Growing Up
Part 12: Courage
By Dany
Summary: Grissom finally tells Sara about the things that are influencing his decisions.
A/N: Sorry, that I can't provide the new parts faster, but I have very little time to sit down and type everything up. There are other things that are taking priority right now. I hope you still stick to this story. The next part will be up in two weeks at the latest.
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Grissom saw Sara swallowing hard at his request for them to talk. He understood her hesitation, but he needed to get this out.
"When someone says that, it's never a good thing. And you saying it makes me want to bolt."
She really looked like it, and Grissom tightened his hand automatically around hers. He could not deny her statement because it was definitely not a good thing, but it was important.
"Sara…" Suddenly he had trouble swallowing, trying to force the words out. "I…I have to tell you something."
A nervous giggle escaped Sara at that moment. "I think we've established that."
It was her attempt to loosen up the situation, even if she felt like someone had kicked her in the gut. Fear was taking over, making her more than just miserable. It was the feeling that her whole existence would be tipped over and torn to pieces. She needed him.
"…about me."
Her stomach was being tied in knots, nausea coursing through her.
"I'm really starting to think about a future…for us." Grissom paused, letting the sentence stand in the room for a while before continuing. "And that scares me."
Sara jumped a bit, moving away from him, getting ready to run, but he held on. She didn't think that this was something she needed to hear.
"It scares me because there are so many things, important things, that you don't know about me."
He was talking in circles, trying to say it without saying it, but he couldn't help himself. This was so hard.
"Grissom," Sara tried to say something, but she didn't get past his name before he interrupted her.
"No, Sara, just listen. Please."
At her curt nod, he took a deep breath to gather some strength. This was so hard.
"Thinking about a future has made me think about what I could contribute. Sara, I'm terribly anti-social, but you already know that. I'm a weird entomologist with some very strange habits, but I don't need to remind you of that either."
His thumb flittered over her hand, moving down to the pulse point, resting there. It was somewhat reassuring.
"If it were only that, I would not worry so much. I know you want to object, but in my eyes, it's true. You deserve so much more."
When she wanted to make his prediction come true, he silenced her with his index finger on her lips, "Ahah…"
She sighed, but slid closer to him again, needing the comfort of his presence.
"I want to tell you about me, about my childhood and the reasons for my previous behavior."
"Wait!" Sara jumped in, not being able to hold her thoughts in anymore.
Grissom was losing his natural color and she couldn't help but be worried. "Can I just tell you something?"
She waited for his response, and when she got an affirmative nod, she plunged ahead. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable with. I know you think I need to hear it, but please, don't feel pressured on my account."
She was making the self-sacrifice again when he was supposed to be the one to contribute something to this relationship.
At that moment, he couldn't help himself. He just had to feel her and show her how grateful he was for her understanding. He leaned in and kissed her, moving his lips against hers, deepening the contact as soon as she responded in kind. Before things could escalate, he remembered his plan and pulled away again. "Sorry."
He fingered a strand of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. "First this and then…then we'll see."
Although she wanted nothing more than his reassurance every way she could get it, it was clear that this was too important to him to push it aside. Whatever it took, she would listen. The knots in her stomach had loosened a bit.
It was apparent that Grissom wanted to be with her and would go to great lengths to accomplish that. He was willing to expose himself. Now she only had to hope that she would not disappoint the trust he had placed in her and that her reaction would be the one he needed.
"I was always different, but what really made me retreat even more was when my mother went deaf and my father left us. Saying it now, it does not seem so bad, but…"
"It's hard enough for an adult to deal with such a burden. A child can break on that." She ended his thought.
It might have sounded unimportant or trivial when it was anything but.
"My father left with a big bang. He ranted and raved as my mother threw stuff in his bag. He had just walked in that evening and announced that he was leaving, and then she couldn't wait to get him out. He said that he couldn't deal anymore and that he had more important things to do. The worst thing, though, was that all the way he kept yelling words I never wanted to hear, but my mother could not hear. I heard them, all of it."
She did not really want to hear what had been said, but it seemed that Grissom needed it. He probably had never told anyone, including his mother. If he could tell her this, maybe…
"Basically he told my mother that she did not live up to his expectations anymore and that a child would only prevent him from having the lifestyle he wanted."
