Author's Note: Hiya guys! This here be my first ever Wallflower fic! I totally fell in love with the manga, but I've only read volumes 1 and 2. So bear with me, okies:D Hope you like it. nervous
Metamorphosis
Chapter 1: Remember
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot
"You have the face of an angel. And the soul of the devil himself. I don't know why you torment me so; why you won't just let me be. Can't you see? I want to be alone!" Sunako's words, mumbled softly to herself, rather fascinated her. It was, after all, undeniably thrilling to think of someone having the soul of the devil…
She'd been watching too many horror movies.
To the casual observer of her room, she wouldn't have been there at all, so camouflaged by the shadows and black curtains that hung thickly all about her was she. She was merely a small huddle in that pitch-black darkness, a small head sticking out of nowhere. A small face, about which hung thick, messy black locks of hair. Maybe, if the hair had been brushed properly, washed properly, it would have been shiny and silky and beautiful, instead of the frizzy horror it was now. Maybe the large dark eyes peering sadly out of that small face would have been beautiful and starry if Sunako slept properly, if she didn't cry so much.
But she had no regret. Not anymore. She had stopped caring long ago…
Sunako Nakahara. The bright, fresh-faced young girl standing in the corner. That was her, alright. Still a Freshman, Sunako Nakahara looked as gay and as blithe as another young girl giggling in the school grounds that afternoon. After all, why shouldn't she? She wasn't any different – she was a normal, happy, teenage girl.
"Ohmygawsh, Sunako! DO IT!" squealed Kiya, her blonde-haired, blue-eyed best friend (Kiya was half American). Kiya elbowed the now blushing Sunako in the ribs almost painfully. "C'mon! I've heard he likes brave girls!" Kiya interjected that one slyly, and it had its desired effect.
Sunako immediately turned to Kiya with sparkling eyes, and asked: "Really? He does? Who told you? How'd you know?" Her words came out in a kind of eager, nervous rush. Kiya grinned. Mission accomplished.
"Ga-Woo told me; and we all know that Ga-Woo is his…" She deliberately let the scintillating sentence trail away, just for the effect.
"His best friend," finished Sunako in a whisper.
There was a moment in which Kiya fixed Sunako with her steeliest glare, and Sunako's soul (and eyes) seemed desperately absorbed in the school's fascinating green lawn. All around them, the noisy din of people talking and laughing arose and mingled to form an indistinguishable kind of music. This would be the last time that Sunako Nakahara would talk or laugh amongst them for a long while. Of course, she, not being blessed with the gift of foresight, did not know this.
Finally, after what seemed an age, Sunako shyly and haltingly met Kiya's stern eyes and mumbled, "Alright, alright. I'll tell him. Like…right now?" Kiya nodded at her approvingly. Beneath the sheer nervousness displayed on her face, there was a certain set, grim determination too.
"Yes! Ok! Leave your bag and stuff here, I'll look after it! Ga-Woo said he'll be near the basketball courts; go NOW!" Kiya sounded extremely excited (and a bit domineering too, in Sunako's opinion).
With her heart thudding in her chest, and her head held up high, she began the brisk walk to change. For after now, there would be no going back.
Sunako Nakahara was a normal, happy teenage girl who was afflicted, one might say, with a strange sensation that had gripped her out of thin air, without giving her time to scream – love. And being young, inexperienced and worst of all, hopeful, poor little Sunako Nakahara put her heart on a silver platter and willingly offered it to be carved into tiny pieces.
What if he doesn't like me back? She thought anxiously. But he has to! He spoke to me three times during lunch yesterday, and he asked to copy my math homework on Monday! Why would he do that if he didn't like me even a TEENY bit? And Rukia's so much smarter than me at maths, anyways… Her heartbeat grew faster and to her, louder. Too loud. Oh, I'm so scared! How on earth am I going to tell him?
She had been too lost in her thoughts to realize that her legs had brought her speedily and accurately to the basketball court itself.
And there he was.
Standing there, slumped against the wall. He was so handsome…Sunako's breath caught just looking at him. Without her consent, her legs boldly carried her forward until she was right by his side.
Only then did he actually look up at her. "Yeah?" She blinked. He doesn't sound very nice…AUGH! Shaking her head firmly, she shut her mind against such depressing thoughts.
Staring foolishly at the ground again, she clasped her hands together tightly – it was an unconscious action, a symbolism of all the girlish hope she held in her heart – and cleared her constricted throat. "Um, well…I just wanted to say…" she mumbled.
"Yeah?" His voice was none too encouraging.
"I've…well, I've…"
"What?" He sounded so brusque.
"I've liked you since Freshman year!" When she finally said the all-important words, they came whizzing out at top speed, almost tumbling over each other. There was a moment of silence (or so it seemed to Sunako, although it was little more than a few seconds) during which he stared at her expressionlessly, and she bashfully returned it. And then…
He uttered a laugh. A soft, cruel laugh.
