Still Life
Chapter Three
Disclaimer: I don't own RENT, or any of the characters contained therein.
WARNING: This chapter deals with sensitive material, namely abortion. If this does not interest you, please click the back button on your browser now. Don't flame me for writing about it, because I'm warning you now. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Mark sat in his tiny room in the loft, meticulously splicing together footage for his film. He jumped when he heard a loud knock at the door, and got up, wondering whom it was. He opened the door and came face to face with Joanne. He cleared his throat nervously.
"Um…Maureen's not here…" Joanne smiled, sardonically.
"Good, because I came to talk to you, Mark." Mark felt himself go bright red.
"To me? Why?" He asked, voice rising a few notches. Joanne looked at him sympathetically.
"Collins told us about your discussion." Mark snorted.
"Nice to know he values a person's right to privacy." He muttered, half-heartedly.
"Mark…"Joanne began, hesitatingly. "Mark…he's worried about you. We all are."
"Oh." Said Mark, stupidly. He was torn between appreciation for the fact that they cared enough about him to worry, and annoyance at them discussing him behind his back. Joanne heaved a great sigh.
"Mark, I came here to let you know that I know how you feel." Mark looked up with interest.
"What do you mean?" He asked, inquisitively. Joanne looked down at her hands, and began twisting them together.
"Um, do you mind if…if we sit down for this?" She asked, visibly trembling. Mark's deep blue eyes looked at her with worry, as he gestured to the couch behind him. They both sat on the old couch, feeling its well-worn springs creaking below them. Mark offered her a shy grin, and she returned it with a watery smile.
"Mark, when Collins told me about what you said…how you felt, I wanted you to know that you're not alone. I know—I know it feels like it now, like no one understands, or like you have to fight this alone, but I'm here to tell you that you're wrong." Mark opened his mouth to interrupt her, but she held up a hand to quiet him. "Mark, what I have to say is very difficult for me to talk about, so I'd appreciate if you let me finish without interrupting." Mark eagerly nodded his assent, desperate to find out what Joanne had to say. "Mark…in my sophomore year I went through a deep phase of depression." She paused, and looked down at her hands, choking back tears. Mark leapt to his feet.
"Can I get you a tissue? A glass of water? Anything?" He asked her, desperately. She shook her head, looking amused at his antics, and he sat uneasily down. He could see her visible unease, so he reached out, timidly, to take her hand in his. She looked shocked at first, but then deeply touched, and she gave him a real smile, that re returned in kind.
"In my sophomore year at Harvard," She began again, her voice shaking. "I was still in denial about who I was. I thought my lack of attraction to men was my fault, because I never met the right man. I was growing increasingly insecure about who I was, what I was, and one night, I took my troubles to a bar." She paused, and breathed deeply. "I met a man there, the kind of man you'd avoid if you met him on the street. But I was so lost, so young…so stupid." She finished, bitterly. "I let him take me back to his apartment, and I had sex with him. Unprotected sex." Mark's eyes widened in shock. Surely responsible, sensible, anal-retentive Joanne wouldn't do anything like that. Joanne noticed his incredulous stare and chuckled sadly. "I know, I know. How could I do that? When it was over…I was so ashamed. I left straight away, and went back to my dorm. I told my roommate I had been catching up with a friend. I thought the worst part was over, but I was wrong, Mark." She sighed, and leaned back in defeat. "In a month, I noticed I skipped my period. I brushed it off as stress, unwilling or unable to see what was in front of me. However, when I missed it again, there was no way I could ignore the facts. I was pregnant, Mark. Pregnant at twenty, by a man I didn't love, by a man I didn't even know. I knew there was no way I could support a baby. I wasn't done with school, I didn't have a job, I couldn't be a mother." Mark watched her, concern evident in his gaze. She took a deep breath, straightened up, and looked him in the eye. "I had an abortion, Mark."
Mark was shocked. In his stupefied state, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Does Maureen know?" Joanne shook her head, bitterly.
"Maureen the drama queen? No, she doesn't know." She looked at him, penetratingly. "You're the first person I've told." Mark was touched by her gesture. He knew how hard it was to ask for help, to reveal something personal; especially to someone you didn't know very well. He saw her watching him with the same look he often wore, one desperate for approval, for absolution. Mark felt tears brimming in his eyes, and he did what came naturally to him. He reached over and hugged her, letting her cry against his shoulder. Eventually, she drew back, and continued her story.
"After the operation was over, I didn't go out of my dorm for months. My grades slipped, I blew off friends, all I could concentrate on was my complete misery. I kept wondering about what would happen to me for doing this, if I would go to Hell, if I had committed murder. What made me the most unhappy was the sense of relief I felt. What kind of person feels relieved after something like that?" She looked at him, and her voice dissolved into sobs. "I didn't even find out if it was a boy or a girl." Mark was suddenly aware of the tears streaming down his face, he took of his glasses and furiously wiped his eyes. He took Joanne in another hug, and they both cried together, embracing in the middle of the empty, still apartment, crying noiselessly.
A/N: Whew! A tough chapter. As a side-note: My knowledge of abortion and what it entails is extremely limited. I thought that it was an experience Joanne could very well have gone through, maybe what had helped make her so control-freakish and "an anal retentive." If anyone finds the way I dealt with the subject matter offensive, please tell me so I can change it. As usual, please R&R. Major props to the-fraulein for reviewing chapters one and two.
the-fraulein: Yeah, I'm trying to include some under-used characters. Joanne and Mark so rarely interact, I thought there was a good opportunity to explore their perceptions of each other. Joanne strikes me as blunt enough to confront Mark about his feelings, whereas I feel Roger/Mimi/Collins would shy away from the issue, and not push it for fear of upsetting him. And Maureen…well, I don't think Mark would want her to talk to him while he was in a distressed state.