Revenge of the Fanfic Author

by Neko Athena

IT'S BACK! I series I started in high school and still love that I am reposting and continuing. I parody movies and TV while torturing Duo and others with my powers of AUTHOR!

1. A Reason to Celebrate

REVENGE OF THE FANFIC AUTHOR

MISSION STATEMENT

an ongoing series dedicated to parodying anything and everything with the express purpose of putting DUO MAXWELL giggle and other various bishounen into hilarious situations just to watch them squirm!

o,o -(Hey, everybody! Neko Athena here, just thought I'd let you guys in on the scoop this time. These fics really aren't related in any way, except maybe one or two... Anyway, these are basically parodies of other movies or books, substituting anime characters for the cast. They are utter and complete comedies, so don't go giving me that "insert character here wouldn't do THAT!", cause I won't be listening. The bottom line here is: AS AUTHOR, I AM GOD!

Which means that whatever I want to happen will happen! If I want somebody to spontaneously combust, they're already on fire, baby! So, if you have a problem with something I write, write a fic, yourself, and have it turn out the way YOU want it to. I am basically just satisfying my own burning desire to be creative and my twisted, deranged sense of humor. If you happen to ENJOY this type of mad-cap, hysterically illogical parody style, then you've hit the mother load. Any questions, comments, concerns, threats, flames, and other forms of fan feedback are perfectly welcome, just don't expect to break my widdle heart by insulting me. All that goes here, m'kay? Later!

I say again, THESE ARE FOR MY ENJOYMENT. like them or not, I don't care. You can whine, flame, or protest. I don't care. )

All mail to: PEEPS!

ON WITH THE SHOW

A Reason To Celebrate

Fic #1 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Rating: PG (violence, midgets, partial nudity,)

Author's Notes: Konnichiwa, minna-chan! This is for all my fellow Duo fan-girls who believe it is physically impossible for any real human being to look that damn good. Enjoy the evilness... heh heh...

I don't own Joe Boxer, The Wizard of Oz, Blink182, Kibbles n' Bits(n' Bits n' Bits), NYC Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (he owns himself, I think), the Cincinnati Bengals(thank Kami, who wants 'em...), any midgets, or Gundam Wing. I DO own this fic.

And now, if the bizarre notes and disclaimers haven't scared you off, enjoy!

:The year is After Colony 204. The insanely gorgeous Duo Maxwell is lounging around his extravagant penthouse on the top floor of Deathscythe Tower in New York City. After his Gundam days, he was offered a modeling career by Joe Boxer and became a world-wide sensation overnight. Although his career is overshadowed from time to time by recurring thefts of his provocative (o,O drooling) billboards, he continues to succeed again and again. Now, Earth's richest, most-eligible, and most-desirable bachelor is laying on a long black leather couch sporting the latest in his own Boxer line, debating on how to spend the rest of his Birthday. Lazily, he reaches behind the couch and pulls a letter from his humungous stack of fan-mail. The pink envelope is stamped with red hearts and little cat heads o,o and smells of perfume. He tears open the envelope to find a Birthday card. As he reads the message inside, his cheeks turn a bright red. Coughing, he stuffs the card back into the envelope and tosses it aside.:

Duo, sweat-dropping "Where do these chicks come up with this stuff? sigh Gee, it's boring being so rich and handsome and perfect... they weren't kiddin' when they said it was lonely at the top. Hey! I know, I aughta call one of my old buddies and invite them over!"

:Happily, Duo leaps off the couch and skips, braid swinging, into the parlor to snag the phone. He flips through his little black book until he finds the number he is searching for. He dials, and waits patiently as the phone rings.:

RING...RING...RING...RING

, low monotone "Hello..."

Duo "Hey! What's up! I—"

, low monotone "...you have somehow found this number and managed to reach this machine. I'm unavailable to dispatch you at the moment, but while this message is playing, your phone number, home address, DNA code, and a list of your closest relations is being recorded and I will destroy you when I find it more convenient. If you wish to beg for mercy, please do so at the-OW!"

? "HEERO YUY! You stop that right NOW! That is not a very polite message to put on OUR answering machine!"

Hee. "But the number's UNLISTED, Relena. it's MY answering machine, anyway, not OURS...not to mention MY apartment."

Rel. "Must I do everything myself?"

Hee. "Omae o koro—"

Rel., sweet voice "Just leave your number and a message at the beep, okay? By-ie!"

BEEP

Duo, hanging up "Aw, man... that bites... But it sounds like Heero and Relena are getting along better than ever. Hey, maybe Quatre's home!"

:Duo flips a few more pages and dials again.:

RING...RING...RING...RING

Qua. "Hello, you have reached the Winner residence. I'm probably out donating to charity right now, I'm REALLY sorry I couldn't be here to take your call! Please leave a message and your number at the tone, and I PROMISE I'll call you as soon as I get in, I PROMISE! Peace and Love always, Quatre."