Sunako then looked at him as if she had been shot, her hands still clasped in that fragile, tell-tale position of hope and vulnerability. Why is he looking at me so meanly? What is he doing? Cold horror crept across her heart. Her eyes, too, widened in shock as a smirk spread across his face. It didn't happen like in the movies, where the villain's smile took an age to slowly reach from one end to another. No; it all happened too quickly. He faced her straight, and looked her directly in the eye.
"I…" Even in that single word, he managed to insert all of his scorn for her, and it pierced Sunako's heart keenly. "…Hate ugly girls." Her hands fell apart, all the strength gone from them, and her face was crimson with embarrassment. She could only watch in a numb, dumb kind of stupor as he slouched away with a mean sneer plastered on his face.
I hate ugly girls.
I hate ugly girls.
I hate ugly girls.
Hate ugly girls? He hates me? I'm an ugly girl…? I…he hates me…'cause I'm ugly.
For a long time she stood there- never noticing the messy strands of hair that blew across her face every now and then, nor the dark cloudy sky outside. A few tears flowed down her cheek unchecked, untouched; there would be no one there to see them. Everyone had gone home. Even Kiya left Sunako's satchel on the lawn as she hastily ran for shelter when the storm broke. Only when a huge clap of thunder alerted the dumbstruck Sunako as to her surroundings and situation, did she budge.
Slowly, uncaring about the torrents of rain that lashed down upon her, she fetched her totally drenched bag. Equally indifferently did she trudge home. Deep within her, something almost seemed to welcome the rain beating down on her. It feels so cool…
Poor little princess, did your lover spurn you?
Break your little heart and burn you?
Poor little darling, you may not quite mend…
You're warped till the very bitter end.
When she arrived home, Sunako hurtled miserably past her unconcerned aunt into her room, her little sanctuary. Her only sanctuary. Peace at last….how I hate the world...I just wanna be alone now. She then flung herself onto her bed and proceeded to cry stormily. It was the only way she could vent, the only way she could get the rancour of his bitter, bitter words out of her mind and soul.
Her room, still and silent around her, was not particularly odd. Splattered here and there with pretty pink soft toys (mostly teddy bears), it had a somewhat delicate, feminine air. Maybe the big stack of horror film DVDs in one corner felt slightly out of place, but that was Sunako's little passion, her prized collection of movies. The curtains were drawn back, letting the world the storm had washed sparkle through to Sunako. The sunlight was now pouring over her, golden and blinding. The sky outside was a pale blue, and the birds were out in full force once more.
Only, the heart broken little girl on whom our focus lies was too busy wiping her tear-filled eyes to see any of this.
After many an hour, her eyes could spout no more, and she rose from her facedown position on the bed. Shakily, she made her way to the bathroom.
She felt oddly…numb, after splashing some of the ice-cold water on her face. Was it all real? Maybe it wasn't…But this is all so real! I think I'm going crazy. She dab-dried her face softly, and as she brought down the fluffy white towel, she caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror.
She was not at her best. Her hair was rumpled, tangled and still damp from the rain. Her eyes were red, puffy and bloodshot from so much crying. She looked far too sallow and thin…too pale…and her eyebrows…her lips too thin…her nose crooke-
There was the noise of shattering glass. When the noise stopped, Sunako's hand could be seen embedded deeply what was left of the mirror, and rivulets of blood were already trickling down her knuckles. Shards of the mirror lay all around the tiny bathroom, glinting prettily in the yellow light…
"I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU! You're UGLY! Good-for-nothing, worthless, UGLY! I hate you!" Sunako was shrieking at her now shattered reflection. The girl who stared back at her could only be seen here and there…She was not whole. "I never want to see you again." This was delivered in a much quieter manner, and the voice that pronounced it was full of cold fury.
Slowly, but without wincing, Sunako withdrew her right hand. She acknowledged the blood and the pain with cool indifference, as if the red blood gushing down was not there.
Suddenly, she jerked, and her tongue was licking the bright red liquid feverishly. It tastes….good. Yes, it did indeed. She liked its zany taste. As she licked her knuckled furiously, as she licked the blood away, she began to chuckle.
"No, I won't be seeing you again. Ugly girl."
Sunako stared bitterly at the moon outside, as she peered cautiously through the moonlight streaming in through the tiny opening in the drawn curtains. She was muttering to herself, rocking back and forth while hugging her knees close to her chest. "So unfair….just wanted to be alone….why bother me? …better this way….wish they'd go…"
She felt a headache coming on. Gritting her teeth and frowning, she got up and bid goodnight to her beloved friends.
"Goodnight, Hiroshi-kun, Akira-kun and Josephine! Have sweet nightmares tonight," she whispered with mock cheeriness to them. I can't let them sense something is wrong…and maybe I'm just tired. School is so stressful these days….too many creatures of light…
She smiled woozily as she clambered into her coffin-bed. Sweet nightmares, my dears.
Author's Note: That was pretty bad; I know the story hasn't advanced all that much yet, and I'm sorry for that! But I loooove flashbacks, and I thought it'd be nice to have one of that fatal deed...drumroll. I promise I'll actually make the next chapter more interesting! Oh, and that little poem in the middle? I wrote it. I'm quite proud of it; seems to be the one decent thing in all this warble.