Just a reminder, in case you were confused. I don't own Degrassi. There. Now on to the story.

P.S. Rated for swearing, so this is your warning.


I am living with a horrible secret. If Jay or Alex or anyone were to find out, my rep would be ruined forever. But I just can't hide my inner feelings. I, Sean Cameron, am a science nerd.

Now, please, don't laugh. The idea of me and anything academic must seem at first ridiculous, but I love how logical science is. It's like cars, just a little trickier. See if your car won't start, you check certain things in order, till you find what's wrong. It's sorta the same thing with science, especially chemistry. If you had one chemical and a mystery person added one and the thing exploded, you could go back and figure out what had been added based on color, sound, odor, and other clues. It was so much easier to read the reactions of chemicals and carburetors, then, say people.

Take Jay for instance. This morning, he started off as my laid back, nothing doing best friend I always see. Then whammo! Out of nowhere, he's all agitated, making up some story about wanting to surprise Alex. I know they've had some trouble with her little Miss Suzy Spirit routine lately, but I've never seen him so nervous and weirded out about hanging with her. Then, the next time I see him, he's pissed off at the world. Granted, I wouldn't ditch to go play with him, I made some excuse about Simpson's MI class, but in reality, I didn't want to miss this experiment we had in chem.

Yeah, I know, not the Sean Cameron that you think you know, right? I'm just full of surprises. Nobody's ever bothered to figure out the real me, except for Emma once upon a time. I mean, Ellie accepts me as I am, but she doesn't really question me about it. She just takes whatever happens in stride, which is cool. And Jay has always assumed I'm just like him, which I am in some ways, but not in all. I mean, I'm not into the whole party scene the way he is. It's hard to enjoy Jay's type of party when you've seen what alcohol has done to your parents, to Ellie's mom, to me back in Grade 8.

Then there were the others. Back in Grade 7, Jimmy thought I was after him all the time, after his spot on the basketball team, thought I drugged his girlfriend. Craig dropped me like a hot potato after he heard what everyone said about me. Emma was the only one who asked me to explain my reasons behind why I chose an animal to research, why I stressed out so easily, why I did anything. At the time it annoyed me, but now, I just wish someone cared enough to look deeper at what was going on in my life.

Whatever. You'd think I was on frickin' Oprah or something. You make choices, you live with them. There's no going back.

So anyways, about Jay. He was definitely acting weird. I mean, I would know if he had fought with Alex, because she would have been all sweet on me and Towerz at any chance. She flirts when she's angry with Jay. But Alex just blew me off too.

Then there's Ellie. I love her, I really do, but this living together thing is . . . interesting. Just stuff, like it's hard to have a poster of Lindsay Lohan on your bedroom wall when your girlfriend is sleeping in your bed and you're on the couch. Or the fact that I now have tampons in my bathroom. Ewww. . .

And Ellie's so desperate to please that when I do something I know annoys her, like leave my dirty socks on the floor or drink milk out of the carton or just cut off the moldy part of the bread and eat the rest, she just turns and bites her lip or snaps her damn rubber band. It's like she's afraid that I won't love her or I'll leave her or kick her out or something. It makes me want to drive up and kick her mom's ass. Or tell her Dad the point of frickin' homeland security.

But most of all I hate that it annoys me. I hate it when I want to tell her to grow up and grow a backbone, even if it's only telling me she doesn't like pizza with pepperonis, rather than picking them off when she thinks I'm not looking. There's another thing I never had to worry about with Emma. If there is one thing Emma does well, it's tell you exactly what she thinks about everything. I miss that.

So then I feel guilty, either for thinking these thoughts about Ellie or thinking about Emma at all and I go overboard trying to make it up to Ellie, even if she's unaware that that's what I'm doing. I guess my actions would seem pretty random if you didn't know me.

Which is why I let Ellie feed me at lunch. Yes, I felt a little stupid, and yes, I'm sure to Jay and everyone else it looked like I was completely whipped, but I felt bad about that ferret comment earlier. Yes, Bueller freaked me out completely. I keep waking up in the middle of the night expecting to see it crouched on my stomach stealing my breath like the troll in Stephen King's Cat's Eyes or scratching my eyes out. Ellie loves the thing though. Treats it like it's our baby. I mean, she hasn't had a great home experience, so I guess she doesn't realize that many, many normal people do not have pets. If they do, they have dogs or cats or fish. If you're thinking exotic, get a snake or a lizard or a hamster. Not a ferret. Little weasel-ly thing. But again, saying so aloud was betraying Ellie, so I decided to make it up to her, by doing the whole romantic lunch thing. Until Jay came in and I started stressing a little bit.

