Okay we've been a little unproductive lately and yes I have started the instructions on how to take over the world in seven days but it's harder than you think! Okay here goes…DD
Hooray, a story is FINALLY UP. I'm not sure whether this is a one-shot or not…depends on the general feeling and reviews out there. Enjoy…Death
BTW...Everything in brackets is us making comments…Just so you know…
Disclaimer: We own not the giant mushroom commonly known as DBZ. The only thing we own are swirly around chairs, a lot of spare time, cramps in our fingers and the foil wrappers from several blocks of chocolate strewn randomly around. So don't mess with us!
The story is called:
Drunk
But may also be known as…
In Which Vegeta Becomes Drunk and does Incredibly Strange Things which we can't tell You Otherwise you won't Read the Story and just Glean everything from the title which would be Bad Enough without the Added Danger of you Backing out and not Reading down to the Bottom of the Page and press the little Submit Review button….And for those who were Wondering about the Attack of Giant Spoons…don't. We Made it up…(hee hee) No Hard Feelings, ay?
Bulma hummed quietly to herself as she walked silently down the hallway. It was late at night and she had just finished another one of Vegeta's battle droids. As the young scientist/inventor neared the lounge room she noticed some muted noises. Thinking that someone had left the TV on she strode boldly into the room.
But the TV wasn't on.
No, it was Vegeta that was making the noises. He was muttering to himself and glaring at the whiskey bottle in his hand. Vegeta glanced over to Bulma as she entered.
"Come here, woman!"
Bulma raised her eyebrows. As scary as he was at times she wasn't about to meekly obey his every order like a…a slave! "I'm going to bed Vegeta! I don't need to-"
The warrior was suddenly at her side and pulled her roughly to sit down on the couch. Vegeta plonked himself next to the poor woman and placed a calloused hand on her knee to keep her from leaving.
Vegeta took another swig from the near empty bottle.
"Listen up, woman! I have some very important things to tell you! Nobody understands why I do things and it's annoying the hell out me!" he imitated someone in a high-pitched voice that sounded suspiciously like Bulma's. "But why, Vegeta? Why are you so unemotional? Why? Why do you like killing things? Why do you wanna kill Karkkarot?" Bulma, which we have now realised, must have thought this was the only time she could ever get answers out of the moody warrior without him blowing her up promptly. Pity he was so drunk he couldn't understand her.
His voice was slightly slurred by now. And unintelligible.
'Moosha grooowsquic knen Kaakarrot….Keekkerooott….mooahahaha….'
Was he drunk? She wondered…
(Quite possibly Bulma…OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK! Are you blind?)
"Bah! I'll tell you why, woman! Karkkarot is a stupid, annoying surprisingly good warrior. I'd rather beat him than kill him! You don't get a sparring partner that's almost as good as the mighty Lord Vegeta everyday!"
(Mighty Lord Vegeta? ALL HAIL THE SEXIEST SAIYAJIN!)
Bulma was getting a little curious. Could she get Vegeta drunk to learn more about him perhaps? It could be possible…
(Bulma, always being nosy; this is a bad thing to do around Vegeta…and if Bulma wasn't so stupid she would have realised that! And we know all the bad, terrible things that can come about when you're trying to find out about Vegeta's past don't we Death? He doesn't talk about it for a reason! He's traumatised! Doesn't anybody understand? Death: Calm down, Destruction and watch the movie...)
"And in any case his tactics are sound!"
Bulma looked at him slyly… "Vegeta, do you hate me?" Stupid question Bulma. Once again you have proven to be a complete BIMBO! She cringed, waiting for the inevitable 'No.' However, what she received was something quite different…
Vegeta chucked his empty whiskey bottle across the room and started on a six-pack of beer. "Only when you annoy me, when you don't build or fix things for me and when you wear those denim shorts."
The woman looked at him confusedly. "Why do you hate me when I wear shorts?"
He chuckled – a disturbing sound for anyone in the vicinity.
(And we are most definitely disturbed, aren't we Death? We're hiding behind the curtain to record what's going on for our fanfic! Death: Can't breathe...being smothered…by bad-taste curtains…)
Enjoyment! Personal pleasure! All of the above? Bulma had no idea.
"Because," Vegeta leered at her and leaned closer, "You don't look as ugly as you normally do in them and that crap warrior wannabe looks at you in a way I don't like. If you're going to wear those things you will only wear them for me!" Vegeta thumped his chest with an open hand to emphasize this point like some kind of primitive…warrior.
(Vegeta is soooo cute when he does that! All the same that guy needs a warning label! Yeah…Open this side up…or Dangerous toxins present…or beware of dog! DD: (raises eyebrow) Not exactly what I meant Death…)
Bulma leaned back to escape his captivating if not drunken gaze, "Uh you mean Yamcha? Okay then…" She had been going through all of the Z warriors, wondering which one he meant, because, well, he hated all the warriors. Finally, she had chosen Yamcha, based on Vegeta blowing a crater 60 metres deep where Yamcha had been standing the other day for no particular reason.
Captivating- Bulma you are sooooo not with it today! It's unfocused! His gaze is unfocused and drunk! Swiftly she shook her head to rid it of the mental images of his captivating…no drunk gaze, her purple (or is it blue?) hair flying in all directions, quite a lot of it whipping across Vegeta's eyes, rendering him blind for a few precious seconds, in which Bulma may have escaped. But seeing as how she was busy waving her hair around, the opportunity was overlooked.
