Well, since I missed being able to totally ruin the holiday of gorging I am going to screw up, for me, the next holiday: Christmas. Wow, I didn't even spell it right till I went in with spell check. That's sad.

Disclaimer: How could I own FFX when I only have $0.75 to my name?

Chapter 9 52/30: The Festival of Mooching!

When I awoke from whatever I was in and looked around. Not much to see but snow up my nose. After I finished judging the snowfall factor (How deep the snow would appear if you got drunk and fell face first in the snow) I stood up. All that was topside was a cabin. The light was on so I assumed there were people inside. As I walked up I could make out the figure of Auron. As I ran up I saw he was smoking. Like there's some other reason he's outside in a snowstorm with no jacket on. He looked at me like I was crazy for being outside.

"What?"

"Should you really be smoking? You're kinda old to be smo-"

He hit me. Such a mean old man he was. "And on Christmas, too" I thought to myself. Then I realized it really was around that time of year back home. I wondered to myself what Shea would be doing if she wasn't stuck here. What would Kristina and Jamie be doing? And was Daniel noticing I was gone when he came to visit? Why was I sitting out in a snowstorm in a bikini?

I realized how burning cold I was and bolted inside. Everyone was just sitting around.

"How long were you going to leave me lying in the snow anyway?"

"We thought that was Rikku" Yuna said all shifty eyed.

After a long time of talking and trying to eat Kimahri's food, Shea and I devised a scheme. It was a scheme. It was a schemey scheme. It was a schemey scheme that schemed schemey. If we couldn't get home to our world for Christmas, we could sue Square for being religiously discriminate against Christmas.

"Pretz, you fucktard" Shea laughed "We can't do that!"

"Fine! Then we'll be cliché and bring the Christmas here! Happy?"

"Yep"

"Stupid counselors. Always doing the right thing"

So we got to work gathering things we needed for a makeshift Christmas. There wasn't very much we could get. We set out to get a tree, but the only ones findable were frozen solid.

"Well now what're we gonna do? That things frozen soli- AHH!" Shea began to ask.

A fireball hit the tree and it fell over. Standing shivering in the snowy wind we could only think one thing: Why had Lu followed us?

"Just great, Shea! Our tree got melted and now we're stuck out here! You shoulda made sure Lulu didn't follow us!"

"Shut up! How was I supposed to know she would follow us!?" She defended.

"Oh, you manage to score a job at Ocoee, but you can't even check on one stupid chick! She's kinda hard to miss! She's got knobs the size of watermelons!"

"It must be really hard knowing your fat head is bigger though!"

"Grr, E bie patookie! (That's not Al Bhed)" I yipped.

"Ah! Leave my mother out of this!"

"Why should I?!"

"At least she can open a medicine bottle!"

"That's it!" I screamed and dove at her.

Rolling around in the snow punching each other must have been the last straw for someone up there. Somewhere between Shea slammed my head into a snow buried rock and when I bit her I felt arms pulling me back. In seconds I could see Wakka had firm hold of Shea's arms, and Tidus refused to let go of mine. Standing next to Wakka was, bizarrely, Olivia. Wearing that black mage outfit she looked at me like she was worried. My vision was spinning from exhaustion and the cold. The last thing I heard was something blurry.

"We've gotta get them back fast"

When I woke up I was back at that cabin. There was a bare tree sitting in the corner and everyone randomly standing throughout the room. Rikku started jumping up and down, and Shea sat up. We both laughed.

"We haven't had a fight like that since we played Budokai"

As it turns out we started killing each other from exhaustion and something about that area makes people go crazy. Like that purple goop from Ghost Busters 2. After we'd eaten something Shea and I started to explain the whole Christmas thing to the Spirans. When it came time to decorate the tree they all put some ornaments on carefully like little kids do. Shea and I however had been doing this forever so we lied down on the floor and Olivia handed us stuff. Then we threw them at the tree and hoped they stayed. Special ornaments? You know the ones that come in boxes that are like, baby's first Christmas and stuff. We left those in the boxes and just threw them into the tree as is. Yuna got a little mad and started fixing the loose ornaments. All the presents under the tree mutilated from projectile orbs, cookies for 'Santa', just one thing left. The doohickey on top of the tree. Generally at my house the smallest person (Besides my mom) would get to put it on. It was becoming me again, but Rikku was a bit smaller than me. I handed her the star thingy. Wouldn't ya know it; she knocked the whole tree over.

Sitting back with cups of cocoa we watched the Spirans run around doing various things. Yuna was chasing Tidus with a mistletoe and, Auron was drunk on eggnog and had a lampshade on his head. Rikku was trying to create a Christmas toilet seat cover with a Reith. Kimahri was jumping up and down trying to hold it in while Rikku hogged the bathroom trying to be Martha Stewart. Wakka had leapt out of the way of Yuna and Tidus's rampage and gotten his faced wedged into Lulu's boobs. They were unsuccessfully trying to unstuck him, although I don't think Wakka was trying his hardest. Later in the evening Kimahri started starring at the tree with this spaced out deranged look on his face. It was far too late by the time I recognized the look. Kimahri suddenly, without any warning, jumped and dove on the tree. Shea, Olivia and I all slapped ourselves. In hitting myself I realized Olivia was there. Yes, I'm slow.

