A/N: Well, I warned you it would take a while, but I'm sorry it took this long. I still don't have my laptop, but I have an entire notebook to type up once it comes back to me. Until then, here's a peace offering aka Toby chapter. Thank you everyone who reviewed last chapter. Please continue to let me know what you think. All comments are appreciated, but constructive comments make me all warm and fuzzy inside!
Also, the song isn't a perfect fit this time, but I figured it was better to get the chapter up then to spend hours researching 80's songs!
Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi . . . well, that's a whole 'nother story. I don't. Nor do I own the Cure or their songs. Not that talented.
I paced nervously outside the auditorium, quizzing myself on trivia, which is inherently stupid, because if you ask yourself a question you know the answer to you're not challenged and if you come up with a question you don't know the answer to, well, who's going to tell you the correct answer?
Nevertheless, I had only a few minutes before the ultimate test. I mean, sure, like Dad and Kate had told me this morning, getting to the finals was in and of itself quite an honor, blah, blah, blah, but the finals were the only thing that the entire school, the entire city would see on television. I had spent 4 years cementing myself as the most intelligent guy in my grade, okay, some would say nerd, but it was who I was. I was comfortable in the nerd image. What if I couldn't even do nerd, right?
I bit my lip nervously and was painfully reminded that it had been busted yesterday. I had managed to successfully avoid Spinner for the most part since breaking up with Kendra up until yesterday. Yes, she dumped me, but in my experience, older brothers usually don't care about tiny details like that. Sister cries, brother hurts someone: no thinking involved.
I couldn't believe how Jimmy tried to act the hero after the fact. Our whole Saturday detention bonding experience had lasted, oh, about all of Monday morning and while Jimmy didn't torment me, he didn't go out of his way to stop it from happening. He had been someone I thought I could count on as a friend when he was dating Ashley, but I guess he got caught up in his own life and popularity.
Just like my supposed best friend. With JT having found an equally stupid and immature companion in Liberty's little brother, trivia was all that was occupying my time these days. Unfortunately, win or lose, 'Whack Your Brain' was over after today.
'At least I have a new friend in Rick,' I comforted myself. Rick had been acting strange lately, though. The whole conversation with his mother this morning sounded like Rick was talking about an alternate universe Degrassi where intellect equaled popularity. If that high school existed anywhere on earth, Toronto was definitely not its headquarters.
Then at school he had ditched me to catch up to Emma. I hadn't heard their conversation, but it was easy for anyone to see that Emma was uncomfortable.
I still had my crush on Emma, but it had recently taken a back-burner to trivia stress and fear of Spinner and Jay. Speaking of, I watched as they met up with Alex and headed into the auditorium. Jayson Hogart, trivia lover? Spinner probably couldn't even spell trivia!
My musings were interrupted by the sudden arrival of well, everyone, from various directions and before I knew it, Mr. Simpson had whisked us off to the podiums. I was farthest from the host as directed by the TV person.
'Great, so I am officially the least attractive member of the Degrassi trivia team, hence as far away from the camera as possible,' I thought darkly. 'Think happy thoughts, Toby,' I told myself. 'Umm, farthest away from the action least likely to be in a background shot looking stupid?'
"Good morning folks and welcome to the world's favorite quiz show. We are back to attack your cranium and," the host began cutting off my destructive thought pattern.
"WHACK YOUR BRAIN!" The audience screamed. Here goes nothing.
"You got your boy Joe; we got a good game for you today. Northern High is getting ready to go up against Degrassi CS. Both these teams are ready, let's not waste any more time," the announcer continued. "Hands on buzzers. Here we go. In what Canadian city was the telephone invented?"
Rick buzzed in on my left. "That'd be Brantford Ontario."
I thought back to my earlier claim of intellectual superiority. Rick was killing me in that department lately. Yes, this was his second shot at Grade 10, so he had a little bit of a leg up on me, but I still had my pride to consider. The next question would be mine.
"Culture. Name the spicy, Spanish vegetable soup, usually served chilled!" The announcer asked.
I buzzed in and then panicked. "Uh . . ." Remember that Mexican restaurant moron, what did Ashley order? "Gazpacho!"
"Good job," the announcer said. That's it? Good job? I was so busy fretting that I missed the next question.
I did not miss the short kid from Northern's answer. "A microtone!"
Okay, so how come he's in the second spot on his side? That other girl and boy were more attractive than he was. In fact, I'd like to argue that he was the least attractive guy on stage. Maybe it wasn't by looks, maybe it was by intelligence. Was I the weak link? Was I the stupid guy? Or was I stupid and ugly?
"Tundra?" the Northern boy, Mick, answered again. I had missed another question, I was so caught up in my own self-destructive thoughts.
I took a couple deep breaths and forced myself to think about the assignment at hand.
I actually managed to answer a couple more questions right, but it was clear that this competition was between Rick and Mick. Hey, that rhymes! 'Maybe I would have been better at trivia if my parents had named me Nick,' I thought despondently.
