Who YOU Gonna Call?

Fic #5 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series

Written by Neko Athenao,o

Rating: PG (violence, language, general Bishonen sensuality...)

DISCLAIMER deep breath I don't own Gundam Wing, Bakuretsu Hunters, Mononoke Hime, Dragonball/Z/GT, Magic Knight Rayearth, Hershey, Bagel Bites, Ghostbusters I or II, the original Ecto II, any firehouses, the state of Tennessee, Evil Dead, Graceland, The Mummy or The Mummy Returns, any books belonging to or of The Dead, a Brooklyn accent-

gasp, wheeze

BUT I DO OWN THIS FIC!

Duo "So, what's the deal today?"

Mar. "No calls at all, right Fuu?"

Fuu, Brooklyn accent "Yeah, dat's right. Not one cowll."

:Things had been quiet for days at the Firehouse HQ of the infamous Bish Busters. Like their ads said, "Ghosts Exorcised, Sorcerers Hunted, Witches Whacked, and everything else!", but sadly the boys' paranormal investigation business was beginning to go downhill fast. They had fled their original homelands hoping to leave behind the horrible presence controlling their lives, but obviously the author's reach is farther and wider than they expected (heh, heh). After meeting up with Ashitaka in the backwoods of Tennessee, Marron, Duo, and Trunks had decided to work together to try to forge a living. Considering their varied resumes, the boys had decided to start said business, each having their own area of expertise: Marron- magic and sorcery; Duo- well, he's the God of Death, after all; Ashitaka- demons and angry spirits; and Trunks- Gods, Demigods, and connections in the afterlife (not to mention saving cash on security). They had chosen the abandoned firehouse because of its prime location, spacious living quarters, and because the author believes that it is a very fitting place for such a hot group of bishonen.:

All "HEY!"

Mar. "Oh, great..."

Duo "She's BA-ACK!"

Tru. "gulp Uh, oh..."

Ash. "What? Who? Who's back?"

:The boys quickly cease their WHINING, however. They REALIZE how much the author helped them in the previous stories in this INGENIOUS series, and decide to be a little more GRATEFUL.:

Tru. "Uh... NO! More like TRAUMATIZED!"

Duo "Grateful is going a tad bit FAR, I think."

Mar., thoughtful "No, no, she's got a point..."

:Trunks sympathizes with the young Bakuretsu Hunter, patting him reassuringly on the back.:

Tru. "It's okay, Marron. We feel your pain."

Ash. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

Duo "Ashitaka, just pray you never have to find out."

Mar. "Something good could actually come of this..."

All, turn to Mar. "Eh?"

Mar. "Perhaps now we'll get a break and somebody will—"

BRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG! BRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!

Duo "I'll be damned..."

Fuu, accent "Yello, Bish Bustehs! Psychic problems? We got the Psychos for da job!"

Tru., slaps forehead "Great motto, Fuu."

Fuu, covers mouthpiece "Hey, dis is only a SUMMA JOB, I ain't gotta..." into mouthpiece "Yes? Uh huh... right... dat don't sound too... yeah, aight, gotcha... you bet... sure thing... be right theah... uh huh... buh-bye."

:Fuu scribbles down a few details onto a legal pad, popping her gum nonchalantly. The boys gather around, eagerly awaiting her instructions.:

Duo "So?"

Tru. "It was a job, right?"

Ash. "Come on, tell us!"

Fuu "Aight, aight, don't get ya' panties in a wad..."

Mar. "Just tell us, already!"

Fuu "Aight! SHEESH! ahem Seems some freak went out ta some cabin in da woods an' started readin' some old book or sompin'. Anyhow, theah's all kindsa clouds an' stuff and the neighbehs think the guy unlocked some ancient evil thing."

:Suddenly, a man wearing dark desert robes with shoulder-length black hair and a large scimitar slides down the fire pole. He removes his cloth mask from his bearded face and speaks.:

Ahdet Beh1 "NO! THE CREATURE MUST NOT BE AWAKENED AGAIN!"

Duo "Uh, wrong book, dude..."

Tru. "Yeah, more like wrong continent."

