Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even my mental stability.

Ah… Soo hungry. It's 2:44 AM. What am I doing? I'm cursing at my brother for messing up the Budokai 3 disk so that I can't fight Omega Shenron (I really should return that. I'm gonna have a 30 late fine ) And I'm playing the addicting games on Neopets. Yes, I have started playing that again. Deal with it. If any of you are having a mental breakdown and playing Neopets too, I'm Pretz480. And I'm very poor. I didn't USED to be that way though, no. And I did not paint my pet purple. I adopted him like that. He's lucky cause I found him at level 4 ;p. BACK ON TOPIC! Repori, I will put you in when I can fit random people popping in. Brief warning: I was a little messed up when I wrote this so they say the F word slightly more than normal.

Chapter 10: Old Homes Have Crappy Food

-

It seems whenever things are just going well for me, something goes wrong.

When I woke up Tidus was the only one around. I was in a desert with a very large puddle. I slowly stood up and walked over to him. After kicking him a few times he started talking in his sleep.

"Ahhh… 5 more minutes, mommy… can I have pancakes for breakfast?... Daddy's drunk again… Mommy, what is sex?... Where do babies come from?... I don't wanna go to school today… I think my groin is broken, I can't go…"

"This isn't working"

Realizing it wasn't going to work and there was no chance I was going to give him CPR I grabbed his foot and dragged him over to the oasis. Leaving him halfway in the water was the best thing I'd ever done. He started sleep talking again.

"Mommy, I think I wet the beddy by… Daddy poured his beer on me…"

After a while of this Auron and Lulu walked up, and Lu was pissed.

"Pretz, you were supposed to aimlessly wander out into the desert and run into us! I'm wearing long, black leather! Do you know how hot black leather is in a friggin- Hey, is he sleep talking?"

"Yep"

"Sweet!" Lulu smiled as she pulled 3 ears of corn out of her boobs.

She quickly cast fira on then and handed them to us. Cool! Popcorn on the cob! As much as I didn't like the idea of touching anything that had been near her boobs, the fact she was denying physics was just too tempting.

As we watched Tidus be a complete moron, eating our psycho popcorn, various people began to show up. Pretty much everyone had shown up, although I felt like I was forgetting someone. (At this point you've probably pictured Olivia in the woods. Olivia: 'S anybody else cold? Just me?).

Around that time Tidus woke up.

"Chickens and ducks!"

He crawled out of the puddle and stood up, brushing some sand off himself.

"Why's everyone looking at me weird?"

We all snickered and turned to Rikku because we felt like staring at a crack head.

"Umm... There's something I wanna tell you, but promise not to say anything" Rikku started as Shea whined something about her black hair being freakishly hot, "I know where we are but you can't tell anyone about it" She finished glaring at Wakka.

Wakka arched his shoulders and remembered he hated Rikku and myself.

"What! I'll never keep a secret for you Al Bhed! You're…... stinky... COOTIEHEADS!"

I was about to scream back when I felt a tugging on my sleeve. It was Shea, with a nalgene of water and a crazed look on her face.

"Tnehg fydan, Pretz. Oui tuh'd fyhd du kad tarotnydet (Drink water, Pretz, you don't want to get dehydrated)" She babbled quietly.

Counselors were always obsessive about campers getting dehydrated and stuff. I shook her off.

"Shea, I'm not thirsty right now"

"Oui need to drink!" She yelled.

"I'm not thirsty, Shea!"

"Drink your damn water!"

By this point I was hiding behind Kimahri. Rikku sighed, clearly not getting anywhere with Wakka's stubbornness. So for some strange reason we stared following her into the desert. Under the desert sun oui begin to wonder many things. Like how did Lulu defy the laws of physics by making popcorn-on-the-cob from some corn stuck between her boobs. Does being wedged in Lu's boobs give things powers? Does that mean Wakka's, like, super special?

"MAKE ME SPECIAL!" I yelled and lunged at Lulu.

I tried telling Lulu it was desert fever but she wouldn't believe me.

"We've only been out here for 5 minutes. Pretz"

Needless to say everyone thought I was insane after that, except for Wakka who thought I had come to know the 'joy' of it. We continued wandering aimlessly- I mean following Rikku who claimed to know where she was going for what seemed like forever. Even thought Yuna wasn't there to rattle

"Rikku! I think we're lost! We're going in circles!"

"I am not lost!" She snapped.

"Then why are we walking in a circular trench that's 5 feet deep?" Tidus asked.

"Besides, I've got a map"

"No we don't" I added.

"It's up here", she said tapping her temple, " Where it counts"

"We're doomed..." Lulu muttered.

Shea, thinking she was still being paid for acting responsible, cut in.

