HHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
DD: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. That is, if you want to be specific, Kawaii-Chan the Anime Angel, Tennis Pirate, Yami Moh, Yami Wah, Gabi, Seri, Not Affiliated with D&D Co and Shubaltz's – girl!
Death: For those that didn't, we growl and wring our fists in your general direction!
DD: That wasn't very nice, Death.
Death: Go boil your bottom, Destruction. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! You wiper of other people's bottoms! Now back off, before I taunt you a second time!
DD: Right! (pulls out huge gun)
Death: Mooahahahah! (pulls out equally huge gun)
Booooommmmmmm crash booommmmmm!
Rightio, as the Authoresses try and reassemble themselves from ashes, we move on to the Disclaimer…BTW, the insults used by Death to insult Destruction are not their own. They were borrowed from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. They said we could use them. No, honestly they said, 'Young girls, please take the work that took it ages to come up with and use it to insult each other on an online writing site masquerading as two dastardly beings that you aren't really.' And we looked at each other and took them, leaving in return a fading cry of 'Yoink!'
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, something about not owning DBZ…that's bullox! Of course we own it! Right?
This Story is called:
DrunkBut may also be known as:
In which we Ponder the Meaning of Nervous Twitches and the Particularly Annoying Individual that Appears on our Televisions and Dominates our Every Waking Moment with that Horrendous Jingle trying to Advertise Channel 7 Prime whose Reputation has Dropped into the Arctic End of the Scale Since she Appeared, the Dreaded, Dismaying, Horrifying tune of "Is the weather getting cooler? Ask Noolla!" and "Is the temperature risin'? Noolla's analysing!" and other bad rhyming Words…Noolla…who Finally Dies after Vegeta gets Particularly Annoyed one Day…or does She? The Prime Possum is also Seriously Injured During the Attack ("Goodnight, Prime Possum!"), his Possum Suit Burned Beyond Recognition and May Never Remove Said Possum Suit…Go buy a calf shield today! Calf shields are cool! Calf shields are fun! They make your calves look as big as the Sun! This chapter sponsored by Channel 7 Prime and Golfing Cape Calf Shields Corp.
(DD: The first part of this chapter was written at approximately 11.25pm. You will no doubt realize that as you read. Late night writing can do strange things to your mind…Death: yawns loudly and falls off bed with a loud thump)
Vegeta twitching is never a good thing. When Vegeta's eye twitches, it tends to mean that he is extremely annoyed, flustered or embarrassed, which in turn leads to a dangerous set of ki blasts aimed at anyone he doesn't particularly like.
(Death: As if a supreme being like Vegeta ever gets embarrassed! DD: Unfortunately with Bulma around embarrassing situations have been tending to occur more regularly. Death: That's a cheese weasel for you!)
When Vegeta's jaw twitches it is inclined to be before an explosion of rude, crude and cruel words that would generally be bleeped out for the safety of young people's minds. When his hands are twitching, he is generally about to let loose a stream of ki blasts that will leave the unfortunate victim as several ash particles floating in a breeze above a mile wide crater.
But what does it mean when Vegeta is lying on the floor in front of a T.V, twitching, shaking and shouting things in a dead alien language in a nervous fit?
Obviously something extremely traumatic that has unstabled his already fragile mind.
(DD: It must be memories of his tragic past as a cold-blooded killer! Death: Or maybe he's choking on a cheese weasel? They pondered…)
Unfortunately it was in this sorry state that Bulma found Vegeta one morning when she had ventured downstairs to see why she hadn't been roughly awakened, that is picked up and thrown out her window into the pool followed by a "Cook me some food, woman!", by Vegeta. Quite obviously he couldn't complete his routine rudeness in his current state.
Becoming bold, Bulma knelt beside his pathetic, twitching body
(Death and Destruction burst into sympathetic wails!)
and held out a single forefinger in his general direction. She poked him once, twice, several times, which would usually gain an extremely destructive and generally dangerous result. When Vegeta didn't respond to her incessant poking, Bulma in her infinite wisdom, knew something was up.
Grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him she shouted directly into his face, "Vegeta! What do you want for breakfast?"
(Death and Destruction are thoroughly worried by now. You can tell because their hands are shaking so much that when they try to bite their nails they end up biting their finger instead, ruining the tasteless curtains which they hid behind.)
Realising, amazingly that she wasn't getting through to him; Bulma dropped Vegeta and turned to the previously ignored and disregarded T.V. A horrible, terrible, disgustingly catchy jingle was playing repeatedly, made even more unbearable by the face of a dark-skinned woman with black curly hair trying dismally to put on a thinking face. She was obviously a weather girl.
