04/23/86
I sat there, on the grass, staring at him, the tears having started their route down my cheeks as well. How quickly everything had happened! I felt as though it had taken hours, like I had lived the most important moments of my life just now, and yet, not more than five minutes had passed . . . . . . I felt like I understood all I needed, and a second later, I lost all that I understood . . .
I scooped Toby up and carried him inside, both of us shaken, so full of conflicting emotions, it seemed as if we were emotionless. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I wondered at how calm and composed I look, while inside I am a chaotic mess of thoughts and questions . . . Toby knew exactly how I felt . . . I could tell, by the way he looked at me . . .almost with pity . . . strange, isn't it? It's as though he can see all of me, inside and out . . . He fell asleep very quickly, almost before we had even gotten to his room.
For some time I sat near him, trying to calm down, to reason, to think . . . trying to figure out, to balance myself. I hadn't really succeeded, as you can probably see . . . I tried, but it was just too much . . . the force of all that had happened has knocked all sense and stability out of me.
Now I'm back in my room, trying again to sort all of this out . . . to . . . OK . . . try . . .
I feel as if Jareth was broken by what I said . . . or maybe it was his power . . . I just keep thinking that I had to have said something extremely powerful, something that wrecked everything . . . but I don't know what it could possibly have been . . . It must have been . . . what? Nothing but "powerful" and "bad" comes to mind . . . It has to be true, I mean I was the one that caused every thing to . . . how did I put it? "Everything spun, turned inside out, broke, fell" Yes, that. That's what I did with five or six words. HOW?
There's something else that really bothers me. It won't give me any peace until I have written it down, thought it through, analyzed it from all angles, and made some sense out of it . . . Though I sincerely doubt that it will ever come to that. Yes, anyway – here I go.
Let's try Sara; you won't get anywhere if you don't . . . Ok . . . I keep thinking that maybe . . . Jareth didn't hate me. Bizarre, isn't it? I even want to go further, and say . . . no, no I really can't . . . It would be too unbelievable . . .too overwhelming . . .
Well, if I keep going at this pace, I'll never get anywhere! I think I'm just afraid. Afraid of toppling my many theories that were all built on the "Jareth hates me" foundation, which is now beginning to crumble. But I shouldn't be afraid. I don't want to be. I'm not. Actually I am, but I'm going to pretend I'm not, and put down what I think. I really am.
Here goes: I think . . . that . . . Jareth . . . . . cared. He wasn't hateful, He wasn't cold, He wasn't even indifferent. He actually cared about what happened to me. He didn't show too much. . . but . . . He cared. And in the end, it wasn't just His power over me that was shattered; He was affected, almost wounded, by my words . . . Himself . . . but . . . WHY?
Unless he…
No.
This is so . . . so . . . too much. I can't . . . process it . . . He didn't hate me . . . he . . . wanted me to succeed, didn't he?
To win. To solve his Labyrinth and find Toby in time . . . How many theories that kills . . . But how many things are becoming clearer . . . My thoughts actually are, I think. But it's all so strange!
It turns out that I was valiantly fighting against some one who was, in fact, helping me . . . that someone was Jareth, wasn't it? The proud Goblin King . . . . But then, why didn't I see this then? I was so wrapped up in myself; in winning in beating him and time . . . I wasn't aware of anything else . . .
And there was something to be aware of.
What if he …? He must have.
It is the only explanation…
He must have lo…
MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?