A/N: I warned you it would be a while. However, this chapter is super long, so hopefully that makes it worth it. Still no lap top (crossing fingers for next week), so I make no promises. I have storyboarded (outline movie style) the entire thing, so it's really only a matter of having the time and word processing capability.

As for all my amazing reviewers. . . wow. 100 reviews. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to tell me how much you like this, particularly those of you who have cited specific examples. I really do appreciate it.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Pet Shop Boys, Sean Cameron or Degrassi. But if I did own Sean Cameron . . . well, I have rated this PG-13, so you'll have to use your imagination.

I walked down the empty hallway of Degrassi, backpack slung over one shoulder. The halls were incredibly empty for it being right after school, but I only half noticed. I was looking for someone.

"Please, no," I heard Emma whimper as I approached the end of one hall.

I turned the corner and saw Jay had her by the shoulders pushed up against the lockers. I watched helplessly as he reached down for a rough kiss.

"Stop!" I shouted, but Jay didn't react. I ran down the hall, but it seemed to get longer and longer.

"Stop, please. Please," Emma's voice was choked with sobs, frightened as he worked his hand into her hair, tilting her head back to suck on her neck. I don't think I've ever seen Emma afraid of anything, even situations where she probably should have been. Each word she whispered stabbed at my heart, but I couldn't reach her.

Jay pulled her to him for another kiss and then slammed her hard back against the locker. Her head hit the metal with a sickening thud and fell limp at an awkward angle. Jay let her go and she slumped to the ground.

I stopped where I was, all breath gone out of my body. Too horrified to move or speak. Only one thought rang through my head. 'This is all your fault.'

Suddenly, I was on top of Jay. Grabbing hold of his shoulders, I pounded him into the ground, punch after punch landing on his chest, his stomach, his face.

"Sean," I heard someone call out, shaking me from behind. I stood up, looking down at the bloody mess I called a best friend. He lowered his arms from his face and I saw my own face staring back at me.

"NO!" I screamed, sitting bolt upright on the couch, my pillow falling to the ground.

Ellie jumped back from where she had been trying to shake me awake. "Sean? Are you alright?"

I didn't answer at first, concentrating on getting my own breathing back under control. I was still shaken from the nightmare image of Emma's body slumping to the floor. All your fault. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Bad dream?" Ellie sat back down on the couch next to me, taking one of my hands in both of hers.

You think? I wanted to retort, but I bit my tongue. I never was a morning person. "I don't want to talk about it."

Ellie rolled her eyes and dropped my hand, standing up immediately. "15 minutes till Jay picks us up for school. Something about not wanting to be late for some trivia thing."

What? I tried to make sense of a sentence that involved Jay and trivia, before giving up and moving to the more obvious problem that I faced. My girlfriend hated me.

Okay, so maybe that's not the right way to put it exactly. Lately, however, the phrase "we don't talk anymore" had become more and more common around the apartment. I didn't see how we talked any less than we had before we moved in together, considering we now spent nearly every moment of every day together, but according to females of my acquaintance that wasn't the same thing.

Girls.

The other, fairly obvious problem was that I, quite frankly, couldn't tell her what was on my mind. Ever since Jay's drunken fight with Emma, I couldn't get images out of my head of the two of them, whether awake or recently in my dreams. Sometimes, like the dream I had just awoken from, a drunken Jay was seducing/abusing Emma. Other times, Emma seemed to be enjoying, even instigating, encounters with Jay. I couldn't decide which dream I liked less.

I'm fairly certain that when Ellie said we needed to talk, that wasn't what she had in mind. 'Hey Ellie, I've been distracted by nearly constant thoughts and dreams of my ex?' I don't think so.

It's not like I wanted to obsess about Emma Nelson. I had been there and done that for over two years. I didn't want to dream about Emma. I didn't want to think about Emma. Ellie and I were happy together. I finally lived with someone who understood me, who loved me. Yes, being two sixteen year olds living on our own presented certain, er, challenges, but we were doing all right. No matter what, though, I couldn't shake this feeling of impending doom where Emma was concerned.

"Ten minutes!" Ellie shouted from the bedroom. After the world's quickest shower and a chocolate pop tart, I found myself face to face with Jay who pulled up in his little orange civic.

