A/N Sorry that it took me so long to get this up. The combination of holidays, real life and writers' block made this a ridiculously long time in the making. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I really do appreciate all the feedback and the words of encouragement (Adri –that is a scary coincidence, I'm glad someone actually likes 80's music besides me!). Thanks also to Krystle, who helped me overcome the said dreaded writer's block (and happy belated birthday!).
I hope you like my take on Emma during TSS. I know others have written on this topic and I hope my interpretation doesn't feel stale or repetitive.
'I am not wrong,' I told myself as I stared at the ceiling of my basement room, trying to steal a few precious moments before having to wake up and face the hell that was school lately. Emma Nelson couldn't be wrong. I staked far too much on my beliefs and doing the 'right' thing to have that right thing not be, well, right. Great, now I can't even form coherent thoughts! On some level I knew I wasn't omnipotent, all knowing -- not that I would ever admit that. I was far too stubborn, which led to most of my problems over the years.
I mean, how many of the truly major fights I'd had with Manny could have been toned down or avoided entirely if I hadn't been so convinced that the issues were completely black and white and I was pulling her away from the 'dark side?' Not to mention everything with Sean . . .
Not that it hadn't been an extremely helpful coping device over the years, especially last year. Last year rocked my entire foundations – no, shattered them. Finding my father only to find the happy little fantasy about him not knowing how to find me was true, just not the entire story. Adjusting to a new baby in the house, not to mention a step-father, well, father. And just when you've got all that down, Ms. Nelson, we're going to give your new family a life-threatening illness to deal with. Really, the fight with Manny and the unbelievably nasty break up with Sean had seemed relatively minor in comparison. Who would remember high school boyfriends in a few years? I shoved away the sneaking suspicion that I would never forget Sean Cameron, reminding myself that your family was forever. If I hadn't been able to hold tightly onto the knowledge that I was right and that everyone would eventually realize it and come to me, apologies ready, well, who knows what might have happened. . .
I shushed the tiny voice in the back of my head that told me if it hadn't been for that stubbornness I wouldn't have fought with Manny and Sean in the first place. That I could have faced my crises with best friend and boyfriend support systems intact.
While that might have been true for Manny, Sean was a different story entirely, I knew that. He had his own self-esteem issues that only he could fix. Nothing I could say or do could convince him that he was good enough for me; it was something he had to figure out on his own. My being busy was just an excuse for him to vent his fear that I felt the same way. That he wasn't as important to me as I was to him because I thought he was beneath me. That I didn't have time to spend with him because he wasn't worth it, not because my world was falling apart. Which is, of course, ridiculous.
But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Especially seeing him happy with Ellie. Had he merely settled for someone that he felt was in his league? Or had he finally worked out his issues and seen me for the fraud I was? I didn't know which answer would be worse. I was afraid to find out.
This year had been nothing but a slow realization that not only I was not always right, but lately I was never right! This entire year . . .
My students against violence campaign had almost caused a riot, my attempt to be more popular and have friends had merely driven Manny away and lost Liberty's friendship in the process, my whatever with Jay . . . I didn't even want to think about that.
Yes, I had judged him, and judged him harshly from Day 1, although I knew nothing about him other than Sean had chosen him over me and that he stole things. I had never had to really worry about money, my mom wasn't rich, but she and I had gotten by. I guess I never thought that people might have reasons to steal beyond selfish ones.
All the same, Sean had chosen him. And while for a while I'll admit I was obsessed with getting Sean back, I had gotten over that. Yet Jay had still singled me out for teasing. What was I supposed to think? That he was using 2nd grade flirting methods because he was madly in love with me? As if!
Jay's outburst, although violent and drunken and maybe not entirely deserved, had made me rethink all the assumptions I'd sort of taken for granted. I mean, most of the time I still saw Paige as the evil cheerleader clone who manipulated others. If JT liked her there had to be more there. I had pegged Toby as not worth my time beyond friendship. While I couldn't quite get myself to view Alex in an unbiased light -- she had done nothing but make my life miserable because she didn't like -- what was it again? Oh yeah. 'My voice, my clothes, my holier than thou attitude, me.' I could do more to get to know individuals and not labels.
Of course I wouldn't tell Jay that. I had kept my promise to Toby and kept away from Jay. He hadn't said anything to me since that day, not even to tease.
