Buried
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the things I create unfortunately FFVII or anything like that was not of my making...just yet
A/C: This was kicking around in my mind after I saw Advent Children, in the game after Tseng's encounter with Sephiroth it's never mention whether he survives or not until Advent Children, so why did he just...disappear...
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From a distance all three Turks had their hands over their chests and their heads lowered in mourning of their deceased colleague. Close up, they couldn't keep their balance, none of them were even paying attention, and the whole place smelled of peach schnapps. From a distance it even looked like they were crying, close up they were heaving with tears of bit back laughter.
"To Zeng!" Reno slurred.
"To Singh!" Elena mimicked...somewhat.
"To song!" Rude belted out.
To the horror of the rest of the mourners the Turks took this as a bit of a cue and did what everybody dreads in the deepest darkest regions of the soul, the simple mispronunciation started a Turks sing along...
"First I was afraid, I was petrified!" Reno began.
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side!" Elena carried on.
"But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong!" The baritone voice of Rude rang out.
"I grew strong, I learned how to carry on!" They sang in unison...well close enough to unison for three assassins on the verge of liver failure.
It had been Reno to originally liberate the liquor, picking the heavily locked closet in their former boss's office had been an easy task for the man who could smell alcohol from three miles away, pulling the case of schnapps out of the closet he motioned with his shoe to the other three boxes left behind. "It really was his favorite." Reno had proclaimed.
And that was how the three mourning Turks previous night began...
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They sat on couches surrounding the wooden coffee table in the back of the exclusive Turks lounge. "To Tseng!" Reno toasted.
"To Tseng!" His two companions echoed.
Both stared at Reno as they watched him down half the bottle just for the toast. "It still feels really odd, like he isn't gone."
Elena stifled a whimper as they reflected.
"Oh see what you've done now Rude, why do you have to go and make her feel bad like that."
"..."
"Yeah well just fix it, tell her you're sorry for making her feel bad."
"..."
Reno sighed, picking up Elena's bottle he handed it to her. "Here this'll help."
Elena gratefully took it and murmured. "Thanks."
Reno smiled. "Anytime." He then shot a glare back at his stoic friend and stuck his tongue out.
Rude rolled his eyes, or at least we assume he did...nobody's even sure the big bald assassin even has eyes.
Reno took a step back and held up his bottle. "Come on Tseng wouldn't want us to just sit here moping around, we need to look at this wake style."
Rude looked up at him. "What are you thinking?"
Reno's grin spread from one side of his face to the other. "Night on the town obviously, wreaking my own unique brand of havoc in his honor."
Elena sat forward on her couch and took a swig from her bottle. "Sounds fun but why does it have to be your brand of havoc?"
"Because mine is the best, remember the time I got away with a Chocobo fighting tournament in the Presidents office, hell I made thirty thousand gil from the betting parlor I had set up." Reno countered, smiling faintly at the memory of Rufus walking in to find illegal betting, on an illegal sport, held in HIS office, by one of HIS employees, and unfortunately for him one of the less expendable people.
To anybody but the two Turks present Rude's expression wouldn't have changed at all, but for those two that knew him it was practically a full fledged smile. "Sounds fun."
In moments they were off and soon enough at a nearby bar, their usual haunt. Because of the familiarity no one questioned the Turks when they walked in carrying four crates of peach schnapps, not like anybody would question them.
And as anybody could have guessed the Turks were thrown out twenty minutes after their arrival, when Reno decided that the bar should donate all their schnapps to the Tseng memorial fund.
"Well that wasn't very nice." Reno muttered, staring at the single bottle of peppermint schnapps he had managed to liberate. He also didn't notice the twin glares aimed at his back as his two companions carried the crates, Elena carrying the one open crate and Rude carefully balancing the other three.
Reno turned around and smiled. "Don't worry that won't stop us, we'll find another place, there are hundreds of bars in Midgar."
In the end after two hours of searching they wound up in an a movie theater.
A nervous usher cut them off. "Uhhhh I need to see your tickets please."
Reno wordlessly handed them over to him. The usher stared at the tickets for a second, his gaze moved from the tickets, to the crates, to the bottle of schnapps bursting out of Reno's pocket, then back to the tickets. "May...may I ask what's in the crates sir?"
"Official Turk business, don't interfere and you won't have to spend an hour in a mysteriously empty room with my violent friend here." He said motioning to Rude.
"..." Rude said.
The usher nodded and ran into the backroom, to hide behind boxes of popcorn.
