough truth in that statement to really sting Lee. Normal, uncomplicated, no strings, no worries. "Aren't we ... normal?" he asked slowly, sighing in frustration.
"Normal?" She laughed but it was harsh and lacking in any mirth whatsoever. "The last thing WE are is normal."
He let his thoughts wander a moment. Normal. Well, their relationship could be considered normal if it was normal to be in love with your brother's fiancee and to never stop loving her in the next few years even though you never saw each other; if it was normal to flirt with someone one minute and punch them the next; if it was normal never to know where you stood with her; if it was normal to be in a place where relationships were forbidden and breaking that rule could cause court-martial.
No, he had to agree, theirs was definitely NOT a normal relationship.
"Would it have been the same if it had been me there?"
Her mouth opened for a moment before any sound came out. "Why are you asking me these questions?" She looked genuinely confused.
"I need to know the truth Kara. We've been fracking each other around long enough. I could have lost you - I was sick with worry. The thought that you were never coming back ... I couldn't even let myself think of it."
"You want to know the truth Lee? You really want to know?" Her voice grew stronger. "Fine, I'll tell you." She looked him full in the eye, all defences down, metaphorically naked. "It's always been about you Lee. I slept with him but you were the one I was thinking about."
The stunned expression on his face was priceless. If the moment hadn't been so serious, she'd have had the perfect insult. But this wasn't a moment for levity.
"Me? You wanted me?" He sounded shocked. He felt shocked. After all this? To discovered she had feelings for him? It hit him harder than one of her punches could have.
"I've always wanted you Lee. You hadn't figured that out yet? We've been messing with each other for the past year. I've wished and dreamed, but we have strings. Lots of strings and complications. I just never thought it was possible..."
He took her hands in his. "Anything is possible if you want it enough."
"I've loved you so long I've forgotten what it feels like not to have you in my heart."
"So that's why Kara Thrace has those incredibly strong walls that never let anyone inside. You've got a secret that you're hiding from everyone."
"Including you. I could play with you, and make you wonder..."
"And you did, believe me, you did," he chuckled.
"But I could never tell you how I felt." Tears came into her eyes again.
"You're telling me now," he said with a smile, one hand reaching up to brush a few stray hairs away from her face. He knew how she hated that, which was why she usually kept her hair short.
He let his hand slide down her back and rest at her waist, pulling her closer. His other hand joined the first, caressing the smooth skin of her midriff, noticing for the first time that she was clad only in underwear and a bra. It wasn't the first time he'd seen her like this, nor would it be the last in these cramped quarters that men and women had to share, but it was as if he was seeing her for the first time.
"I love you Kara. I've loved you since... since our academy days."
"You mean, even when Zak and I..." she stopped as he nodded shamefully.
"I knew I shouldn't have such feelings for my brother's girlfriend and future wife, but I couldn't help myself. I knew you first and had already lost my heart before the two of you even met."
"Why didn't you ever say anything?"
"What was I supposed to say? Getting between you two would have caused me to lose my brother, and likely you too. At least this way I figured I'd keep the family together and you and I could still be friends."
She caressed his cheek, a tender look in her eye. "That's one of the things I've always loved about you," she said softly.
"Always?" he questioned with a smile.
"I have to confess ... back in our academy days ... I was in love with both of you."
"Me and Zak?" Lee sounded incredulous.
"You were both so ... well ... amazing in your own ways. You were so similar in some ways and so different in others."
"So you picked him because he was different than me?"
"No actually I ..." she stopped, flushing in embarrassment. "I couldn't decide between you. I'd thought of being with both of you ..." Lee raised and eyebrow and Kara hit him, not too hard though. "Not like that - even I'm not that twisted! I just cared for both of you and could imagine being with each of you."
"So how DID you decide?"
"I didn't. He asked first."
"You ended up with Zak instead of me because HE asked you out before I did?" She nodded. Lee hit himself. "How stupid I was for being shy."
"You've got a second chance now," she pointed out. "Maybe you shouldn't waste it again."
"Are you saying I've got competition AGAIN?"
"There's a certain Viper out there, just calling me..." she teased.
"Don't listen," he said briefly before joining his lips to hers. He kissed her hungrily, all the years of love and desire for her evident in their first real physical encounter.
"About that competition ..." he began, mouth still against hers.
"What competition?" she said, arms and lips grabbing any part of him within reach.
Helo wandered in a few minutes later, noticed them locked in each other's arms, not even registering his arrival, and walked back out, smiling. "Look's like Starbuck's finally found what she's looking for."