The Off Track
by Aoi Umi
A/N: Whew, it's been awhile since I last updated. I seriously have close to ZERO free time anymore, so I'm amazed I even finished this chapter. Part of it had already been written before school started, though, so the next chapter might take me even longer. Gomen! I wish I had more time to write...I really do...u.u;
Also, please excuse the use of Original Characters in this chapter. I don't care much for OCs myself, but the way I set up the end of the last chapter made it unavoidable. Don't worry; they won't stick around for much longer than one chapter. They're neither based on nor named after anyone I know, and neither is the town in this chapter. It's all randomness that came to my head. x.x
Chapter 7: "Happy Birthday to...Who?"
Dear god, thought Eiri as he clicked the door open and stuck his head outside into the pouring rain. What the hell is he doing now?
Apparently, what Shuichi was doing was trying out various ridiculous poses as a means of trying to hitch a ride. He had taken to the idea way too enthusiastically.
"Idiot! Get back in here! You look like a frickin' human lightning rod! You want to die?"
Shuichi paused and looked over his shoulder. His left hand was held out flamboyantly while his right extended a thumb up toward the heavens. Lightning flashed and illuminated his dramatic silhouette.
His eyes widened. "Eep," he squeaked. He covered his head fearfully and ran back to the car for cover.
"You idiot," Yuki greeted. "Look at how soaking wet you are. Don't come crying to me if you die of pneumonia or hypothermia or a cold or something."
"But...I'd be dead," Shuichi reasoned (gasp!).
"At least you're sort of clean now, I suppose," muttered Yuki, resting the side of his own wet head against his hand on the window.
"Yup," said Shuichi, rubbing his face to affirm this for himself. "Squeaky. Does this mean Yuki will lick me now?"
"I can't believe you sometimes. You really do live for the present, don't you?" He looked not at Shuichi, but at the rushing and swirling puddles and rivulets forming on the road.
"I'm off work for a week and I'm with you and I'm happy. What else matters?"
It was almost creepy how dedicated that guy was. "'What else matters?'? How about little things like, say, food and water and a stable body temperature?? I'm flattered, but god, take care of yourself so you don't fucking die. It's not my responsibility."
Shuichi whimpered. "I'm cold." He clutched Yuki's arm and snuggled him for comfort.
"Were you even—??" he started. Shuichi was shivering. It was probably exaggerated, but nonetheless, Yuki softened a little. He said nothing and did nothing but allow Shuichi to lean into him.
Finally, he rolled down the window and stuck his thumb out. "Observe. This is how you hitchhike, moron. All it takes is a simple thumbs-up gesture. I'd advise you to avoid using your middle finger if you want any results."
Shuichi blushed from beneath his cold little tears. "I did not," he sniffled.
"Yes, you did, a few times."
"Well, I didn't mean to."
"Idiot."
Several tense and quiet (save for Shuichi's occasional sniffles) minutes later, a car pulled over in front of them.
"Okay, now, let me lay down a few rules," warned Yuki. "Try not to speak to me too much. Americans are creeped out when foreigners converse in other languages in their presence. And don't act all clingy or act like we're a couple. Gay people also creep out a lot of Americans."
"Aw, can't I just be a girl?" Shuichi whined. "I won't talk at all and I'll just sit there and smile and be pretty."
"What? That won't work." Well, that's pretty much what I want him to do anyway, except for the 'pretty' part. "...Fine, whatever."
Yuki got out of the car to greet the person who had pulled over. He was a bright-eyed young man whose brown hair appeared to be flecked with red. He was probably a few years older than Eiri.
Eiri shook his hand. "Hello sir; the name's...Yuki. Uh...Sh...I mean, Ichi Yuki." Better to retain some anonymity.
"Is that Japanese?"
"Er..." he hesitated. "Yes." I should have thought up an American-sounding name. Dammit.
"Cool. Nice to meet you, sir. My name is Ronald Berkely. You need some help?"
"Yeah...I'm having a little trouble...um...the car's out of gas." He indicated the vehicle. "It's not my car," he explained hurriedly, obviously embarrassed by its overbearing cuteness. "It's a rental."
"Ah, I see," smiled the man. "You need a ride into town?"
"Please, if it's not too much trouble." Eiri clenched his teeth. This guy was friendly enough, but he could not believe he was stooping to this level.
"Okay, just grab whatever luggage you need and I'll clear some space in the back. Hold on a sec." He ran back to the car and spoke through the window, apparently to someone in the passenger's seat.
"Luggage, huh?..." Eiri opened his door and spoke to his own passenger. "Okay, that's you, I guess."
"Nani?" Shuichi tilted his head.
