Author's Note: Hello, people! We bring you another chapter in the heart-stopping drama, You're aMale.

(Phone rings) Hello? Yeah. What's that? Oh... a comedy. Are you sure? Well, at least tell me Ms Rowling would sell it to me? Oh dear, you mean we're writing a comedy AND I don't get Sirius for my very own? Bollocks.

Alright, so I just got off the phone with my lawyers and it seems it's a comedy entitled "You've got Mail." Damn, and I was so hoping Marlena would find out that she's really John's brother. Alright, now I'm all despondent. Enjoy the damn chapter, if you can...

Kate,

I'm leaving England. I have to get out of this gods-forsaken place. I miss you. I miss America. And I hate it here. Damn Dumbledore! Damn Sirius! If he doesn't stop humming… Stupid honor!

Sorry about that, I just needed to vent and I trust you to love me no matter how irrational I'm being. I miss you. Anyway, as you can tell, I'm not happy and today has gotten progressively worse.

Sirius is currently writing a letter using my best quill and has now succeeded in chewing it to the vein. That's how I feel today, as if I've been chewed down to my final nerve.

He kept me awake all night, whimpering when I wouldn't let him into the bed. Normally I would let him sleep with me, but he had just spent an hour rolling around in the garden. When I finally fell asleep, my mother decided to drop in for a visit. Perhaps "drop in" is too polite of a phrase for the moment. My mother decided to descend upon my house like the ten plagues of Egypt.

I awoke to find her and Sirius looking over my sleeping form making comments that I'll not trouble you with. They involved comparisons to horses, hippogriffs, and my father. After I managed to get past them to the shower, she barged in and began to objectively critique my bits and pieces. Needless to say, I was not amused by any of this and asked her politely to go home. A request that she promptly ignored.

Instead, I found her feeding special brownies to Sirius and lecturing him on the virtues of Madam Bovary's Warming Lubricant. This, of course, was the point in the day when she noticed the talisman you gave me with and began grilling me over it's origins. Using his uncanny knack for bad timing, Sirius decided this would be a good opportunity to tell my mother everything about you and me. This included showing her the picture of you from my bedside table and breaking into a stoned rendition of "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen. He then went on to describe all of your physical attributes to my mother, who's decided you would make a wonderful sex kitten and asked if I had mounted you yet.

Please do not get me wrong, Dearest. I am quite proud to have you as a mate and I would eagerly brag about you to anyone in the world but not my mother. That woman is a menace! I've often wondered if she only had me because children were the "in" thing at the time. Don't misunderstand me, I love my mother very much and I'm sure she loves me as well; it's just ever since I was bitten she's treated me more like a cause than her child. I apologize for being so enraged by this, but it's rather difficult to live with her sometimes. And what makes matters worse is that Sirius knows this. In fact, we made a pact in third year that no Marauder would share any information about my sex life with my parents after Filch caught them shagging on the Head Table in the Great Hall.

After escaping the fuchsia colored menace, I was promptly confronted by a small band of Greyback's flunkies. I must admit that the wolves in America are far more civilized and kind than anything found in the Isles. Once I had fought my way through them, I went to Hogwarts where my day continued to decline.

Dumbledore found the seven personal identity locks and the string of twenty-seven curses you placed on the iron box containing my letter and the lawyers who delivered it amusing. I must admit, they are quite intimidating. He believes, however, that stronger security measures should be applied, so all letters between us are to go through Order Headquarters and will be delivered by Paige. This means that I'll only be able to hear from you once a week.

His "brilliant" solution to our problem of not being able to communicate was for you to come to England to help with the cause. When I pointed out my injuries from that morning, he replied, "Oh, not to worry, love will find a way."

When I returned home, I found Sirius and my mother discussing various techniques for clitoral stimulation. So, once more, I asked my mother to leave and then I went upstairs to take a nap. I awoke to the sound of Sirius singing Old MacDonald at the top of his lungs. Walking downstairs, I found my mother had not left, but had instead decided to cook a full chicken dinner. Though it was quite good, I just really wanted her to leave.

Anyway, I need to end this, Sirius is begging for more parchment. I really should just send him home. I miss you, dearest.

Write as soon as you can.

All my love and adoration,

Remus

My darling You,

Remus is threatening to send me back to Grimmauld Place! All because I'm eating cake. Apparently, he doesn't like me eating cake.

I'm talking with Portia about sex. She's giving me some great ideas. You have no idea how many uses there are for children's songs! I like the one about Bo Peep.

Did I ever tell you that Remus told me that Kate has a big arse? He said so in Vegas. He got mad when I told his mum.

I like blueberries. They're good. Not really blue, though. I'm gonna go eat some.

Sirius

PS: Enclosed is a thong for Kate. I found it just now in Remus's wardrobe.

Dear Beloved Mate,

I am sorry your mom is being so trying. Just remember that I love you very much and am your mate, not hers, so please don't stress about it. As far as Sirius goes, have patience. Most chemically altered states only last a few days at most.

Things have been interesting here. Jack disappeared a few days ago and we just finished moving into Paige's Great Aunt's house. It is like a tomb here. Well, it would be if Clayton wasn't living with us, but you probably don't know about that. Clayton sneaked away and stole John's car to meet a girl in California. He only got to the state line before he totaled it. Needless to say, he is currently in hot water with John, Abby, and Maddy. In fact, Maddy hasn't spoken to him in days. So, he's been pouting non-stop.

As far as England goes, I would go anywhere to be with you. Unfortunately, the Ministry rarely grants visas to foreign werewolves. Although, I think the trials of dealing with them might be worth getting out of this house. I haven't left since we arrived. The only things I've done for days are home-schooling Clayton, work on the portal, and clean. The only time I see anyone is when a pack member comes to visit. All John and Abby are doing lately is nagging me to eat something.

Damn it! Clayton just pulled his stitches out again dodging doxies in the parlor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut this short.

All my love,

Kate

PS: Thank Sirius for the eye patch, I gave it to the pixies in the back garden who have turned it into a hammock… of sorts.

Author's note: A big thank you to our betas, Jenonymous and Katarina MacGonagall! We love you both! Mwah!

Bunny of Despair: Love the name! Thank you for the review.

Letisha: Yes, feel sorry for Kate and Paige, I would have sent him off to live in a very nice upholstered room long ago. Apparently, the girls are more patient and understanding than I...

To everyone else: REVIEW! If nothing else, tell me what you thought of my beginning author's note. I worked very hard on it... for about a minute. And then I was done. Really though, we love reviews, FEED THE AUTHORS!