"Good job. Northern 180 points! Degrassi right there with170 points! Just a reminder, in case of a tie each team will select one player to compete in the final lightening round." Like I said, Mick and Rick head to head. If we could answer this right. I steeled myself for the last category, willing myself to get the answer right and at least share the hero/credit glory with Rick.
"Hands on buzzers, please. Your last category sports." I felt my heart sink. Jimmy would be the one sharing Rick's winning glory. Except Jimmy wasn't ringing in. "Anyone?" The announcer prompted after tense moments of silence. Maybe no one would be the hero. After all that work, we were going to get down to the last question and lose. It wasn't fair.
Just then Rick buzzed in. "Bobby Jones?"
"Tie game!" The announcer shouted and I lost the rest of his sentence too mixed up between disappointment that it had once again been Rick to save the day and happiness that we would have a chance in the final.
Emma gave me a high five as Jimmy and Rick confirmed that Rick would take the lightning round. The sight of her smile made me breathless for a moment, like it always did.
Rick and Jimmy excused themselves to the restroom, but I stayed on stage, pretending that I was the one winning the trophy as the crowd went wild. With the stage lights reflecting off my glasses I couldn't actually see into the audience, but rather than get me down, it made it all that more easy to imagine them worshipping me.
All too soon, however, it was time for the real trivia stars to take the stage and funny-looking pretenders like me to return to their places far, far off camera.
Mick, who alphabetically was the first –ick name, went first and managed to answer four questions correctly in the 30 seconds. Get 5 questions right and win. I could do that. I knew I could.
"Degrassi, who's up?" the announcer asked. I wanted to say me, but I saw Rick already moving out of the corner of my eye.
As Rick walked by Emma, he whispered in her ear something that from where I was standing seemed to make her smile. He got the glory and the girl. It wasn't fair. I tried to remember how well everything worked out the last time I got mad at Rick over Emma. I ended up paying 5 to get shoved in a locker. Sure there had been some other events in between, but the point stood that I had learned my lesson. If Emma wanted Rick, I would do what I always did and be a good friend.
However, for my own pride I decided to answer along with Rick. To prove that I could have done this.
"The Confederation Bridge links Prince Edward Island with what Canadian province?"
I know this; I know this. Quebec right? "New Brunswick!" Okay, so Rick was ahead by one.
"A minimum of how many games does it take to win a set in tennis?"
SIX! I practically shouted remembering all those boring tennis lessons at summer camp. "Seven?" Ha, Rick, not so smart now! I reminded myself that as I was not actually participating it was in my best interest that Rick get the questions right and calmed down slightly.
"What was the original home video game console introduced in 1972?"
This one's all you, Rick. "Magnavox Odyssey!" Maybe it was a good thing I was out of the spot light this time.
"Sauron reigned over what territory?"
I thought about us breaking in my twelve sided dice with a role play of 'Lord of the Rings' just the other day. "Mordor."
"Who spent 27 years in prison before being elected president of South Africa?
"Nelson Mandela." We only needed one more answer right!
"In what Robert Bolt play does Sir Thomas Moore face a moral dilemma?"
"A Man For All Seasons!" Rick answered as time ran out.
I jumped in the air! We had won! "Emma! We did it! We won!" I shouted, trying to get in on the group hug that Jimmy had started.
"Degrassi wins, Degrassi wins!"
I started to move around the podium to let Rick into the celebration as a stream of yellow liquid poured down on Rick's head followed by the fluttering of feathers.
On second thought, maybe I was glad that I hadn't been the one to be in the lightning round. Everyone was laughing as Jimmy, Emma and I stood horrified. Even Mick the trivia loser was laughing.
Rick lowered his head and walked slowly off stage.
"Dad!" Emma called out and in a blink she was running after Rick trophy in hand. Maybe she did like him. It was hard to tell, though. Emma was always really thoughtful and kind to everyone. Although come to think of it, it had been fairly obvious when she liked Sean. And Chris. And she didn't act like that around Rick, so I guess it was just Emma being Emma.
Feeling the urge to follow her example in helping Rick combined with a courage I hadn't felt since I had told Spinner that I wanted to talk to his sister, I turned on Jimmy.
"So tormenting him in private wasn't good enough for you?" I asked angrily.
"Look, I had nothing to do with this," Jimmy held out his hands as if I could inspect them for yellow.
"Why should I believe you?" I asked challenging. The adrenaline must have been kicking in, because I was not afraid even though Jimmy could easily beat me to within an inch of my life.
"Look, you don't have to believe me, but I didn't do it. Rick's not that bad once you get to know him and what I said to Spinner yesterday was true. This whole bully thing? It's getting tired. I was just as surprised as you were."
I didn't get a chance to respond as Mr. Raditch burst through the doors. Mr. Simpson excused himself from the group of suits, but didn't quite intercept him before he reached the stage.
He looked dismayed at the puddle of yellow paint and feathers before turning on Jimmy and me.
"Mr. Brooks, Mr. Isaacs, did either of you know this was going to happen?" Mr. Raditch asked. I glanced at Jimmy.
