(See Chapter One for notes.)
"Bloody hell," Spike said.
Actually, to Xander it sounded more like "Buh-looooooo-dy hell!" Complete with comedic jaw drop.
Cordelia's face lit up, and Xander couldn't remember seeing her look so thrilled over something she couldn't wear.
"Gunn!" she squealed, running towards him with arms flung open.
"Whoah!" Gunn wrenched an axe from his backpack and pointed it straight at Cordelia, stopping her in her tracks. "That's right, hands where I can see 'em."
"What the hell are you doing?" Xander shouted, an immediate urge to protect Cordy surging through his chest, especially when he saw the hurt expression on her face.
Xander felt like he'd dropped into some bizarro land in the past two minutes. Spike was in his apartment, some guy he barely knew was pointing an axe at Cordy, and the Storm-knockoff no one had even bothered to introduce was ignoring the drama completely in favor of examining the plastic potted plants in the corner. Huh.
Gunn advanced slightly, eyes locked on Cordy's. "I don't know about you, but I'm checking for knives."
"Jesus, G, have you completely lost it?" Faith sprang up and easily disarmed the guy, giving him a hard shove that sent him sprawling backwards onto the floor.
That still didn't break his stare.
"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Spike asked.
Gunn shook his head. "That thing ain't Cordelia."
That triggered a look on Cordelia's face that Xander had seen before -- the night in the warehouse, when she caught him kissing Willow. Back then, he couldn't do anything to stop it, but this time he could. Maybe. He walked over and gathered her in his arms, drawing her back. She sagged against him, burying her face in his chest.
"This isn't how it was supposed to go," she said.
While Xander tried to figure out what that meant, he caught Faith staring at them, looking like she was trying not to get jealous. Historically, that had not gone well with them. Oh, sort-of-dating a Slayer was fun sometimes. Xander might have tried to avoid dating girls who were stronger than him, but that ruled out a surprisingly large percentage of the world's females.
He shook his head. Deal with possibly-jealous-sort-of-girlfriend later, deal with the other situation now. "Okay, everybody just...wait. Okay?" It was a little bit like the old days with the Scoobies, Xander thought, steering Cordelia towards the armchair Faith had vacated. Always some kind of insane drama happening. Except Xander had apparently taken on Willow's role of peacekeeper.
Yay.
He surveyed the room. Cordelia was sitting on the chair, looking like someone had taken away her hard Snark Queen shell, leaving behind the gooey, messy insides. Of course, even a gooey, messy Cordelia could still verbally massacre everyone in the room. Faith was standing guard over Cordy, hands on hips and lips pressed together. Gunn had slid backwards and dragged himself onto the couch, where he perched warily. The mystery blue woman was still examining the plants. And being dead and resurrected had apparently mellowed Spike out a bit, because he was standing off to one side, clearly willing to admit that whatever this was, it wasn't his fight.
"Okay, let's start with...why the hell do you think Cordy's evil?"
"Oh, good, start with an easy one," Faith muttered.
Gunn crossed his arms. "Let me guess, she showed up outta nowhere one day with no memory at all, right? Total 'who am I?' routine?"
"Wrong, buster. My memory's fine," Cordelia said, sounding more like the Queen C Xander knew and loved.
"Except for...well, you know." Faith nudged her.
"Oh, right. Except for the fact that I don't remember what happened between the time I ascended and when I showed up in Los Angeles again a couple months ago," she said nonchalantly.
"Exactly!" Gunn said.
Cordelia sighed. "That's just two years, it's not like I don't know who I am. Besides, how does that make me evil?"
"Last time something came down looking like Cordy, it had us all fooled. Stuck a knife in lawyer bitch's neck, summoned the Beast to block out the sun, set Angelus free to go around killing and biting on Slayers," he said, glancing in Faith's direction, "before finally giving birth to something that wanted to enslave all of mankind."