"Holy crap! Olivia's here!" I yipped.

"Pretz, you've had too much to drink. Gimme your keys" Olivia said calmly.

"I can't drive"

"Exactly, gimme"

"No, I mean I don't have my permit. Are you sure it's not just you who's drunk?"

"What are you talking about?" She said staggering a bit "Everyone sees those pink elephants! Right guys?"

After about 10 minutes of chasing her around we finally caught her and stuffed about 15 chaser pills down her throat. Somehow it made her sober, though I never recommend you try that. We figured it was about time to put some presents under the tree. We didn't really HAVE any presents, but we somehow came up with a butt load of presents, each giving something to everyone and KNOWING what they gave them (not like we do at my house). We all laughed and gathered around the fire. Now I didn't know any Christmas carols, so I made one up on the spot.

"Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,

The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler,

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,

I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy,

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,

The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives,

My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,

So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'

I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin

He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws

And I got a complaint from a feller named Clause."

I said, "Clause, I don't know nobody named Clause,

And you ain't takin me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."

I said, "That might've been me, just what's he look like?

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly

That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly

He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."

I said, "That sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said,

"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red

I'm here for the truth now; it's time to come clean,

Tell me what you done, and tell me what you seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell

It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,

I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from works she was white as a ghost

I thought maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head

And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red,

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shutter,

A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.

Well, my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun,

When outta Red's chimney this feller did run

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'

I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'

So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air."

But he went about his business like he hadn't a care

So I popped off a warning shot over his head,

Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled,

And as he flew off I heard him extort,

"That's assault with intent Roy; I'll see you in court."

We all laughed, and then Shea got a genius, or insane idea. It's amazing how often those to traits go along side. Since her, Olivia and I were all from the south, we tried our own version to that annoying 12 Days of Christmas song about that spoiled chick. Then Shea punched me and pointed out it took way to long. So I started from 12!

"12 packs of bud

11 reslen tickets

10 a copinhagin

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of red men

6 packs of spam

5 flanle sherts!

4 big mut tires

3 shot gun shells

2 huntin dogs

And some parts to a Mustang GT!"

The next morning Shea and I got up early and patrolled the tree with shotguns. People stared to trickle down the stairs and we couldn't help but wonder how they found a friggin cabin in the middle of nowhere. After a few hours and 5 warning shots, everyone but Yuna was up and about. I went upstairs to see what the Hell she was doing. As I walked in the room she was still in the bed. I poked her.

"C'mon, Yuna. Wakey Wakey. Rise and dull. You're way past the beauty sleep thing"

She rolled over and swatted at me.

"Five more minutes, Dad" She muttered.

I sweat dropped a bit then punched myself. I when outside, gathered up a big handful of snow, then went back into her room. Silly Yuna had accidentally left a chair wedged up under the door knob. I cleared the doorway for her out of the goodness of my heart. As I walked up to her bed I dropped the snow on her. She bolted upright and screamed. Down in the kitchen everyone stopped for a second, stared at the ceiling where Yuna's room was, then went back to their business. Yuna grabbed hold on my neck and squeezed it very tightly.

"PRETZ! LEAVE ME ALONE! I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP!" She screamed and threw me at the wall.

"Well…..."

Everyone jumped as I bolted down the stairs and dove into the tree. Yuna appeared at the bottom of the stairs floating with lightning bolts coming from her. After we had calmed her down and Shea dug me out of the tree (I was caught between a light bulb and a popcorn chain) we all settled down to open the gifts. Everyone opened their gifts happily. As Lulu and Rikku opened theirs I blinked. Lulu was holding a packet of crack and Rikku had a stuffed cow. I leaned forward and stitched the two, laughing a bit. It had been a good Christmas. I had gotten away from my crazy guy friends. I had gotten to spend time with Shea outside of camp, and I got to hide in a Christmas tree. I did start to miss Kristina and Spiff, though. I actually wanted a hug and they weren't there to annoyingly glomp me. I smacked myself in the head. 'You'll see them again. Don't say things like that'.

REVIEW! Well, I've been writing for one year now! Sweet! I should throw a party. Well, my parents are sadly sending me to Alpharetta High next semester T.T. I've already cried, so no point in saying I'm gonna. And right when I was gonna have friends in my classes too! :cries: Well, on an odder note one of my friends set me on fire. My friend had cement glue, he was being an idiot, put it on his hand and then light it on fire. Cool, wow, and all that shit, but, someone comes to him. "Hey, put it on the back board!" this was in gym and the bleachers were out, so, we could reach the side basketball goals. Well, he put a small dab on it and lit it, then the guy was like, put more.

The idiot put more and caught the whole container on fire, and my leg...e.e;

Well, he kicked the bottle and tried to stomp it out, after like 50 thousand stomps it went out and he ran like a damn hill billy. It was funny. Would anyone like to help me with my dilemma? I actually got this posted when I meant to! OMG! Well,

Merry X-mas

Happy Chanukah

Mali Kalikimaka

Happy Happy

Happy Yevon Day

...Or whatever you celebrate this time of year, have a good one.....Ya know it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to spell Chanukah........