It's not like I didn't see him, as he seemed to instinctively know where Rick was at any time of day and I was often with Rick as the Whack Your Brain finals approached . . . OH MY GOODNESS!
"MOM!" I shouted running up the stairs. "I forgot, today's the TV taping at school! I'm going to be late!"
"Emma, calm down, I don't want to wake your brother," Mom said, placing her hands on both my shoulders. "Snake went to get the TV equipment set up. He said to take your time getting to school, that first period was excused for you and your teammates."
I let out a huge sigh and started fiddling with my hair. "Mom, do you think my outfit's too much? Not enough? I'm going to be on TV! Where's my flashcards? I don't want to look stupid in front of all of Canada!" My voice rose with each consecutive sentence until I was practically screaming.
"Em, you look beautiful and I'm pretty sure you've already memorized every flash card in the bunch. Between you and Archie, I'm starting to feel like I live in trivial pursuit!" Mom looked straight into my eyes like she was trying to memorize my face. "I'm proud of you, Em. You know that right? No matter what happens today at that game show, you are my intelligent, gorgeous baby girl always."
"Mo-om," I whined, but gave her my secret smile. Since Baby Jack was born, my mom's been super mushy. Not that she wasn't always somewhat sentimental, but this was a whole new level.
I started towards the door grabbing my bag, when the mushiness got to me too. I ran back and gave my mom a big hug. "Thanks," I whispered in her ear. "Wish me luck!" I called out as I walked out the door.
"You don't need luck!" Mom called back. I turned and looked at her. "Fine, break a leg, Em. Happy?"
"Estatic! Love ya!" and with that I was out the door and on my way to Degrassi.
I was walking up the steps when I heard someone calling out. "Hey!" Rick ran up the stairs slightly out of breath. "My thoughts are on sale today. Two for a penny. You can pay me later."
"Okay," I responded nodding.
"Um, thank you for talking to me, you know about Jimmy. When you speak, I listen. You're my guide." Rick was staring at me with this strange look. Okay, what do you say to something like that? You're welcome?
I smiled, awkwardly. "Well I'm glad things worked out. I knew you'd make friends." I turned and walked away quickly trying to avoid further conversation.
Lately, I had begun to wonder if Jay hadn't been right about more than just my stereotyping others. Maybe Rick was taking my sticking up for him too seriously. He was beginning to seriously freak me out. Yesterday during practice I think he had been trying to ask me out before my dad walked in and now there was this awkward little exchange out front. I was 'his guide?'
I didn't want to hurt Rick's feelings, but at the same time, I wasn't interested in him. We were teammates, yes and we shared a mutual friend in Toby, but that was the beginning and the end of our relationship. I was going to have to be more careful from now on to make sure I didn't give him the wrong impression.
I didn't have time to think of much else, because before I knew it I was standing in front of a podium. Dad gave us a little pep talk I think, but the lights were bright in my eyes and I couldn't concentrate.
"Good morning folks and welcome to the world's favorite quiz show. We are back to attack your cranium and," the host began.
"WHACK YOUR BRAIN!" The audience screamed. Looking into the crowd I noticed Jay and Alex and Spinner all there in a row about halfway back. I thought that the studio audience had been hand-picked by Raditch to ensure there would be 'no trouble' along the lines of what had happened during the election speeches. Yet sitting right there was the person who had caused said trouble.
"You got your boy Joe; we got a good game for you today. Northern High is getting ready to go up against Degrassi CS. Both these teams are ready, let's not waste any more time," the announcer droned on.
What was Jay doing here? Did he realize that he had been right about Rick and reversed on his decision to avoid me? Was he just trying to get back at me by making me uncomfortable while on TV?
"Hands on buzzers. Here we go. In what Canadian city was the telephone invented?" the announcer continued.
The sound of a buzzer to my right jarred me out of my thoughts. I was suddenly aware that I was standing on stage on National TV obsessing about a person that I had basically told to go to hell and who had responded by almost pounding me against a locker. Focus, Emma.
"That'd be Brantford, Ontario," Rick answered.
"You're on the board! Culture. Name the spicy, Spanish vegetable soup, usually served chilled!" The announcer asked.
Toby buzzed in this time. "Uh Gazpacho!"
"Good job. Science. What scientific instrument cuts very thin slices for examination by a microscope?" was the next question.