"Doesn't mean this isn't the genuine article, mate." Spike shrugged. "People come back often enough it seems. 'Sides, the version with the evil inside died a couple months ago."
Cordelia's eyes grew wide. She turned to Xander and said, "I so didn't die...right?"
"I don't know, Cor." He glared at Spike. "It's not like anyone from Angel's team ever told us about anything. Like, I don't know, Angelus roaming free again? That might have been nice to know while it was happening, you know."
"I...yeah, man, I'm sorry," Gunn said, slumping back. "Listen, no one wants Cordy back more than me. How about I give you my side of the story, and maybe you'll see where I'm coming from?"
Almost an hour later, silence descended on the room. Gunn had narrated the events following Cordelia's ascension two years earlier. Well, mostly. Apparently, Gunn wasn't one to be throwing stones at Cordy for having memory problems, considering he himself was missing a year's worth (Spike filled in that section), and some other memories had been modified (Illyria, previously the fond-of-plants mystery woman, had sorted out the conflicting versions). Spike had also explained that Illyria used to be Fred, another one of Cordelia's friends from Angel Investigations.
Cordelia hadn't interrupted during that part - she'd cried a little, but most of her energy had been used up earlier, screaming things like "With Connor??" and "Impregnated again?!" and "Wolfram and Hart?! God, I turn my back on your guys for one second...."
The story had finished off with an obviously-edited account of the battle a couple months ago, after which everyone got really quiet, waiting for Cordy to react.
Finally, she said, "Okay. I get why you think I'm evil. But Angel can straighten this out. Or Wesley, he's research boy. Heck, I'll sing for Lorne if I have to. Where is everybody else?"
Gunn and Spike looked at each other uncomfortably. "Well...." Gunn started.
"Angel's in a hell dimension," Spike said.
Illyria stuck her chin out. "Wesley died bravely. I slaughtered the vile creature who took him from me."
"And we're assuming Lorne's dead, too," Gunn finished.
More silence.
Then, Cordelia barked out a short, bitter laugh. "Well, I figured I wouldn't see my friends again the night Skip told me I was moving on. I just didn't think it would be because they'd all gotten themselves killed in the span of two years." With that, she rose and crossed the room, disappearing into the hallway. Her bedroom door slammed shut a few seconds later.
Faith started to go after her, but Xander caught her arm. "Give her a little time to process this," he said.
"Yeah, because she needs more alone time?" Off Xander's look, she put her hands up and said, "All right, all right. I'm gonna go make a sandwich then. Post-Slayage munchies and all." She sauntered off into the kitchen.
Xander looked at Spike, who was watching Illyria, who was watching Gunn, who had found something utterly fascinating about the hardwood floor.
There was that pesky silence again. Xander had been in uncomfortable situations before -- he'd practically made an art of it growing up. But this one was definitely up there. If something didn't change soon, he was considering poking his other eye out just to get a reaction from the group.
"So, Harris, last I heard you were in Africa. What happened, couldn't get a decent comic book selection out on the dark continent?"
Spike was nothing if not reliable when it came to providing a distraction.
Settling into the familiar, Xander said, "As a matter of fact, Willow made sure I got my weekly supply thanks to magically-enhanced airmail."
Spike snorted. "So she tip-toes around demon fighting because she's afraid it'll make her go Big Bad again, but keeping you up to date with the X-Men is an acceptable risk?"
"You've obviously never read X-Men, man. Miss one or two issues and you might as well give it up," Gunn said, giving Xander the universally recognizable nod of acknowledgment of geek solidarity. Xander grinned.
Spike shook his head. "Et tu, Charlie boy?"
"Anyway, I came back a few months ago. Giles wanted Faith to set up shop in New York, and she needed a Watcher." And while Xander had held his own impressively in Africa and enjoyed seeing the world, being so separated from his friends and family was hard. Nightmares where Anya clawed at him with bloody fingers, where the dead of Sunnydale rose up and reclaimed him as a mistaken survivor, waking up and knowing he was half a world away from anyone who would understand? Surprisingly not fun. When it finally got to him, he'd sent Giles a desperate telegram begging for reassignment.
