Wednesday

04/15/86

Another disturbing dream.

My mind is out to get me.

This needs to stop.

Toby is crying, which I HATE, but at least, thanks to him, I woke up. Will have to write about dream later, as it's too much for me at the moment.

My God! How can a baby cry so loudly! Especially a baby who's been quiet for weeks and weeks! The house rings with his wailing!

I've tried everything to block it out, but even deep in the pillows I hear Toby crying . . . if I can even use that word for the noise he's making! I want to yell at him, to slam doors and break china! I can't believe that he can still cry like he did in the before days!

This night is going to be VERY long, and I don't think I'll get to sort out any of my questions . . . TOBY! HUSH! What else can I do?

I can't believe I almost said it. I was so close to saying it; I break into a nervous sweat just thinking what might have happened, had I not rushed out of his room right now. There is no way to calm down but to write it all out, and hope my heart won't burst from what just happened, so here I go.

I went into Toby's room, with the full intention of picking him up and carrying him down to the living room so he would fall asleep on the rocking chair. I swear on all that is holy that that is what I meant to do. As I walked in, though, the old Sara came alive in me – I got pissed off at Toby, yelled at him to stop crying and before I knew it, threatened to call the goblins to come and take him away.

Yes, I actually did. That old threat slipped out of my mouth even before I had thought of it. I tried to stop myself, but it was halfway out, and all that my efforts lead to was the half-whispered ending.

My heart stopped, I literally froze on the spot. Even though I could hardly hear my self speaking, Toby abruptly stopped crying and looked me full in the face – a strange, half eager, half fearful look . . . compelling me to keep going, telling me to say it, say it, SAY IT I didn't hear anything; there were no thoughts in my mind, just a loud humming sound . . . I stopped breathing for what seemed like hours, and the worst part is, I felt my lips moving by themselves, and heard my voice, clearly but as though through great distance, say: "I wish . . . I wish" Then, I just ran.

I don't know how I got out of that room, how I got out of the house, and how I managed to get these papers on the way, all I know is – I'm not going back anytime soon.

Yes, I'm outside. Yes it's cold. I don't care. I'm so glad I can write this down – I think I would have gone crazy if I hadn't been able too. And there was me yesterday – thinking that everything was more or less back to normal . . . How could I believe that everything can just stop once it's started? And I finally realize that something has definitely started. Took me long enough. At least now I know that much, and will hopefully stop lulling my self into a false sense of security – something that I only now realized I'm very prone to do.

It's so strange that I'm finding all of this out about myself . . . finding out things that I don't think I would have realized had I not had all of these emotional shake ups . . . Someone's helping me again. That some mysterious someone that helped me solve the Labyrinth is now helping me sort myself out . . . Who can it be? I don't have any friends that know about all my troubles – lets face it Sara, who would believe them? I don't believe in fate . . . so who is it?

Everything's quiet back in the house . . . I guess I should go in, no sense to stay out here. If all that's happening will help me find this person or friend or spirit, or whatever it is, then I definitely want to face my fears – if only to find him or her.

Why would they help me though? Do they hate Jareth? What does Jareth even have to do with my life? Why was I singled out? And why does a part of me feel so drawn to him? I thought all connection between us had dissolved when I found Toby, supposedly solved the Labyrinth and came back . . . had it? Why do I still feel his power? Not over me, that's gone now, but he does seem to have something to do with everything that happens . . . and then there are the dreams… everything that has happened has had some connection with his world . . . Maybe the connection between us is still there because I didn't really solve the Labyrinth by myself, and he none the less returned Toby . . . Is that the answer? No, it can't be . . . That's too simple, and Jareth isn't simple – it's got to be a deeper connection than that . . . But what can it be?

That's it, I've come to the end of every logical chain that I've made, and it still doesn't make any sense . . . I have only created more questions in answer to the ones I had before . . .how much longer? I need to know – it's becoming hard to concentrate . . .

Maybe I am so freaked out right now because of that stupid dream. The things my mind come up with, honestly! I can't even remember most of it. It had something to do with Jareth, I'm sure. The thought of him affects, I am so drawn that I get frightened just thinking about it. I wish he'd stop tormenting me. Why does he hate me that much?

From now on, I will stop letting my thoughts of him intrude into my life. He does not exist, for all I care, and he HAS NO POWER OVER ME. He is not allowed into my dreams. No more of this.

That's it; my fingers are numb, my questions have run dry, it's too dark to write, and I could swear I saw an owl swooping among the branches . . . or maybe I only thought I did, but in any case, I'm going inside . . . what ever happens, happens . . . It's really to late to turn back, isn't it?