"Oh...nothing." Rather than repeat this remark in Japanese, he just told Shuichi to grab whatever stuff he needed and get out.
"What should I bring, Yuki?"
"I don't know! Don't ask me. Just bring whatever you want. We'll come back for the rest eventually."
"Okay...um..." Shuichi picked up his bag of stuff. And a half-empty bottle of soda. And a small pillow. And various miscellany from who-knows-where. And he went around back to the trunk and got even more stuff. He even wore the fishing hat from earlier. Now it could be a rain hat. Shuichi smiled.
"Okay, Yuki!" he announced. "I'm ready!"
Yuki turned around and nearly did a double-take. "What the..." Shuichi was weighted down with more than half of the contents of the entire car. "You idiot, there won't possibly be enough room for all that!"
Shuichi tilted his head again. "You don't think?..." He put back the soda and the pillow and some random junk. "Is that okay?"
"Lose the hat...please...then we'll see," Yuki sighed.
But it's on my head, thought Shuichi. Oh, well. Yuki doesn't like it. He complied and wistfully set it on the seat. However, he glanced back at it longingly. Then he grabbed it and stuffed it in one of his bags.
"Come on!" Yuki called impatiently. After grabbing a few things of his own and locking the car, Yuki strode over toward the other vehicle. Shuichi scuttled behind. Several times he dropped something and hurried to pick it up.
"Oh?" said Ronald when he caught sight of Eiri's pink-headed companion. "Who's this?"
"This is my...friend, Shu-chan."
At the most embarrassing possible moment, Shuichi lost his grip on everything and it tumbled to the soaking ground. "Ah...gomen..." He scratched the back of his head nervously.
Eiri leaned over to Ronald and whispered, "He's a bit slow."
"Ah."
"Shuichi," Eiri addressed. "This is..." he took a moment to recall the name. "Mr. Berkely."
Shuichi ignored the pile of stuff and leapt up to bow. "Hajimemashite! Ore wa Yuki no koibito nan daaaa!!" ("Nice to meet you! I'm Yuki's loverrrr!")
Eiri's face faltered a little. He seized Shuichi by the front of his shirt and growled in a low tone, "He doesn't speak Japanese, you idiot. And you are damn lucky he doesn't. If you don't shut the hell—" He stopped, looked up, and changed his tone (and language). "Eh, sorry about that. He doesn't speak English," he explained.
"Well, tell him I am pleased to meet him," Ronald smiled.
"Of course," Eiri attempted to smile. He turned to Shuichi. "If you don't stop acting embarrassing, I'll take your own smelly socks and shove them down your throat," he said genially, as if he were really conveying a greeting.
Mr. Ronald Berkely was none the wiser, and he continued to smile as he showed the two into his car. He indicated and introduced the woman in the front passenger seat. "This is my wife, Eloise. She's eight and a half months pregnant."
"Nice to meet you, ma'am," said Yuki.
"Nice to meet you and your friend," she giggled. She leaned over toward her husband in the driver's seat. "They're cute. But not as cute as you." She kissed him on the cheek.
Ronald blushed. He put the car in gear and pulled onto the highway. "So, if you don't mind my asking, Mr. Yuki, what happened to your head?"
Head? Huh? Eiri was in a daze. The one that's going to make my arms strangle something if it doesn't get either sleep or caffeine soon?
"Oh...he did." He pointed vaguely in Shuichi's direction. "Long story."
Shuichi looked up. "Ne, Yuki? What's going on? What are you talking about?"
"I was just...er, pointing out what a lovely hat you're wearing."
"This one?" Shuichi pulled the sides of it around his blushing face. "Aw...Arigatou, Yuki! That's so nice of you! I can't believe—" Then his eyebrows lowered in suspicion. "Heeeeyy...you didn't like this hat a minute ago."
"Hey, didn't I tell you to keep quiet?" Yuki warned.
"But—"
"Shut up!" he hissed to Shuichi. "Eh...sorry about that," he said to the Berkeleys. "It's almost time for his medicine..."
"Oh, dear," exclaimed Eloise. "Is your friend sick?"
"No, no...He just needs something to keep his energy level in check. He was hyperactive as a child...with A.D.D. or something..." Why am I making up this bullshit? he wondered. Though I wonder sometimes if it might not be far from the truth...
"Oh, I see," she responded, still obviously concerned. "Have you known him a long time?"
Rrrr...Why are Americans so fucking nosey? "Oh, yeah...several years. My friend dated his sister in high school. Or maybe my sister dated his friend. I don't remember." He grinned falsely.
She laughed. "You're funny."
Everyone quieted.
A bolt of lightning crackled through the air and struck the ground with a resonant boom. "Eyaah!" Shuichi squeaked. He reflexively clung to Yuki.
