Revenge of the Fanfic Author

by Neko Athena

IT'S BACK! I series I started in high school and still love that I am reposting and continuing. I parody movies and TV while torturing Duo and others with my powers of AUTHOR!

2. Lost Transmission

Lost Transmission: "B..ar...th..Ra...F.th...F..f-c...A...r"

Fic #2 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written By Neko Athenao,o

Rating: R (violence, language, implied/fanaticized 1x2, excessive Wu-fei bashing, Hilde mutilation, warped humor, general decompression chamber evil, references to SPANDEX SPACE, and that uncanny ability of Quatre to understand Trowa when all he says is "...", which is scary, if you ask me. Marron, on the other hand, makes perfect sense, but TROWA... o,O;;;)

Author's Notes: Hey, hey, heeeeeey! You made it to fic #2? Wow, you're either really dedicated or really twisted. Anyways, this is the longest fic in the series so far, which doesn't say much, cuz itz onley da secon' wun, yo! It is also my homáge to the great science fiction flick SPHERE. If you haven't seen it, it doesn't really matter, cause I tore up the plot so bad, the screenplay writer might not recognize it!

Oh, well, it is only just a movie, but this, friends and neighbors, is THE REVENGE OF THE FANFIC AUTHOR! Just more fun with the mighty power of the proverbial pen. Abusing creative license is soooo fun! One day, they'll probably pass a law against it just to put me away!

:Zorak the Praying Mantis, the author's imaginary friend, rides by on a Hippity-Hop with a pasta-strainer on his head and a turkey-baster in his hand.:

Zorak "The White Coats are coming! The White Coats are coming!"

Oh, crap, not AGAIN! Well, I gotta bolt... later!

DISCLAIMER/ I do not own the motion picture or novel SPHERE, Hippity-Hops, Zorak, any yaoi or hentai doujinshi, Mountain Dew Code Red, X-ploder Bars no, I didn't make them up, they belong to Willy Wonka (the company, fools, not the movie character, oi...) , or Gundam Wing.

I DO own this fic, a pasta-strainer, and a turkey-baster, however.

I also own a TUR-KEY CUTTER! (long story, expl. In fic #4...)

#DAY 1, 06:00, government installation#

:The year is AC 204 1/2. All five Gundam boys are assembled around the back of a large round table in a secure government installation, the location of which cannot be disclosed. In front of them, General Milliardo Peacecraft and Lieutenant Lurcrezia Noin are reviewing a series of satellite images and infrared scans, as well as many pages of computer read-outs. Wu-fei, Heero, and Trowa are standing behind Duo and Quatre, who are seated. All look very solemn. After a few moments, Milliardo looks up and regards the young pilots.:

Mil. "Well, it would seem the early reports have been confirmed. Boys... we have a situation."

:The pilots stiffen, nodding.:

Noin "The 'structure' is located about 240 kilometers south, at the bottom of the South Sea. At this point, we can only guess as to when it actually appeared. Our information is fuzzy at best."

Mil. "It appears that the 'structure' is somewhat ROUND in shape... ahem"

:Noting Milliardo's obvious unrest at the statement, Heero inquires about specifics.:

Hee. "What do you mean, 'somewhat round?' "

Mil. "Well... it seems... Dr. J estimates that this thing is... a perfect sphere..."

Hee., cocks eyebrow "Perfect?"

Noin "His last estimate was... it could very well be perfect to at least the 6 millionth digit of pi."

Qua. "What?"

Wu. "But that's impossible."

Hee. "It's possible... but only in absolute zero gravity."

Mil. "Yes, that's right. Coupled with the fact that all previous scans have been unable to identify its material, Dr. J and the other scientists believe that it could be..."

Duo "Extra-terrestrial..."

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Yes, Trowa, I agree completely."

Hee. "That's why we were called in, isn't it?"

Mil. "Ah... yes."

Wu. "Hmph! That crazy 'E.T. Invasion Contingent' is pure madness, why would you even follow such a plan?"

Noin "Dr. J's plan was written long before the advent of war. It calls for the five most skilled pilots in the world to investigate possible contact or invasion by extra-terrestrial life forms. That would be you boys."

Duo, laughs sarcastically "What, the pilots, or the aliens?"

Mil. "This is a most grave situation... A... FACILITY has been constructed two hundred yards from the structure on the ocean floor. Level zero is air lock, and is connected to a small sub, which you can use to travel back and forth. Level one is the main control room. Level two is living quarters, and level three is sickbay and mess hall. Level four is storage, accessed from outside, where tools and... weapons will be stowed. You leave tomorrow morning at 04:00. Sally Poe is your medic, and Hilde Schbeiker is your cook."

:All stand, and Milliardo and Noin salute the brave young men.:

Mil. "Good luck, boys."

:The pilots return the salute, and turn to leave. However, before Heero walks out the door, he stops and turns back on his commander.:

Hee. "By the way... I had heard reports that a Preventer sub had already approached the sphere a month ago. What were the data they collected?"

:The platinum-locked general exchanges uneasy glances with his lieutenant.:

Mil. "They... never... returned. Their last transmission was lost before its completion."

Hee. "What was that transmission?"