"Is the weather getting cooler? Ask Noolla! Is the temperature rising? Noolla's analyzing!" is how the jingle went.
Following her first or second instinct, Bulma grabbed the nearby remote, fumbling and dropping it in her haste, and turned off the T.V. Bulma breathed a sigh of relief, as did Death and Destruction, glad the nightmare was over. She returned to the twitching Vegeta who was, by pure miracle, no longer twitching.
However he was clenching and unclenching his hands so perhaps he wasn't quite alright…
"Woman," he said in a low growl, "get me the co-ordinates of the woman in that human advertisement. Now."
Bulma rushed to obey; glad she didn't have to risk burning down the kitchen, for she had done so twice already, by cooking him breakfast. Vegeta busied himself by eating any meal that was left in the fridge or pantry in record time. Which perhaps was not the best thing to do as he might get indigestion. Bulma handed him the exact position of where he could find Noolla, blocking her ears in case he decided to emit some kind of warrior like sound as he usually did when he was about to kill someone he really didn't like.
Vegeta tipped his head back opened his mouth and instead of the maniacal laughter he was expecting, due to the speed in which he had eaten his meal he emitted a rather large and long-winded burp.
Luckily he decided now would be a good time to leave and flew off to God-knows-where which could be said more correctly as Death-knows-where, since Destruction was momentarily distracted by a large moth and had run screaming from the room and so hadn't been able to see where Vegeta was headed. However, when she returned, breathing shallowly due to her immense fright, Death told her so now it's Death and Destruction-knows-where. The two authoresses then proceeded to steal a jet plane (while giggling hysterically) from Capsule Corp. so they could follow Vegeta.
Anyway-
Bulma shrugged after watching the pretty blue sparkles that signaled Vegeta's flight path disappeared and went upstairs humming a disgustingly catchy tune.
As Vegeta flew, he became aware a rather large and non-too-subtle jet plane was following him, accompanied by some hysterical giggling. He turned around and flew backwards, a trait he had long ago learned while being attacked on a moon whose name he couldn't remember because he had blown it up a few seconds later, to better see who was following him. The two pilots appeared to notice that he had appeared to notice them and quickly one of them scribbled something on a piece of paper and stuck it onto the windshield. It said "We are not following you." Vegeta frowned, than shrugged, turned around and kept on flying, ignorant of the fact that the jet was, indeed, still following him.
Vegeta came rather suddenly on the Channel 7 Prime station, rather conspicuous and easy to find by the huge number seven sticking out of the top of it. He checked his coordinates. Yes, this is where his greatest enemy at this particular moment was. He growled, lowering his eyebrows in that way that made him look even more dangerous than he normally did. Not that he normally didn't look dangerous or anything, but his eyebrows made him look more so. But….not that eyebrows look particularly dangerous on their own but on Vegeta, any common eyebrow could look dangerous. He hissed the name of his enemy, and twitched slightly. 'Noolla.'
For once, Vegeta decided to be normal and enter through the front door, rather than a side window or even the back door. However, the normalness failed as he….flew through the front door. Dodging staff, executives, coffee carriers and computers as he flew….oh sorry, did I say dodge? I meant smash, plunge and basically make a large Vegeta-shaped hole in anything that got in his way, so really it was the staff, executives, coffee carriers and computers of Channel 7 Prime that dodged Vegeta as he searched for the one known as…Noolla.
He found her rather quickly. He just followed the annoying jingle that sent his teeth on edge, a deep and meaningful gut instinct that guided him…and those giant neon signs. But he was using the deep and meaningful gut instinct more. No, really. He landed in front of her and growled. She looked surprised for a minute, staring at the rather short, angry looking man with the tall hair twitching slightly, glaring at her with eyes that might have belonged to the Devil himself. It was, all in all, very impressive.
She crouched down to his eye level, smiling. 'You must be little Tommy Brown from the orphanage come for an autograph from everyone's favorite weathergirl.'
Little Tommy Brown gave her a murderous stare.
'I'm going…to kill…you.' Vegeta had suddenly morphed from little Tommy Brown from the orphanage who only wanted an autograph from his favourite weathergirl to psycho nutcase in Noolla's eyes. Undeterred, she clapped twice and, out from behind her where they had been concealing themselves somehow even though they were all twice as tall as her and three times as wide, stepped her bodyguards.
