The Off Track
by Aoi Umi
A/N: Hey all! Sorry it's been so long. I'm still writing this...slowly but surely. This chapter is insane. I don't know where it came from. This fic kind of writes itself and I can't really do much to control it. I hope it's still entertaining, though. If not, gomen nasai! I'll try harder next time! nn;;
Chapter 8: "Of Mice and Their Unfortunate Victims"
"Excuse me, ma'am," Yuki interjected.
The secretary placed the office phone back on its receiver and languidly looked up.
"I'm looking for someone—"
"Are you a relative, sir?" she droned. "Visiting hours for tonight are over in about 20 minutes, just to give you an ample warning."
"No, no, I'm not here to visit—"
"Emergency? The emergency ward is straight ahead to the end of that hall, take a right and then—"
"No! He's not a patient; he—"
"He's also a visitor? Well, unless he's a family member, you should remind him that visiting hours are over in..."
"I'm just looking for an idiotic Japanese guy with pink hair! Did he come this way??"
"Oh, you mean the one we just detained and shipped off to the psycho ward?"
Eiri's jaw dropped slightly. "...What?"
The woman smiled astringently and peered over the top of her cat-eye glasses. "Just a joke, sir. Hospital humor."
"I...see..." replied Eiri, although he clearly, impatiently didn't.
"You're talking about the guy who was jabbering about Ronald McDonald, right? Assuming he wanted food, I directed him to the cafeteria, but he didn't appear to understand me, so I gave him a map. Cafeteria's to the right at the bottom of those stairs down that corridor."
"Thanks," Eiri broke away, relieved, and started down the hallway. He tried not to look at the very blank walls. Despite his attempts not to breathe, the sterile scent of hospital found its way into his nostrils all the same. Walking down the stairs, he closed his eyes and focused on his objectives: Find Shuichi. Grab Shuichi. Leave.
His eyes shot open as he tripped on something and nearly lost his balance. Looking at what it was, he mentally checked off Objective #1 with a grimace.
"What are you doing??" he demanded.
"Hi, Yuki. Sitting here on the stairs," Shuichi stated. "I found this little guy," he explained. He held up a small, quivering white mouse in the palm of his hands. "He was here on the stairs and I thought he might hurt himself, so I wanted to help him."
"Eh..." Yuki looked around. I don't think that's supposed to be here...
"Look at the way he twitches. See his nose?"
Yuki regarded Shuichi and the rodent irritably. "What happened to Ronald McDonald? Is that rat more important?...And if you ditched me for Ronald McDonald, where does that leave me, you brat?"
"Hm...he'd probably leave you on top of a mountain, because you don't seem to like him very much."
"...What?"
"Without any food or water," Shuichi nodded in agreement with himself. "But don't worry, Yuki; I wouldn't do that," he smiled.
"Yes, well, how considerate of you," Yuki sniffed.
"Oh, stop being bitchy, Yuki. Are you jealous? Yuki is jealous of a mouse!" He grinned haughtily. "Yuki is jealous, Yuki is jealous!" he sang.
On second thought, skip the second objective, thought Yuki. He promptly turned around to leave. He can just stay here for all I care. Maybe they really will take him to a psycho ward, and do the world a long-overdue favor.
"Yuki? Where are you going?" Shuichi hurriedly cupped the mouse in his hands and stood up. "Yu—"
The two of them simply stared in awe at what was now blockading the hallway.
"Don't move..." warned Yuki.
Shuichi's eyes widened in amazement. "They're...they're...SO CUTE!" He leapt and the hundred albino rodents scattered in all directions, creating a veritable wave of claws and fur.
"Oh my...holy shit. Idiot!" He grabbed Shuichi's arm and swiftly pulled him down the stairs, but Shuichi wasn't budging. "What's wrong with you? Let's get out of here!"
Shuichi gave in and stumbled down the stairs behind Yuki, barely avoiding tripping all the way. Heee...we're holding hands and he doesn't care! He shook his head and woke from his fleeting daydream. "Yukii! Why are we running away? They're just fuzzy little mice."
"They could have some disease like rabies or something."