"A microtone!" the small boy from Northern answered. I knew that, why couldn't I concentrate? Because every time you look straight ahead you see Jay smirking at you and every time you look to the right Rick shoots you a little wink. Right.
"You're on the board! Geography. What is the geographical term for land between areas of permanent snow and the tree line in arctic regions?" The announcer said. I looked between Jimmy and Rick helplessly as they stared at me. Yes, Jimmy was our geography 'expert,' but wasn't I the environmentalist? What was the term?
"Tundra?" the Northern boy, Mick, answered again. Well, the Sierra Club is totally going to revoke my membership.
"Good job. Sports. In tennis what term describes the ball touching the net and falling into the opponent's court?" The announcer even seemed to turn to Jimmy on this one.
"Let."
"Good job! Degrassi has 30 points!" The announcer complimented. Yeah, one right question from everyone but me. I could see my dad giving me 'the don't worry, two thumbs up' face. Great, one more place my eyes should avoid. I took to staring at the announcer unwaveringly, but in the mass of questions that followed, I can only remembering answering one. "Franz Ferdinand" was going to be the total of my on-screen speaking in my first ever TV appearance. Well, I guess Caitlin Ryan had nothing to fear from this up and coming young environmentalist. The TV forum was all hers.
Before I knew it, the announcer was announcing the last question. Somehow, despite my blonde moments, we were only one right answer away from a tie.
"Good job. Northern 180 points! Degrassi right there with 170 points! Just a reminder, in case of a tie each team will select one player to compete in the final lightning round. Hands on buzzers please. Your last category: sports. Name the first golfer to win the British and US opens in the same year. Anyone?" The announcer prompted.
We all looked at Jimmy, but he looked as lost as I did.
The buzz came from my right again. "Bobby Jones?" Rick asked, sounding less than confident for the first time all day.
"Tie game! A short break. When we come back the final lightening round! Don't go anywhere!" The announcer told the audience in studio and at home, but I was too busy smiling. My brain damage wouldn't hurt my team and my school.
I leaned over and gave Toby a high five, hearing Jimmy ask Rick, "You're gonna take that, right?"
"Yeah!" Rick responded. I reached over to squeeze his hand in support for a moment, but he wouldn't give me my hand back.
I extricated my fingers as quickly as I could, forcing a smile. We were still on stage. As soon as this trivia show was over I had to do something, before someone got hurt.
I was so caught up in my thoughts on how I could approach Rick after the show, I basically missed the entire break. Of course the chance that I could run into my Dad or Jay if I stepped off stage also influenced that decision somewhat. Before long, the lights were back on and it was on with the show. The kid from Northern, Mick, went first. I couldn't tell you a single question that was asked.
"Time! Northern with 40 points! Good job! Degrassi, who's up?" the announcer asked.
As Rick walked by, he paused to whisper in my ear, "This is all for you." I tried to keep my smile in place, I was, after all, still on TV, but I couldn't help a feeling of dread creep through me. I think that whole 'before someone gets hurt' idea was already too late. Rick had, overnight it seemed, gone from a friend to an obsessed stalker.
Had it really been overnight, though? I was aware of questions being asked and answered, but right now, trivia was the LAST thing on my mind. Jay had come to me last week and if he had noticed something, then it had to have been going on before then. Had I merely ignored warning signs?
More importantly what was I going to do? I didn't have the best track record of letting guys down gently. The first time with Sean didn't go over so well and I apparently hadn't ever convinced Toby I wasn't interested. And the Chris thing had been a total disaster. Not that it worked out any better when guys dumped me a la Sean part two.
All of a sudden I was engulfed in a giant Jimmy bear hug. "Emma! We did it! We won!" Toby shouted from behind me.
Sure enough, the announcer was screaming, "Degrassi wins, Degrassi wins!"
I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Sure, today I had been ineffectual at best, but I had worked really hard to get the team to the finals in the first place. Or so I told myself.
My smile disappeared as a stream of yellow paint fell from above all over Rick followed by floating yellow feathers. Not quite the tarring and feathering of old, but close enough. I looked to see Alex return to her seat, a satisfied smile on her face.
Jay wasn't openly laughing, but he had this knowing grin. Well, that explains why they had shown up. And to think I had thought it was because . . . it didn't matter what I thought, because Rick just lowered his head and walked slowly off stage. I have never seen anything as sad in my life.