"I'll tell you what we're not gonna do. We're not going to panic"

"We're dead! We're dead! We might survive, but we're dead!" I cried.

"We're gonna be ok... It's gonna be... Oh, man! We're gonna die!" Shea snapped.

"The car, man! Where's the car!"

"Oh, spit, man!"

"HEY!" Lu screamed, "There never was a car! You fucktards quiet down! You're scaring the cactus!"

We shrugged and carried onward ho! Hehe, ho. After a while Wakka became smart and asked his first intelligent question in a long time.

"Where are we goin' anyway, eh?"

"Eh?" Rikku asked.

"I said YA! You heard nothing!"

"Ooookay... anyways. We're going to Home..." Rikku said with a weird look on her face.

For some strange reason Auron started to flip out like... oh, never mind. Point is he started flippin out.

"Home?... Home?... HOME! NO! I'M NOT GOING TO THE HOME!"

"What?"

"I'm not going to the Home! I ain't old!"

We couldn't get him to calm down, so Kimahri grabbed his arms and I took his legs and we just carried him along with Auron kicking and screaming. About 10 minutes later one of Auron's feet slipped loose and kicked me square in the face. I fell backwards and put my hands over my nose. As I stood back up my lip was bleeding a little bit and my nose was bleeding a lot. I tilted my head forwards and held my nose. As I looked around Wakka and Kimahri were wrestling Auron so he couldn't run away, Lulu was fanning herself, and Rikku was pretending to know where the fuck she was going by counting sand dunes. Tidus was lying on the ground trying to make himself even more tan. 'Wait... That doesn't seem like everyone' I thought. Someone grabbed my headband and yanked my head back. Then, kinda upside down, I saw Shea's psychotic face. Damn, I thought we'd lost her. Just kidding.

"Your nose is bleeding! Tilt your head back!" She yelled.

Ah, counselors. Obsessed with stopping nosebleeds. After about a minute of almost drowning in my own blood cause I couldn't swallow it fast enough as it flooded my throat, I kicked her and tilted my head forward. It had just stopped bleeding when we decided to take a break and play a game. And since we couldn't think of anything better, we decided to play 'Honey If You Love Me'. Shea and I explained the rules the best we could. If you don't know, the person who's it has to make someone else laugh and/or smile while saying 'honey if you love me wont you please, please smile?'. The other person has to say 'honey I love you but I just cant smile' without smiling or laughing. So yeah, you get the idea. Rikku was first cause she was so busy looking at the mucus viscosity of the sand or whatever to say no it. She chuckled crazily and waltzed over to Tidus.

"Honey... If you love me, won't you please, please smile?"

Tidus did nothing.

"Honey, I love you but-"

"Look! Fan girls!" Rikku shrieked.

Tidus turned around with a grin.

"Ladies! I- Wait... ah, shit..."

He was smiling, so he was it. He looked around and waddled up to Shea. He whipped out his foil-sun reflector thing and held it up to make him self even more tan.

"Honey, sugar muffin, if you love m- AHHHH!"

The sun had burned his eyes and they were now black and bubbly.

"Ah! They've booby trapped their sun somehow!"

Shea laughed and stood up.

"Amateurs..."

I was sitting on a piece of scrap metal that kinda made bleachers. Shea started crawling across the ground on her feet and hands, her stomach practically on the ground. She crawled up the bleachers. A note to you people, Shea plays dirty -.- She was practically climbing on me. I burst out laughing. Now, if you don't know how normal people laugh, air is often repelled out of the nose rapidly. It sprayed blood all over Shea's shirt and, a little on her face. She fell back laughing, and I had quite a bit of blood on me too.

While we were waiting for the skin on Tidu's eyeballs to grow back, I decided to take a quick head count. Call it incoming counselor habits. Ok, there was Tidus the blinded fool, Lulu the mutant creating fool, Rikku the lost fool, Shea the bloody fool, Wakka the Lulu loving fool, Kimahri the giant kitty fool, and Auron the... fool. 'Wait' I thought, 'We're one babbling fool short'. Then I realized we were missing Yuna, so it was all good. But I decided to have some fun anyways.

"Hey, Shea"

"Hmm?"

"Code Adam"

"AH! CODE ADAM! MISSING CAMPER!" She ran up to Rikku, shaking her, "WE HAVE A MISSING CAMPER! WHAT IF IT WAS BATMAN? LINE UP! ROLE CALL! OK, PRETZ, LULU, TIDUS... No! To your left Tidus! WAKKA, AURON KIMAHRI, RIKKU! We're missing Yuna! BATMAN ATE YUNA! Or maybe it's a missing camper drill! DAMN YOU, BRANDON UPCHURCH! DAMN YOU I SAY!"