But Spike didn't have to know that. Hell, even Faith didn't know that. She still thought Xander had been reluctantly pulled from the field. Who was he to argue when she wanted to make it up to him with a little lapdance action?
"So I'm not saying one of my best friends is an evil demon or anything," Xander said, settling into the chair across from Gunn and Spike. "But if she was, how would we be able to tell? I mean, you guys couldn't last time. And I'm not exactly well-known for being able to tell robots and evil vampire doppelgängers from the real thing."
Illyria removed the corner of Faith's Poe CD from her mouth long enough to say "Cordelia is human."
Gunn and Spike exchanged looks.
"You sure about that, Blue?" Gunn said.
"She has the stink of the Powers on her."
Gunn raised an eyebrow. "Well, a crazed Power hitched a ride with her last time, so that's not really a good indicator."
She put the CD down and glared at him. "I can discern humans from demons, you impudent wretch."
Spike picked the CD up, cleaned Illyria's spittle from the cover with the bottom of his tee-shirt, and put it back on top of the stereo. "If you knew she was human, why didn't you tell us before, love?"
"You didn't ask," she said simply.
"She's got you there," Xander said.
Gunn smiled. "I'm just glad Cordy wasn't around to hear she stinks. Girl gets scary when she thinks she smells."
"Think that's bad, wait until she breaks the heel of her favorite shoe in the subway station," Xander said.
"You two are so dead," Cordelia said, poking her head around the corner of the hallway. "Okay, bad choice of words right now, but you don't make jokes about high-end fashions at a time like this, got it?" Xander gave her a small salute. She acknowledged it with a bob of her head, then turned to Gunn. Cordelia bit her bottom lip and said, "Well?"
Gunn rose from the couch, crossed the room, and wrapped his arms around her. "Good to have you back."
"It's good to be back," she said, hugging him tightly and grinning.
Gunn kept his arm around Cordy's shoulders as they walked back to the couch. She'd been pretty quiet the past few months, but Xander had chalked it up to post-something stress disorder, or the effects of partial amnesia. Or, hell, maybe she'd simply changed in the five years since he'd seen her last. It hadn't occurred to him that she'd just missed her friends. Xander felt like an ass for not realizing how important they'd been to her. How would he have felt, leaving Sunnydale and returning one day to find all his friends missing?
Xander was still pissed that Angel couldn't even pick up a phone to let the rest of them know about Cordelia. Of course, it worked out for the best since then his reaction might have been similar to Gunn's when she showed up on his doorstep a couple months ago. The whole First Evil ordeal had left him with a tendency to greet old friends with a pat on the shoulder, just to check solidity.
Cordelia had originally turned up in L.A. Found the hotel empty, no trace of her friends anywhere, though the alley behind it was a wreck. After a week, she'd somehow got in touch with Giles and asked for some money and Xander's address.
Eventually, with some help from Giles's contacts, they'd all heard about the showdown against the Senior Partners. Not that Xander and Faith had known Angel was even working for Wolfram and Hart -- not being told anything was a running theme with him -- and Cordy had been clueless, too. They'd assumed Angel and his gang went underground, that they'd contact Giles when everything blew over.
They'd assumed Cordy would get to see all of her friends again.
Faith exited the kitchen, stuffing half a sandwich in her mouth while the other half teetered precariously on top of a glass of orange juice. She stopped when she saw Cordelia and Gunn. "Awright," she said around the sandwich, "you foo kiff and make up?"
"Well, we do still have to figure out why she's back," Spike said. "Folks don't usually come back without some kind of purpose."
"What's your purpose, Spike?" Xander asked. That came out snarkier than he'd intended -- he was genuinely curious, but old habits and all.