Yuki pushed him off angrily.
The rain poured down. Hard bullets of water pelted the windshield and obstructed the view almost completely.
"Wow, it's raining cats and dogs out there," Ronald chuckled.
Please, someone get me out of here, Yuki thought.
"Maybe you should pull over for a minute, dear," suggested Eloise.
"Yeah, that would be a good idea. You're so smart, honey," he crooned.
It was very, very difficult for Yuki to resist desperately tearing an escape hole in the roof, or at least rolling his eyes. Writing cheese was one thing, but that was work. Seeing great amounts of it in real life in a confined space was quite irritating.
"Yukiiii..." A chilled hand tugged urgently on his shirtsleeve. "What's going on? Why are we stopping?"
"Maybe this car's out of gas, too," he mused airily.
"What? Then, what do we do now??" he panicked. "Yuki?"
"Idiot. Take a look outside. It's raining. Hard."
"Yeah," Shuichi observed. "It's...what's that expression...? 'It's raining cats and dogs!'"
Yuki dropped his face into his hands. Gods, have mercy. Kill me now.
"So it's raining...and that will help us...how?" Shuichi inquired earnestly. "Oh! I know; don't tell me...can water be turned into gas?"
Yuki wearily lifted his head and stared in disbelief at that idiot. He didn't bother to answer, just shook his aching head and continued privately feeling sorry for himself.
Shuichi sensed that Yuki did not particularly want to talk to him right now, so he turned in the other direction and gazed out the window instead. After a brief moment of being utterly confused by a lack of visible scenery, which is something typically seen upon looking out a window, he settled instead on observing the patterns made by the thick sheets of gliding water. It was a little like watching clouds. In the midst of this violent, tumultuous storm, Shuichi blindly found amusement.
Yuki sat, silent, waiting. The air was still and there was not a sound other than the drilling of heavy raindrops on the roof.
"Well, darn," Ronald twiddled. "Who ever saw this coming? It was perfectly sunny this morning when we decided to go out for a drive."
"Dear..." began his wife. She gasped sharply.
"I mean, one minute it's a beautiful day and the next – boom! You don't know what hit you."
"Ronald..." she insisted.
"What, honey?"
"I feel...like..."
"Oh, gosh, are you feeling sick again?" he asked, concerned.
"No...I—ah!"
Ronald's eyes widened.
Yuki horrifyingly snapped to attention. He hoped to god that his worst suspicion was wrong.
Shuichi looked slightly confused, but was only mildly aware that anything was going on.
Eloise gasped again in pain.
"Oh my god!" said Ronald. "No way!!" He looked around in panic. Seizing the wheel, he put the car in gear and hurriedly glanced behind him. He slammed his foot on the accelerator and swerved onto the road.
Shuichi was bewildered. "Yuki?" He tugged again at Yuki's clothing. "What's going on now?"
Yuki sighed. This can't be happening.
"Yu-kii? Yuki Yuki Yuki Yuki Yu-kiii??"
Yuki ground his teeth. "That woman is going to have a baby! That's what's going on!" he snapped.
Shuichi's eyes lit up. "Really? Awww..." he fawned.
"Stop that! That's bad! She's in the fucking middle of nowhere and so are we with her!!"
Shuichi's head and arms fell involuntarily on Yuki's lap as the car swerved dangerously.
"Ron!" breathed Eloise. "Look at where you're...driving...and stop...looking at me...every two seconds. I'm—agh!—okay! Really!"
Ronald nodded resolutely and tried to focus on the road. But it was so difficult with his wife right next to him in so much pain. His eyes searched wildly as he strained to look through the torrential rain.
Shuichi, still sprawled completely across the seat, cowered excitedly in Yuki's lap. "This is kind of fun, ne, Yuki?" he chattered. "It's like a movie!"
"Like hell it's fun!" he spat. Then, "Get off me!!"
This effectively shut Shu up and sent him back to a proper sitting position. Why is Yuki so crabby today? he wondered. I haven't really eaten all day either, and I'm not acting all prissy about it. Shuichi was not one to dwell on such things, however. Huh,...I wonder if it's gonna be a boy or a girl?
"Ronald!" Eloise shrieked. "Watch out! There's a...a skunk in the road up ahead!"
When, when, WHEN is this nightmare going to end?? Yuki pleaded with no one in particular.
The vehicle swerved yet again, and this time Yuki found himself involuntarily thrown onto Shuichi. Shuichi happily took the opportunity to very briefly ensnare and nuzzle his favorite soft, blonde head. He next turned his attention out the rear window, where he sympathetically caught sight of a fluffy animal behind them.
"Yuki! Did we almost run into that fuzzy kitty-cat??" he gasped.