"No, sir," I answered.
"No, sir," Jimmy echoed.
"Richard confided in me that one of his teammates was harassing him. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Mr. Brooks?"
Jimmy swallowed. "Rick and I didn't get along at first, but we reached an understanding at yesterday's practice. I didn't have anything to do with this, sir."
"Mr. Isaacs, is Mr. Brooks telling the truth?"
Well wasn't that just the question of the moment, the hour, the day? It would be easy to sell Jimmy out, but I didn't - I couldn't - believe he had been responsible for this. Jimmy had done a lot of horrible things to me and to others since he broke up with my almost step-sister. It was like he had needed Ashley to keep him in line. But for some reason, I truly believed he had nothing to do with it.
"Yes, sir," I answered.
"Well, then, I'm going to talk to the people from the studio and then we will all work at finding those responsible. I trust I can count on your help, boys?" Mr. Raditch seemed to be challenging us to say 'no,' so that he could blame the whole thing on us.
"We'd be happy to help, sir," Jimmy answered, apparently satisfying Mr. Raditch, because he moved away. When Raditch was out of hearing distance Jimmy leaned over. "Thanks for believing me."
"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to look for Rick," I walked toward the stairwell, but Jimmy's voice stopped me.
"Hey, Toby!" I turned to see Jimmy rush to catch up with me. "Tell him. . . Tell him I said to hang in there, okay?"
I nodded. Jimmy was a good guy underneath everything. Maybe Rick hadn't been too far off base this morning when he told his mother that Jimmy was his new friend. I hoped so. Rick was going to need friends after this.
With that thought in mind, I left the auditorium determined to find Rick. I looked everywhere, the boy's washrooms, his locker and the halls before deciding he must have gone home. I was walking back slowly to my locker when I saw Emma emerge from the washroom in front of me.
"Emma!" I called out. She stopped and waited for me to catch up.
"Hey, Tobes. Crazy day, huh?" She smiled, but it wasn't the one that went all the way to her eyes.
"Yeah, I think Rick went home for the day. Raditch came in after you left the auditorium. Did you catch up to Rick?" I looked at the yellow paint that was still faintly visible on her sweatshirt. Stupid question, Toby!
"Mmmh-hmm" Emma nodded making some assenting noise.
I let out a sigh. Well, at least one of us was fulfilling the friend role. "Good. I'm sure you helped him with everything. I'm going to go find a table outside. Why don't you get your lunch and meet me out there?"
Emma hesitated before responding. "Sure. I'll meet you there."
I pulled my brown bag lunch out of my locker and headed outside. I felt bad about what happened with Rick, but knowing Emma, she had probably said just the right things to make everything better. I would call him when I got home and everything would go back to semi-normal on Monday.
JT and Danny were playing dominoes when I sat down.
"Deal me in!" I asked.
"You don't deal tiles," Danny commented shooting me a look that clearly stated 'loser.'
I looked over to JT, but he just shrugged, trying not to look at me. "Sorry, Toby, we already started.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to wait till the next game," I said, trying to act nonchalant.
I had a feeling Danny was going to object, but he looked up and got a strange gleam in his eye, noticing something over my shoulder.
"Hey, baby, there's a seat free, right here," he said, in what I suppose was meant to be a suave voice.
I looked up to see who he was talking to and saw Emma visibly shudder. I couldn't really blame her, Danny was not exactly Emma's type, but I was a bit surprised that she didn't have a snappy comeback ready like normal. Maybe she was still upset about the quiz show. Emma always took everyone else's problems upon herself. I silently scooted closer to JT to make room for Emma far away from the lecherous little boy. She gave me a small smile and I thrilled a bit inside.
Danny rolled his eyes, but otherwise took his rejection in stride and I sat a little taller. It wasn't much, but she had chosen me over him.
Danny and Toby started talking about some cable TV reality show they had watched over at JT's last night. 'One more thing that you weren't invited to,' a little voice echoed in my head. I took a huge bite of baloney sandwich, trying not to say anything. 'Besides,' I rationalized, 'I couldn't have gone over last night. I was studying up on rock formations and 19th century inventors for today's show.' Wow, could I be any more of a nerd?
"When I'm on that show, you know I'm going to be the heartbreaker. I'll have girls lined up so far around the block," Danny bragged, leaning back.
I couldn't be sure, but I thought Emma snorted. When I looked at her, she still had that blank gaze she had had all lunch. I wanted to tell her that Rick would be fine, say just the right thing, but I couldn't think of anything to say, so I turned back to JT and Danny's conversation.
"See, when I'm on that show, I'll be the token movie star already, so I won't need to do anything to have the girl's waiting to fall into my arms," JT boasted.
This time, I was the one who snorted. JT looked at me sharply, while Danny laughed.
"Oh and I suppose that you would be a ladies man? Please," JT scoffed. "You'd be the virgin nerd that pines after the beautiful girl all show and then gets drunk on the last night and screws it all up." JT looked over my head at Emma and that back at me.