Duo "Dang it! Where is everybody? Let's see, who else is there... I'm NOT calling Wu-fei, last I heard he was still trying to legalize marriage to machines..."

:Just then, one of Duo's many butlers, Doctor G, walks in the room, setting a silver tray of tea on the coffee table.:

DrG. "Excuse me, Master Duo, but shouldn't you be preparing for your date?"

:Cocking his head to the side, Duo strikes an unimaginably cute pose of confusion.:

Duo "Huh? Date? What are you talking about?"

DrG. "The date arranged LAST WEEK..."

Duo "Oh, THAT... Ugh, don't call it a date, that makes my skin crawl!"

DrG. "You did promise her, Master Duo. You've been promising her for quite some time now. It's not a very gentlemanly thing to do to build up a girl's hopes and then destroy them. You know it would devastate her..."

Duo "Yeah, I know, I know. Quit makin' me feel bad. I'll get ready."

:Hilde, exhausted, leans against the door of her one-room apartment located in a rat-infested back-alley. Day after day, it seems her job of delivering groceries is becoming harder. Oh, she's thought about quitting many a time, but considering she really has no other skills to offer a potential employer, she must be grateful for what she has. She walks across the barren floor as roaches dodge her feet to her only window and sighs miserably. Looking through the miniscule rectangle, she has a beautiful view of the pinnacle of Deathscythe Tower. Her tiny, insignificant thoughts are interrupted by the roar of an angry cab driver followed by a cacophony of car horns. After a few minutes, she regains her concentration. Suddenly, Hilde's eyes swell to half the size of her head, and quivering stars shine in them. She rushes to the telephone, the only other thing in the room besides the stained, rotting mattress. Her fingers fly across the keypad, dialing a number she knows by heart. When she hears the line pick up on the other end, she draws in a huge breath, and expels it in a rush.:

RING...RING...RING...

Duo "Hello?"

Hil., squealing "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo "Yes... it's me, Duo."

Hil., squealing "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo "Uh, yeah, like I said."

Hil. "TODAY IS THE GLORIOUS DAY OF YOUR BIRTH, I CELEBRATE IT EVERY YEAR! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOO!"

Duo "Thanks... I think. Why are you calling me... and how did you get aholda' my number?"

Hil. "I HAVE NOTHING TO DO, I HAVE NO LIFE! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!"

Duo, unenthusiastic "Um, then I suppose we're still on... great. Well, then, I'll see you in Central Park at eight—"

Hil., squealing "I'LL BE THERE EARLYYYYYYY!"

Duo "Yeah, all-righty, then."

Hil., squealing "YESYESYESYESYES!"

Duo "Okay... uh, bye!"

Hil. "GOOD-BYE!"

:As soon as the phone is back in its cradle, Hilde makes an important rationalization and probably the most logical thought of her entire life. This is a special occasion; she must take a bath:

:Peeking cautiously out of the black limousine's door, Duo slips out and into the shadows of the trees. He is disguised with a dark trench coat and sunglasses to avoid glomping fans. As he walks toward the center of the park, he grumbles to himself.:

Duo "I can't believe I've sunk this low... the gods are soooooo cruel. I must be loosing my mind to meet her like this, she's probably gonna rape me, or something. Especially after that stalking phase she went through in A.C. 202. How can they deny me a restraining order? Oh, we wouldn't want to hurt her 'self-esteem', would we? I was HOPING she was still locked up... But they wouldn't let her out if she was still unstable, would they? Nah, of course not. And I guess some company's better than no company at all. That's it, look on the bright side!"

:Duo quickly regrets his words as he reaches the center of the park. Standing in the clearing, Hilde is decked out in her finest- a faded brown Cincinnati Bengals sweatshirt and a long denim skirt with neon green and pink splashes. Carefully woven into her 'cut with a weed-whacker' hair are handfuls of dandelions and grass. Trying to be nonchalant, Duo reaches for his cell-phone, ready to speed-dial the police.:

Hil., sing-song voice "I've been waiting for YOOOOUUUUU!"

Duo, turning purple with fear "Uh, sorry, am I late?"

Hil. "No... it's all right... I'd wait FOREVER for YOU!"

Duo "So, um, how's it been? heh heh..."

Hil. "Every moment spent away from you is TORTURE!"

Duo "Hey, that's nice... listen, uh, can w-we get outta here and go someplace else. Like someplace with more l-light and w-w-witnesses..."

Hil. "Sure! I'll go anywhere with YOU!"

:Without warning, an unholy light ignites in Hilde's eyes. She charges across the grass towards a terrified Duo, tongue swinging wildly from the side of her mouth and a mixture of foam and drool dripping down her chin. All in all, she resembles a rabid wiener-dog running down a bowl of Kibbles n' Bits. Duo tries to scream, but no sound comes from his sweet, pouty, delicious lips. He begins to pray.:

Duo OH DEAR SHINIGAMI, PLEASE DON'T LET THIS PSYCHO-BITCH GET ME, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE...