"Dad!" I called. Mr. Simpson was talking to the principal from Northern and the quiz show host, it looked like he was apologizing, but he excused himself to come over to the edge of the stage. "Dad, can you get me the trophy? I'm going to go after Rick."
"Emma, are you sure about this? He may want some time alone." My dad looked wary.
"Dad! Please. I want him to know that not everyone's laughing," I explained.
"Okay, Em, hold on." Dad walked over to where the announcer was and returned with a large trophy. "It doesn't say Degrassi on it yet, but it might still help. Good luck, Em."
"Thanks!" I said, running off. I caught up to Rick rather quickly, he was still doing his rather slow walk.
"Rick! Rick!" I called, running up to him. He wouldn't turn. "What happened…it only makes the people that did it look totally juvenile."
He turned slowly. "They ruined it Emma. They're life ruiners. Everyone laughing."
I didn't realize he had taken this trivia thing so seriously. Life ruiners? Wasn't that going a bit far? Being beat up by your dad: yes. Having to deal with a pregnancy in school and the fall out: yes. Being date raped: yes. A prank, even one that was televised was not quite the same. He looked so sad, though.
"But nobody's ever gonna forget who won! Who is the smartest guy in the whole school, in the whole city!" I tried to reassure him. It was true; he was an amazingly intelligent when it came to totally irrelevant facts.
He looked at me with this totally blank look and then grabbed my arm and the back of my head roughly, pulling me in for a kiss. Suddenly I was twelve again. 'One noise and I'll tape your mouth and I don't think you'd want that,' I heard a voice whisper in my head.
NO! I pulled away, sharply.
"Rick! What are you doing!" I screamed. I couldn't get him to let go of my arm. 'I've been dreaming about this over and over and over again, waiting . . .' "Let go!" I yelled swinging my arm wildly in an attempt to get free.
My heart was racing so fast and I couldn't stop flashing back to that hotel room. The video equipment, the way Jordan had been touching me – NO! I had successfully forgotten about that night and I refused to remember it now.
Rick looked at me confused. "I thought you loved me!"
"I felt sorry for you. I pitied you." My voice was raspy as I tried to keep from hyperventilating. I shoved the trophy at him and backed away quickly. "Get a clue!" I said harshly, trying to regain control of the situation. I backed further away wiping off my hands. I looked up at Rick. He looked harmless standing there staring at me, but my mind was still flashing back and forth between the summer before Grade 7 and the moment a few moments ago. 'Emma, you smell so sweet,' Jordan's voice whispered inside my head. I ran quickly away, trying not to cry, and ran right smack into Jay.
"Woah, where's the fire?" He said, holding my forearms to keep me from falling. His eyes roamed up and down my body, like he was sizing me up and I had to fight from getting sick right there.
"Don't TOUCH me!" I screamed jerking away. "I hope you're happy. With everything."
"Emma!" I heard him call after me, but I ran into the washroom, trying to control my breathing. What had just happened? I concentrated on getting the paint stain out of my top, pushing every feeling down.
When I finished, I looked up, surprised at how normal I looked. Well, if there was one thing being a semi-social outcast had taught me, it was how to keep feelings locked up until you were off school property.
As I left the washroom, I heard someone call my name.
"Emma!" It was Toby.
"Hey, Tobes. Crazy day, huh?" I smiled awkwardly.
"Yeah, I think Rick went home for the day. Raditch came in after you left the auditorium. Did you catch up to Rick?" Toby asked.
"Mmmh-hmm" I nodded, not trusting words at that moment.
"Good. I'm sure you helped him with everything. I'm going to go find a table outside. Why don't you get your lunch and meet us out there?" Toby invited.
Well, not like I had anything better to do and I didn't want to be alone right then. "Sure. I'll meet you there." I grabbed my lunch from my locker and went outside to where Toby and JT were sitting with Liberty's little brother.
Danny immediately made some sort of cheesy pick up line and I shuddered, trying to push down the images that flashed through my brain. 'Come on, Emma,' I told myself. 'Ignore him.' Toby moved to make room for me and I sent him a small smile of thanks.
I sat in the space Toby had vacated silently and opened Mom's best Tupperware. I wasn't really hungry, I just poked at the left over tofu stir-fry from last night listening to JT and Danny talk about some stupid television show as they played dominoes.
