(Dear God, you all are probably pissed at me for taking so long; I understand, but I have good reasons:
I was/am in a play.
I'm a terrible procrastinator.
I'm going to replace Christian Bale with Johnny Depp because he makes a sexy Willy Wonka/Stop-motion character.
That is all…. (Sighs)Ok, where was I? Oh, yes! Spamalot! On with the show! (Keeps hand at the level of her eyes in case a reader decides to Punjab her)
Chapter Twelve: The Logic of the Coconut
Erik: (fiddling with Punjab and noticing Authoress slinking in) Damn, that took long! You suck at updating don't you? (Noticing Elphaba lying on the floor with Christine and Meg)
Raoul: Guys, wake-
Erik: (Clasping his hand over Raoul's mouth) Wait, wait…. (Takes out a camera and takes a picture of the girls) Okay, I'm done… (To Raoul) Go on!
Raoul: Umm…Guys wake up!
Christine: (Yawning) Well, it's about damn time! What took you so long?
Meg: Yeah. We've gone to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Corpse Bride about 20 times each! (Aside) Both were good, I recommend them.
Elphaba: (Stretching) Yeah, that Johnny Depp is hot.
Erik: (Clears throat)
Elphaba: Not as sexy as you, darling…
Erik: (smiles broadly)
Authoress: (does a Hoedown offstage) Pieces…Pieces…Pieces of me…
Raoul: wait! We need you to pass the story along! With out you we'll be lost forever! (Erik and Elphaba roll their eyes) Think of your baby! (All gasp as Raoul shoots his hand up to his mouth) I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything…
Authoress: (Runs back onstage and slides up to Elphaba and Erik) Wha?
Erik: Well, you've been gone for a pretty long time and-
Raoul: Lalalalala-I can't hear you-laalalalalalalallalalallalalla-I'm not listening!
Authoress: I get the picture. (A la 'Astronaut's Wife') They're gonna be pilots. Just like their father….
(Awkward pause)
Ok! On with the story! So, you've fallen into the musical Spamalot! …..Speed…Marker…and…Action! (All stand silently) Do something! No, Raoul, don't pick your nose sweetheart…Would the lovely couple move a little to the left…No, my left; you're blocking Meg and Christine. No! Meg! Christine! Why are you hiding? Get Meg her puffer, somebody! (Puts head in hands, hopelessly until she hears a noise) Doth my ear deceive me? Do I hear the clopping of hooves?
(All turn to find a bunch of men riding imaginary horses with little men behind them carrying big bags of supplies and knocking coconuts together)
Erik: What the Hell! (Elphaba hits him) Sorry, dear…bad for the baby, I know…
Johhny Depp: Is that woman green? Why is that guy wearing a mask? (Goes in a corner and sits in the fetal position, rocking back and forth) I'm so confused…
Meg: (squinting) Is that Willy Wonka? (Gasps) It is! Do the 'you're really weird' line!
Johnny Depp: You're really weird.
Christine: No Wonka voice, but extremely convincing!
Johnny Depp: That's because I meant it literally.
(One of the men with a crown on an imaginary horse halts and addresses our heroes)
Man with a crown on an imaginary horse: Halt! Who goes there? Is that woman green? Why is that man wearing a mask?
(One of the other men dismounts off of his imaginary horse to try and join Johnny in the corner)
Man with a crown on an imaginary horse: Sir Robin! Get back here!
Sir Robin: Sorry, King Arthur (A/N Nobody would actually say that, but I'm getting tired of writing Man with crown on an imaginary horse…)
Raoul: King Arthur, as in…King Arthur?
Authoress: Yes. Only he's funnier.
Raoul: All hail Funny King Arthur!
(Suddenly, a scantily clad woman with her scantily clad posse enter the scene)
Scantily Clad Woman: who are these people, Arthur? (Squinting) Is that woman green? Why is that man wearing a mask?
(Elphaba and Erik frown and join Johhny in the corner)
King Arthur: I do not know, Lady of the Lake. Perhaps we should-
Sir Lancelot: Kill them! Ahhhhh! (He runs after them with his sword)
Authoress: (Quickly) Our time here is done! Let us make haste!
(Yet again, our heroes are sucked into a time warp and dropped off in a foggy London town that looks like any other foggy London town…Alright, that's giving you no hints; it's Jekyll and Hyde.)
Raoul: Hey…hey, guys! Guess what I managed to get! (He clicks two coconut halves together, creating that same horse gallop sound) Hahahahahaha! I am fascinated!
Meg: (Grabbing Authoress) Kill me, just kill me now!
To be continued….hopefully….