:Milliardo gestures to Noin, who produces a pocket recorder from... her pocket. With an expression as serious as a heart attack, she presses the play button. The tape relays the sounds of mostly static mixed with bits and pieces of a garbled human voice, which, to the horror of all present, seems to be screaming.:

B..ar...th..Ra...F.th...F..f-c...A...r—

:The screaming abruptly cuts, and is replaced by nothing. No static, no white noise, just empty tape. Noin hits the stop button.:

Mil.. grave tone "Be on your guard boys... and for the Gods' sake... BE CAREFUL."

:The pilots leave, thinking about how they will prepare for this new and bizarre mission. Suddenly, about 3/4 of the way to the elevator, Duo stops dead in his tracks, his gorgeous features twisted in sheer terror.:

Duo "Wait... a... minute... I thought... she was... DEAD... Please, Shinigami-sama... don't let it gulp be true..."

Hee. "Don't worry about it."

Qua., pats Duo on back "It's okay, Duo, we'll be with you, nothing will happen... there, there..."

:Duo continues trembling nonetheless.:

Duo "Sh-she w-w-w-was d-d-d-d-dead, DAMMIT! ALL GONE! HOW IN THE HELL DID SHE GET ALIVE AGAIN!"

:The stressed Gundam pilot sinks back against the wall and slides down, hugging his knees. Eyes bulging, he begins to rock against the wall, whimpering slightly.:

Hee., pushes elevator button "You can be such a baby, Duo. Honestly, she's just a chick." smirks "You wouldn't really tell me that the great Shinigami is afraid of one little..."

:The elevator doors open slowly.:

Rel., cheerfully "HEEEEERO!"

Hee. "YIPE!"

:Frantically, Heero shoves a very confused Relena back into the elevator car, just in time for the doors to shut in her face. Trembling, he rolls against the wall, sinking down beside his braided cohort, assuming a similar position.:

Hee. "I... thought... she... was... on L3!"

Wu. "What a disgrace... to live in fear of a weak onna."

Qua., teasing "You wouldn't really tell us that the great Perfect Soldier is afraid of a little girl, WOULD you, HEERO?"

:None of the boys realize they have company.:

Sal. "Hey, Wu-fei!"

Dor. "Quatre, shall we fence before you go! I demand a match! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Qua. and Wu. "YIPE!"

:The young Arab and Chinese boys join their friends against the wall. The ladies look at each other and shrug, then walk back down the hall.:

Tro., sweat-drops "..."

Qua., angry "NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY, TROWA!"

#DAY 2, 08:00, the FACILITY, Level zero#

:The boys stand at the air-lock level of the FACILITY, about to begin their exploration of the sphere. Suited up in their under-water-type suits (which strangely resemble certain mecha, for some odd, unknown reason), they fit their helmets on (which ALSO strangely resemble certain mecha, for some odd, even MORE unknown reason), about to take the plunge.:

Sal. "Be careful, everyone! Keep in contact, and please, don't be too hasty, Wu-bear!"

Wu., face glows red "ONNA!"

:Sally places a kiss on the glass of his helmet's visor, then lovingly wipes away the lipstick smear. Chang is now trembling, either with rage, embarrassment, or something quite different.:

Wu., mumbles "Onna no baka... hmph..."

Duo "Well, off we go! I hope these E.T.'s are hospitable, I'm starving!"

:Suddenly, the intercom crackles to life. A more-than-slightly-manic voice blasts out, assaulting the pilots' ears, even within their helmets.:

Hil. "I'LL COOK FOR SHINIGAMI! YES, HILDE WILL!"

:Turning an unhealthy, not to mention unhappy, shade of blue, Duo latches on to a very agitated Heero's arm.:

Duo, small squeak "don'tletitgetmeheeroplease..."

Hee., "growls Let's get on with this..."

:Duo doesn't need to be coaxed, and leaps into the tube leading to the water outside. The other pilots join him. Sally blows a kiss to her Wu-bear, and shuts the door. After three minutes, the properly-pressurized room begins to fill with water. When it is full, the outer door opens, and out the intrepid young explorers go. The intense quartz lights mounted on their suits do little to penetrate the perpetual gloom of deep abyssal ocean, and their sight is further impeded by the thick clouds of various organisms that swirl about them, and the muck their boots are churning beneath them. They make progress toward the strange edifice through the tracking systems displayed on their visors.:

Hee. "Com-check. Sound off!"

Duo "02, Shinigami, here! Rockin' your waves with the motion under the ocean!"

Hee. "Omae— CHECK..."

Tro. "... 03."

Hee. "Check."

Qua. "04, Sandrock Pilot Quatre Raberba Winner."

Hee. "I KNOW, Quatre. Check."

Wu. "05, Chang Wu-fei, who will fight the alien scum and bring HONOR to NATAKU—"

Hee. "Special, Chang. Check. 01, Heero Yuy."

All others "Check."

Sal., over com-link "Check, here, too. Communication is clear as crystal, boys. Proceed to target."

:Through the ever-present haze, they see a large, metallic object slowly materialize before them. The sphere is large, tall as a Gundam, and highly reflective. Accept... there is absolutely no reflection of all the pilots assembled in front of it. The pilots simply stare, frightened, confused, and most of all, awed. Heero frowns, beginning to get a sinking feeling. The creatures of the deep, and the debris in the water, are all reflecting flawlessly on the sphere's surface. But only one pilot is seen reflected. Duo. Remembering the mission at hand, he adjusts the camera mounted on his helmet.:

Hee. "Are you getting this, Sally?"