"Yeah, well, at least my television debut doesn't have me talking about some 'dawg all up in my fries,'" Toby joked. That got my attention.
"They can't air the quiz show, Toby," I told him.
"Yes, they can. They just cut before the paint pours on Rick," he rationalized.
"Which is now officially my new favorite mental image!" JT announced.
I shot him a dirty look. I guess JT would never grow up.
"You know what! You wouldn't think it was so funny if it happened to you," Toby shot back at him.
"I would!" Danny added laughing. Seriously, why did JT and Toby hang around this Grade 7 reject? "And speaking of hysterical images…" he said, looking over my shoulder.
I turned and noticed Rick walking back towards school, the same slow walk he had been using earlier. I fought back a shudder.
"What's Rick doing back at school? I should go talk to him…" Toby said, looking to me as if expecting me to join him. I looked at him quickly, then back down at the tofu that was now mashed beyond all recognition.
"Go right ahead," I said, refusing to turn around again. Jordan's face flashed in front of me once again and I fought back a shudder.
Toby shot JT one more look as he went over to talk to Rick. I wanted to say something to JT, too, but I didn't trust my voice.
Danny and JT kept cracking these inane jokes about painted yellow chickens in the school and eventually I got up, disgusted. I looked quickly to check and saw Rick was no longer standing at the entrance.
"Real mature, JT," I said, regaining my normal tone as I returned to school.
Rick wasn't in English with Ms. Kwan, but I can imagine he wouldn't want to run into Spinner any time soon. I spent the entire period, peeking at the door, afraid he would come in suddenly. I guess I would have to get some notes on 1984 from Toby later.
When the bell rang between classes, I walked towards my locker, cautiously, afraid to run into Rick or Jay again. I only had so much time to get the stuff I needed.
"Emma!" I jumped about a mile in the air and spun, only to see Toby standing behind me.
"Toby!" I placed a hand over my chest. "You scared me." I turned back around to my locker, so he wouldn't see how shaken I still was. 'Pull it together, Em,' I told myself.
"Emma, why didn't you come with me to talk to Rick? He could really use a friend right now," Toby lectured me.
I rolled my eyes. This was a switch. "I talked to him earlier. It was your turn," I rationalized, trying not to think about what would happen the next time I saw Rick. The longer I put that off, the better. I needed to reseal the dam of memories that flooded through me every time I saw or even thought of Rick Murray.
"Wow. Some friend, Emma. I thought you at least cared enough to tell me the truth," he said, walking away.
I slammed my locker open and closed my eyes tightly, counting to ten, trying to get rid of the anger inside. It didn't work. "Like you tell me the truth?" I accused, walking over to him.
"What does that mean?" Toby looked confused.
"What really happened to your lip yesterday?" I asked, leaning on the locker next to him.
He looked away. "It was nothing."
"I thought we had a deal, Toby. I stay away from Jay and so do you," I told him.
"We did! We do . . ." Toby realized he had been caught and rushed to explain. "Look, I didn't go looking for him. Alex and Spinner and Jay were looking for Rick. I wouldn't tell them where he was, so Jay pushed my face into the fountain. I cut my lip on the metal part."
A voice from behind me cut in suddenly and I jumped again. I needed to control this scared rabbit reflex and soon. "No wonder Simpson was all over my case," Sean commented. "I figured something was up, but Jay didn't exactly tell me what happened."
"Now you're spying on me, too?" I spun around, incredulous. "Listen, Sean, Toby and I were having a private conversation, so why don't you take your Hardy Boys routine somewhere else? Just stay out of my life!"
"Emma, can something for once not be about you?" He asked angrily.
Ouch. I turned and walked to my locker without looking back. Why was it that a year later Sean still had the power to hurt me in a way no one else could?
I pulled my books out of my locker and into my bag when I heard a loud noise, like a car back-firing. Several people ran down the hall. What was going on? I walked toward the hallway, vaguely aware of Sean and Toby following behind me.
I saw Rick doing his slow walk down the hall and froze. I felt Sean stop right behind my left shoulder as Rick turned and saw us. What was in his hand? My eyes widened as I realized he was caring a gun.
"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you," his voice was all one tone, like a robot. RUN! RUN! My brain was shouting, but my legs wouldn't listen; I was frozen in place. Sean could probably hear my heart beat it was pounding so loudly in my ears.