I hadn't seen him since our run in yesterday.

Flashback

I was pacing in front of Jay's locker, a can of formula from the shop that Mr. Ehl had loaned me, gripped tightly in my hands. I knew that whatever Jay, Alex and Spin would plan, it would not be good news for Mr. Murray.

What was he thinking with the big X on the car? You don't mess with a guy's car. It was like the holy trinity of what not to mess with: a guy's girl, a guy's car and a guy's mom. I pushed down thoughts of the last time I had seen my own mother. I guess there were exceptions to every rule.

Still, Rick had made a pretty major mistake in targeting the two guys who were most likely to go hunting for revenge. I had nothing against the guy in general, although the thought of what he had done to Terri still bothered me. She wasn't a friend, but she was a good person and no girl deserved what Rick had done to her.

'Whatever, Cameron,' a little voice whispered. 'You're just worried that old Ricky boy is up to his old tricks with your tree hugger.' The voice in my head sounded suspiciously like Jay as I tried to think of anything but Emma. I had enough problems of my own; Rick was on his own against Jay.

"Sean." Mr. Simpson's voice jolted me out of my thoughts. "What are you doing still here?" he asked. I started shifting my weight between my two feet, almost pacing in place, if you will. It was almost like he knew I had been thinking about his daughter. I liked Mr. Simpson, don't get me wrong, but he was still Emma's step-father and anyone could see that I was not the kind of guy you want your daughter to bring home. Even after this summer, even though Emma and I hadn't dated in almost a year, I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't good enough around him.

"I'm just waiting for Jay, Mr. Simpson," I said, lowering my eyes to the ground. If I looked at him, I was afraid that he would know that Jay was up to something. I wouldn't rat out my friend, but at the same time, I would prefer not to take the blame of whatever harebrained scheme the three of them would come up with.

I wasn't expecting what he said next. "Toby just showed up for 'Whack Your Brain' with a bloody lip, Sean."

I looked right at him for a moment, surprised, before looking away. So that's what was holding up Jay. I tried to keep my anger in check as Mr. Simpson continued, "So you don't know anything about that."

That pissed me off. Of course I didn't know anything about it! Did Mr. Simpson know me at all? "What are you saying Mr. Simpson?" I met his eyes this time, trying to prove my sincerity. "Toby and I aren't friends anymore, but I would never . . ."

Mr. Simpson cut me off, holding his hands up as if to stop my words. "I'm not saying you would. I'm just saying that maybe you should remember that every action causes a reaction. I'd hate for things to get out of hand like they did last year."

I looked back at the ground for his lecture, a death grip on the cleaner. Mr. Simpson was smarter than anyone at this school gave him credit for, both administrators and students. He knew exactly who was responsible for this and also knew that I wouldn't let him get away with it by reminding me of last year, not only of how I had hurt Emma, but of my personal lowest point. It doesn't get much more out of hand than stealing from a dying man. But I couldn't let him see that I got it. That would be admitting Jay's guilt. If there was one thing I believed in, it was loyalty. Unfortunately for Jay, that meant to Toby, too.

"Sean . . ." Mr. Simpson's voice sounded exasperated, but it couldn't be helped. It was the code. Well, mine anyway.

I looked over my shoulder nervously. Jay should have been here a while ago, even with an apparent stop to beat up Toby.

"Never mind. Toby needs ice," Mr. Simpson sighed, moving on.

So Jay thought that he'd get back at Rick by beating up on Toby? Not cool. So far, in this whole Rick thing, the only people who had gotten hurt were Toby and Emma. I didn't want to see anyone else caught in the crossfire. As much as I didn't like rocking the boat, I didn't like seeing relatively innocent people get hurt.

'And Emma has nothing to do with it, right, Sean?'

I ignored that voice as the others finally reached Jay's locker. I shoved the can at Jay, anxious to get away before I exploded. It would be better to handle this situation when I was calm. "Man, just rub a little of this on a rag and you'll be fine. I gotta catch up with Ellie." I started to walk away, but something told me that whatever Jay and the rest of them had planned for revenge, it would happen sooner rather than later. With Alex involved, and her strange rivalry/obsession with my ex, I didn't doubt Emma would be involved somehow. I couldn't let this thing go.