:No answer from the FACILITY.:

Hee. "Sally, do you read me?"

:Still nothing. Heero begins to feel the first signs of unease creep into his mind.:

Hee. "Duo, Trowa, can all of you still read me?"

Duo, awed voice "Yeah... yeah, I read ya' Heero."

Qua. "We... we hear you... but..."

Hee. "Dammit, we've lost contact with the FACILITY!"

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Yeah... me, too..."

Hee. "All right, boys. Let's take a vote. We've lost contact, do we abort?"

Wu. "Well... gulps those ARE our orders..."

Duo "Aw, shit... we're here, let's just go ahead and check the damn thing out. What's the worst that could happen?"

:Duo is fixed instantly with three more Death Glares™ than usual for his tactfulness at being able to foreshadow future events and also successfully jinx them at the same time while still sounding cheerful. Shrugging them off, Duo approaches the sphere, outstretching his gloved hand.:

Hee. "Don't."

Qua. "No, Duo, you SHOULDN'T—"

Wu. "Idiot, go for it..."

:Duo's fingers touch the metallic orb, and immediately a cascade of ripples emulate from the point of contact over its entire surface. Transfixed, Duo pushes his hand further, strangely not surprised that it begins to sink in. Up to his wrist... his elbow... on up his arm...:

Hee. "Duo, you dumb son of a—"

:Without warning, Duo steps in, completely melting into the shape in front of the horrified pilots' eyes, as if merging with his own reflection. They stand for many minutes in stunned silence, unable to react to the events that have just played out. Heero is the first to gain his wits, cursing colorfully and in several languages.:

Hee. "Dammit, Duo... baka... aw, SHIT!"

:Before any of the other pilots can really register his words, Heero stomps to the sphere and enters. Upon entering, that string of vulgarities is cut short, leaving behind the bone-chilling sound of static on their com-links. The remaining three pilots stare. A few seconds later, the curses begin again in their ears, as Heero emerges dragging an unconscious Duo by the ponytail-pocket of his helmet1. Without so much as regarding his comrades, he continues with the braided baka back toward the FACILITY. After a few moments, the events sink in, and the rest of the crew follows.:

#DAY 2, 08:45, the FACILITY, Level three#

Sal. "Hmmmm... he's out, that's for sure... WAY out..."

Qua. "I hope he's okay sniff."

Tro. "..."

Qua., wails "Oh, I HOPE NOT, TROWA!"

Wu. "Hmph... Your handiwork, Yuy, or did you find him this way?"

:The intercom crackles again.:

Hil. "DON'T HURT A HAIR IN SHINIGAMI'S BRAID! I'LL CHOP YOU UP AND SERVE YOU WITH CURRY AND TURNIPS, I SWEAR I WILL!"

Hee. "grumble, growl He was already unconscious, Chang."

Sal. "Well, everything else seems to be normal, we'll just have to wait and see... if an alien pops out of his chest, or something... only time will tell..."

:Sally pulls another blanket over the gorgeous hunk o' bishonen, unfortunately hiding his perfect, stream-lined physique clad only in a devilishly tight wetsuit.:

Fangirl Brigade "drools Mmmmmmmmmmm..."

:The group, with one last look at their friend, adjourns to their quarters to discuss action.:

Hee. "We need to find out if the footage of the exhibition was recorded and analyze it."

Sal. "I doubt it did. Everything was dead, Heero... Audio, video, infra-red, SONAR, everything... it was like, you walked into a room lined in lead! Besides, there is a powerful storm going on top-side... and I'm afraid that means no communication with Milliardo, either."

:Silence, as the pilots digest this information.:

Wu. "Yuy..."

Hee. "Hn?"

Qua. "Well...?"

Hee. "What?"

Tro. "..."

Hee. "Hn?"

Wu. "What was... IN it, Yuy?"

Hee. "..."

Tro. "I see..."

:The others scoot to the edge of their seats, save Trowa, who had already been enlightened. Heero takes a deep breath.:

Hee., whispers "Nothing..."

Qua. "Oh... Heero, you can tell us!"

Wu. "Out with it, YUY!"

Sal. "Go ahead, tell us!"

Hee., steadies voice "I did tell you... there's just... NOTHING... not light, not dark, not air or water... just... NOTHING... nothing but Duo, just standing, frozen..."

:A stunned silence follows, as everyone tries to imagine the implications of this new piece of data. Heero simply stares into space, no emotion outwardly showing, save for the uncertainty flickering in his large, Prussian eyes.:

Sal. "We need... to get word to Milliardo."

Hee. "Hn."

Qua. "But how?"

Sal. "The only thing I can think of is use the sub to get back to the mainland. But, who will leave?"

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Trowa, that could be dangerous, are you sure?"

Tro. "..."

Qua. "Well, if that's the way you feel... I'm coming with you!"

:That settled, Quatre, Trowa, and Sally got up to prepare for the boys' departure for the surface.:

Wu. "Weak onna... probably broke the damn controls..."

:Wu-fei rises to set about getting ready for bed. Heero, still staring out into space, sits quietly, alone with his own thoughts. Then, he sighs, and slides his rolly-chair over to his laptop, deciding to find something to occupy himself with. He decided to work on filtering that lost transmission from the Preventer sub…:

#DAY 2, 13:15, the FACILITY, Level two#

CLANG

Hee. "What the hell?"