I fell over trying to contain my laughter, and keep my nose from bleeding again. Then Wakka joined the festivities of panic. Rikku calmed them down and convinced then she'd be at Home. But Auron thought otherwise.

"HOME! NO! I'M NOT GOING TO THE HOME! " He screamed as Kimahri slung him over his shoulder, "I AIN'T OLD! I THINK I'LL GO TAKE A WALK NOW! I feel happy! I feel happy!"

This went on for about 10 more minutes until Rikku finally snapped.

"AURON! SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE OLD HOME! WE'RE GOING TO THE AL BHED HOME! NOW SHUT UP BEFORE I SHOVE A CACTUS UP YOUR BUTT!"

"Ohhh... AHH!"

Rikku screamed and fell over backwards. Then Wakka finally noticed what Rikku had said. The moron.

"AL BHED HOME! You never said that!"

"Holy shit! Yes I did! Now shut up!"

"No! You never told me! And I-"

Holding a megaphone next to Wakka's ear I yelled.

"HEY!"

Shea laughed and yelled back again.

"Ho! Camp Ocoee's got soul! Huh!"

I turned around with yet another deranged look. I was bothered by that phrase... a lot. Rikku then proceeded to steal the megaphone.

"Look! Yuna is probably at H-... the place we're going!"

We let Auron free and started again.

"Just don't say anything about the H-O-M-E" Rikku said quietly.

Ok, apparently Auron can't spell.

"Hmm, hom?... Hoom... hum... gum... sum... some... gun... hun... hom... home... home? HOME? HOME! NO! I AIN'T GOIN' TO THE HOME! NOT THE HOME!"

The wind was picking up and this was driving me crazy. I grabbed Auron's jug and smacked him with it. Everyone was thankful, except Auron because he had a concussion. We started walking... AGAIN!

"I eat food" Lulu said.

"What... the fuck..." Shea muttered.

"I haven't said anything in a while"

"God, you are such a f-"

"Ah!" Rikku screamed.

We had finally made it to the Home. Except it was on fire and everything was all over the place. Sounds like my room. Rikku ran down in a panic, and I knocked over Kimahri and used him as a sand board. Bombs were flying. People were dying. Children were crying (Well, not really since there were no children), politicians were lying too. Explody thing were killing, someone's gut were probably spilling. Home had gone to hell but...

"How are you?" I asked a random dead guy.

As Rikku ran around freaking out I was having a little party of my own. After having to listen to that annoying announcement over and over, I was scaling the wall with a chainsaw in one arm. It's very hard to climbs bricks with little grooves when you are carrying a chainsaw. As the thing continued 'It's annoying, huh? It's annoying, huh? It's annoying, huh? It's annoying, huh?' I reached the speaker. I started to chainsaw and clanged at it. It wouldn't die! I tried swinging from it, jumping on it, and unscrewing it! Ah!

"Yes it's annoying! Shut up!"

"Welcome to Kuut burger, home of the kuut burger. Can I take your order?"

'Holy shit' I thought while sitting on it. But the fact I had not eaten in 4 days could not be helped.

"Yeah, um, I'll have a double cheeseburger and large fries. Oh, and an apple pie"

"Doesn't that seem like a bit much?"

"What?"

"Well, don't you know how much fat is in that? Wouldn't you rather have an Atkins approved item?"

"Ya know, I'm sick and tired of people sticking that Atkins crap in my fat filled menu!"

"Are you aware of the health ramifications of what you are ordering?"

"How bout I tell you about the health ramifications of me stabbing you in the throat!"

"But by eating that burger you-"

"I'm gonna come back there and put my foot up your ass if you say that again!"

Silence.

"But ya know if you eat this burger you're seven times as likely to-"

"Ah! Gah! You (incoherent babble) Ah fucker! AHH! DIE!" I screamed while knowing at it.

"Pretz! Get your ass down here! We're leaving!" Shea yelled.

"Fug off!"

"God I hate you... Gravira! What? Why didn't it work?"

"Ha! Your retard! Everyone knows it's Demi, not Gravira!"

"Ahhh!"

As the gravity pushed me down it broke off the megaphone. Landing on Shea I stood up and laughed.

Dashing into the burning crumbling building sounds like something only I would do, I know. Running down the corridor I would randomly open doors expecting to find something cool.

"Rikku, where are we going?"

"The summoner's bay"

"Um... I knew Yuna was fat, but I didn't know she needed a harbor"

"Not literally, you idiot"

As we were running along we passed as crazy bald guy hauling up what seemed like 150 pounds of explosives toward the surface. I screeched to a halt.

"Ahh... there is a god..."

"Let's go, Pretz!"