Message received loud and clear bestest friend.
"Yeah, well, at least my television debut doesn't have me talking about some 'dawg all up in my fries,'" I angrily said back. It must have not come out as much more than a joke, however, because Danny kept laughing.
It did break Emma out of whatever trance she had been in. "They can't air the quiz show, Toby."
Sure, she finally emerges from her daydreams only to criticize me? Thanks for the back up, Em. "Yes, they can. They just cut before the paint pours on Rick," I argued.
"Which is now officially my new favorite mental image!" JT crossed his arms across his chest as if he had just made the world's greatest joke.
"You know what? You wouldn't think it was so funny if it happened to you," I told him, my voice sounding more defeated than defiant.
"I would!" Danny added with his little stutter laugh. JT was ditching me for this creep? Was I really that bad? "And speaking of hysterical images…" he said, looking at Emma, or rather, behind Emma.
I turned and saw Rick walking towards the school still in the same clothing covered in paint and feathers.
"What's Rick doing back at school? I should go talk to him…" I was talking out loud more than anything. I looked to Emma expecting her to join me, but she wouldn't meet my gaze.
"Go right ahead," she said in that quiet voice she had been using all afternoon. So she wanted to mope about this, but she wasn't going to help?
I shot JT another glare as he laughed quite openly, as if he was to blame for Emma's actions. The sight of him laughing disgusted me and I stood, pushing back forcefully from the table.
"Rick!" I called as I left the table. He ignored me and I jogged to catch him. "Rick!" He still wouldn't turn. I placed myself right in front of him and put my hands up as if to stop him. "Look, Raditch is going supernova. He's gonna find out who did it."
Rick wouldn't look at me. "And what? Give them detention?" He sounded so defeated as he kept walking.
I took a step back, almost to avoid being run over. "Just saying, I'm sure it'd be cool if you skipped the rest of the day."
Rick looked around him at the stares and laughter. "Toby, this is the one time I actually want to be at school." He brushed past me and into the school.
I could only watch helplessly as he left a wake of laughing classmates behind his path.
I shook my head trying to rid myself the echo of his voice. I had never seen him seem so sad, like he had given up. He wanted to be at school? Had he gone crazy?
I had to find him, convince him to leave before anything else happened that could hurt him. We rejects have to stick together. I glanced over to the table where JT and Danny had put away the dominoes and were headed to class. After all, I didn't have anyone else.
I ran and grabbed my bag and started to walk towards Rick's locker when the warning bell rang. 'And now I'm late for class!' I thought angrily. Well, at least it was just Ms. Kwan. I mean, not a strict teacher, or anything. I was doomed.
As I walked into the classroom there was a video of Raditch playing. Ms. Kwan gave me a sour look, but she couldn't say anything without interrupting the very important threat from the principal.
I took the closest seat to the door that happened to be next to JT as Ms. Kwan began her lecture.
"So. Back to 1984."
JT leaned over and for a second I thought he would apologize for how he had acted outside, now that he was away from the influence of Danny. "So how's the big yellow loser?"
Well, so much for that hope. "That's really nice JT," I mumbled, looking down at the hand out.
"I hope he just gets the hint and leaves." JT smiled, but when I didn't react continued, "And uh you'll have to find a new gamer geek friend."
I paused for a minute before throwing the handout at him. The implication was clear, even if it hadn't been staring me in the face for far too long. JT was over me. I was on my own. Well, other than Rick and Emma.
I looked at the row ahead of me to where Emma kept casting frantic glances at the door. I remembered her refusal to try and cheer Rick up and wondered what exactly had been said between them when she gave him the trophy. Maybe I was giving her too much credit. It wouldn't have been the first time I was blinded to her faults by a stupid crush.
As soon as the bell rang, Emma left. I knew I had to find out what exactly had happened earlier, but JT stood in front of my way.
"I don't have time for this, JT," I said, head down.
"Toby, I wanted to say sorry. Listen, I know that you have no choice over who's on the trivia team with you. If you want to ditch the loser and come join me and Danny at the arcade after school, I'd love to have you." JT paused after this little speech and looked at me as if he expected me to fall down gratefully at his feet.
"You just don't get it, do you JT?" I looked at him and he gave me a blank look. "I don't ditch my friends, just because they're not popular."
I stepped around him, intent on finding Emma. She hadn't gone far, only to her locker.
"Emma!" I called out standing behind her. She jumped at the sound of my voice.
"Toby! You scared me." Her hand was clutched at her chest, but she turned back to her locker, dismissing me.
I knew that I shouldn't take my anger at JT out on Emma, but that little dismissive turn so resembled his behavior lately, that I lashed out. "Emma, why didn't you come with me to talk to Rick? He could really use a friend right now."
Emma still didn't turn around. "I talked to him earlier. It was your turn."
I couldn't get over how cold Emma sounded, her voice flat, without emotion. I knew now for certain that something had happened earlier, because this was not the Emma I had known for four years. "Wow. Some friend, Emma." Even I wasn't sure if I meant towards Rick or myself. "I thought you at least cared enough to tell me the truth."