CLANG, CLUNK…

:Wu-fei sleepily stalks into the room, clutching a teddy bear and rubbing his eyes.:

Wu. "What's that noise, Yuy?"

Hee. "I don't— "

BONG

:The boys attempt to steady themselves, but the shudder that passes through the FACILITY throws them unceremoniously to the floor. Items stowed in some of the overhead bins crash down on their heads. Once the floor becomes stable again, the two stand, both cursing.:

Wu. "What the HELL was THAT?"

:The intercom blips, a small rid light flashing beside the speaker. Heero makes his way to the unit, which is located to the left of the door, and mashes the button.:

Hee. "Yeah?"

Sal. "Is everybody okay? Wu-bear!"

Wu. "Kisama! Shut-up, onna!"

Sal. "I'm glad you guys are all right."

Hee. "What hit us?"

Sal. "………………………."

Wu. "Well, onna? Speak up!"

Sal. "I… don't know… nothing's coming up on the sensors…"

Hee. "Weren't they malfunctioning earlier?"

Sal. "Yes, but… everything's back online, now… according to the computers, nothing's out there— "

CLANK

:This time, everyone manages to catch themselves before the impact can shake them off their feet.:

Hee. "Bull-shit!"

Wu. "Did Trowa and Quatre already leave?"

Sal. "Yeah, they should be more than halfway there by now."

:Another dull thunk is heard. This time, from below.:

thunk

Wu. "That one didn't sound like it was against the hull..."

Sal. "OH NO!"

Hee. "Sally, what— "

:But the intercom is dead. After a few moments, the two boys hear small clanging sounds from above, as Sally hurries down the ladder into the room. She doesn't regard the two, however, and continues to the next ladder going down.:

Hee. "Sally, what is it?"

Sal., from below "We forgot about Duo! He wasn't strapped down, you know!"

Fangirl Brigade "Damn..."

:Heero and Wu-fei look at each other, then follow her down to the sick bay. Duo is no longer sleeping peacefully on the little medic table. He is on the floor beside the little medic table, rubbing his head, and trying to get his bearings.:

Duo "Itai..."

Sal. "Duo! Are you all right?"

Duo "Yeah, I... guess..."

:Slowly, he rises to his feet, wobbling slightly.:

Hee. "Do you remember anything?"

Wu. "Like walking into that damn thing and scaring the living HELL out of everybody?"

Duo, smiles "I didn't know you cared, Wu-bear!"

Wu. "BAKA!"

Duo "I... remember seeing it, and my hand went in... and then... I was going through, and..."

All "AND?"

:Duo smiles sheepishly and grabs his neck.:

Duo "I don't remember anything after that!"

All "UGH! facefault"

Hee. "You moron... well, I suppose you ought to do some tests, Sally..."

Duo "Eep! TESTS? What KIND of tests!"

Wu., smirks "Just to make sure he isn't radioactive, or anything..."

Duo "gulp RADIOACTIVE!"

Wu., cruel sneer "Yeah, we wouldn't want a glowing braid wandering around here, that would be a SERIOUS health risk!"

Duo, clutches braid "YIPE! NOT MY HAIR! Sally..."

:Duo turns to the mission medic with tears gleaming on the edges of his big, beautiful violet eyes.:

Sal. "sigh They're just teasing, Duo... It's all right... but we DO need to do some tests..."

Duo "Will it sniff HURT?"

Fangirl Brigade "IT HAD BETTER NOT HURT!"

Sal., rolls eyes "No, Duo, it won't hurt..."

#DAY 2, 19:25, the FACILITY, Level two#

:After dinner, Heero returned to his laptop, and has been hard at work on the lost transmission since. Duo, who would NOT go to dinner, was able to convince Sally to bring him a microwaveable pizza and a bag of chips. He is already finished, and has retired, quite worn form that torture which Sally tried to sugar-coat with the word "tests" (which all came back normal). He is currently snoring on his bunk. Wu-fei is sitting cross-legged on his own bunk, deep in meditation.:

Hee., sits back This was a lot harder than I thought... Where did all that outside interference come from? Then again, everything went dead when we got close to the sphere. At least I'm finally finished.

THUNK, THUNK

Hee. "Uh-oh..."

Wu., opens eyes "Not again..."

blip

:Heero walks over to the intercom carefully, bracing himself for any impact.:

Hee. "Sally?"

Sal. "You guys... I've got this thing on sonar... You... need to see this..."

Wu. "Be right— "

BONG

:The metallic whine of the hull being scraped-against by some large, ambiguous entity sends another shudder through the FACILITY. Wu-fei steadies himself on the railing before ascending the ladder into the control room. He makes his way over to a panel of screens. Sally is hunched over one particular screen, the green glow from the sonar highlighting her face.:

Wu. "What is it?"

Sal. "Well... I... take a look for yourself..."

:He bends over the screen and scrutinizes the large green splotch next to the silhouette of the FACILITY. Then, his eyes go wide with surprise.:

Wu. "That- That looks like a giant— "

Sal. "Yeah... that's what it LOOKS like, all right, but... it CAN'T be, can it?"