Now, it is very hard for me to notice anything at all. I finally looked forward only to meet a very large steel door.

"Alright. We're here. The summoner's bay" Rikku announced.

"Wow, I knew Yuna was fat, but I didn't think she needed a harbor"

"Shut up, Pretz"

"Well fine! I see when I'm not wanted! I'm just not going to talk to any of you from now on!"

They all shrugged and opened the door. Within the summoners cove or what ever were... MONKEYS! No, I'm just kidding. There were summoners, although as far as I'm concerned they might as well be monkeys. Monkeys with machetes.

"So YOU kidnapped them!" Wakka squealed. I get why you did it, but..." "Well, I sure don't get it, Wakka. They might get hurt on their pilgrimage so you kidnap them" Tidus babbled on, "I mean, if the summoners don't do their job, then who will beat Sin? You want to protect them, I know. But guardians are there for that. If guardians do their job well, summoners will be safe! Right"

Silence.

"Right"

"It's quiet. Kimahri goes now" Kimahri made his fist full sentence.

Kimahri walked down the steps to the Summoners' Sanctum. The others followed in slow motion; not a single word is uttered. Only Me, Tidus and Rikku stayed behind. Cool! A new pack of morons or whatever. We stared at each other for the longest time. Rikku blinked slowly and Tidus leapt into the air and pointed at her.

"Ha! You blinked!"

"God, you are so retarded" I yelled and walked after the others.

The inside was big and on fire and there were quite a few dead bodies.

"Yuna" Kimahri yelled looking around.

All was silent for a moment, but hey, remember slutty chick? "She's not here. Hello again. Wait there until we have performed the sending"

"Sending! No! I hate that dance!... Wait... Is Yuna dead? Because by all means- Ow!"

"They died...protecting us" Isaaru started, whoever he is, "It's not much, but the least we can do is give them a proper sending"

"Ah, so it's just the freakin gardians. Damn- Ow!"

"Pretz, sometimes I wonder..." Lulu sighed.

This little kid who's name I think was Pacce ran up. "Hey, what's 'sacrificed'? The Al Bhed said summoners were being sacrificed. That summoners shouldn't have to do a pilgrimage..."

"Well, little Timmy" I started.

"My name's Pacce"

"Of course it is, Timmy. Well, a sacrifice is when someone is killed for what seems like a good reason but it really isn't and they just die a painful, pointless death for no reason, Timmy. Wait... Did you say summoners were being sacrificed? PACK YOUR BAGS EVERYONE! WERE FINDING YUNIE AND GOING TO ZANARKAND!"

"Shut up, Pretz. Why couldn't they trust guardians to protect summoners...? The Al Bhed had no right stopping their pilgrimage" Tidus asked.

"The pilgrimages have to stop! If they don't, and they get to Zanaraknd... They might defeat Sin. Yunie could...but then she..." Rikku said, almost in tears"Yunie will die, you know"

Aaaaand cue the sad music. And my monologue screw up.

"You know, don't you? Summoners journey to get the Final Aeon"

"Yeah, It's all I hear from you people"

"Yuna told you, didn't she"

"She's evil? I know"

"With the Final Aeon, she can beat Sin...but then..."

"What? Sheep?"

"If she calls it, then the Final Aeon's gonna kill her"

"Well, that's a bit counterproductive, isn't it?"

"Even if she defeats Sin, it will kill Yunie too, you know"

"Wait... Wha- No!"

-

Well, I meant to get this out a loooong time ago. I know have someone here to help me host these author's notes. Please welcome Yuna.

Yuna: These aren't notes, they're excuses.

Shut up. Here's why I couldn't: I got to stay at Chattahoochee High (Wither that's good or bad I don't know) but in the words of Chandler "Victory comes at a price". I had to pretty much sell my soul. I can only get on the computer now on the weekends and that's only if I don't miss anything.

Yuna: Ha!

Well, on a funnier note I just came back from the dentist and they had to stick me 4 times with Novocain because I'm immune to it or something so I can't feel the entire left side of my face and am drooling.

Yuna: Ok, stop that.

Why the Hell should I?

Yuna: Or I'll tell everyone that-

Shhh, they don't find that out till Zanarkand. I recently realized my spell check misspells things -.- Go figure. And if I get bored enough I will be editing the beginning chapters to make them suck less. Well, I've been asked by the people at my church to spike my hair pink for Sunday. So, that's cool. I had a mental breakdown yesterday and cannot remember what I did through 5th and 6th period. Although Spiff helped me regain sanity this morning. Hugs to her. And my mother wants to send me to a psychiatrist or something cause she thinks there's something wrong with me. Well, happy belated Chinese New Year (Which I actually got to celebrate for once). And the late fee was only 23.13.