I wasn't completely surprised to hear that Sara called in sick to work. I guess I might have even been expecting it . . . anticipating that she wouldn't know what to say. I wasn't even sure what to say to her besides an apology that I had been practicing the entire day.
The day had been awkward enough without having to see Sara. My first day back at work was filled with Catherine calling me non-stop to make sure that I was okay. Warrick fluttered around me like a mother-hen. Greg and Grissom even seemed to hover over the layout room a little more than normal. Hodges smiled at me. It was at that moment that I was slightly thankful that Sara chose to give 'this' a little time to air out before we had the awkward conversation.
I tried to call Sara when I got home from work. I knew that she could never sleep right after her shift ended. She had taken to running or doing chores instead. Her routine wasn't that different from mine. I could never leave work at work. I pretended to, but Sara knew I couldn't. She had been right last night when she said that I care too much.
Sara never answered her phone, so I went to bed. My afternoon was filled with nightmares. They were the ones that made me wake up in a cold sweat; they were the ones where I was seconds away from killing myself. I always woke up with the familiar feeling of ants crawling across my skin. I wanted to call her; I wanted her to be in my bed, so the nightmares would go away. Instead, I woke up early. I went to work three hours early, much to the dismay of Catherine.
"So she's taking a leave of absence?" I asked Greg. I nearly choked on my coffee when Greg told me the bad news.
"She told me that she needed a little space. Sara's been really depressed lately. It might be good for her to take a break from work . . . from Brenda," Greg said. He looked equally depressed. Greg needed Sara more than he would ever admit. She was the one that helped him out at crime scenes. Sara was the one that gave him pre-trial pep talks. Sara had slowly become his mentor; she might have even replace Grissom in Greg's eyes.
"When did she talk to you?" I asked.
"Sar stopped in for a few minutes before shift. I ran into her in the locker room . . . cleaning out her stuff," Greg said as he dumped the rest of his coffee down the drain. Not even Hawaiian Blue could bring her back. I felt responsible for her mysterious exit.
"She asked me to tell you that she'll miss you," Greg said. That sounded a little more formal than just a leave of absence.
"You know how long she's going to be gone for?" I asked.
"Grissom told me she asked for a month," Greg replied. I was glad that she was going to be coming back; a month might be enough time for her and myself to forget about the boundaries that we crossed.
A month turned into three . . . three months turned into a year. I tried my damnedest to get in touch with her. I knew that she was receiving my emails. I had even managed to get her new telephone number from Greg. My phone calls went from once daily to once a week. I refused to let her forget about me. I refused to let our friendship end before I could properly apologize to her.
Greg would come into the locker room once or twice a week with stories about how well Sara is doing. I truly hoped that Sara wasn't feeding Greg what he wanted to hear. Greg said she had been taking classes at UNLV. Greg described it as 'time for her to begin to heal old wounds.' I really hoped that she was doing that, but I always feared that she was somewhere in Vegas living in an alcoholic oblivion. I wished I knew how to heal her.
"Jesus, Sara. You scared the hell out of me," Greg said. He was down the hall in trace following up on evidence from a breaking and entering he had run all by himself. I could hear Sara laughing. I knew it was her. It was a familiar laugh; a comfort after what was beginning to turn into nothing less than a tedious shift. I could hear them laughing and talking. I tried to resist the urge to run down the hall to greet her, but my body seemed to be in transit before my mind could make it stop.
I watched Greg hug her. He looked like he wasn't about to let go. There was something about the look in his eyes; it was something that wasn't there for the past year.
"Sara," I said cautiously. She smiled. For a moment, I tried to fool myself into believing that she had forgotten.
"Dr. Sidle to you," Greg teased.
"I finally finished up that Ph.D. that I had been working on for years," Sara said as a flush began to creep into her cheeks.
"It's good to have you back," I said. I fought the urge to reach out and hold her. I wanted to apologize face to face. I wanted to know that I had her forgiveness.
"I still don't know if Ecklie's going to re-hire me. I had an interview with his this afternoon," Sara explained.
"He'd be stupid to let you go," I said.
"Thanks. I better run," Sara said quickly after glancing at her watch.
"Why don't you stick around?" Greg asked.
"I have to go pick up Reece from the sitter," Sara said. She began to blush even more. I don't think she meant to say anything.
"Reece?" Greg asked before I could even open my mouth.
"My daughter," Sara clarified.