CLINK-CLUNK

:An extremely violent shake spills Sally and Wu-fei into a heap on the floor. The two groan, but as it seems the bump won't be followed by another, they stand. Sally, blushing, pulls herself off of Wu-fei. Wu-fei just growls, then regards the sonar screen once again.:

Wu. "Hey... IT'S GONE!"

:Sure enough, there isn't a trace of the assailant on the screen; it seems to have vanished into thin air.:

Sal. "That was..."

Wu. "TOO weird..."

Sal. "What WAS that damned thing?"

:Wu-fei and Sally exchange looks.:

Sal. "It looked... like a giant cat head."

Wu. "But, that's impo—"

BEEP

:Suddenly, all the screens, devices, and lights cut off. The two gasp in confusion, but, just as suddenly, everything comes back on. Both look around the room, still shocked at the sudden loss of power. Then, their attention is drawn to the wall of computer screens in front of them. All the screens are dark, accept for the central screen. On it, white letters appear, as if being typed, a cursor blinking at the end of the line.:

Hello.

:Stunned, the three can only stare for some minutes. Wu-fei is the first to regain control of his senses. He slides into a console chair and begins to type.:

Sal. "Wu- Wu-fei, what the hell are you..."

Wu. "Answering."

Hello.

You are the entity known as 'Wu-fei', am I correct?

:Fear creeps into Wu-fei's soldierly mind, and a chill runs up his spine, but he continues the eerie conversation, while Sally watches.:

Yes. You are correct.

Good. I wanted to talk with you. You are interesting entities, you and your friends.

You know us?

Yes. I know much about you and your world. About the wars in space, and how you fought together. You were all involved in that war. A very…

"Very" what?

A very entertaining event.

Do you find all wars entertaining?

No. But your war was meant to be.

What do you mean?

You are entertaining also, but not as much as the others.

You sound weak... like an onna.

You sound stupid, like a dork.

What are you?

Better than you, Wu-bear.

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?

How is the entity known as 'Duo?' Is he hurt?

Unfortunately, no. The idiot is still kicking. Who cares?

You dislike Duo?

Yes.

Why?

He is an idiot. And a disgrace as a Gundam pilot! He is pointless.

He did more during the wars than you, Wu-fei.

NO ONE ASKED YOU!

You are jealous.

WHAT! NO I AM NOT!

Yes, you are. It is understandable. Duo is a better entity than Wu-fei.

BULLSHIT HE IS! HE IS A WEAK, FEMENINE BAKA WITH NO BRAINS IN BRAIDED HEAD!

You suck, Wu-bear.

:With that, all the screens abruptly start up, the top three displaying the views of the outer cameras, the bottom three their usual information. The text is gone, replaced by a display of the FACILITY. Level four is flashing red, and a loud beeping coming from the console.:

Sal. "Shit! We've got a hull-breach in the storage area! One of you will have to fix it from the outside, before the whole FACILITY is crushed by the pressure!"

Wu. "Well, it looks like I'll be doing it. Heero's still down there with that braided baka."

#DAY 2, 19:26, the FACILITY, Level two#

:Heaving an annoyed sigh, Heero walks to the medicine cabinet, wanting to nip his approaching migraine in the bud. After a few seconds of fumbling around, however, he realizes that he never packed any painkillers with his luggage. Not feeling up to climbing down to sickbay, Heero turns to Duo's small cupboard.:

Hee. "Crazy baka... sleeping through all this... Maybe he'll have something... WHAT THE HELL?"

:Upon opening the cabinet, however, he is nearly buried alive beneath a pile of what seem to be comics. Sitting up angrily, he snatches one of the books from atop his head, and is about to throw it aside, when the cover catches his attention.:

Hee. "What? Title is '2x1 Special: Chocolate Summer Nights'... That looks like me..."

:Curiosity now caught, he opens the book. It seems to be just that, a comic book, however..."

Hee. "It... it IS me! What the bloody hell? And that's—DUO! What the fu— AAAAAAAAHHH!"

:He looks away, squeezing his eyes shut in shock, for what he found on the next page was a depiction of himself and Duo in a VERY COMPROMISING POSITION which goes a long way to explaining the title. Hands shaking, he drops the doujinshi into the stack and stands, trying not to open his eyes. After a moment, he ventures to do so.:

Hee. "What is Duo doing with THAT? And... My GODS, they're ALL like that!"

:Feeling that migraine coming on even faster, he scrambles to another cupboard, only to have more of the doujinshis rain down upon his head. After a few frantic minutes, Heero discovers that ALL the cupboards in the room are filled with the hentai materials. Utterly bewildered, he falls to his knees in the middle of the room, trying not to look in any particular direction.:

Hee. "What... the... hell... is... going... ON!"

:Unfortunately, his eyes begin to stray, and alight on an image of the two of them sharing quite a graphic, passionate kiss. He tries to look away, but his eyes are met with another image of Duo doing something VERY hentai-ish to him. He feels his cheeks begin to flush, and...:

Hee., clutches head "YAAAAAAAAAHH! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, I'M GETTING EXCITED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Duo "Heero, what's wrong!"

:Heero snaps his head around to see that not only is Duo awake and standing behind him (looking quite worried, probably for his friend's sanity), but the room is completely empty. Every doujinshi is gone.:

Hee. "Duo... I—"

Duo, helps Heero up "It's okay... Everybody's gotta just let it out, sometime, Heero... I figured even you would crack soon."