Spike just shrugged. "Workin' on that, mate."
"Do you still get visions?" Gunn asked.
"I don't know. I mean, I haven't gotten one yet, but that could just be because they were tapped into Angel, and with him being gone--"
"You have the stink of the Powers on you," Illyria said.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Enough with the stink already."
"So you might still be vision girl," Gunn said. "Or half-demon."
"I can't do the cool glow thing or float, so probably not a demon anymore."
"Anymore?" Xander blinked. "When were you a demon? Oh, wait, what am I saying. Of course you were part-demon -- you dated me, after all."
Faith graciously decided to ignore his mini-outburst. "What I wanna know is, where were you those two years?"
"After he got back from his nap with the fishes, Angel used this axis thing to locate you," Gunn said. "Said you were surrounded by light, looking peaceful. Like you were in Heaven."
"It's possible, I guess. I mean, if Skip just wanted me out of the way, he could have stuck me in a nice, fluffy-clouds dimension." Cordelia fiddled with the buttons on her shirt. "I don't remember being unhappy or anything. But I don't remember being happy either. I wish I could remember...something."
"Buffy was in Heaven, y'know," Spike said, flicking his eyes briefly in Xander's direction before looking back at Cordelia. "Maybe you two can compare notes."
Xander looked at his watch. "Okay, who called an hour and a half in the Time Until Spike Starts Stalking Buffy Again pool?" That came out exactly as snarky as he'd intended.
"Give it a rest, Harris."
"Funny, I was thinking the same thing."
They stared at each other for a full minute before Spike snorted. He crossed the room and lightly cuffed Xander upside the head. "I actually missed this, you know."
"Yeah," Xander agreed. "The girls just aren't as fun to bust on."
"That's not what you said last night," Faith said, grinning mischievously before taking a huge bite of her sandwich.
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Saucy," he said to Xander, winking. "I'd watch this one."
"I'm all over that." Xander grabbed the rest of the sandwich from her hands and stuffed it into his mouth.
"Anyway, much as I'd like to continue this little party, sun's up soon, and your apartment's not exactly vamp-friendly," Spike said, jerking a thumb towards the row of windows.
"I hope you don't think that's an accident," Xander said.
"You coming, Chuck? Check out the new digs?"
"I'll meet you guys later. I wanna catch up with Cordy a little longer. That okay with you guys?" he said, looking at Xander and Faith.
"Our couch is your couch," Faith said. "I even promise I won't knock you on your ass again."
"As long as you don't make with the pointing weapons at friends," Xander amended.
"Fait 'nough."
"Here's the apartment address," Spike said, pulling a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and handing it to Gunn. Then he turned to Illyria. "Okay, Blue, you know the drill -- put on your travelling clothes."
Illyria tilted her head back, and the blue hair and skin dissolved into brown and white, the bodysuit molding itself into a pair of pants and an orange sweater. When she was finished, she looked like...well, Xander was assuming Fred. A quick glance at Cordelia's pained expression confirmed that.
Xander had to give Spike credit -- he took one look at Cordelia's face and quickly hurried Illyria out of the apartment, tossing a curt goodbye over his shoulder.
A second later, Xander's second wind disappeared, and he let out a huge yawn, stretching his arms up over his head and cracking his back. "I'm beat. Gunn, there's some pillows and blankets in the closet if you're staying over."
"Thanks, man."
"I'll be there in a few," Faith said, heading back towards the kitchen. "I wanna make another sandwich since someone stole most of mine."
"Har har," he called after her retreating back. Then, to Cordelia and Gunn: "Slayers. Munchies. It's a scary combo. Anyway, Cor, are you okay?"
"Totally," she said.
"You sure?"
She smiled. "Not so much, but what else is new. Go to bed."
"See you guys in the morning," he said, heading for the bedroom.
At least there was one thing he could be sure of -- life was going to be interesting for a while.