Sara didn't want to imagine what words his father had really used. No matter how many 'nice' words Grissom used, they could not hide the fact that this had inflicted deep wounds in the child's soul.
"My mother never wanted to talk about it, probably because she didn't know what he had said."
With every new revelation, more pieces fell into place. He had just revealed a possible reason why he always kept things quiet and why he was so hesitant to talk about himself.
"My mother lost her hearing because of a hereditary defect."
Grissom paused, giving the words a chance to sink in.
"It's called otosclerosis. It's an abnormal growth of the bones of the middle ear that will eventually lead to hearing loss. There is a twenty-five percent chance of passing it on."
There was only silence after his last declaration.
Sara was still processing everything, trying to sort through all of the information given. The words that stood out were 'hereditary' and 'twenty-five percent chance.'
She looked at Grissom, reading the rest in his eyes and suddenly it made sense: his strange behavior a while ago and the resulting changes he had been trying to make. Even their relationship was put into a new perspective. Had he distanced himself because…
'Hereditary?'
Future…
And then she thought of something else. He said he had been thinking about a future. Her eyes shifted to the little girl still playing on her blanket. 'Twenty-five percent.'
It dawned on her what this all really meant. She nodded slightly, not meaning anything with it. She was still trying to decide what to say. What did one say in such a situation?
Grissom seemed to sense her jumbling thoughts. "Sara?"
His voice was full of concern as he tentatively reached out for her, touching her back softly. She knew she had to say something or he would panic.
That he was not retreating, even touching her, was a good sign and she didn't want to jeopardize anything.
"I'm still calculating. When you took that vacation..."
He sighed and nodded haltingly. "Today, there is a surgery that can stall the progression."
She wanted to ask him why he didn't tell her, but she already knew the answer. It would have been too much, and their relationship had deteriorated too far. It was depressing but true.
"I'm glad that you're okay for now."
There was no use denying that, if she had understood him correctly, the problem could occur again.
"Bugz!"
Amelia's yell drew their attention back to her. So far, she had been exceptionally quiet, but now she was holding herself up with the help of the couch table, admiring the bugs above them.
She did not demand their immediate attendance, but it reminded Sara that there was something else she needed to ask. "Grissom?"
She had to stay hypothetical. Everything else felt too direct. "Knowing about your medical predisposition, the twenty-five percent would be too great a risk, wouldn't it?"
She didn't want to bring herself into the equation. Grissom had his gaze directed at Amelia, who was still staring at his collection.
"I used to think so."
Her heart refused to give up. He had only talked in the past.
"Twenty-five percent is a lot if you think about it. And I lived with it. But it's not only about me. There is a child involved and parents are supposed to act responsibly. And no child without two responsible partners. I might know what to expect, but everyone has to be prepared to handle the consequences."
Damn, sometimes he was really infuriating. Now she had to decipher his speech. It was too vague to respond to it immediately. Over the last few days, she had almost forgotten how frustrating he could be.
Did that mean if the circumstances were right he would take the risk? Did he want a child?
What was even more interesting for her was the question whether she would be involved in his future.
After last night, she didn't have the strength to engage in a guessing game, so the only other option was to push her luck. Grissom was feeling like sharing today and it was questionable when such a chance would present itself again.
She mentally counted to ten and took a deep breath. "Grissom, I know I'm supposed to read between the lines but I can't; not today. So please, I'm begging you, what do you want for your future? Do you want a family despite your history?"
He swallowed. The answer was so easy and yet so difficult. However, he had promised himself to be honest. "Maybe."
Her face told him that she did not like that answer. She needed more.
"I think that the decision to have a family takes a lot of planning. Right now is not the time for that. I think I need some answers first. Because for me to find a partner, she has to be prepared to live with a hearing impaired man and possibly a child with the same problem."
That he did not want a decision now was a relief because although she wanted nothing more than to be with him, there was so much else that needed to be addressed.
"Do I want children?"
She dreaded and anticipated the answer at the same time. What she had never realized was that this whole issue was important to her. The last few weeks had changed her position on a lot of things.
"If I still had the chance with the right woman who is also willing to deal with me and prepared to take the risk…then yes."
A weight was lifted off of her as Sara let his words sink in. Had they really just covered this huge amount of ground?
Halfway, because he had not yet asked what she wanted. Until then she would believe that she was this woman.
She smiled, truly happy with this development, making him smile in return.
TBC