:He helps the nervous Wing pilot over to his bed, and sits down beside him. Heero begins to calm when he realizes that they ARE, in fact, sitting together on Duo's unmade bed, and the images return to him. His face flushes even deeper. Duo is only wearing a pair of boxer shorts, and his hair is unbraided, falling around him in waves.:

Fangirls "OH, HELL YEAH!"

:Duo peers into Heero's face, trying to calm him.:

Duo, softly "It's okay, Heero, you can tell me... I'm here for you..."

Hee. "gulp"

:Duo scoots closer, placing a reassuring hand on Heero's shoulder. Heero snaps from the pressure, in his mind, and ahem ELSEWHERE…:

Duo "Go ahead, let it out... it's all right."

Hee. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

:Rushing from the room, Heero locks the bathroom door safely behind him. Duo merely looks on in confusion.:

#DAY 2, 19:32, the FACILITY, Level one#

:Wu-fei and Sally waste no time in preparing to commence repairs. After locking down the level from the control room, the two proceed to the air lock, where Sally helps Wu-fei suit up. Soon, he is outside the storage level. He is almost finished with the repairs, when he notices many strange blips on the sonar projected onto his helmet visor.:

Wu. "Hey, onna! What the hell is that on the screen?"

Sal. "Um... probably just a school of fish, Wu-bear."

Wu. "WHAT?"

Sal. "Uh, heh, heh... I mean, Wu-FEI."

Wu. "Hmph... can I kill them?"

Sal. "Just finish the repairs."

:After a few moments, the blips are with in range, and Wu-fei begins to see the school swimming around him in the gloom.:

Wu. "Damned ugly bastards... What kind of fish are these, onna?"

Sal. "Don't know, what do they look like?"

Wu. "Real ugly... they have red undersides, and a serious under bite. Bug-eyes, too. UGLY."

Sal. "..."

Wu. "Well?"

Sal. "Wu-fei, you just described Pygocentrus nattereri."

Wu. "What the hell are those?"

Sal. "More commonly, red-bellied piranhas. They live in the Amazon, Wu-fei, not in the cold, abyssal plane of the Southern Pacific."

Wu. "What are you saying?"

Sal. "THERE CAN'T BE PIRANHAS DOWN HERE, QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!"

Wu. "They're... looking at me funny..."

Sal. "Just get back here."

Wu. "AH! Dammit!"

Sal. "What is it?"

Wu. "Damn things... tried to bite—YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Sal. "Wu-fei... WU-FEI? STOP IT, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

Wu. "You're tellin' me... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! INJUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!"

:The com link goes dead, and no more is heard from the Shenlong pilot. Sally stares at the screen in front of her.:

So long, Wu-bear.

#DAY 2, 19:32, the FACILITY, Level two#

:After taking three showers of a specific temperature, and re-adjusting his "Perfect Soldier" nerves, Heero ventures out into the bunk area to find Duo huddled in his sheets, trying to squeeze himself as far away from the door as possible, his golden rosary thrust out in front of him. Heero looks to the door and sees the reason for his friend's behavior.:

Hil. "MY POOR, POOR, POOR SHINIGAMI! I'LL MAKE IT ALL BETTER! PLEASE, LET ME KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER!"

Duo, trembling "BACK! BACK, I SAY! BEGONE FROM THIS PLACE, EVIL DEMON! GET THEE BACK UNTO HELL WHERE THOU WAST SPAWNED!"

Hee., clutches temples "Please... don't yell... loud sound2... PAINFUL..."

Hil., whispers loudly "PLEASE LET ME MAKE SHINIGAMI ALL BETTER!"

Hee., growls "OUT, bitch! Leave 'im alone!"

Hil. "But sniff Shinigami LOVES me!"

Duo "BULL-SHIT!"

:Suddenly, Heero is furious. He pins Hilde up against the wall, her neck caught in his iron grip, and casts the grand-daddy of all Death Glares™. From somewhere deep within Spandex Space, he pulls out his trusty handgun, and pushes the barrel against her forehead.:

Hee., growls "Let me rephrase that. Leave him alone, or DIE."

Hil. "Yipe! S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sorry... y-y-y-y-y-y-yes s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sir..."

:He releases the frightened girl, who, eyes wide, quickly puts a great distance between herself and the soldier, scooting into the corner of the room. All the while, her frightened eyes stay locked on Heero. He returns his gun to Spandex Space, just as Duo bounds over and wraps him in a bear hug (lucky Heero).:

Duo "Thank you sooooooooooo much, Hee-chan! You SAVED me!"

:At the sudden display of affection, Heero once again flashes back to the doujinshi incident, and flushes bright red. Beginning to contemplate yet another shower, his thoughts are suddenly interrupted by Sally's frantic cries from above.:

Sal. "WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-BEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!"

:The three look up in the direction of the control room, then rush up the ladder to Sally's aid. They find her sitting in front of the central console, staring at the words on the screen. Her eyes and lips quiver, and tears threaten to spill down her cheeks at any time.:

Hee. "What happened now?"

:Sally looks up, and abruptly stops crying. Her eyes swell in surprise. Duo's arms are still hooked on Heero's neck. He is still clad in his boxers, and Heero has only his Spandex.:

Sal., stares at Spandex "What were YOU doing?"

Duo "What are you talking about?"

Hee., turns bright red "...N-n-n-n-nothing..."