As I walked away I heard her locker slam shut, but she didn't follow me. At least not right away.
"Like you tell me the truth?" The fire in Emma's eyes was more like what I was used to seeing from her, but I had no idea what she was talking about.
"What does that mean?"
She leaned on the locker next to me and lowered her voice to a normal range. "What really happened to your lip yesterday?"
I widened my eyes slightly, then looked away. Great, now I was going to have to admit to the girl of my dreams I couldn't even handle myself in the halls of my own school. "It was nothing."
Somehow she already knew, though. She always knew. "I thought we had a deal, Toby. I stay away from Jay and so do you."
I had a flash of Emma going to confront Jay over my split lip and quickly tried to say something that would stop her. "We did!" I realized too late that I had used the past tense. "We do . . ." I tried to correct my mistake, but looking into her eyes, I knew my little slip had been enough to confirm her suspicions. Time to explain before Emma went on a crusade. I didn't want to think about what Jay was capable of. I heard Emma's voice from last week as clear as day, 'He didn't do anything that I didn't deserve.' She still hadn't told me what he had done to make her agree to our deal in the first place, but I didn't want to be responsible for anything else happening.
The words rushed out as I tried to prevent the inevitable Emma outrage. "Look, I didn't go looking for him. Alex and Spinner and Jay were looking for Rick. I wouldn't tell them where he was, so Jay pushed my face into the fountain. I cut my lip on the metal part."
"No wonder Simpson was all over my case," Sean commented from behind Emma. She jumped again and I was glad to know her nerves weren't a reflection of her opinion of me. Although Emma wasn't normally the skittish type, she was acting weird today. And just now she had somehow once again deflected my concern for her and turned it into her helping me. Emma Nelson will save you whether you want it or not, but don't even try to help her with her own problems.
Sean continued, oblivious to the anger that had replaced the fear in Emma's expression. "I figured something was up, but Jay didn't exactly tell me what happened."
I didn't even have time to process what he had said, something about Mr. Simpson telling him about my run in with Jay, before Emma had gone on the offensive.
"Now you're spying on me, too?" she accused, turning so that she faced him. "Listen, Sean, Toby and I were having a private conversation, so why don't you take your Hardy Boys routine somewhere else? Just stay out of my life!"
Sean's own face hardened from one of concern to anger and I knew the next words out of his mouth would be particularly hurtful. "Emma, can something for once not be about you?"
I couldn't see Emma's expression, but I saw the way her entire body sagged as she walked back to her locker and opened it. I saw the helpless expression in Sean's eyes as he tried to decipher how such a seemingly innocent conversation had devolved so quickly into painful accusations.
Sean seemed to recover fairly quickly, however, although when he turned back to me, it was with considerably less energy than had been in his voice a moment ago. "Listen, Toby, I know we haven't talked in a while, but you have to believe I had no idea Jay was beating up on you. I wouldn't have let it happen. You and I may not be exactly friends any more, but I don't forget people who were there for me when I needed them, okay?"
I was going to respond that I wish everyone, JT in particular, felt that way when a loud sound echoed throughout the halls. I've played too many video games not to recognize that sound. A gun? At Degrassi? Couldn't be.
Sean turned and watched as several students ran past us away from the sound, but my eyes were glued on Emma across the hall from us. She was actually moving toward the noise, toward the gun. I started after her, but Sean pushed me behind him. I followed, sure it was some kind of mistake. A new amplification system for the M.I. lab perhaps.
I reached the doorway to the hall and moved to Sean's left to see better what was going on. Rick was walking down the hall, his backpack clenched to his chest with one arm the way it had been earlier. Except this time, he had a gun in his other hand. He turned when he saw us and started walking in our direction.
"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you." He had kissed Emma? That had been weeks ago in science class, hadn't it? I had a feeling maybe it wasn't what he was talking about. I looked from the gun in Rick's hand to Emma's frozen, wide eyed stare. What had happened this morning?
I looked to Sean for direction. My experience with guns was limited to computer and video games, maybe Sean would know what to do. Sean, as usual, only had eyes for Emma. He tugged on her elbow, whispering, "He's got a gun, ok; let's go!"
I moved towards the door. That seemed like sound advice. However, I wasn't entirely sure what was sound right now as everything seemed to have gone crazy. The whole world. My friend Rick had a gun at school.
"Don't turn away from me!" Rick screamed. I stopped, turning back around. I could have ducked behind Sean, but I knew that I had to do something. We were friends, weren't we?
"Glad I found you Emma. You made my list," Rick's voice was back to a quiet monotone. A list? Didn't he remember that Emma had been the one to stand up for him at school and outside of school? She had gone out of her way to include him and had lost a lot of social status in the process, no that she ever really cared about popularity.
It was up to me to inject some sanity into this whole thing. "Rick, what are you doing?" I asked, convinced this was all a big mistake. It had to be. I wouldn't even think of another explanation.