Coming to a decision, I turned around and motioned at my supposed best friend. "Jay?"

"Sean, not in front of my girlfriend!" he joked. I willed myself to take a breath as he followed me down the hall. Jay always made lewd comments, no need to take offense now.

I waited until we were out of Alex's sight before I turned to face him. No need to bring her and her weird Emma rivalry into this at least. It would tell her that I had noticed it. That I had noticed Emma.

"You and I are cool, right?" I asked, trying to keep my composure.

"Listen, if this about you wussing out about paying back that little jerk-off, then yeah, we're cool. It wasn't your car and I know you've got other stuff to worry about without getting caught." He sighed. "If we get caught tomorrow, you're clean."

I raised one eyebrow at him. So he was planning something soon. "Get caught doing what?" I asked, automatically, then shook my head. I couldn't be distracted. "You know what, never mind that. As much as I appreciate it, that wasn't what I meant. What did I tell you about Isaacs?"

I thought I saw a glimpse of surprise and guilt flash across, Jay's face, but it was quickly replaced with his trademark smirk. "This is about your ex-girlfriend's nerd shadow? Are you kidding me? Look, that little wimp needs to know how to respect authority."

I fumed at the way he brought up Emma so carelessly, but even more at how he insulted Toby. Toby was a certified nerd, true, but he was also the most loyal friend at this school hands down. Just because he wasn't popular or cool . . .

I leaned in towards Jay, slowly at first, so as not to alarm him, and then swiftly brought my forearm up to his neck pinning him against the row of lockers behind him. "Cameron, chill, what's your deal?" he choked out.

I kept my voice quiet; I didn't want to have to repeat myself on this point. "I don't know what you did to Toby, man, but if I ever find out you were screwing with him again, I don't care how cool we are; I will hurt you."

"Yeah, yeah." Jay pushed me away roughly. I could see him fight the urge to rub the place on his neck where my arm had been moments before. "Listen Cameron, save your big brother act for someone who cares. Both of us know who this is really about."

I started to retort, but stopped myself. Looking in Jay's eyes, I saw that he got my message, even if he didn't want to admit it. We understood each other far too well.

End Flashback

"So Cameron, you coming or what?" Jay asked.

I looked at him for a moment longer, before Ellie pushed past me. "Well, I'm getting in," she said exasperated. She pushed the button on the side of the front seat, springing it forward, before shoving into the backseat. She stared out the window, snapping her rubber band.

Great, once again, my daily reminder that I'm a shitty boyfriend, brought to you by the letter 'J' and the number '3.' "Get in the car, Cameron," Jay said, looking away.

"Yes, mother," I sarcastically shot back, but I was smiling.

Jay winked at me and I knew all had been forgiven. He was speeding towards school before my seatbelt was even on. He looked over at me and then back at Ellie. He got the light in his eye he always did before saying something he thought was particularly clever, aka hurtful, so I cranked up some form of loud, angry music, saving me from any awkward conversations. Jay laughed, but didn't complain, soon screaming – er – singing along.

Before I knew it we were at school. "Get out, I got a trivia game to catch," Jay muttered.

"What?" I asked. I suddenly remembered Ellie saying something about the trivia game earlier this morning. Rick was on the trivia team. 'If we get caught tomorrow, you're clean,' Jay had said. Emma and Toby were on the trivia team, too. "Jay, I swear if you . . ."

Ellie got out of the car and looked at me pointedly. "What are you two talking about?"

"Nothing," I replied automatically. Ellie rolled her eyes and walked away, pushing me out of her way.

"Wrong answer, I guess, Seanie-boy. Trouble in the crypt?" Jay asked.

I stared after Ellie's retreating form and then back at Jay laughing at his own joke. I had to fix things with Ellie, but could I leave things as they were and trust Jay? I still didn't know exactly what he had done to Toby yesterday to make him bleed.

I heard the sound of a 'snap, snap' in my head and knew that I had no choice. Even if I wanted to make sure Emma – I mean, Toby – was safe from Jay's prank, Ellie needed me.