Sean placed his arm on my elbow and tugged at me gently. "He's got a gun, ok; let's go!" That slight tug shattered the ice hold that had taken over my body and I moved towards the door, following Sean.
"Don't turn away from me!" Rick screamed. I jumped at the anger in his voice and turned slowly to face him. Sean's arm still rested at my elbow and somehow it calmed me down, a little at least.
"Glad I found you Emma. You made my list," Rick's voice was back to the robot quality.
"Rick, what are you doing?" I heard Toby said from behind me.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't move, not even my eyes. All thoughts left my mind as I stared at that gun.
"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick continued.
I don't know if it was Sean's pressure on my arm or an unconscious reflex, but I turned toward Sean slightly. My eyes went even wider as I stared at the gun, realizing where Rick was going with all this. My lower lip wobbled unconsciously. This was not happening. It couldn't be.
"Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse," Sean said, removing his arm from mine and moving so he was in front of me. What was he doing? I didn't say anything, though, afraid to break Sean's concentration. I'm not even sure I could have said anything if I wanted to.
"It can't get any worse," Rick responded. I could feel his eyes on me; it felt like they were boring two holes right through me.
Sean moved closer to Rick, cautiously, "Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?"
I wanted to pull Sean back close; my eyes were darting between the gun and his back. 'I'm not worth it!' I wanted to scream at him. But I didn't.
"Figure this all out . . ." Sean repeated softly.
"It's too late," Rick said looking right at me, determined, now.
I felt chilled to the bone and I don't know who I was more afraid for, myself or Sean.
"No," Sean protested quickly. Trying one last time to reason with Rick.
Rick pointed the gun over Sean's shoulder and right at me. "I've already shot someone," he said.
Rick seemed so determined that I let out an involuntary whimper of fear. Sean grabbed the gun by the barrel and started struggling with Rick. I placed my hand over my mouth, as if it had betrayed me.
'no no no no no No No No NO NO NO!' my mind was screaming, but no sound came out.
"Stop!" Toby screamed.
I heard the gun go off and Sean and Rick fell to the floor in a heap. I tried to scream, falling back against Toby, clutching him tightly to keep my legs from giving out, but all that came out was a strangled sob. I realized on some level that I was crying, but I couldn't focus on anything but the tangled bodies in front of me.
"Sean . . ." I called softly, afraid to move closer to the heap on the floor. This was all my fault. If he had died, because he was trying to protect me . . . The mass started moving and I held my breath, afraid of what might happen next. 'Dear God, if you exist, let Sean be okay,' I thought wildly, eyes closed tightly.
I opened them to see Sean stand up, staring at his hands. They were covered in blood. His left arm, too, was noticeably bleeding. "Toby, are you okay?"
"Yeah," Toby's voice was shaky, but audible.
"Go get help. Call someone, anyone. Rick needs an ambulance," He said, kneeling next to Rick and trying to stop the blood that was puddling. Toby ran down the hall, but I couldn't move, still shaking.
"Emma, can you hand me your jacket or a cloth or something?" Sean asked. How could he be so calm? He was trying to save the person who had almost killed both of us and I couldn't move or speak. Or was that his blood everywhere?
"Emma!" He turned this time. "Are you okay?" The concern on his face was too much for me. He had just wrestled a gun away from a psychopath to try and save my life and he was worried about me. I felt the edges of my vision grow fuzzy, then dark.
The next thing I knew, my mother was stroking my hair away from my face. "Emma. Emma, honey," she cooed.
"Mom?" I asked confused. I looked up at her. "I had the scariest dream ever. I was in school and . . ." I sat up and realized I was in the M.I. lab, on the couch in the back. "Mom!" I turned around, "It was a dream, wasn't it?" I asked frantically.
She looked like she was trying not to cry. I shakily walked towards the door of the lab as it opened inwards.
"Emma! You're awake!" Dad gave me the tightest hug ever in the doorway. Over his shoulder I could see police officers in the halls, some with dogs. Some with huge guns. I could hear sirens in the background.
"Sean!" I shouted, pulling back from my dad and trying to get by. Had my last words to him been 'stay out of my life?' Right before he saved it? I needed to talk to him, apologize, thank him, something!
"Emma. Em, calm down. Sean's having his statement taken by the police right now. He's fine," Dad told me. "We brought you in here because you fainted and I thought you would be more comfortable."