She smiled at the psycho nutcase and indicated the bodyguards on either side of her. 'Allow me to introduce Booi-ikky -ikky –boorang- matti-kick-PFFFT….and Bob. They can take you apart.' Vegeta growled and folded his arms. The only thing impressive about them was the fact they were taller than he was. And that wasn't impressive in his eyes. It was annoying. They were mocking him with their tallness!
'Booi-ikky-ikky-boorang-matti-kick-PFFFT, Bob, get him!'
A few seconds later, two burly bodyguards were flung through the roof of Channel 7 Prime, narrowly missing a circling jet manned by two insane authoresses who had no idea to land the thing. One was reading from the instructions while the other tried to control and steer the plane while screaming hysterically. They glanced up as the men flew past, shrugged, and returned to their individual jobs: reading the instructions and trying to control and steer the plane while screaming hysterically.
Back in Channel 7, Noolla gaped at the ceiling at the disappearing forms of her bodyguards. She then looked back down at the growling short man who had just single handedly flung them through the ceiling. Vegeta began forming a ki ball in his hand. He was almost lost behind its brightness and Noolla stood there, transfixed by the ball. She would have been destroyed right then if the Prime Possum had not wandered down that particular corridor at that particular moment, practicing his line for tonight's broadcast. He had only done that same line for around twenty years and one would have thought he would have known it by now. However, people hired to wear possum suits aren't exactly rocket scientists. 'Good night, boys …no good night girls? Or maybe it's good morning…but I'm going to bed so it couldn't be that…'
Unfortunately Prime Possum walked directly into the standoff between Vegeta and Noolla just as Vegeta released his ki ball. The resulting explosion created a crater around sixty kilometers across, turning Channel 7 into a heap of rubble. Miraculously though, the giant seven was unharmed. Vegeta flew away, mission accomplished.
Meanwhile, back at Capsule Corp,
Bulma turned on the TV to see a live broadcast, not surprisingly, from another channel and not Channel 7 Prime, showing the huge crater which used to be Channel 7. The rather amused looking news reporter looked absolutely thrilled at the loss of a competitor even as she tried to speak in an acceptable unhappy mournful tone.
'And it seems that Channel 7 isn't going to be broadcasting anytime soon as their building has been blown up by unnamed assailants. I have received word that the charming and pretty weathergirl Noolla Alloon has been killed in the blast and that the cuddly Prime Possum may indeed never part with his possum suit again, as it and he are burnt beyond recognition. Amazingly enough, no one else was injured, not even the computers. Divine providence or annoyed viewers? We may never know. This is Annabel Smith, for Interesting and Potentially Rating Raising News.'
Bulma smiled dopily and turned around as Vegeta burst in through the window. 'Hey look, Vegeta, someone blew up Channel 7 Prime just then! You missed the breaking news! Gee, I wonder who could do such a thing and only kill and harm two people?'
For a minute Vegeta stared, unable to believe she was this dumb. But when no recognition dawned on her face after a few minutes, he merely rolled his eyes and flew out of the window again to train.
Bulma sat up, looking out of the window after Vegeta. 'Vegeta,' she called with an air of perplexing-ness, 'Where are you going?'
The ki blast aimed dangerously close to her head from the direction of the gravity chamber a couple of seconds later, accompanied by several very colourful expressions, did nothing to jog Bulma's memory.
As the sun set over the hills, a certain jet plane continued to circle around the Channel 7 ruins. Yes, the authoresses still hadn't the foggiest idea how to land the plane.
'Have you found it in the instructions yet, Death?' Destruction's voice was rather hoarse from the strenuous hours of screaming hysterically while trying to control and steer the plane.'
'Nope.'
'Oh for God's sake, you've got the bloody manual upside down!'
'So THAT'S why it looked like it was in Japanese!'
There was a rather violent scream of anger and the muffled thumps of someone beating someone else around the head with a heavy instruction book as the night closed in.
There we go! Now update and you shall get more delicious freakiness from the next chapter of Drunk, property of Death and Destruction Co, sponsored by Channel 7 Prime and Golfing Cape Calf Shields Corp.
And for anyone who wishes to buy a Death and Destruction Co T-shirt, tastefully decorated with mushroom clouds of destruction, skulls and the mottos, "Are you dead yet?" and " Don't underestimate the power of the insane." You can't, because we haven't made them yet. We are, however, wearing shirts saying, for the appropriate person, with arrows pointing accordingly, "I'm with Death" and "I'm with Destruction". Cool, eh?
Until next time, farewell!