A.B. "You mean no one has read from the Book of the Dead to resurrect the Mummy of Imotep and bring down his wrath upon us all?"

Mar. "As desolate as this place is, Tennessee is a far cry from Egypt, pal."

A.B. "Oh... well then, I am still on vacation!"

:Ahdet Beh Pulls out a pair of huge orange-tinted sunglasses and a cardboard sign saying "Graceland or Bust", and marches out the front door. Everyone watches him go, shrugs, and then looks back to Fuu.:

Mar. "Did that guy happen to mention the name of the book, Fuu?"

Fuu "Uh... yeah... he said..." checks notepad "Heah it is! 'Necronomicon ex Mortis'."

Duo "Damn! Why can't anybody leave well enough alone?"

Ash. "Oh, well. Let's just get this mess cleaned up and get paid, I'm getting sick of Bagel Bites."

Mar. "Hey, that DOES translate to 'Book of the Dead.' Should we go after that desert guy?"

Tru. "Nah... let him enjoy his vacation. Besides, we can handle it."

Duo "Right! So, let's get moving!"

:The Bish Busters walk over to the wall of lockers next to Fuu's desk. They suit up, each carefully packing a box of capsules into their wrist-pockets. The capsules contain all their equipment, from Standard Issue Big Guns to Ofuda Scrolls. Their suits, however, are their trademark...:

Tru., cringes "Oh, Kami-sama, NOOOOOOO!"

Mar. "Please leave the suits alone, please?"

:Grumble Damn puppy-dog eyes... The suits are so unique because they are quite plain.:

Duo "Whew!"

Mar. "Thank Ka—"

:Accept for the fact that they are form-fitting, black spandex.:

Ash. "What the hell?"

Duo "Oi! You are disturbed."

:Look who's talking...:

Tru. "What? It's not too bad, really..."

Mar. "That's because you're used to— oh, nevermind."

Duo "sigh At least the color's good. C'mon, let's get outta here."

:The boys walk over to the garage door, and bid Fuu farewell.:

Fuu "Lateh, boys! I'm takin' an eahly lunch, m'kay?"

Duo "Whatever, see ya."

Tru. "Hey, wait a second. We didn't HAVE a car before..."

Mar. "Uh oh..."

Ash. "Let me guess, that AUTHOR girl again?"

Duo "I shudder to think..."

Mar. "Do we have a choice?"

:No.:

Tru. "Fine, let's just get it over with."

:Trunks opens the garage door, and all the boys gasp in unison, for there in the garage in front of them is the original, often imitated, never duplicated, Ecto II.:

Duo "Dear Shinigami-sama..."

Ash. "She really IS nuts, isn't she?"

Tru. "She's taking this 'Ghostbusters' parody WAAAAY too far."

:Yes, they gasp in AWE that the author was able to pull so many strings and beg so many favors to HAVE the original Ecto II station wagon brought in ESPECIALLY FOR THEM at great expense and causing the fic to go way over budget. They think to themselves about how lucky they are, then they get in the car and DRIVE TO THE SCENE OF THE INCIDENT, HAPPILY, despite the giant sweatdrops on their heads:

Mar. "gulp Right... Ha ha, it's soooo cool!"

Ash., patting hood "Yeah, buddy! The ORIGINAL Ecto II..."

Tru. "WOW..."

Duo, grabs keys "All right, fine."

:The boys strap themselves into this living piece of cinema history. Before they exit the garage, however, Duo switches on the lights—:

Duo "Oh, no! If you think we're going to EMBARRASS ourselves like that, you're—"

:...lights AND siren, then pulls out of the driveway and onto the road.:

Duo, growls, shifts gears "Ona no baka..."

Mar. "Calm yourself."

Tru. "Y'know, maybe it was a good thing she got ridda' Wu-fei in that 'Sphere' fic2, you're starting to talk like him."

:After making such a witty and TRUE comment, Trunks finds a nice King Size Hershey Bar in his seat pocket.:

Tru. "Hey! Thank you! That was pretty cool!"