"Huh? Isn't that one of those S.T.—I mean, when I said that stuff about you being jealous of the mouse, I didn't mean so far as—"
"Rabies...I said RABIES. You idiot..."
Arriving at the foot of the stairs, the two of them glanced each way and then behind them. Forty or fifty mice were squirming and leaping about on the stairs.
"Let's go this way." Yuki leapt straight ahead, but slowed down to a brisk, rigid walk. "We don't want to look suspicious, I guess..." he muttered.
Apparently their suspiciousness level did not decrease a whole lot, or else they just looked very lost and confused, because a white-coated doctor noticed them and asked, "Can I help you gentlemen find something?"
"Um...actually, where's the nearest exit?" Yuki pointed to Shuichi and explained, "He's feeling a little sick and we'd like to get some fresh air."
"Sick? Well, you're in the right place," the man chuckled. Then his expression turned rather grave. Of Shuichi he inquired, "Can you describe the feeling to me? Where do you feel sick? Stomach?"
Yuki mentally winced. What a nice excuse to use in a hospital. Stupid, he cursed himself.
Shuichi simply blinked. "A...ano..."
"It's okay, really," Yuki interrupted. "He'll be okay once we get outside. It's just like an allergy...thing."
The doctor shrugged. Suddenly he caught sight of about two dozen rodents interspersed throughout the corridor at various intervals. "What the—?"
Yuki turned around dreadfully. Pretending to be surprised, he widened his eyes and said, "Oh! Where did those come from??"
"Oh man, they look like specimens from the experimental research department," said the doctor. "Stay right there while I go into this office and call—heyy..." his eyes locked onto Shuichi and he stopped. Without an explanation, he outstretched a hand toward him.
Shuichi, with frightened doe eyes, stepped back and clung to Yuki as a claimed possession.
Eiri had just realized flusteredly that the two of them were still holding hands. But the doctor's look of intense interest in Shuichi convinced him to remain somewhat protective.
"Sorry, sorry!" The doctor leapt back and apologized. "But what's that in your pocket, sir, if I may ask?"
"Po...poketto ni wa?" Shuichi blinked. He blushed and tried to stuff whatever it was back in.
"What is in your pocket?" Yuki raised an eyebrow.
"Nezumi-san da," he whispered. ("It's mouse-san.")
The skin on the back of Eiri's neck crawled slightly. While a few of the mice skittered and the doctor became distracted, Yuki pulled at Shuichi's arm again in an attempt to make a quick escape.
"Get rid of that thing," he hissed, referring to the mouse, after they had turned a corner and stopped.
The doctor's voice could be heard exclaiming, "Oh god, there must be dozens of them!!" in the corridor from which they'd come. Indeed, a handful of mice now appeared at Shuichi's feet as well. Two of them stood on their hind legs and squeaked imploringly.
"You're popular. Shindou, you slut," Yuki half-smiled.
"Haha...Yuki, that was funny," he giggled.
"No...I'm serious."
"..." Shuichi considered this. "Yuki! I didn't cheat on you!" He grasped the front of Yuki's shirt and looked dramatically into his eyes. "Really!"
"Stupid...shhh! You're being loud," he hissed. "Come on; let's sneak out that way."
They ambled down the hallway but quickly picked up pace. Turning another corner, Shuichi slowed, braced for a fall, and leaned into the wall. He uttered a squeak quite like those of the mice, if not slightly more garbled and pitiful.
Eiri looked back. "What are you—" The poor scrawny thing looked like he was in pain. "Shuichi?"
Shuichi looked up. "I'm okay, Yuki," he lied. "I'm not dying of starvation or anything..." He pointedly poured exaggerated energy into resuming his walk-run.
"You're not going to die...stupid."
Shuichi coasted defeatedly into Yuki's back. "Yes I am!" he decided. Then he wailed, "Carry me, Yuki!"
Yuki glared, perturbed. That boy had to be the most capricious, melodramatic being on the face of the planet. "Carry you? Are you out of your mind?"
"You said yourself that I'm nothing but skin and bones...remember, when you said that I'm no good on top when—"
"Just shut up and get up off the floor!!" Yuki hissed. He glanced back again only to find Shuichi's body crawling with rodents. Where did those come from?? Damn, those things run fast.
