I woke up gasping for air; I had the nightmare about the ants again. It was the one that instigated most of my sleepless nights. I looked around the room slightly disoriented. I was still wondering what was the dream, what was real, and what was in the past.
"Are you okay?" Sara asked as she sat on the side of the bed that I didn't know how I got into.
"Where am I?" I asked still trying to process my thoughts.
"I woke you about a few hours ago and helped you in to my bed. Nick, are you having the nightmares again?" Sara asked. I knew what she meant by the nightmares. They were the nightmares that scared her too.
"I'm okay now. It's okay," I said more for my own benefit than hers.
"Let's go get something to eat," Sara said as she squeezed my hand. She looked scared. She looked like she was searching for a way to comfort me that didn't end in what we had done last time.
"Did Reece take her antibiotics this evening?" I asked as I got out of the bed.
"I gave them to her when the timer on your phone went off," Sara said with a smile.
"Is she sleeping?" I asked as a yawn escaped from my body.
"Like a baby," Sara replied as I followed her down the hallway. I paused in the doorway of the nursery. I desperately wanted to walk in and look at my daughter. I wanted to make sure that this was reality; that the reality wasn't the content of the nightmares that I couldn't rid myself of.
"She's still there. It was all a nightmare," Sara said startling me slightly, "Do you still have the nightmares often?"
I wanted to tell her that I had the nightmares more often since she left, but that wouldn't accomplish anything. Sara had been my sounding board. I could tell her about the nightmares because she understood what it was like to be tormented by your own mind. I missed having someone to talk to. I missed the subtle comforts of our friendship.
"Every once in a while," I replied as I followed her into the kitchen. Sara began pulling Tupperware containers out of the refrigerator. I was surprised to see that it was already seven in the evening.
"Are you okay?" Sara asked as she began heating something up.
"They're worse when I'm stressed out. I keep thinking about Reece and her earache. I keep thinking about my parents coming to visit this weekend. Then I think about you," I said. I was lucky I caught myself before I said something more . . . before I said what I wanted to say.
"I'm sorry. If this is all too much, you can walk away at any point. I don't want you to think for a second that I'm using Reece as a bargaining chip. I want you to be well, Nick. That's all I ever wanted," Sara said as she sat across the table from me.
"No, I don't want that. These last few days, all I can think about is being a good father. My father was perfect. He still is. I want to be that kind of father, but I am so messed up. Reece is so small. I don't want to let her down the way I've let you down," I replied. My mind willed her to stop asking questions.
"Nick, you never let me down, and you surely aren't nearly as messed up as I was. You are so great with Reece. You are going to be a great father," Sara replied.
"Sara, I'm so sorry I took advantage of you," I replied as I lowered my gaze toward the table.
"Funny, I spent the last year thinking that I was the one that did that," Sara said as she stood up and walked over to the microwave, "Quesadillas okay?"
"Sounds good. I missed you maybe even as much as Greg did," I replied. It made Sara laugh.
"I missed you too. Every time I heard your voice on my voicemail, I wanted to call you," Sara said.
"Let's not dwell on this. I should prepare you for my parents," I said before I could start making plans that probably would never come into reality.
"The letters are coming again," Sara said out of no where, "Ecklie is having some of the day shift workers print and do trace on them. It might be Brenda. The tone is similar to the ones that she sent me. These are more violent."
"Is Brass or someone going to bring her in for questioning?" I asked.
"Brenda has been lost to the system. They have no idea where she is. She ran away from her last foster home three months ago," Sara replied as she placed supper in front of me. Truthfully, I wasn't all that hungry after Sara's revelation.
"Okay. I'll call about having a security system installed here. My dad and I can start cleaning out the garage so you have enough room to park the car in there over night," I said as I started planning my morning.
"My landlord is never going to let me install a security system," Sara said shaking her head. I didn't surprise me that Sara had never bought a house. Sara didn't put down roots. The sense of things being permanent always seemed to scare her.
"Then we are going to have to find somewhere that will let you," I replied.
"I don't have enough money to just go out of and find a new home," Sara said softly.
"I didn't say you . . . I said we, Sara. Let me do this for you and Reece. I could sell the townhouse and look for something big enough for all of us," I replied. My nightmares seemed to pale in comparison to whatever it was that Brenda was threatening to do. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why Sara thought that was less important than nightmares that didn't constitute my reality. I couldn't figure out why she thought that she needed to fight every damn battle on her own.
"Nick, I don't want to put a damper on your social life," Sara replied. Her statement hurt me more than I ever thought it would. I never thought Sara would be the one to buy into all the rumors about my 'wild' sex life. My sex life seemed to consist of a handful of bad decisions rather than the frat-boy-to-hell-with-the-social-norms-and-commitments that everyone seemed to buy in to.
"God, Sara. Listen to me. I don't know where the hell everyone gets these ideas that I'm out every night with someone new. It's not like that . . . it's never been like that. That shit isn't even important anymore. I'm going to take care of you and Reece whether or not you want me to, so you better learn how to live with it," I said a little more forcefully than I had anticipated. Maybe it was years of people assuming that I was some sort of man-slut that fueled my anger.
Sara looked like a deer in the headlights before she began to giggle uncontrollably.
"Whatever you say, captain," Sara replied in a fit of giggles. I could only shake my head and laugh with her.
"I'm lucky to have you," Sara said, "Now tell me more about your family."
Maybe she was also thinking that there was the possibility of this mess turning into something more than organized chaos.