The whole world was going crazy, with Rick seeming to be the final push that was causing everything to spin out of control. So I was looking forward to chemistry. Simple, mathematical, logical chemistry. The fact that it was Ms. Hot Sauce's class was just icing on the cake, really.

Until that went crazy as well. Everything started normally. My experiment went well, I actually did the math right, which I always screw up, and JT was my partner, so I didn't have to deal with someone too stupid or afraid of me. Like I said, someone too stupid.

JT and I had finished early and he was trying out "new material," joking about his recent break-up with Manny. I'll say this for the guy, he's got the right attitude about certain things, you know? Jokes were a lot better than stealing from your ex's step-father, but then I guess that had been a bit extreme. I couldn't help watching Toby out of the corner of my eye. He had spilled chemicals twice on his poor lab partner, Rick, and then kept walking halfway over to another part of the room and then back. Rick seemed to be half-goading, half mocking him, so that I wasn't sure if he wanted Toby to do whatever it was or not. It was actually kind of amusing to see Toby walk and then walk back, his facial expressions more and more comical. What the hell was he up to?

"What kind of boat always crashes and burns?" JT asked, shaking me out of my musings.

"Hey, JT, shut up for a minute and answer a question for me?" I shushed him.

"I guess," he replied, his big grin falling. He couldn't resist adding "A relation-ship by the way."

I sent him a glare to show him how much I appreciated that last joke. I mean, seriously, is that the best he can do? "Dude, you used to be funny. What's up with your boy Isaacs?"

"Toby?" JT asked, turning to follow my gaze. "I don't know; I haven't talked to him lately. I'm trying out this new thing where I act mature and Toby isn't exactly helping, you know. . ."

I tuned JT out as Toby finally reached his destination and leaned over to talk to Emma. That was weird. I mean, Toby had been super weird about Emma when we first started going out way back in Grade 7, but since then they had become really good friends, not the type that you would have had to think about what to . . .

"Holy shit," I said, watching Emma reach over and kiss Toby on the cheek. I had flashes of everything that I went through on our first date to get Emma to kiss me and he just waltzes over and asks?

"What?" JT asked, spinning around in time to see Toby push Emma aside. "Dude, I told him not to hang out with Rick. I mean, Emma can be annoying, but seriously, you don't have to shove like that."

Normally, I would have pounded anyone who shoved Emma – I mean any girl – away like that, but I was still in shock. "She kissed him," I repeated to myself dully.

"What?" JT asked, turning towards me as I watched Emma lean over and kiss Rick on the cheek.

"Ah – eh – I" Words failed me. I rubbed my eyes and then looked up, blinking. Emma was on one side of the room talking to some new girl, while Toby and Rick were in the same place, heads close together, whispering.

"Are you okay?" JT actually looked concerned.

No way did I just see that happen. I must be hallucinating. "Yeah, man. I think I got a little to close to some fumes or something. I'm seeing things."

JT leaned over and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Was the guy made of rubber? "What kind of things?" he asked with a leer. "Things involving Emma? Thinking of Emma taking you back? Oh, Seannie, I missed you so! Oh, oh . . ." he made a huge kissy face, lips puckered.

I punched him in the arm, harder than a joke, but not hard enough to hurt – too much at least. "Um, I've got a girlfriend, moron," I reminded him as the bell rang.

"Yeah, yeah," JT said grabbing his bag and moving toward the door. "That's what they all say."

I started to protest more, but JT had disappeared. I looked around for Emma, to try and get some sort of explanation for what I had just seen, but she also had vanished. Not that she was talking to me at the moment, thanks to Jay.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. Ellie was going over to Marco's for some "best friend" time, as she called it. Ellie and Marco hadn't hung out in a while, but since Marco and Dylan had their whole whatever deal, the two friends had re-connected. It was nice to have some breathing room, actually. As much as I loved Ellie, and I did, really, it was a little too much to spend every moment with her in school, after school and then at home.

Looking forward to having some time alone to regain my apparently lost sanity, I grabbed books seemingly at random from my locker. Shoving my backpack closed as I walked, I noticed some people scrambling to move out of my way and felt a tinge of regret. Once, I was the one who stood up to bullies at Degrassi. Now I was the bully. I pushed the thought aside. Whatever. I had to take care of myself before worrying about people I didn't even know. If they wanted to help me out by moving, then why should I worry about it?

I slammed through the double doors, my thoughts still a jumble of everything that had happened this past year. I mean, this time last year I was dating Emma, living with Tracker and friends with JT and Toby. Ellie was some scary goth chick and Jay was some asshole that would get me sent home or worse. I wonder what I would have done last year if I knew how everything would play out. There I go with the freakin' introspection again. Just call me Dr. Phil Cameron.