Duo "Tell us what happened, Sally? Where's Wu-fei?"

:Remembering the previous events, Sally begins to bawl again, and through her tears, explains everything.:

Sal., sobbing "...And then... sob the piranhas came sniff, sob, sob and WU-BEAR'S GONE! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Duo, rubs Sally's back "There, there, it'll be okay..."

:Heero, meanwhile, sits at the console and begins to type to the entity.:

What did you do to Wu-fei?

Hello. You are the entity known as 'Heero.'

Yes. Where is Wu-fei?

Gone.

Is he dead?

He is gone.

Is he dead?

Did you like them, Heero?

Like what?

You SEEMED to like them... A LOT...

:Heero gets the drift, and blushes again, more fiercely than ever.:

You did that!

Uh-huh... Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

That was... just WRONG...

A lot of people think it is very right... What does HEERO think?

Who are you? Are you from the sphere?

You are avoiding the question.

:More powerful blushing from the Perfect Soldier. By now, everyone is watching the screen tensely.:

Duo "What is it talking about, Heero?"

Hee. "N-n-n-nothing..."

Duo "Wha—Itai!"

:Without warning, a doujinshi pops from thin air, and lands on Duo's head. He plucks it off and looks at it. Heero turns, sees what it is, and tries with every fiber of his being to disappear.:

Duo "Weird, these guys on the cover look like you n' me, Heero." opens doujin. "HOLY CRAP!"

:Now, Duo is blushing as well. He peaks over the top of the comic at Heero, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi-trailer-truck.:

Duo "Hee- Heero... is this... what..."

:Heero turns back to the screen to prevent himself from getting a nose bleed. The title of the doujinshi Duo is holding is "1x2x1 Fantasy: Volume I, Gothic Bondage Among Friends." He types angrily at the entity he is conversing with.:

You are a sick, twisted, perverted

Looks like Duo is enjoying it, too. I am glad. So are a lot of your fans.

Fans? What the hell do you think we are, some sort of characters here for your entertainment?

giggle, giggle E-X-A-C-T-L-Y!

Hil. "DUO! WHAT IS IT, LEMME SEE! PUH-LEEEEEEEEEZE!"

Yeah, let her see. Let her see the TRUTH! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Whatever you are, you are insane.

Look who's callin' the kettle black...

Hil., latches onto Duo's arm "GEE, HILDE LOVES HER SHINIGAMI!"

Duo, doujin. disappears "What the—hey, leggo!"

Hil., singing "SHINIGAMI LOVES ME TOO! OH, YES HE DOES!"

Back off, BITCH.

:Another tremor is sent throughout the FACILITY by yet another strange collision. Sally turns to the sonar screen, in time to see the same assailant rear back for another ramming charge.:

Sal. "Brace for IMPACT!"

BONG

:Hilde is sent flying toward the ladder, where her empty, purple head smashes into a rung, and subsequently against five or six others as she slides to the floor. This, of course, does little damage, as she has no brain and her skull has a thickness greater than that of the walls of Fort Knox. Duo, on the other hand, is thrown off balance as well, but lands in a much more comfortable place: Heero's lap. For a moment after the jolt, the two pilots stare at each other, turning Mountain Dew Code Red-red. Then, coughing and looking in opposite directions, they extricate themselves from each other's embrace, trying to act nonchalant. Slowly, the screen regains Heero's attention.:

NYA-HA-HA! Serves da Biz-natch-Hoe right!

What was that for?

She's a bitch.

...So?

NYA-HA-HA! Hee-chan agrees! dances happily

Why are you so quiet, no 'thank you?'

Why are you using Fanfic slang... ?

Uh... Ano... Because it is what suits me.

Are you an alien?

Sal. "I don't get it, it's just floating there..."

Duo, regards sonar screen "Like it's STARING at us..."

I am from Earth.

Do you have a name?

Yes...

What is your name?

o,o

Hee. "What the hell!"

:All turn to look at Heero's screen, all except Hilde, who is busy trying to catch the colored lights dancing in front of her eyes since her UNFORTUNATE fall. Sally and Duo gasp, then turn back to the sonar.:

Sal. "My Gods!"

Duo "It's the... cat head..."

Hee., looks over "WHAT?"

WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?

winks Wouldn't you like to know...

Just as I thought, more slang notation. You are pathetic, 'entity' o,o. Or should I say, AUTHOR o,o?

All "GASP! She's an..."

Hee. "That's right, a... FANFICTION AUTHOR."

All "OH, GODS, WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS HORRIBLE FATE?"

Oh, yeah? You think I am pathetic, eh?

Yes, you are pathetic. Is this the best you can do? I have read better...

growls Read better, why I aughta—evil grin Maybe Heero prefers DOUJINSHI-STYLE?

Um... no, that is NOT what I meant.

Uh-huh, SURE, Hee-chan... I know what you meant...

:Heero casts a sideways, sheepish glance at Duo, who is blushing again.:

See? You insult me, but yet you fear me.
I do not fear any 'entity.' You don't have very much power, or else you would have written a better scenario than this. This is not very entertaining.

Maybe not to you, but to me, it is. You should not doubt my power.

I have yet to see a good reason to fear you.

An invitation for demonstration, eh? Very well. But, what shall I do?