Reno raised an eyebrow. "Wonder what was with him, I only meant spending an hour with a guy who doesn't talk can kinda get annoying, isn't that right Rude?"
"..."
"Jesus Rude do you ever shut up?" Reno questioned.
Elena just stared at them both as they entered the theater. "What the hell did their parents do to them?"
The three settled into their chairs and looked up at the screen. "What are we seeing anyway?" Elena asked.
Reno shrugged. "Whatever the guy I swiped the tickets from was seeing."
Elena stared at him.
Reno looked at her quizzically. "What?"
Elena sighed and leaned back into her chair, trying to hide her bottle as she took swigs from it.
Rude looked over at her and then tapped Reno's shoulder.
Reno looked over and smiled. "There's no one in here you don't have to hide it."
A nearby usher cleared his throat. "I'm sorry sir you'll have to leave, we have a strict no outside food or drink policy."
Reno rolled his eyes. "Get the hell out of here before I sick Elena on you, trust me when she's done you wont be legally considered a man anymore."
The ushers eyes widened and he made a frantic dash for the door. Elena watched him go and then leaned past Rude to punch Reno in the shoulder.
"Oww, I only meant you would be nagging him."
This elicited another punch.
"Owww quit it."
"Would you two stop I'm trying to watch the movie." Rude said as he took another drink from his bottle.
The two quieted down and payed attention, it turned out it was some sort of chick flick, Reno easily got bored and started chewing the gum he'd bought from the counter and then placing it under his chair, going back for more gum every couple of minutes. Elena and Rude on the other hand were completely engrossed in it.
"He doesn't love you just let him go!" Rude shouted at the screen with Elena nodding in agreement.
They were about two thirds of the way through and the bottles were starting to pile up around them, having gotten about halfway through the first crate, not to mention the huge wad of pink now taking up all the space between Reno's seat and the floor.
Reno giggled. "I never knew you liked this mushy stuff Rude."
"Shaddap Reno, I just...she's so devoted to him and he doesn't even realize it." Rude finished mumbling.
Reno picked up one of the empty bottles and threw it at the screen, missing horribly hitting an usher in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. "Ummm...oops."
This being the last straw a small army consisting of all the ushers, minus the unconscious one, plus the manger approached. "I'm sorry but if you don't leave we will be forced to call in the police."
"Come on, I'm kinda sure he's not dead." Reno argued.
"Awww but we're having fun." Elena pleaded.
"Please!" Rude flat out begged.
Reno burst into a fit of laughter. "Are you crying?"
"No." Rude defended, silently thanking god for his sunglasses being on even in the theater.
"Yes you are." Reno teased.
"Guys..." Elena looked at them.
"What is it 'Lena?" Reno asked.
"You were both to busy to notice that we left." Elena pointed out, looking back at the theater which was down the street from them.
Reno stared at it. "I don't know how we get so far in such a short time..."
"We should find a-" Elena started, but Reno quickly cut her off.
"Ooooh mini golf!" Rude and Elena stared as Reno ran off towards mini golf like a child.
Rude hanged his head in shame. "And he's one of the most dangerous people on the planet..."
They played mini golf for a time, finishing off the remainder of the first crate, being thrown out when several people complained of getting shards of glass on their feet, it turned out Reno was a very sore loser when it came to mini golf and shattered a bottle anytime he didn't do well.
"This's the third place we've been thrown out of tonight, maybe..maybe we shoul' go home." Elena slurred.
"Nah." Reno waved his hand dismissively, almost hitting Rude in the face. "Look there's a karaoke bar!" Reno shouted in Elena's ear, pointing to a bar right in front of them.
"I see it!" Elena shouted back.
Reno covered his ears. "There's no need to yell."
They quickly headed in and spent most of the night in there, demolishing another case.
"All we are is dust in the wind!" Rude sang, as he danced on stage...well staggered around like a maniac is more like it.
The bartender could take it no longer and walked over to Elena and Reno who were clapping at Rude's...wailing. "We're closing."
"Oh come on, it's only two in the morning." Reno complained.
The bartender sighed. "You're not wearing a watch and it's." The bartender paused and looked down at his own watch. "Well you're right it is two."
"Fine we'll leave." Elena grumbled as she stood up. "Come on Rude we're leaving!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.
Rude winced and took a step, going head first to the floor below the stage. He lifted his head from the remains of the table that had broken his fall. "'K"
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"Run!" Reno shouted as they bolted from the scene of the crime, sirens going off in the distance.