"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick continued.
I stared at the floor. Yeah, I, too, had once thought that Emma's natural friendliness meant more than it had, but that was just Emma Nelson. It was who she was. And I suddenly realized that my only friend intended to kill her for it.
I felt a chill run through my whole body and all power of speech left me. I need to say something, do something to stop this. But I was Toby Isaacs and I'd just screw it up.
"Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse," Sean stuttered, moving himself so that he was between Emma and the gun, closer towards Rick.
I closed my eyes and prayed that Sean's words would reach Rick. He may be my friend, but I had no idea how to deal with this situation. My eyes kept being drawn back to the gun.
"It can't get any worse," Rick responded. I had never seen a real gun before. I could explain to you in great detail exactly what happened when a trigger was pulled, the way the hammer hit the back of the bullet where powder caused a small explosion sending the small piece of metal at the target at hundreds of miles per hour. However, I was helpless to do anything to stop it from actually happening.
Sean moved closer to Rick, cautiously, "Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?"
Listen, to him, Rick. Please listen to him. Sean will save you. Sean will protect you. Sean will save us all.
"Figure this all out . . ." Sean repeated softly.
"It's too late," Rick said looking right at Emma, seemingly having made his decision. NO! I had to do something, anything, but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. Too cowardly. The one moment when someone needed me and I couldn't do anything more than stand there and watch this drama play out, while a litany of stupid gun trivia facts ran through my head.
"No," Sean protested quickly, but Rick just pointed the gun over Sean's shoulder at Emma. "I've already shot someone," he said.
My mind raced through the implications of those four words, five if you counted the contraction as two, as Sean grabbed the gun by the barrel and started struggling with Rick.
"Stop!" I screamed, suddenly finding my voice when it was too late, far too late.
I heard the gun go off and Sean and Rick fell to the floor in a heap. Emma fell back against me as I felt my jaw go slack. I grabbed onto her arm trying to support her from collapsing to the ground. She was safe, for now.
I tried to tell her to run, to get out of here, in case Rick emerged from the pile, gun still in hand. I wouldn't be able to do anything but watch as he killed her. I wanted to tell her this, but I just stood, staring at the tangle of limbs on the floor, afraid to move even the slightest. It never felt like this when you shot someone in a video game.
"Sean . . ." I heard Emma whisper and I started to move forward only to have Emma, clutch wildly at me as there was movement from the muddle below us.
Sean stood up and I almost started crying myself. His hands were covered in blood and I tried to fight the nausea that was welling up inside. "Toby, are you okay?"
He just saved our lives and he was making sure I was okay. I wanted to ask him if he was alright, ask if I could help in any way, but all I managed was a shaky, "Yeah."
"Go get help. Call someone, anyone. Rick needs an ambulance," He said.
I ran, unthinking, toward the office. Mr. Raditch was in the outer office talking to Sheila about next week's lunch menu.
"Call 9-1-1. Get help here now. Sean – Rick – a gun. Rick shot. Tried to kill Emma. Get help. Now." I couldn't seem to make coherent sentences. I was out of breath and it wasn't just from running. Rick had tried to kill Emma. Who was to say he wouldn't have pulled the gun on me next?
Sean had saved us. My mind replayed the events, over and over. 'I've already shot someone,' my mental Rick said and I snapped out of a daze. The office had come alive with movement and phone calls since my announcement.
"He said he had already shot someone!" I said moving for the door. The first thought in my head was for JT. He had been laughing just as hard as anyone, more so. What if he had revealed his 'new favorite mental image' to Rick between classes? I moved to the door quickly, unsure of what exactly I would do once I found Rick's other victim, but determined to try nonetheless.
Mr. Raditch's hand snaked out and caught me. "Toby, you must stay here. I have to put the school in lockdown. Who knows if Rick was acting alone?"
I laughed. Other than me and Emma, Rick was always alone. The laughter died on my lips as I realized that maybe Rick liked being alone. Was that why he was after those who had reached out to him?
"But, there's someone out there hurt; Rick said he shot someone else," I explained.
"And I have a staff member handling the situation. Now I need to meet the emergency crew so that they can go help Mr. Cameron and Ms. Nelson. Stay right here," Raditch instructed before walking out of the room.
Even in a crisis, Mr. Raditch did not rush. I couldn't tell if that was comforting or infuriating.
It didn't take long before the school was swarming with cops in bullet proof vests and large guns. The investigators took longer to arrive. I was told to wait to be questioned in a library. I was sitting on a hard chair staring at the desk when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I have never been so glad in my life to see Ashley's mother. Wordlessly I stood and threw myself into her arms. She just held on tight.
"Are you alright? They wouldn't tell me much over the phone. I called your dad and he'll be on the next flight to Toronto, he promised. I couldn't get a hold of your mother; she seems to have turned off her cell phone," Kate rambled on, but I couldn't make much sense of what she said.
I turned and sat back down at the table. "We won the trivia game." I told her looking up. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Oh, Toby!" She sat down next to me and pulled the chair in close so she could have one hand on my back and one on my arm as they sat folded in front of me.