Others growl

:The troop of daring and handsome Bish Busters pulls up to the old cabin in the Ecto II, sirens and lights blazing. They step out of the nostalgic and EXPENSIVE Ecto II, and peer through the early fog of dusk, the warm summer wind gently rustling their long, silky hair.:

Mar. "AHEM Getting a bit carried away, aren't we?"

:Sorry, swept up in the moment.:

All "S'all right."

:The brave Bish Busters walk toward the door of the cabin. Dark, ominous clouds swirl above the cabin, lightning crashing dangerously close.:

Duo "So, what can we be expecting in here?"

Ash. "Could be some disgruntled spirits."

Mar. "Or a demon monster."

Tru. "Either way, we'll be ready."

:The boys ready their weapons of choice; sword, bow and arrow, scythe, and plenty of Ofudas. However, before they can advance, the door bursts open. Bright lights flash inside and an eerie mist billows toward the stalwart heroes.:

Tru. "Uh oh... this doesn't look too good, guys."

Ash. "Yup, she's broken out the Thesaurus on us."

Mar. " 'Stalwart,' ugh..."

? "WHO HAS DARED TO AWAKEN ME FROM MY ETERNAL SLUMBER?"

:A deep, mysterious voice booms from within the dilapidated domicile.:

Duo "Oh, boy... that doesn't sound good."

Tru. "Um... IT WASN'T US... SIR..."

Ash. "Nice one, Trunks."

? "YOU MUST NOW FACE ME IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH!"

Tru. "But I said it wasn't us!"

Mar. "Crap. All right, get ready, guys!"

? "CHOOSE THE FORM OF THY OPPONENT!"

Duo "What?"

Mar. "Okay, everyone. I've seen Ghostbusters I! Clear your minds! We've got to think of a strategy..."

? "THE FORM HAS BEEN CHOSEN!"

Tru. "WHAT? No, no, no, we aren't ready!"

Duo "We didn't choose anything yet!"

Ash. "Uh..."

BOOM!

Mar. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Ash. "I just tried to think of the most harmless, innocent thing. Something that could never hurt us—"

C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...

All "Oh no..."

B-A-D-A-D-A-D-U-M

:The cabin suddenly explodes from the ground as a giant Kodama emerges. It slowly turns its head toward the boys. The boys, however, are already running for the car.:

Mar. "Hurry up, Duo, unlock the doors!"

Tru. "GREAT idea, Ashitaka! Just BRILLIANT!"

Mar. "Duo, HURRY UP!"

Duo "Uh... um..."

:The beautiful braided bishonen searches through his tight spandex suit author shivers, but realizes there aren't any other pockets besides the one containing the capsules. And he didn't put the keys in a capsule.:

Duo "Um... guys..."

:The Monster Kodama stomps closer, shaking loose the remnants of the cabin's roof.:

Tru. "What's wrong?"

Ash. "Hurry!"

Duo "I can't!"

Ash. "WHY NOT?"

Duo, smashes face against window "THE KEYS ARE STILL IN THE IGNITION!"

Tru., Ash., Mar. "WHAT?"

Ash. "HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN NOW?"

Tru. "There's no need to panic. Stand back... I'll pull the door off!"

:BUT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN TOUCH THE HANDLE, TRUNKS RECALLS THAT THE FABULOUS ECTO II IS FAR TO PRECIOUS AND EXPENSIVE TO BE MANHANDLED IN SUCH A WAY. HE WISELY DECIDES TO STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE:

Tru. "Aw, come on, you gotta be kidding!"

:It's MY childhood nostalgia, dammit! ahem The Kodama closes in, our heroes better think fast.:

Mar. "Okay, okay! I guess I could try a spell."

:Marron whips around, an Ofuda at the ready, and begins to form his magic seal in a most beguiling way. The Kodama stops short.:

Duo "Wh-what's it doing?"

Mar. "..."

Tru. "We've got to distract it until he gets the seal done."

Ash. "Leave that to me..."

:Bravely, Ashitaka walks up to the towering tree spirit. He takes a deep breath and raises his arms to shield his friends.:

Ash. "OH GREAT SPIRIT OF THE TREES! CALM YOUR MIGHTY FURIES!"

Duo "Oh, yeah, that's it, SHOUT at it..."