"It's not a cat, moron. It's some ugly, putrid-smelling North American animal."
"Aww...it's not that ugly," said Shuichi regretfully as he turned around and faced the front once more.
Yuki's gaze lingered for a moment on the road stretching behind. Just before it was completely out of sight, the skunk was struck by another, larger vehicle. Yuki cringed a bit as he turned around himself. Not that it really mattered, but he was sort of relieved that Shuichi hadn't witnessed this incident.
Come on, he pleaded urgently. Aren't there any civilizations in this accursed wasteland??
If Yuki was having a difficult time being patient, it was, as it should have been, about a thousand times more difficult for poor Eloise. She whimpered painfully and her breathing became more dire.
Ronald, for the first time throughout all this, acknowledged his passengers. "Oh god..." he fretted. "I am so terribly sorry about this! She wasn't due for another two weeks and—"
"Eyah!"
"Breathe, dear; don't worry, we'll get there soon!!"
The wind and the weather picked up again and threatened to veil all hope entirely. But, lo and behold, a sign doth appeared – a literal glaring billboard bearing the name of a civilization. Town, city, suburb, or unlikely logic-defying metropolis in the midst of an empty expanse of maize – it didn't matter. It wasn't a mirage, and Ronald exited at possibly twice the speed limit.
From the sheer name of this settlement, Yuki would have been leery. "Soyton: (painting of an effervescent crop-infested sunscape) Do We Welcome You? Soytonly!" But he couldn't even think to complain at this point. He sat quietly in tense unease.
Ronald halted abruptly at a curbside and screamed at a pedestrian: "Is there a hospital in this town?!"
"Why yes, young man," replied the feeble old gentleman. "Straight ahead on Main, then you take a left on Wickerbaugh and a right on Maple and another right when you get to 3rd Street..."
"Thankssomuchbye!"
"Or maybe it was a left on 3rd; I forget..." he mused to himself in the wake of the vehicle's dust.
Ignoring stop signs as well as speed limit postings, Ronald zoomed down the quiet streets and skidded around corners. He'd never been in more of a hurry for anything before in his life. He got to 3rd street and waffled for a moment about which direction to take. He arbitrarily chose left and gunned it. (Sometimes, not listening carefully really pays!)
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Forgotten and ignored completely, Yuki and Shuichi sat in a sudden still silence in the parked vehicle.
"So...um...Yuki? Should we go in, too?"
"Why?"
"I dunno. Maybe we can get food."
"Even in Soyville or wherever the hell we are, there are surely a thousand better places to get food, stupid. It's a hospital. I hate hospitals. And if we go in, someone's going to try and drag my head into an examination room." He indicated the bandage that was still unattractively adorning his head.
"You can wear this...?" Shuichi meagerly offered his hat. To Yuki's less-than-enthusiastic response, Shuichi persisted: "It would look so cute on you!" He leapt up and dutifully shoved it onto Yuki's head.
A few matted wisps of golden hair ornately framed the entirely unconvinced expression upon his face.
Shuichi, kneeling on the seat beside him, moved back a bit to admire his fashionable handiwork. "You look beautiful, darling!" he cooed fawningly.
Yuki shook his head. "Every time I'm sure you can't get any creepier, you go and prove me unequivocally wrong," he muttered. I should expect anything by now...he internally smiled a bit at the absurdity.
"So," he announced. "Let's at least get out of this Ronald guy's car." He popped open the door and gathered up his bags.
Shuichi followed suit. "That guy's name was Ronald? Like Ronald McDonald?"
Yuki stared. "Uh. I guess..."
Suddenly in Shuichi's face it became apparent that something of drastic importance had occurred to him. "Do you think he is Ronald McDonald?" he gasped.
"What? No. What are you talking about?"
"We should have gotten his autograph, Yuki!" he mourned. "Hey...wait..." His eyes widened a bit. He dropped all of his stuff on the pavement and sprinted for the hospital.
"What the—Shuichi!!" Yuki yelled angrily. "He is not Ronald McDonald! You idiot!! What do you expect me to do with all this shit...?!" Some of it was soaking in a puddle. The rain had stopped, and now a warmish wet breeze irksomely caressed his stern, solitary figure. He reached up to anchor the hat that was still on his head. "God damn him," he muttered to himself.
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A/N: Sorry for a second McDonald's reference. I don't even like McDonald's very much. x.x It wasn't initially intentional – I named the guy Ronald a long time ago, but I only just thought of Ronald McDonald at the very end here. LOL. Was this chapter predictable? Probably. Don't kill me. ;.;
I won't make any idle threats this time. I'm too tired. x.x But PLEASE review...please? I plan to continue this story no matter what, but you have no idea how motivating reviews can be for me...