:At that moment, Hilde snaps out of her whimsical reverie and latches onto Duo again.:

Hil. "DUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo "AH! Please... leave... me... THAT'S IT!"

:Duo wretches himself out of the grip of Satan's purple-headed step-child, and pushes Heero away from the console. Frantically, he types.:

IF YOU ARE TRULY THE AUTHOR AND THIS IS A FANFICTION, THEN FOR THE LOVE OF SHINIGAMI-SAMA, GET RID OF THIS STALKING NIGHTMARISH FREAK OF A FEMALE

OFFICER!

May-be... say the Magic Word, babe...

:Hilde latches onto Duo's waist, singing in a tone-deaf manner.:

Hil. I LOve shiNI-GAmi oh SO veRY MUch, and HE, yes HE, lovES ME!"

Duo "AAAAAAAHHHH!"

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

Anything for a lovely, long-lock-ed bishonen! o,

:There is a poof, and, without warning, Hilde lets Duo go, allowing him to once again breathe, being free from her vice-like grip. Her vacant eyes light up, and she sniffs the air. The others can smell it, also: Chocolate.:

Hil. "X-PLODER BARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"3

:Hilde, with inhuman speed, flies to the ladder and immediately ascends. A few stunned moments pass, and the other occupants in the room hear the crackling of foil wrap and the smacking of lips.:

Well, you wanna miss the fun?

:Exchanging glances, the three remaining sane (well RELATIVELY) members of the mission crew head for the ladder. Up top, they find Hilde sitting happily in the air lock area, pealing bar after bar, chocolate smeared over her face and dripping down her chin.:

Hil., stupidly (not unusual) "Num-num-nummers! In my tummers!"

:To the horror—er, no, wait, scratch that. Let me start over... ahem To the SURPRISE of the three, the air lock doors begin to close on its own. Red lights begin spinning above the oblivious purple-ette's head, and a loud siren begins to blare. Everyone watches, unable to tear their eyes away, as Hilde continues to eat her candy bars, unwittingly sealing her doom. The room begins to adjust to the incredible pressure outside the FACILITY. Under the pressure, Hilde begins to bloat like a little twisted animal balloon, until, as always happens when you over-fill little twisted animal balloons, she pops. The pop is nearly ear-splitting, and the others cringe. When they look up, there is only a chocolately mess splattered over the air lock walls... not a trace of the former OZ soldier. Stunned at this display of awesome and total power, they climb back down the ladder to the console.:

My, those X-ploder Bars must have been POWERFUL... Excuse me... collapses in maniacal laughter at such a witty pun

:Duo begins to smile. Then, begins to smirk. Then, begins to laugh. Before the others can stop him, he sits at the console and types to o,o.:

That... was the most sick, disturbed, twisted, disgusting thing I think I have ever witnessed.

Why, Duo! bats eyes What are you saying?

You've lost your friggin' mind, o,o! That's it, you're gone! Don't get me wrong, that was cool and all, but... you are seriously demented.

I find it strange that SOME OF THE MOST MENTALLY-SCREWED-UP CHARACTERS I KNOW are calling ME insane. And if I'M so psycho, then why are you giggling like a school-girl, SHINIGAMI-SAMA? You're beginning to remind me of Zero-fied Quatre...

:Duo falls backwards out of his chair, laughing like the lunatic he is, obviously loosing the faint grip he had managed to keep for so long on sanity. Heero watches him for a minute as he tumbles braid-over-heels on the downward spiral, then hauls him up by the braid and is about to cart him off to the sleeping quarters, assuming everything is over. Little does he know. Ha.:

Hee. "You know, your narration is really getting annoying, too."

:The screen blinks a final time before going back to normal for good.:

Be gentle with your bishie, Hee-chan!

:Heero stops, red again, and is about to drop Duo to type a retort when Sally stops him.:

Sal. "No, no... Allow ME."

:Sally types solemnly.:

Omae o korosu.

:The screens return to normal. Oddly, Duo thinks this is about the most humorous event in the history of comedy, and begins his laughing fit anew, with fervor:

#DAY 3, 01:30, government instillation#

Mil. "Well, I just don't know what to say... the sphere is gone, and there aren't any signs of Chang or Schbeiker. The only conclusion we can make is that your story is, in fact, true. However disturbing it may be, we have no choice."

Noin "You'll all need to turn in a report, signed, of course, from you own points of view. Just some final paperwork before we can officially close this case. Pity that Maxwell ran off before we could commit—ah, get his report..."

Mil. "By the way, Yuy, I heard you had been working on filtering out that lost transmission from the Preventer sub. Did you ever finish that? You'll need to include it in your report."

Hee. "Yeah... I finished it, all right..."

:Once again, the Prussian-eyed soldier reaches into the depths of Spandex Space, retrieving a micro-player and a small disc. He inserts the disc and presses the play button, and the chilling sounds of a man screaming like Gateau with a broken nail.:

BEWARE... THE WRATH... OF THE FANFIC AUTHOR...

End

1 You read the manga, and the little mini-strips "Do it for Domon, W!" in the back. The one about Duo's "special" helmet is priceless. Not as good, though, as Heero and Duo braiding Trowa's bangs……… "Go, lion…"

2 "loud sound", Hee-chan sounds like a Furby... snickers

3 X-ploder Bars are milk chocolate bars with Pop Rocks mixed in. They are the shiz-nit. All other candy bars are inferior.