I slammed the door to the civic angrily. "Remember what we talked about!" I shouted, running after Ellie. I just had to hope that the warning was enough to prevent a disaster.

The important thing was to get to Ellie before she got to Ashley. Marco would give me the benefit of the doubt, but Ashley still blamed me for breaking Emma's heart at the end of the year party at her house after Grade 7. Never mind that Ashley herself had started our little make out party, it was completely still my fault somehow two and a half years later.

Girls.

Ellie was alone in front of her locker and I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I had won a race, until I saw Ashley approaching from the opposite end of the hall. Shit.

"Ellie!" I called loudly, rushing to get there first.

"Oh, so now you're talking to me? Or do you just stop by to tell me you still had nothing to say?" She didn't even look at me, busy pulling books out and into her backpack. Meanwhile Ashley was getting closer to us the entire time. I could only handle one angry female at a time. It was hard enough knowing Emma was perpetually pissed at me, even if I hardly saw her.

Thinking of Emma reminded me of the one way guaranteed to fix things with Ellie quickly. I swooped in for a kiss. She resisted at first, but eventually kissed me back.

I pulled away and whispered, "I'm sorry, El. Let's talk about it tonight when we get home."

I'm not sure if her eyes danced at the words 'let's talk' or me calling our ferret-infested apartment 'home,' but I was happy to see that twinkle either way.

"What's wrong with right now, Sean? We have time before homeroom," she asked excitedly. I guess it was the 'let's talk' part after all.

"Ellie! Thank goodness I found you. I am in desperate need of girl talk." Ashley swept in at that moment. And to think I was dreading her arrival!

I could see Ellie start to protest, so I cut in quickly. "She's all yours, Ash. I have her to myself every afternoon and night. No sense hogging the days, too."

"Sean, are you sure?" Ellie asked.

"Positive. I've got Simpson's M.I. class first, so I'll just surf the net until our mandatory morning television viewing today. Have fun!" I leaned in for a shorter version of our earlier kiss before taking off down the hall.

Catching a glimpse of Ashley's face I knew she was trying hard not to glare at me as I walked away. She was failing.

I laughed as I headed off to Media Immersion. The lab was open, with an older woman, whom I could only assume was the substitute, already sitting at Mr. Simpson's computer. I nodded at the sub and took my seat. I spent the few minutes left before class started surfing the internet staring at the latest model of Mustang. A guy could dream, right?

All too soon, however, the sub, a Ms. Jost, according to her whole class announcement, instructed us to pay attention to the video monitor. "Whack Your Brain" filled the screen. I kept one eye on the Mustang page I had been checking out and one eye on the TV so as not to get in too much trouble with Ms. Jost.

I heard Jimmy's voice answer a question and I turned to the TV. Our stupid rivalry over the past four years made his voice all too familiar. Right then the camera panned the audience and I saw Spinner, Alex and Jay in the audience. What the hell were they doing there? Nothing good could come from this.

I had already taken two steps to the door when Ms. Jost called me back. "Young man! Young man, take your seat!" She called.

I froze debating my options. I could leave and draw attention to myself and undoubtedly take the blame for whatever the three stooges had probably already set up, or I could return to my seat and trust that Jay somewhat valued my friendship. Or feared me. Didn't really matter which, as long as one worked.

"Please, young man, do not make me call Mr. Raditch," the woman shrilled behind me.

I sat down. Chances are it was far too late to change whatever was going to happen and I might as well give Jay the benefit of the doubt. 'If you can't trust your best friend . . .' I didn't finish the thought, afraid of what that said about my life.

I had just made peace with my decision when another voice I would recognize anywhere came over the TV speakers.

"Franz Ferdinand," Emma answered. I heard in the background noise Jay's distinctive wolf whistle and almost jumped out of my chair again. This time, however, there was a hand on my arm, restraining me.

"Chill out, Jack in the box," JT hissed, sliding his chair closer to mine.

"JT, let go of me, now." My voice was quiet, but strong.

"No." I shot JT a glare and was somewhat gratified to see him gulp. Now if he would only let go of me, so I could pound something. JT continued anyway, "Listen, I don't know what your deal is, but charging the quiz show isn't going to do anything but get you in trouble and Emma, if this is even possible, which I doubt, even more upset with you. She's a big girl and she's taken care of herself for oh, about 15 years now. Whatever it is, let it go."