"Rick did it, Kate. He knew every question. And at the end, when he won, this yellow paint fell from the sky. Well, from the stage lights' supports anyway. Followed by feathers. He went home and got a gun. He shot someone. Or claimed to. He tried to kill Emma."
"Emma Nelson?" I don't think Kate realized she spoke out loud until I looked at her. She looked horrified. Emma made an impression on people.
"Sean tried to talk him out of it, but he just kept saying these things," My voice caught and I thought for one terrible instant I would start crying right there in the library. "He said he shot someone, but I don't know who. Maybe he was just trying to scare us."
"Jimmy Brooks," Kate said looking at me. "Toby, I saw the ambulance take him away."
"Oh." It was the least appropriate thing to say, but between the relief that it wasn't JT and the total irony of shooting the one popular person who had stood up for him, excepting Emma, who he had also wanted to kill.
"He said 'hang in there,'" I said dully.
"What?"
"Jimmy. When I told him I was looking for Rick after the prank, before the gun. He told me to tell Rick to hang in there," I looked up at Kate, eyes wide. "Kate, I forgot to tell him when I talked to Rick. I only said like two sentences before he walked past me. He seemed like he was on a mission. I forgot to say that Jimmy wanted him to hang in there. If I had told him, maybe he wouldn't have shot Jimmy. I forgot, Kate. I forgot and now Jimmy could die!" My voice became higher and less recognizable with every word.
"Toby, this thing that happened. None of it is your fault. Rick needed help, obviously, help he wasn't getting. You are not responsible for his actions!" I believed her, mostly because I wanted to. Kate gave my arm a little squeeze and then started rubbing it as Mr. Raditch and a police officer led Sean over to a table behind me.
I looked up, but only momentarily before continuing to stare at the wood paneling of the table in front of me. Thank God Sean was alright. I half wondered where Emma was. The other half wondered what would happen to Rick. Would he go to jail? Juvenile hall? Was he still in the school? Had he been taken to the hospital?
I vaguely noticed as an older detective sat on my left. He leaned in close and I knew my coping time had apparently just ended.
"Toby why do you think he did this?" the detective asked in a gravely voice.
"I'm supposed to know?" I reacted on instinct. I didn't have anything to do with this. Just because I was friends with Rick, doesn't mean that I knew he would shoot someone. "Look, the guy's a psycho, okay? He's a total psycho."
What did that make me? A psycho's friend? A psycho in training? A psycho's sidekick like Robin to Batman?
"Was he bullied? Teased?" The detective continued.
What a stupid question! I answered angrily, "Always! Every day. Constantly."
My vehemence didn't stop the flow of questions. "What did your friend do when someone - "
I interrupted then, "Look he's not my friend. He's a psycho! And he's not my friend!" I buried my head in Kate's chest trying to avoid any more questions. Maybe if I said it enough I'd believe it. Cause Rick couldn't be my friend. Then we'd have to have things in common. I did not want to have anything in common with someone who could shoot Jimmy and try to shoot Emma.
"I'll give you some time…" I heard the detective murmur. But there wasn't enough time in the world. There wouldn't be a time when I wanted to answer these questions. Not ever.
I don't know how long I sat there clutching Kate. It felt like forever and at the same time like no time had passed at all. I had gone into an almost trance like state, not thinking about anything, beyond thought. I thought that if I lifted my head there would be more questions. Questions I didn't want to answer. I didn't see Emma at all, before we were ushered out of the school. I faintly wondered if she was alright.
Kate had to wait before they would let Ashley out for us to leave. Plus, the detective had told Kate that if we went out early we would be ambushed by reporters. By waiting until all the students were leaving it might be easier for me. It was a good idea. It didn't work.
"You were the gunman's friend. Do you know who he was after or why he did it?" A reporter with a gray jacket and pointy eyebrows asked me. I wasn't his friend I wanted to shout. But everyone knew that wasn't true. Even strangers like the woman in front of me.
"I don't know," I answered methodically, aware of Kate's hands directing me forward away from the camera.
"Did you try and stop him?" She asked this in the same way one might ask 'How are you?' Or 'do you want fries with that?'
"What was I supposed to do!" I shouted turning. He had a gun on one of my best friends. I thought he was one of my best friends. What should I have done? What could I have done?
But the reporter didn't have any answers for me. No one did.
"Let's go," Kate murmured, tugging on me to follow Ashley.
"Did the gunman say anything before he died?" the reporter pushed herself in front of me, but her words brought me up short.
I looked into her eyes, trying to see if she was lying, trying to get a reaction out of me. She just continued to look at me expectantly. "Died?" I repeated.
I don't know why, but I had imagined that, as scary and frightening as this was, that it would be over after a while. Jimmy was in the hospital, but he would be fine. Rick would get help and have to leave Degrassi, probably forever, but I would visit him on the weekends and let him know I thought he could do it.