I stopped at the top of the stairs, seeming to look for my headphones, but in reality just letting my eyes adjust to the bright light. I started down, purposefully, hoping that I could use my bad boy reputation for good once and get out of here unmolested. I didn't feel like talking.

As I started to stalk off in the direction of my apartment – I never called it home; it wasn't home, it was just a place to sleep – I got the strangest feeling I was being watched. Sure enough, there was a car out of the corner of my eye going so slowly it was either following me or being pushed. I felt my heart start to speed up its beats as I glanced over my left shoulder . . .

. . . and saw Jay's car. Asshole. Almost gave me a heart attack.

He rolled the passenger side window down, but I ignored him, steadfastly looking ahead as I continued to walk.

"Cameron. Yo, Cameron!" Jay never was one to take a hint.

"Not in the mood!" I shouted at him, continuing to walk. This was my thinking time, damn it.

"Ahh, don't be like that. I skipped to cool down, had a couple of beers, everything's cool now, man," Jay told me.

"You WHAT?" I stopped in my tracks. Why hadn't I noticed his words were slurring? Driving drunk? Damn it, dealing with drunk best friends was so not on the agenda today, but what else could I do. I looked at Jay and noticed he was having trouble staying on the right side of the road.

"Great, just great," I muttered; then I raised my voice. "Stop the car, Hogart."

He actually listened to me and I ran over to the driver's side. "Slide over, man and I'll take you home."

He didn't move, but he didn't protest as I shoved him over to be sitting on the opposite side. I turned off the car and pocketed the keys when I went around to buckle him tightly into the passenger side. There was no use in taking stupid chances. Then I raced around to my side of the car.

"The whole world has to go insane today of all freakin' days. Ellie decides to give me some time off and everyone goes off their rocker. Between you and Emma, I don't know what the hell side is up," I muttered to myself sliding into the driver's seat.

"Emma . . ." Jay muttered, half conscious. "That is one hot piece of ass. I'd like to enjoy nature with her if you know what I mean." I felt myself begin to get a little hot thinking about Emma and my last make out session last year. Clean the Ravine, whatever. Some days, out of nowhere, I would start planning ways to kill Kendra, creatively, thinking about . . . wait, was Jay singing?

I stopped adjusting the mirrors and leaned closer to Jay. He reeked of alcohol, but sure enough he was quietly singing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. You know the one. "I'd like to ---- you like an animal." Now I knew for sure he had had more than a couple of beers. More like a bottle of whiskey and a couple of beers. I was gonna to give him crap about this for the rest of his life. His drunken thoughts were of Emma Nelson.

"Man, you should've stayed in school," I laughed at Jay's semi-conscious form. "Emma was giving out kisses like they were candy. First Toby, the dorky best friend, then Rick, registered psychopath and Emma's current pity project, who's to say school bully wouldn't be next, right?"

I had apparently misjudged Jay's state of intoxication, because at the mention of Emma's make out party, his head had abruptly jerked up. "What did you say?" his words were understandable, less blurry than before.

"Nothing. Just I thought I saw Emma kiss Toby and then Rick. Just on the cheek, nothing major. Probably hallucinated the whole thing." I leaned over to release the parking brake and when I sat back up Jay was gone.

"Jay? Jay? What's up?" I got out of the car in time to see him run into Degrassi Community School. Now what? His car was in the middle of the street and I was standing next to it, starting to cause a minor traffic jam. He was intoxicated in a school where he had skipped every class since lunch. Nothing good could come of this, but what could I do?

First step, park the car. Jay would have to handle himself till then. I managed a nifty three point turn in a driveway a block up and returned to the Degrassi parking lot. Now to find Jay, before a teacher or Liberty did.

Might as well start at the beginning, right? I bounded up the main doors, looking left and right. I started down one hall towards Jay's locker, eyes and ears open for anything out of the ordinary.

I jumped about a mile when I felt the hand on my shoulder. Turning only to find . . .

"Alex, where'd you learn to sneak up on people like that?" I asked, trying to play it off like I hadn't almost wet myself.

"How else do I sneak out of my house every night? My mom's on an overprotective kick right now, so it pays." She shrugged. "What you doing here after school is done? Lost your way home without your little Ellie Wellie to show you the way?"

"No . . . I just forgot something," I said casually. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting. Official Vice President business, you know," she started to move toward the student council offices and I continued down the corridor. "Cameron!" Her voice stopped me. "You haven't seen Jay, have you?"

I gulped. Since she started on this whole student council thing, she didn't appreciate Jay and me breaking school rules as often as say, oh, last year. I don't know how you go from stealing school property to enforcing dress codes, but hey, to each her own, right? I mean, I confessed to something I had already gotten away with and spent all summer working in the hot TO sun as a reward. I guess we were all growing a conscience or something. 'You always had one, you just suppressed it long enough to break Emma's heart,' a little voice inside of me whispered. 'Shut up,' I answered myself, 'I'm trying to lie to Alex.'