JT removed his arm and slid his chair back into place in one fluid motion, like an animal trainer releasing an alligator or deadly snake. I smirked at him, but knew he was right. Emma would be beyond angry if I messed this up. Plus I couldn't really afford to get in trouble after barely passing last year. Once again, where I wanted to be and where I needed to be were completely different places.

I sat back in my chair and sulked for the rest of the quiz show, watching intently to see if the cameras would once again show Jay and reveal his plan to me. He had to be up to something. Jay and trivia just didn't jive. Spinner and trivia was even funnier. It was like seeing the three of them at a Star Trek convention hosted by cheerleaders; the two of them were beyond out of place.

While they didn't show them again, the camera did focus on Emma an awful lot, especially considering she didn't answer another question. It seemed like the camera man was drawn to her; every frame that would be lag time was a close-up on my ex-girlfriend.

Not that I could blame him. The two girls from Northern were beyond plain and the guys on both sides, with the exception of Jimmy, fit the trivia nerd stereotype to a tee. Emma on the other hand seemed to shine on camera. The lights of the stage highlighted the blond in her hair making her seem almost angelic and her smile when her team got a question right was stunning. Even when she was troubled, and she would bite her lower lip in a gesture that I remembered all too well, she looked unbelievably endearing.

But her eyes betrayed her. It was impossible for me to have obsessed about this girl for as long as I had and not be able to read her moods. Something was bothering Emma. Sure, she looked like she was in the moment as much as anyone, but the way that her eyes kept flashing from Rick to the audience, with what was a little too similar to a deer in headlights look, had to be due to more than just a reaction to the stage lights.

I think I was the only Degrassi student who wished Degrassi would not tie it, trying to will this entire thing to just be over uneventfully.

"Bobby Jones?"

Well, so much for that thought.

Finally it was the lightning round. With every moment that went by and nothing had happened, you'd think I'd have calmed down and attributed my earlier concern to paranoia. Instead my apprehension grew with each passing second.

"Degrassi, who's up?" 'My boy' Joe asked and the camera focused on Rick as he made his way around the podium. He paused to whisper something to Emma and her whole body tensed, her eyes looking anywhere but meeting his gaze.

"Young man, sit down this instant!" Ms. Jost once again shouted. Except this time it was directed behind me, to JT. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides as he glared at Rick's on-screen image.

I swiveled in my chair and sent him a look that said later. He nodded, understanding my message and sat back in his chair, slowly. Both of us would handle this, but not now. JT may seem a bit of a practical joker, but I knew that he thought of Emma as a little sister. Both of us would pay a little visit to Rick after the show. Right now, I was more worried about Jay and his payback scheme.

After whatever Rick said to Emma, I wasn't entirely sure I would mind Jay's revenge scheme as long as no one else got hurt in the process. The camera once again showed the audience in anticipation and I noticed with a start that Alex was missing. I somehow doubted it was due to a bathroom break. Whatever they had planned was going to happen now.

The next thirty seconds seemed to take forever. The camera was only focused Rick, so I couldn't see if Alex had returned to her seat or not. The words went over my head, though, I was so caught up with worry.

Suddenly though, a great roar came from the on-screen crowd. "Degrassi wins! Degrassi wins!"

I stopped worrying for a minute as the camera focused on Emma again. She seemed startled for a moment before Jimmy swept her into a massive bear hug, which brought a huge smile to her face. Suddenly Jimmy and my rivalry didn't seem so stupid and I remembered all the reasons why I had disliked him for four years.

The camera soon returned to Rick, who, for the first time I had ever seen, seemed to be truly happy. When the yellow started to pour from the sky my first thought was that it was confetti gone horribly wrong. Some way to celebrate winning a trivia game. Nerds were weird.

From the look on everyone on-stage's faces however, this was not a normal occurrence. I had just enough time to register the look on Rick's face before the TV screen was replaced by a still frame saying the live feed was experiencing 'technical difficulties.'

Technical difficulties named Jay and Spinner. I said a quick prayer of thanks that Jay had kept his word and Emma and Toby had been let out of it. But I knew I had to find Rick. Maybe other people had dismissed his facial blankness as sadness or despair. I knew better.