:Just before Hilde can reach him, a crack of lightning explodes overhead. Out of nowhere, a farmhouse drops from the starry night sky, smashing firmly on Hilde's thick skull, crushing it and the rest of her entirely. As an astonished Duo looks on, three midgets wearing odd alternative clothing peek out the door of the house.:

Mid1. "Hey, where the hell are we?"

Mid2. "Yeah, one minute we're makin' a Blink182 video, and the next this stupid twister comes along and we're in a farmhouse!"

Mid3. "Hey, who's that?"

:Duo clasps his hands in front of his chest. His deep, endless eyes, filling with tears of joy, are fixed on the three little men.:

Mid2. "Hey, you all right, pal? We're sorry we landed on that chick, but driving a falling farmhouse is hard—"

Duo, choked with emotion "You... you... SAVED ME!"

:He rushes over to the three and entraps them in a giant bear hug (lucky midgets!). In a state of utter euphoria, Duo plants a big smacker on each of their cheeks (DAMN lucky midgets!).:

Duo "Oh, how can I ever repay you! THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT ANYONE COULD HAVE EVER GIVEN ME:

:Of course, the crashing of a house in Central Park attracts a substantial crowd. Fan-girls rush in to join the ecstatic Duo and the confused midgets in a ring to dance around the house and sing.:

All, singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The Hilde Witch! Ding Dong, The Hilde Witch is dead!"

:Rudolph Giuliani steps from the crowd, holding up his hands for silence. Two assistants are beside him. He addresses the midgets.:

Gui. "As mayor of the New York City, in the borough of Man-hat-ten, we all thank you most REEEEgally!"

As1. "But we have to verify is LEEEEgally, to see..."

Gui. "To see?"

As1. "If she..."

Gui. "If she?"

As1. "Is morally, ethically..."

As2. "Spiritually, physically..."

As1. "Poitively, absolutely..."

Both "Undeniably, and reliably DEAD!"

:Our dear, dear Shinigami-sama, smiling ear to ear and carrying a large paper marked DEATH CERTIFICATE, steps forward and begins to sing.:

Duo "As God of Death, I must aver I thoroughly examined her. And she's not only merely dead, she's really, most sincerely dead!"

Gui. "Then let the joyous news be spread, the old Hilde Witch at last is dead!"

:The celebration resumes, and mayor Giuliani and his assistants join the ring of dancers.:

All, singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The Hilde Witch! Ding Dong, The Hilde Witch is dead!"

Feel free to join in the song. Heck, dance if you want!

All, singing "Wake up, you sleepy head! Rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up, the Hilde Witch is dead! She's gone now our Duo's free Yipee...Yipee...Yipee. Yipee, let's open up and sing, and ring the bells out. Ding Dong, the merry-oh! Sing it high, sing it low. Let them know the Hilde Witch is dead!"

:As they dance, the merry laughter and singing seem to fade out. Duo begins to hear a voice growing louder and louder in his ear.:

? "—uo... duo... DUO!"

:Slowly, Duo opens his eyes to find Hilde, carrying a bag of groceries, standing over him. He is in the small house on the colony where he and Hilde have been hiding from the two warring factions, biding their time in the terrible war.:

Hil. "Hey, you were really out! I brought some groceries, see?"

:Poor Duo's eyes grow ever so WIDE, yet his pupils seem to shrink. The bridge of his nose turns a horrified blue. His scream of desperation is rivaled only by that which he emitted when the Deathscythe was blown up.:

Duo "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

? "—uo... duo... MASTER DUO!"

:Slowly, Duo opens his eyes to find himself in his own penthouse bedroom(uh, I could comment here, but...,), with his faithful man servant, Doctor G, standing over him. A worried expression clouds the old man's face.:

DrG. "Master Duo! Are you all right? You were having quite a nightmare! For a moment there, I thought you were going to leave us!"

Duo "But I did leave you! And I've been gone for so long!"

:Duo points to Doctor G.:

Duo "And you were there..."

:Duo points to the TV, where a Blink182 video is playing.:

Duo "And you were there..."

:Duo points to a large billboard outside his window begging for the re-election of Mayor Giuliani.:

Duo "And you were there, and, oh, Doctor G, there's no place like—Ow! My head hurts!"

:Doctor G produces an ice pack and carefully places it on Duo's head.:

DrG. "For your hangover, Sir. Someone celebrated a little too much last night, eh? Here, I've also brought in your breakfast and morning newspaper. Anything else, Master Duo?"

Duo "No, thanks!"

:Grabbing a piece of toast from his plate to munch, Duo checks out the headlines for the day. They read::

FALLING HOUSE LANDS IN CENTRAL PARK!

Insane, tacky street-rat only casualty;

Mayor declares holiday to celebrate death!

Duo "WHEW!"

End