They had decided that they wanted to have some fun and quickly found a statue of Rufus that would serve their purposes. It had two empty bottles on its head as horns, a mustache made of human hair they had shaved off of a homeless man Reno had given the bottle of peppermint schnapps to, it was spray painted a bright, almost glowing, neon green, had three teeth blacked out, and one leg was replaced with a large piece of lumber.
They all leaned back against the wall of the alley they had run into, all three shaking with laughter. "Yes fourth year!" Reno exclaimed.
"Fourth what?" Elena asked.
Reno slumped down laughing. "Fourth year in a row I've done that to that statue." He held up a photo of tonight's work. "And then I send a photo to Rufus, last year he was so angry he had some poor janitor sent off to work in the Coral offices."
Elena shuddered, the Coral offices were nothing more than a series of caves with some lights dangling from the ceilings.
"So what do we do now?" Rude asked
"Well we've defaced public property...three times." Earlier that night they had accidentally lit a bank on fire, and Reno had used another buildings wall as a bathroom when I he felt that it was such a beautiful night that going inside even for a moment would have been a waste.
"We heckled a puppet show, a comedian, a group of mimes, and some guy walking home." Rude continued.
"We helped Rude shave his head, and we let a beaver loose into that lumber store after we got what we needed." Elena said.
"And we made over fifty prank calls to Heidegger." Reno finished off.
"I, I think..we may, need t'sleep." Rude mumbled.
"Good idea Ru'." Reno nodded.
"What's a Ru?" Elena asked.
They both looked at her for a second and then said in unison. "What the bloody hell are you talking about?"
Elena looked at her feet for a second. "I don't know...let's just go find an inn or something."
"..." Rude agreed.
"How the hell do you do that anyway, I didn't know it was possible to talk in ellipsis, hell I'm still not sure it's even humanly possible." Reno asked, very confused by his friends ability.
"..."
"There you go again!" Reno said exasperated. "You're not allowed to talk to me until you...talk?"
They quickly found a cheap motel down the street, and since none of them had actually brought money they simply threatened their way into a single room, the owner not even sure if he should take the Turks seriously since none of them could stand up straight, playing it safe he gave them one.
Three hours later Elena woke with a scream.
"What?" Reno shot right up and looked at Elena beside him.
When she saw he was fully clothed she sighed. "Never mind I just thought we had sex."
"Y'say that like it's a bad thing." Reno said sourly.
"Will you two shut up it's almost eleven I need sleep." Rude called out from his sleeping place in the bathtub.
"You know there's a second bed." Reno said.
Elena shuddered. "You mean I didn't have to sleep in the same bed as you?"
"Will you stop saying that like it's a bad thing, besides it's not like I even felt you up...much." He grinned and put one hand to the giant red mark on his face. "It was still worth it."
Elena jumped out of the bed and started to smooth her clothes. "Tsengs funeral starts in an hour, get your assess ready!" She yelled at them.
"Wassa matter, it's not like he'll notice that we're missing." Reno complained, he was answered with a bible to the face.
"Fine." He gave up, and picked up the last bottle from the third crate. "At least give me a second to drink my breakfast."
They made their way downstairs quickly and argued over the car. "You're drunk you shouldn't drive!" Elena yelled at Reno.
"..." Rude agreed.
"I'll be fine!" Reno said as he got into the car and started to hotwire it. "See I'm sober enough to hotwire it, AHHH!" He yelled as he shocked himself. "That had nothing to do with having had more to drink in a single night than most drunks do in two weeks."
The other two Turks gave up, figuring they couldn't talk him out of it...and they were both drunk anyway...and Reno had a lot more experience then them at driving drunk off his ass.
They made it to the funeral quickly, knocking over five gravestones in the process, stumbling over others, and soon found what they were looking for.
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"Ooooh my head." Reno moaned.
"Does anybody remember the last two days?" Elena asked.
Rude raised his hand. "I think I remember the funeral, but that might have been a t.v. show from thirty years ago that I was watching last Friday."
Reno nodded. "I think I remember it, I know I fell onto the casket and started begging for my little Tsengy to come back, I also remember this pounding headache that only happened when I was really close to the casket and-" Reno stopped and shot up, his eyes very, very wide. "Oh crap!" He yelled, dashing for the door.
Meanwhile in a small dark box Tseng sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have hired a bunch of idiots..."
He looked from side to side and closed his eyes sighing again. "Well that's just great..."
"Hey I wonder how much air is in here..."
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A/C: Well I loved writing this, usually I don't laugh that much at something I wrote I guess because I know it already that it loses something but seriously I loved his and I hope you liked it to, anyway see y'all later, and keep an eye out for the second chapter of That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him, written due to popular demand!