Friday

04/23/86

Here is yet another memory that has suddenly come alive; woken up, fluttered, stretched it's seemingly fragile wings and took off with such an enormous force, that I barely managed to hang on to it. I do not think that such a memory can ever be forgotten, but nonetheless, I will write it down now, while it's still fresh, and I'm not missing any details.

I was outside with Toby today, as I usually am at around 4 o'clock in the afternoon. He was playing in the sand box and I was just staring into space, into myself, rather, and trying to catch all of my elusive thoughts . . . There are so many now, so many thoughts, guesses, questions . . . they all go different directions, and if I try to follow one of them, I always end up losing track of all the other ones . . .

Anyway, Toby got pretty bored and started destroying all of the sand castles that he had so meticulously for about the fourth time, so I went inside and got him some soap bubbles. It now amuses him much more than it used to . . . He spent about ten minutes trying, and of course failing, to catch the bubbles I blew at him. After a little while, tired of doing it for Toby, I dipped the wand into the soap and held it up in front of him.

Delighted by the effect produced when he blew into it, Toby quickly learned the art of bubble blowing. I watched him for a while, until once again my thoughts began to wander and zigzag like lazy butterflies . . . I left my brother to his fun, knowing very well that the butterflies would soon turn into hawks, and that I needed to concentrate.

Soon my thoughts indeed took off, and brought me to remembering all that happened. I remembered how several days ago I tried to place the Magic Masquerade ball – it didn't seem to fit in anywhere, and I remembered how there were only two lapses in time . . . That got me thinking about them, and more specifically about the second one.

I tried so hard to think, to remember, but as I went deeper and deeper into my memory, I felt as though I was trying to push through very dense, almost soupy, fog. Fog that I hadn't put there. Weird, I know, but bear with me.

After what seemed like hours of this, though really it was probably only minutes, images started flashing in my mind. I saw myself jump, and just keep falling forever so long . . . then I saw something white in front of me, something alive and white . . . a blur . . . Jareth? Something or someone in white, holding something toward me . . . if dreams were a physical thing, I would say that whatever it was, was offering me a dream . . . there is no way to describe it . . . I saw myself speaking, though I couldn't hear what I said. I just saw that, and then everything spun, turned inside out, broke, fell, and as all of that was happening I stretched my hand out to grasp, or maybe to catch something . . .

That, I THINK, is where my memory ended. I'm not entirely certain though.

A crystal ball came floating toward me. I distinctly saw a crystal ball. Glistening with thousands of tiny reflections on its round surface, dreams hidden in its shining depths. It came closer . . . closer . . . straight toward me, as though drawn by an invisible string . . . closer . . . closer yet . . .

Almost mechanically I held out my hand, somehow knowing that the crystal would come to rest on it. Every thing slowed down to an impossible crawl, just my heart was racing faster than ever . . . I anticipated the weight of it, the polished smoothness of it's surface, the answers that would come along with it . . . It floated closer still . . . I held my breath . . . The crystal touched my fingertips.

For one moment I l looked into it's swirling depths. A shadow looked back, with eyes so proud, yet so incredibly sad . . . but only for a moment. Before I could even register what had happened, there was no crystal. It was only a bubble, a bubble that had burst into millions of tiny water droplets, never to be put back together. Never.

A shudder of pain went through me – not burning, or bone-breaking pain, it was different. My every nerve seemed to receive a shock, I couldn't move, couldn't breathe . . .

Once again I saw the images, but now there wasn't any fog, they were all clear and sharp, like the edge of a knife. Again I saw myself say something, something that didn't bother me as I was saying it, but that now caused me to writhe in pain. Again and again that scene replayed before my inner gaze. First I only saw my self, but then I saw Jareth. It was him that I was speaking to. I saw the altered look on His face, as my lips moved, carrying the electrifying words I could only feel . . . A broken, hopeless look . . . helpless almost . . . ended . . .

Pain, this time my own, and perfectly real now seared me . . . For some time, probably a few minutes, I just sat there, the world around me first coming back to my eyes, then fading from them, as all of my emotions finally caught up with me. As soon as I could move, I turned to Toby – about to cry.

I wasn't the only one. Tears were rolling down my brother's cheeks as well. His pudgy little hand was clamped onto the bubble-wand, and lifted halfway up to his lips.