"Eee..." Shuichi surrendered. "This looks like the end...goodbye, Yuki!"
Yuki rolled his eyes. Mr. Drama Queen should just be left behind and crowned Queen of the Rodents. He envisioned Shu-nezumi with a curly rat tail, sitting contentedly in a sewer somewhere, being shamelessly catered to by his constantly proliferating, disease-ridden subjects. This was strangely somehow amusing, and Eiri smirked a bit in spite of himself.
"Gyaa!" cried Shuichi. "It bit me in the--! Yuki!" He extended a hand pleadingly upward.
Yuki took it and kicked spitefully at Shuichi's assailants. No one bites his cute little ass except me, he thought, which surprised even himself. God, I sound like the hero in some cheesy action romance, with a really lascivious streak...
Shuichi fell into his arms joyfully. "You're my hero, Yuki!" he enunciated as if he could read Yuki's thoughts in his expression. Which maybe he could.
The two of them looked down. Rodents were still crawling in and out of Shuichi's pants and pockets. He shrugged apologetically.
Yuki simply pulled him in the direction of the nearest exit. They were almost there. The fading daylight was almost touchable, breathable. And, predictably, barred by a final obstacle.
"Hold it, sirs. Where are you going with these specimens?" The guard detained them and then called someone on his radio.
Eiri vaguely thought of some comment about taking them out to dinner and a movie, but, being decidedly tired of this whole thing, said merely, "Go ahead. Take them. We would be glad to be rid of them."
A man in a white coat, different from the one before, rushed up to them. "There you are, my precious mice, my experiment, my livelihood!" he exclaimed. "But alas! Ruined! It's all ruined!" he wailed. He turned to Shuichi. "You there!"
Shuichi backed into Yuki a little.
"Your pockets...they are swarming with mice. Have you some edible substance within them which attracts the olfactory senses of these creatures?" the man inquired quite demandingly.
"Nn...na..." Shuichi helplessly turned to Yuki for a translation.
"He asked you whether you have any smelly food in your pockets..."
"What? That's kinda rude..."
"...to which the mice might be attracted."
"Oh. Well..." He reached into his pocket, accidentally knocking a screeching rodent to the ground in the process, and pulled out a small wad of...something. What it happened to be was anyone's guess.
"Oh," said Shuichi. "Ha! It's leftover bait from fishing." He set it on the ground and immediately half a dozen rodents swarmed about it.
Yuki made a slight face of repulsion.
"Brilliant!" announced the man in the lab coat. "Have you any idea how difficult it has been for me to convince this experimental group of mice to consume any form of nourishment? They simply would not eat! But here I – excuse me, you, young sir – have found something to their liking! I must have a sample!"
"Give the man that smelly lump of crap," Yuki translated boredly.
"Hai." He picked it up and handed it to the man.
"Brilliant, brilliant..." the man mumbled. "This experiment is ruined, but I shall start anew with another group of mice...yes..."
Shuichi plucked the remaining mice from his clothing and set them carefully on the ground. He and Yuki made for the door, but were stopped again by a woman who had just arrived. "Sorry, sirs, but we must have you checked for any injuries or contaminations caused by your interaction with the lab mice."
They were taken to a small, immaculately clean room which was entirely white but for a few posters presenting intelligence-insulting hygiene tips. "I'll be with you in a moment," spouted the doctor as he brushed past the door and shut it.
"Injuries or contaminations, my ass," Yuki muttered.
"No, mine...remember?" said Shuichi.
Yuki glanced at him and smiled a little. "Oh, yeah. But you know they don't care about your ass. We're here so they can cover their own."
"I thought you said the mice could have diseases."
"I really just want to get out of here."
So they waited. And they waited. And they waited. And Shuichi's stomach made a gurgling noise. And they waited. And Yuki sighed in aggravation. And they waited.
And finally, a young intern poked his head in the door and eloquently asked, "Were you the dudes who were attacked by the lab mice?"
"Yes. Yes, we are," replied Yuki bluntly, defeatedly relinquishing any last remaining shreds of dignity. This situation was almost comical.