Vegeta nodded and leaned back into his seat starting a third bottle of Carlton Draught.
(DD: Driven around by horses! Lol It's a big ad! Lol you will probably only get this if you are Australian…AUZZIE AUZZIE AUZZIE! Death: Expensive ad!My God it's big! It's freakin huge!This ad better sell some blooody beeeerrrr! He hee!)
Bulma decided now would be a good time to get back to Vegeta's favourite subject. "What will you do when you defeat Karkkarot?"
He sighed, "Buy a house with a white picket fence, and raise a family. Maybe a few dogs. Ah, that's the life!"
Bulma stared at him...could he? Would he? Or was he jerking her around again? It was basically his favourite pastime so it was very likely. Extremely likely. Likelyerly likely.
(Bulma PLEASE do not even ponder at that! You need BIMBO written in permanent marker across you're forehead! Hmmm, Death what do you think? Death: (Grabs branding iron and waves it around threateningly) Sounds good!)
Vegeta burst out laughing. Maniacal, evil, psychopathic laughter echoed across the room. Then it rebounded and came straight back with a passion. And a vengeance. And accompanied by several dust motes. "Of course not woman! I don't know what I'd do! Though," he paused for a moment, "I'd like an heir to carry on the Vegetasei legacy and beat any of Karkkarot's brats!"
Bulma sighed. The second 'life goal' was a little more reassuring. She couldn't see Vegeta raising a family in a house with a white picket fence; or dogs for that matter. She had it on good authority that he preferred cats, if the cat pelts littering his room were any evidence.
Our favourite Sayajin then proceeded to gasp! I'm talking a huge OMFG GATHP! He then looked around the room out of the corner of his eyes. Bulma, our dear uninformed (and un-uniformed)Bulma was once again befuddled. Vegeta then leaped to his feet with a roar of "DAMN HIM! HE BETAYED ME!" and then swayed so far he fell back into his seat. He then proceeded to mutter something along the lines of 'The bread…is gone…'
"Who betrayed you?" Bulma again, asking the obviously…poor er...and drunk uninformed child with a wary air.
"The Bread man!" Vegeta snarled, "He was going to tell me how to become a Super Sayajin but he said he needed a nap first. And now he's GONE! He's about a foot high, is made of a loaf of bread and several different types of rolls and has a voice that sounds suspiciously like Karkkarot! I bet he was controlling him!"
Vegeta lapsed into silence and Bulma decided to safely join him again on the lounge, having fallen off when Vegeta realised the fantasy bread man was missing from the homely living room.
Vegeta opened the sixth beer. Bulma looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and decided to test just how far his ego went. The temptation was too great.
(DD: We all know this is a bad move, don't we Death! Death: Indeedioobly we do!)
"Vegeta, just how strong and manly do you think you are?"
He turned slowly, fixing her with a piercing gaze and she was suddenly gasping for breath as his hand squeezed her throat painfully.
Okay Bulma thought wrong question!
"Strong enough to break your neck without much pressure." He snarled, "And definitely manly enough to have you scream out my name before long!"
Definitely the WRONG question! I should have phrased that another way…
Bulma actually blushed. She could feel the blood rushing to her face, staining her cheeks an unsightly red. Bulma – you have NO control do you? She screamed inside her head.
"Uh, Vegeta. Please, not from you. It just doesn't sound right coming from your mouth." She choked out. "And would you mind releasing me?"
He looked into her eyes and smirked, "We'll see how 'wrong' it is eventually. You'll change your mind."
(Yes Vegeta, anyone who knows the OT of DBZ knows that Bulma does in fact change her mind, but lets move on to some PG13 content shall we?)
He released her and drained the last bottle of Carlton Draught. Bulma breathed huge gasps of air and rubbed her neck. Vegeta swayed. He turned to her and said, "You know, I never really liked pickles." He dropped into unconsciousness.
Bulma slowly eased herself off the seat, trying not to wake the man who had as many sides as a tetrahedragon. Whatever that is. Then she smirked. Vegeta was unconscious. Vegeta was very unconscious. Vegeta was very unconscious and she just happened to have a pair of green contacts, peroxide and some glow in the dark paint. Hmmmmm…let's summarise the facts.
Super Saiyan likeness, giant ego, unconscious and drunk Vegeta, unsuspecting Goku, Vegeta's amazing faith in his own strength and manliness... peroxided blonde hair, contacted green eyes, glowing-ness from the glow in the dark paint which worked so well in the movie the Hound of the Baskervilles with Sherlock Holmes... That dog had looked so evil and glowy...Oh the possibilities!
Grabbing the necessary materials, Bulma set to work on the soon-to-be- fake Super Saiyan.
The End! (or is it?)
And so my friends we have come to know more of our good, uh anti-hero Vegeta. We have seen the not-so-killer Vegeta, the not-so-hateful Vegeta, the delirious Vegeta, the perverted Vegeta, the family man Vegeta and the vicious/perverted Vegeta. Hope you enjoyed! Destruction, over and out!
Well, if you want this fic to continue, you must review. If you prefer it as a one-shot, tell us and review anyway. We are going to cut away soon from humour and write more Vegeta-centric DBZ fics with torture and action and Yamcha-bashing and stuff!
So keep us alive! Review!
From Death