"Not since lunch, he said he was skipping out. Listen, I really gotta get that book I left in my locker," I told her, continuing down the corridor.

"Hey, Cameron." I turned to face Alex again as she spoke, "Number 1: You're a horrible liar. Two: Your locker's that way." She flicked her thumb in the opposite direction of the one I was facing.

Checkmate. I thought. This is the part where I get beat up by a girl. Pretty sad, right? There goes the fear as I walk down the hallway, let the ridicule begin. 'There's Cameron, some girl on student council beat his ass down after school yesterday, did you hear?' But instead Alex just sent me a sad look and kept walking towards her meeting. The scary thing was I recognized that look. It was the 'I just screwed up and don't know how to fix it look.'

I don't know how long I stood there dumbly, only that it was too long because the next thing I know Mr. Raditch was calling my name. "Mr. Cameron, to what do we owe this pleasure?"

Testing out my lying skills in record numbers today. "Forgot something, sir. I was on my way to my locker when I saw a friend and walked her to her meeting." Without mentioning Alex by name, I made my message clear: student council business, butt out.

"Well, Mr. Cameron, I trust you can find what you have forgotten and be out quickly." Do you speak Raditch? If not, here's the translation: I'm watching you.

I could be fairly sure that if Jay was down the corridor I had been headed Mr. Raditch would have caught him already, so turning towards my own locker only helped at this point.

"Have a good evening, Mr. Cameron," Mr. Raditch said, entering the door Alex had just passed through. I headed toward my locker briskly.

"You, too, Mr. Raditch." I saw surprise flicker in his eyes. Like I said, no one in this school knows me at all, except . . .

Emma Nelson flew by me just then, tears streaming down her face, and she slammed out the doors.

"Em?" I called after her. It was like she hadn't seen me. Well, I could follow her, try to cheer her up, have her slap me harder than she had this summer, hate me even more and add to her obviously not so great day. Or I could trace her steps back and find my best friend, the only person other than Manny, Alex or me that could make her cry like that and get him out of here, fast. Manny was being a pom-pom girl, Alex was in a meeting and I was, well, I was right here, so that left one candidate.

Jay was sitting against a row of lockers across from the M.I. lab, head in his hands, which rested on his knees.

"What's happening, man?" I asked sliding down next to him.

"I'm just like him. I'm just like him." He seemed to be repeating it over and over again, like some sort of sick anthem.

Not again. Once last spring, when Alex and Jay had had a nasty fight, an ever increasing occurrence it seemed lately, he had approached her and she had fallen over backwards. I saw the whole thing; Jay didn't push her. Alex alcohol heels lots of falling. But Jay was convinced he was going to end up a wife-beater like his father and couldn't bring himself to face her. It's funny how he acts so mean and tough, but can crumble if he even thinks he touched a girl. Alex eventually came to see him at my place and from the sounds through the paper thin walls of my apartment, lots of make up sex was involved. I shuddered remembering how long it had taken to get those sounds out of my head.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Found Emma. Talked to Emma. Fought with Emma. Emma left." He sounded like a primary reader, 'Dick and Jane meet Emma.'

Wait a minute. For a horrifying moment my thoughts froze and I tensed every muscle. Concentrating to keep my voice even I asked, "You didn't hit Em, did you?"

I held my breath waiting for his answer. I mean, I didn't want to break every bone in his body, but I very easily could if I needed to. Especially because one: he was drunk and two: he would probably not fight me due to guilt if he had lifted a finger towards her.

"No. I didn't hit your precious 'Em.' But I wanted to. I wanted to so bad." Jay had his eyes shut tight back against the locker. "I had her right there, right there against the locker and I wanted to hit her so hard that she wouldn't be able to say anything hurtful and condescending again, but I didn't. You should have seen her eyes, Cameron. She looked just like my mom staring at my dad's belt. I'm just like him."

I slowly released the breath I had been holding. I was a little worried by what 'I had her right there meant,' but in this state Jay wouldn't be doing much clarifying. "But you didn't hit her, Jay. You wanted to and you didn't. Knowing Emma she probably gave you a mind and a half and you are drunker than I have ever seen you and you still restrained yourself. You are a man. Your Dad's just pathetic."

I waited a moment for what I said to sink in. "Now, come on and let's get you out of here before Raditch finds us and puts us both in detention for the rest of our high school lives."

I hoisted Jay up and slung his arm over my shoulder. "You, Cameron, are a friend. A real friend," he said, any lucidity he had earlier gone.

"A friend who will call your home and tell your folks you're spending the night. Now let's go before I regret it," I said, staggering toward the doors. 'Too late,' I thought to myself.