The Ashtray in My
Mind
by Krisleigh
Cronkhite
I don't own Logan, Mitchum, Emily, Lorelai or Rory. I obviously don't own Hartford, New Haven or Connecticut in general. I don't own the fact that Rory is a stupid, unbridled whore. I don't own anything but the story. Don't sue, I'm poor.
Logan blames himself. Maybe he's right.
(break)
Logan blames himself for Rory.
When he met her, she was vibrant and full of life. She was cautious, though. She always looked before she leapt.
Now…
He doesn't remember when she changed, but she stopped looking.
It was a long time coming. Everyone else thinks that she changed when Mitchum crushed her dreams. Logan knows she changed long before that.
He doesn't blame himself for everything, just her breaking point.
The fact of the matter is that if they'd never made the no-strings agreement—or if he'd accepted her breaking it off—she wouldn't have broken when she had. She wouldn't have become his girlfriend, met his family, interned for his father, had her dreams crushed, stolen a boat, gotten arrested, dropped out of Yale, moved in with her grandparents, cut off ties with her mother, gotten community service and joined the D.A.R.
She wouldn't have become what her mother had fought to keep her from being. She wouldn't have become what she'd been taught to hate for twenty-one years.
He thinks she knows, because she cries when she thinks he's sleeping.
She used to smell different, too. It's a subtle change, but he thinks it's because she's stopped using the shampoo her mother bought her. It had a slight citrus scent. The new shampoo smells medicinal and doesn't keep her hair soft.
He first noticed it when she was trying to pull her hair back into a ponytail. It's stiffer, more difficult for her to work with.
He doesn't even try to run his fingers through it.
She dresses different, too. She gave Emily control of her, and that extends to her closet. He hates it because it means admitting that he misses a sundress that looked like an apron made out of a picnic blanket.
He also hates the fact that he doesn't have to drag her to parties, or on planes. She goes voluntarily, smiling all the while.
He hates his father
Logan blames himself.
Maybe he's right.
(break)
Krisleigh Cronkhite wrote this on October 7, 2005 because she wants to figure out why she still watches a show she hates.