Chap 2:
I invite you to answer this: How many shirts does one man need?
Previously in Say High to Horror:
BANG BANG AHHHH PLASTER EVERYWHERE!
John scared?
Brown package.
Angela needs to wash her hair.
FLUFFY SLIPPERS.
And……
"Dear MR John Konstantine…"
"John why is Constantine spelt with a K?"
" I'll explain later let me continue reading this out."
"… On behalf of the Alumni committee of Idaho High, we with only slight regret and inducement cordially invite you to the class reunion of the class of '75'.
Please do not bring your guitar."
"Guitar?" Angela fixed John her 'I'm confused look' a squint followed by two raised eyebrows which just happened to look like her best 'I'm taking no shit look' a squint followed by one raised eyebrow.
"Shush. I want my moment reading this out in a dramatic moment filled with dread while a montage of us packing for the trip play out."
(Montage John approaches his cupboard with caution and the holy shot gun. A shirt falls out of nowhere and lands on him. John struggles in vain but the shirt winds its way tighter and tighter around his face before with an almighty pull he throws it across the room.)
Now Angela Dodson of the L.A.P.D, was not one to take orders or to be 'shushed' from anyone. But she did appreciate a good tense voiceover while images that would take up precious action time passed.
(" That's the last time I buy anything less than 100 cotton!"
BAM
Montage Angela shoots it and walks over to pick up the very ordinary shirt.
"John sometimes I think you may be a bit obsessed with cotton shirts and paranoid.")
" We look forward, in terror, for your RVSP."
Constantine breathed a sigh of relief that went much like this:
(sigh of relief)
"John what's that hand scrawl on the end?"
" PS."
"Angela!"
"Sorry John it's your voiceover."
(Montage John and Angela continue packing.
"Angela how did you pack so fast and get here in time to help me pack?"
"Simple John. In a montage the normal rules of time do not apply. And unlike you I do not require to pack 30 cotton shirts for what should be a short trip.")
" ahem anyway… PS If you can't make it I'll assume you missed the bus (wink wink) all my love Baltimore esquire".
"My god John."
(Montage Angela has just found John's Hawaiian shirt collection)
"No Angela just the President of the Alumni committee and my arch-nemeses"
"Nemesis"
"Yes that too"
" That can't be possible John. Even more arch than Gabriel the nutty ex-angel?"
" Yes even more arch than the ex arch angel."
(Montage John holds up a ripped white shirt while Montage Angela mouths 'No way'.)
"Even more arch than Balthazer who dared to match red socks with a suit"
(Montage John puts in some red socks in his ever increasing luggage. Which Montage Angela promptly takes back out.)
"Yes even more arch than my fashionable but evil punching bag"
"Even more arch than Mammon the son of the devil who tried to bring hell on earth?"
(Montage Angela shakes her head as Montage John holds up a shirt with the words "Exorcists do it better" blazed across it")
"Yes even more arch than the demon that tried to burst his way through my girl"
….….…. ...!
…..……. ...?
" Um Angela you are going to mention Lucifer father of all lies and despair? Angela Angela why are you hugging those Fluffy pink bunny slippers?"
"Oh John you called me 'your girl'"
(Montage Angela finds that Montage Johns owns a pair of Fluffy blue slippers)
"Yeah so I did so whooo oh put that gun down Angela"
(But the slippers happen to be a shoe eating demon. See John's not always paranoid.)
" If I AM your girl why don't you ever kiss me you you you"
"Bastard?"
(Montage Angela kills John's demonically inclined fluffy blue slippers by setting her own fluffy pink bunny slippers on them. Montage John continues to sneak more shirts into his luggage.)
"Emotionally repressed, commitment phobic, tax dodging…"
"It's just never the appropriate moment and hey hey it costs money to look this good."
"John you wear the same suit everyday."
(Montage John has packed nothing but hundreds of shirts and more shirts. And yet somehow he will walk out of his apartment with one little bag)
"And yet you never smell. I mean even with the trips to hell and all that sulphur. And i know all that past smoking must have left a lingering ash aroma."
"Chalk it up to my mysterious powers".
"What, to see behind the veil of reality and to always smell faintly of lavender?"
(Montage Angela attempts to use John's new bathtub but finds that John did not pay the hot water bill.)
"It's a curse Angela a curse."
(Montage Angela spots his lavender 'guaranteed to wash off demon slime' body wash.
"And I thought John having a rubber ducky was weird".)
" John have you noticed that the packing montage is still going?"
(Montage John and Angela stop tugging at yet another shirt John wants to pack and looks around for their disembodied voices.)
"Yeah odd that."
"And why am I going with you to your class reunion?"
(Montage Angela and John put their hands on their hips.
"Yeah why?")
"So we can have zany adventures together?" An innocent look spreads across his face. The eyes grow round and large. Lashes flutter sweetly. Brown irises peer up towards Angela, which is pretty hard for John to do tall as he is.
As John is never innocent this fails to placate Angela.
" I'm a tough cop, you're an exorcist and part time bowling manager. We don't have zany adventures."
(Montage John does add in one non-shirt item. His holy bowling ball.)
" Because I want to make it up to you for all that non-kissing by taking you to a very special event for me."
"One that you have dreaded for years and even changed your name to avoid going too?"
"Figured that one out did you?"
" Will it's so simple and yet brilliant. People can still call you by your name and yet if they tried to find you in the phonebook they would get some other guy a Mr Konstantine instead of Mr Constantine."
(Montage Angela threatens to wack John with phonebook K-Z if he tries to include red socks.
"But they go with my gnome inspired shoes!")
" See you're so smart you have to come along and help me put an end to evil once and for all… barring sequels."
"I'm a cop John. I can detect bullshit. Plus I know how to shoot a man and not kill him. Most days."
(Montage Angela looks slightly apologetic for 'accidentally' shooting John's red socks)
" Ok I want you to go to my class reunion because I can't drive." Angela only heard "I can't drive" as John dived onto his couch to avoid his shadow that for a moment looked like something potentially spooky. Unfortunately the couch disappeared as it did sometimes when Chas wasn't sleeping on it.
"What! is that it?"
"Hey when you needed to go to hell who helped you?" John sarcastically retorted except it came out more like "oh god the pain, I think I broke my jaw ouch my back" because the couch which disappeared decided to reappear.
Angela grumbled a bit. And then her stomach grumbled a bit because Constantine nee Konstantine never had anything to eat.
" Will if you come closer I can thank you."
(Montage John and Angela pump their fists in triumph!)
"Not now Angela the packing montage has gone on long enough. To the Devil buster mobile!"
(Montage duo shake their heads and walk to a big black vehicle)
"You mean my SUV?"
"Well if you let me paint 'Devil busters" on it…. Yes the SUV!".
Will John get to paint Angela's car? What fate awaits our anti-hero and hero? And just how many shirts did John pack? For some answers and a lot more questions be prepared for more Say high to horror!