Ash. "WE MEAN YOU NO HARM OR DISRESPECT! WE ONLY WISH FOR YOU TO BE AT PEACE!"

:The Kodama begins to tilt his head down toward Ashitaka.:

Ash. "PLEASE SPARE MY FRIENDS AND I AND RETURN TO YOUR FOREST HOME!"

:The Kodama cocks its head slightly to the side.:

C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...C-L-I-C-K...

Tru. "You MORON! It's not a tree spirit!"

Duo "Hmph, 'harmless' my..."

B-A-D-A-D-A-D-U-M

:The Kodama's eyes begin to glow a fiendish blue, as if they have come alive with flame. From them, two beams of electric energy shoot out, exploding at Ashitaka's feet, forcing him to duck and roll away at the last moment.:

Ash. "MARRON, ARE YOU ALMOST DONE?"

Mar. "... Yes! Got it!"

Tru. "We only get one shot at this! Let's hit him all at once!"

:Trunks flares up to SSJ, Duo switches on his beam scythe, and Ashitaka readies his arrow. Marron raises the Ofuda, which is glowing with power.:

Mar. "Wait a second, boys! In the movie, they had to combine their powers to defeat the evil."

Duo "How're we supposed to do that?"

:The Kodama's eyes begin to charge again with energy.:

Mar. "We're out of time!"

:In a daring, slow-motion moment, Marron flings the Ofuda, aiming between the Monster's flaming eyes.:

Mar. "GO FOR THE OFUDAAAAAAA!"

:Trunks waves his arms around in an elaborate pattern, then thrusts both of his hands together, palms facing the Kodama, his index fingers and thumbs touching.:

Tru. "BURNING ATAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

:Ashitaka pulls back his arrow, remnants of the demon strength forcing it further. Then, he lets it fly.:

Ash. "FORGIVE ME MIGHTY LOOOOOOOOOOORRRD."

:The Burning Attack connects with the Ofuda, charging it with even more power. Ashitaka's arrow pierces it, carrying it swiftly to its destination. The arrow nails the super scroll the beast's bulbous head. The Kodama stops, recoiling. It tries to shake the flaming Ofuda Arrow from its head. In its confusion, it staggers backward. Duo slowly raises his steely violet gaze, staring down his adversary.:

Duo "And now it's time... TO SEND YOU BACK TO HELL!"

:He hurls the beam saber toward the reeling Kodama. Everyone holds their breath as it spirals through the air at a ludicrously slow pace. The tension in the air is almost electric; a tangible presence weighing heavily on all those counting on this final, desperate attempt to achieve victory over this vile, demonic enemy.:

All "JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

:Uh... fine, spoil my drama, why don't you... grumble So be it. You all are just too cute for my own good.:

All, smile "THAAAANK YOOOOUU!"

:Hmph.:

All, evil snickers "Heh heh heh..."

:sigh... The beam saber hurtles toward the Kodama, at a less-ludicrously slow pace. The tip connects, splitting Ashitaka's arrow and sinking deep into the demon's forehead. The Kodama groans, obviously in immense pain. All four elements of the attack begin to pulse with their combined power. The ball of electric energy grows larger, larger still, until it finally overloads and explodes in a brilliant flash of orange and red light. When the light is gone, so are all traces of the evil Kodama.:

All, dancing "WHOOHOO!"

:The boys walk over and peer into the rubble of the demolished cabin. Duo picks up his beam saber. A small pig is lying in the center of the wreckage, fried to a crisp.:

Tru. "Huh... What was Oolong doing out here?"

Mar., patting Tru. on back "The world may never know, my friend."

Ash. "sniff, sniff I smell... BACON!"

:The boys stop, and look at each other. Then, they burst into laughter. Chuckling, the walk back down the road past the ever-faithful and ultra-retro Ecto II and into the fiery sunset, wrapping their arms around each other's necks in celebration.:

Duo. "So... who wants ice cream and pocky?"

All "I DO, I DO!"

THE END

1 Ahdet Beh is the desert warrior, or Madji, from The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. He is awesome. Almost as cool as Imotep!

2 Fic #2 in the "Revenge of the Fanfic Author" series. Damn straight, shameless plug.