I was vaguely aware of Kate pushing me into the front seat of the car and I automatically fastened the seatbelt. Next thing I knew, Ashley was shaking my shoulder. We were home. He died? He was dead. He tried to kill Jimmy. He tried to kill Emma. He was dead.
I got out of the car only to realize we weren't home at all. We were at Emma's. I looked to Kate for an explanation.
"With your dad out of town, I thought it would be easier . . . not to be alone right now," Kate floundered over the words as Ashley walked up the stairs. I didn't ask where my mother was. It was easier to pretend that she hadn't heard than to deal with my abandonment issues right now.
Keep the victims together right? Discuss parenting strategies. Dr. Spock didn't have a book on how to help your child who has witnessed a violent murder. Or was it suicide? Did Sean shoot Rick? Did Rick shoot himself? Did it matter?
I walked past Ashley into Emma's house and into the kitchen where Emma's family was gathered watching TV. I sat myself in front of it, hoping for more information. Hoping for new information; information that would tell me the reporter at Degrassi had been wrong.
Kate, Emma's mom and Mr. Simpson went into the living room to talk about us. Ashley called the hospital to talk to Paige like every 10 seconds. I stared at the TV willing someone to tell me it had all been a mistake. That Rick would be fine. That none of this had happened.
But every station said the same thing. Pizza was ordered and delivered. No one ate. The sun set, but we didn't turn on the lights. Each of us was lost in his or her own world when the woman that told me Rick died, whose name apparently was Rachel Rhodes, led of the six o'clock newscast.
"Following this afternoon's double shooting one student is dead and another remains in serious condition. The suspect, a 16 year old boy, whose name cannot be released was the student found dead at the scene." Suspect? Was there any doubt? Rick shot Jimmy. Rick brought the gun. Rick died. No grey area to be found. Every time the woman said 'dead' – so clinical and detached – I closed my eyes. Didn't she realize what her words meant?
"Toby, maybe you should turn that off now," Kate asked. I guess watching the news non-stop was getting on her nerves. I shot her a look, but I complied. Maybe she was trying to save me from watching my horrible guppy face in my real television debut. Beat that JT, I made the news and a trivia show. Although, maybe now Emma was right. Now they definitely can't air the quiz show.
I realized Emma's mom was talking and tried to rein in my scattered thoughts. "People do not get shot at Degrassi. They just don't." But no matter how many times she said that, it didn't make it untrue. It didn't make what had happened go away. Jimmy got shot at Degrassi. Rick got shot at Degrassi.
I could have sworn I saw Emma roll her eyes. "You talk about Degrassi like it's achieved sainthood. It's a school!"
"That's my point," Ms. Nelson said, her voice wavering as if she would start crying at any minute. Funny, but I didn't feel sad. Because none of this had really happened. But it had.
"Look we just didn't…none of us took Rick's bullying seriously enough. It would be an understatement to say that he was unpopular," Mr. Simpson's voice had taken on lecture quality.
I tried not to laugh, because nothing about this was funny. Was it? "Unpopular!" I scoffed. Understatement of the year, more like.
"How about full on psycho! Certified freak? The guy made us a lead story on the 6:00 news." Ashley spoke up.
I stood up abruptly and placed the remote on top of Emma's TV, none too gently. Like Ashley knew Rick. Like Mr. Simpson or Ms. Nelson did. All these people debating him like he was just another news story. Just another statistic. What did they know about Rick and why he did this? I was his friend, his only friend, and I was bewildered by it. How could they know anything?
"Ashley…" Kate warned.
Apparently Ashley was sick of walking on eggshells around me and the subject. She finally exploded with what I'm sure she had been holding in for a while, had been building with every phone call to Paige. "He shot Jimmy, mom! I want an answer. Who was this guy who shot him, if not some psycho!"
I left Emma's house slamming the door behind me, not waiting to see if I would be followed. I had called him a psycho only a few hours before, but that was what made the whole thing so . . . so wrong. Because he wasn't a psycho. He was Rick. He was a boy. He was my friend. And in spite of everything he had done, everything he had tried to do, in the end, he was dead.
So Mr. Simpson could lecture and Ms. Nelson could cry. Kate could try and protect me and Ashley could scream about him being a psycho. But none of us would ever know why.
I found myself in front of the school, where a small memorial had been set up. There were candles and flowers and people. I wondered briefly how many of them were there for Rick. If he had brought a gun to school and just shot himself would they be there? How many of them were thinking about their own behavior and what it had caused someone to do? How many of them would continue to tease and mock and bully on Monday, or maybe out of respect, not until Tuesday, giving a one day mourning period?
I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew it was Emma before I even turned to acknowledge her. Because even though someone had tried to kill her, she couldn't stop caring about everyone. She wouldn't stop caring about me. I tried not to let her see the tears running down my face. I didn't remember starting to cry, but I was.
A girl I had never seen before added a poster with pictures of Jimmy and I couldn't handle it any more. I turned to Emma and we sobbed together. Only one thought, one word echoed in my head. I turned once more to look at the poster again.
'Why?' it read. Why?