I backed up until I was sitting on one of Dad's rolling computer chairs. "And Rick?" I forced myself to ask, the name getting caught in my throat. For one moment I believed that I didn't care what happened to him, but it was soon replaced with concern. He was my friend. He tried to kill you! The contradictory thoughts invaded at the same time. My mind was on over-drive; the blankness that had overcome me in the hallway was definitely a thing of the past.
"Em . . . he didn't make it," Dad said slowly.
I turned the chair to face away from my parents so they wouldn't see tears, but I couldn't cry. I couldn't think straight, either. I just kept feeling relief that it hadn't been Sean and then unbearable guilt. 'I felt sorry for you. I pitied you. Get a clue!' The words echoed in my head over and over. Three sentences. 11 words. And someone had wanted to kill me over them. Had almost killed Sean in the process. Someone who was now dead.
Mom came and sat behind me, rubbing her hands up and down my arms.
Why had Rick overreacted so badly? Why had I panicked when he kissed me? Why had I moved toward the hallway everyone else was running away from? Why had Sean stood up for me and not run when he had a chance? After all 'everything's not always about me,' right? Why couldn't the school have left Rick alone? "Why?" I asked out loud, not even aware I was doing so, my voice unnaturally soft.
"He needed help, Emma," Dad said from where he was standing in the window, moving to sit nearer to Mom and me.
"He pointed the gun right at me," I said, like a zombie, staring straight ahead, trying to stop the slide show that was repeating in my brain. The entire day, each moment where I had made a choice in slow motion. Could I have prevented this?
"Oh honey…" Mom said, moving her head close to mine, her voice almost a sob.
There was a knock on the door and I hear Mr. Raditch's voice. "Archie?"
Dad looked up, angry. "No. I am busy here if you hadn't noticed!" I wanted to tell him not to worry about me, that I'd be okay, but the words froze in my throat.
Mr. Raditch ignored him and continued. "I'm sorry. They want to know if you can get into Rick's e-mail to look for signs. Warning signs."
Warning signs? Like constant bullying? Like a kiss contest centered around me? Seriously, that one you'd think I would have picked up on! Like Jay warning me to stay away? Like the fact that he'd just been humiliated in front of the school? Like he had mildly sexually assaulted me in the hallway? Like he had returned, still in paint and feathers? Those kinds of signs? How many of them had I ignored? Could I have prevented this?
Dad scoffed. "Of course. Now the ground breaking 20/20 hindsight policy kicks into gear," he said sarcastically, getting up from his chair and moving away from Mom and me. Dad's anger was directed at Mr. Raditch, but I felt it as deeply, if not more so. Why hadn't I noticed any of these signs? Could I have prevented this?
"I have 700 students and a teaching staff that I'm responsible for everyday. Don't get on my case because one kid overreacted to some spilled paint," Mr. Raditch replied angrily, moving closer to Dad. It was more than spilled paint. But who knew how much Rick went through other than Toby and I? Mr. Raditch had 700 students to take care of. My friend list, especially recently was much shorter. What was my excuse? Could I have prevented this?
"Yeah, one kid who you've personally spoken to twice in the last two days. But did you listen?" Dad yelled back. And I've spoken to everyday. Was I listening? Why didn't I know how he would react to this? Could I have prevented this?
"Of course I did," Mr. Raditch retorted.
Dad was openly shouting now. "I bet you can't remember a word he said! This tragedy Dan, it could have been prevented if you hadn't -"
"Archie!" Mom interrupted. "Can you two do this later!" She nodded at me. I was trying desperately not to cry. If I started, I didn't think I would ever stop. With every word, with every thought, with every question I was more certain – I could have prevented this. It was all my fault. Sean almost died. Toby almost died. Rick had died. 'I've already shot someone.' There was another victim of my oversight somewhere. But who? Manny? Ashley? Paige? Jay?
"Emma, they're gonna want to speak to all of the witnesses," Mr. Raditch stopped to tell me on his way out the door, placing his arm on my shoulder.
I didn't really hear him. I just kept hearing Rick's voice in that creepy way, blaming me. 'Are you happy now, Emma? I've left you alone. You don't ever have to take time from your perfect little life to pity me again.'
Mom just hugged me tighter, like she could single handedly protect me from everything. The only problem was who would protect me from myself?