"Did you decide to adopt?" I asked cautiously. I suddenly had a sick sensation creep through my body.
"No. I've got to get going," Sara said, "I'll see you around."
Sara breezed past us. I waited a few seconds before I chased her down in the parking lot. She looked like she might have even slowed down to let me catch her.
"Sara," I said as I caught hold of her arm.
"I thought you would hunt me down quicker," Sara replied with a smile. The smile was so relaxed that I barely recognized it. "Aren't you going to ask?"
"Do I need to?" I asked my heart pounding so loud that it was almost deafening.
"Nick, I didn't mean to runaway. Everyday, it got a little easier to come up with reasons not to talk about what happened," Sara said as she expertly danced around the words, "Then it struck me that I was late. Then I thought about how you were still working to get your life back together . . . I didn't want to be selfish again."
"Sara, you could have told me," I replied. I didn't know whether to be thankful or angry.
"I took a year to finish my Ph.D. and get used to the fact that I was going to have a baby. I needed that year, Nick. I need a lot of time to work through all those demons that I was letting haunt me. You were right about me being able to be healed," Sara said as she leaned up to her small, green Saturn. I immediately saw the baby seat in the back.
"What do you need from me?" I asked.
"Do you want to be a father?" Sara asked answering my question with one of her own.
"What does she look like?" I asked. Sara smirked.
"What are you going to toss her to lions if she isn't presentable?" Sara replied laughing. She seemed truly happy. She had a peaceful air about her that was painfully unfamiliar.
"No, I'm not a monster," I replied.
"Why don't you stop over in the morning after your shift? You should meet her," Sara said. She rested a hand on my arm. "You don't need to decide right away. Nick, I don't even know how to thank you for Reece."
"I thought we were safe that night," I said.
"Apparently, latex can't hold your boys back," Sara replied. Now, it was my turn to blush.
"Where do you live?" I asked self-consciously.
"Here," Sara said as she pulled a pen out of her purse. She wrote her address on my forearm. Her touch was something akin to electricity. I couldn't remember her ever feeling like that before.
"I'll see you later," Sara said as I closed her car door for her. As she drove off, I was making a mental node to look at the belt on her car. It didn't sound safe enough to transport my daughter.
"Grissom, I need to leave," I said as I walked into the older man's office.
"Are you okay?" Grissom asked with a raised eyebrow. At that moment, I knew I should have probably went to Catherine first.
"I'm not feeling well. Maybe something I ate," I lied.
"Oh, go home and get some sleep. You look awful," Grissom said as he turned his attention back to whatever it was that he was dissecting. I hadn't realized that I was looking awful today.
"What did work get done early?" Sara asked as she opened the door, "I kind of figured you'd weasel your way out of work. I just put Reece down for the night."
"What's her full name?" I asked as I followed her to a couch that was cluttered with baby toys and blankets.
"Reece Nicole Sidle. She was born on July 3rd," Sara replied with a smile, "I thought Nicole might be a little more appropriate that Pancho . . . or Panchita."
"Are you mad at me?" Sara asked self-consciously. I must have been speechless longer than I had originally anticipated. Nicole . . . I was surprised that Sara took such a sentimental approach to naming our daughter.
"No, just a little stunned. Was everything okay this last year?" I asked. I knew that I was smiling; I knew that I wanted to be something more to my daughter than her mother's friend.
"If by everything you mean the delivery, everything went fine. The first trimester was a little rough. A lot of morning sickness," Sara clarified, "Speak of the devil."
The piercing shriek was enough to make me jump. Sara was immediately on her feet and headed towards the nursery. I wasn't that far behind her. Sara handed me the screaming baby; I always hated it when my sisters would pass off their screaming babies to me, but this time it didn't seem that bad.
Reece was beautiful. She had a head full of chestnut ringlets. Reece was a perfect miniature of Sara. I was in awe of the tiny fingers and tiny toes.
"She's perfect, Sara," I said as Reece screamed in my ear.
"She's also hungry. Take her to the living room. I'll got get a bottle ready," Sara said with a smile. I decided not be angry with her. I decided to take Sara's approach; I was going to be a father, and I was going to be damn thankful for that. I decided that I might want something more from Sara; I wanted to feel the electricity when she touched me. I selfishly wanted more.
A/N: Let the fluff-fest begin :) Don't worry . . . I'll cover some of the last year in flashbacks.