"Okay, then." He shut the door spiritedly. "I just need to draw blood samples." Which he did in all of half a minute, or about one-sixtieth of the time his patients had previously spent waiting.
"Now I just need your names and addresses, and you're free to go. We'll contact you within a few days if there are any problems with the results."
"Actually, we don't live here. In this country." said Yuki. "We're vacationing."
"Oh." The man looked up, surprised. "Well then, in that case, if you can stick around and wait for about an hour, we should be able to use our own lab and get your results back to you. If there are any problems, which I doubt there will be, we can work out details later. Would that be a problem?"
Yes. A huge, glaring one, considering I want to get the hell out of this stifling, sterile hell hole as soon as feasibly possible. "No. That would be fine. We'll just go...eat in the cafeteria...or something."
"Where are you from, by the way?"
"Japan."
"Oohh, really?" the young doctor became very enthusiastic. "My girlfriend and I are like soooo into Japanese animation. It must be so cool having that stuff on TV every time you turn it on."
"Yes, well...I guess."
"We went to this con one time," he lifted his eyes in recollection, "where we met this one Japanese guy who had like a ton of stuff on anime that I'd never even heard of before. Man, it was like..."
Eiri completely tuned out at about this point. The young insolent continued to jabber mercilessly.
"I wanna eat!" Shuichi leapt up suddenly, and this time it was he who dragged Yuki from the room.
Yuki, for his part, did not resist, although leaving so abruptly was rather rude. Saved by Shuichi's social ineptitude. Thank god.
"Um...just come back in an hour," the doctor called, "Mr...hey, what is his name?" He peered down the hallway, but it was already too late. "Crap. I wanted him to get me some 'connections' in Japan."-----------------------------
Well, I guess the rodents didn't infiltrate here, thought Eiri as they walked through the entrance of the apparently operational cafeteria.
They purchased some food items that appeared marginally appetizing and sat down in a corner near a dark window.
Neither of them spoke for a minute as they began to eat. This was the moment for which they had been waiting all day long. Food...delicious, savory, satisfying food.
Almost.
"How's your food, Yuki?"
"It tastes vaguely like salted cardboard."
"Hey!" Shuichi exclaimed. "Mine, too!"
Yuki raised an eyebrow. "What? That's supposed to be a bad thing."
"Actually, cardboard's not bad, it's just kind of bland. It really brings out the flavor of the salt, though, which is good if you like salt," Shuichi explained animatedly.
Yuki stopped, fork held between his plate and his mouth. He looked Shuichi in the eyes. "Should I ask you for an explanation, or not?"
"Oh. Yeah, it was a bet back in middle school," said Shuichi. "Although, come to think of it, the cardboard was from a pizza box, so that probably altered the flavor a lot. With the cheese grease and stuff, you know." He paused contemplatively. "I bet plain cardboard with salt would have tasted a lot worse," he laughed.
"And you wonder why I never want dinner guests," Yuki commented.
Suddenly a familiar figure entered the cafeteria. He caught sight of the two and ran up to them, waving an instant Polaroid. "Hey! What are you still doing here?" he called. "I'm really sorry about earlier, just leaving you and all. But Eloise is okay, and – look!" he slapped the photograph on the table. "Meet Ronald, Jr.," he announced proudly.
"Awww!" laughed Shuichi. "Adorable!"
"Yes, very cute," said Yuki. "Congratulations."
"Anyway, yeah, I gotta run this bottled water up to Ele or I'm gonna get it. See ya!" He sped out the door.
Silence followed.
Then Shuichi grasped Yuki's hand across the table and cuddled it to his face. "We should have one."
"Hm? One what?" Yuki muttered distantly. Then realization dawned and a slight look of horrid incredulity passed across his face. He looked at Shuichi. "That is the funniest thing you've said in a long time. See? I'm laughing," he replied humorlessly.
"No, you're not. This is how you laugh." Shuichi demonstrated. It quickly turned into a genuine laugh, one so infectious that even Yuki laughed a little.
They rose to throw away their trash. On the way out of the cafeteria, Shuichi happily swung their conjoined hands. And Yuki allowed him to, which made him even happier.
I just ate cardboard substitute, but I don't care. It's been a good day because I've been with Yuki. I love Yuki!