I had been there. So far down that you don't see the point in anything. There was no telling what you would do when you got to that point. Craig had tried to kill himself by playing chicken with a freight train. Me, I deafened a kid, got sentenced to three years probation and moved out of my home to Toronto. I haven't even spoken to my parents in four years. It was hard to know your own mother didn't love you enough to help you when you needed it most.

There was no telling how Rick would react. Given his history, I didn't want to find out. I flashed back to Grade 7 and shoving Emma away from the fight. If she hadn't caught herself, if her head had hit a rock or sharp piece of metal . . . Rick and I were more alike than I wanted to admit. I needed to talk to him. No one else at this school would understand.

I could hardly wait till the bell rang ending first period. I jumped out of my seat, intent on finding Rick and trying to help him before he did something stupid. I may not like the guy, but I understood him and didn't that make me somewhat responsible for helping him?

I felt a hand on my arm restraining me. "Was that great or what?" JT asked, laughing.

"Or what," I answered, pulling my arm away and walking out the doorway.

"Are you kidding me?" JT followed at my heels. "Did you see what he did to Emma? I know you did. That little freak got exactly what he deserved." He paused to flex his arms in front of him, cracking his knuckles. "And neither of us had to get our hands dirty."

I had forgotten about Rick upsetting Emma, so caught up in my sudden connection to Rick. I wavered for a moment, before thinking about it from all sides. I was pretty sure the Sean Cameron in Wasaga, before Emma, wouldn't even have thought to try and help Rick. Emma had changed me to the point where such a thought was foremost in my mind. And I was pretty sure she'd want me to help now. In fact, if I knew Emma at all . . .

"I gotta go." I walked away from JT quickly, now more determined then ever to find Rick. Because if I knew Emma at all, she would try to help him herself. And there was no telling what he would do.

I walked toward the auditorium. I knew it was a long shot that Rick would still be there, but I had to start somewhere. I reached the double doors to the auditorium, as Jimmy came through them. His face showed he was looking for a fight. I knew that face all too well, also. Well, wouldn't you know it? Seems like conflict brings out the Sean Cameron in us all.

"What are you doing down here?" His voice was tinged with suspicion.

"I'm looking for Rick. Have you seen him?" I didn't have time to deal with Jimmy's paranoia, not right now. I flashed to an image of Emma lying on the floor of the hall from my nightmare. I didn't have time to deal with Jimmy Brooks.

"Why? So you can finish off what you started?" He asked angrily.

I tried to keep myself from rising to the bait. "What the hell does that mean?" I failed.

"Come on, Cameron. The entire school knows you and Jay are connected at the hip. So after ruining the one thing this guy has going for him, what are you doing for a follow up?" Jimmy took a step closer to me, trying to be menacing, I suppose.

"Look, I don't have time for this. Believe what you want to believe. But if you're looking for Jay's accomplice, I'd look a little closer to home," I shoved past him, but his voice stopped me from entering.

"What does that mean?" He echoed my earlier question, unconsciously.

"Why don't you go ask your good friend, Gavin?" I started to open the door, but Jimmy grabbed me and spun me around sharply.

I pushed him away from me. I didn't want to fight him, not right now, not ever again, but I would defend myself if I needed to.

Jimmy just held his hands out. "Look, man, I'm sorry. I believe you had nothing to do with this. But I would not go in there. Raditch is looking for a fall guy and it would be all too easy to pin this thing on you."

I looked at him for a moment. He made a good point, but we had never been friends. What was the catch? I heard a little voice in my head that sounded like 'give him a chance.' It sounded like Emma. Great, some people have angels and devils on their shoulders, my angel is my ex-girlfriend and my devil is my best friend. 'Maybe you should switch where the ex- goes?' Angel-Emma suggested. I pushed that thought away. Not now!

"Do you know where Rick is?" Didn't I already ask this like two minutes ago? I didn't want to spend all of lunch playing back and forth with Jimmy.

"Nah, man. He left right after and Emma went after him with some trophy. Toby tried to catch up with the two of them, but I don't know. I'm sure Raditch told him to take the afternoon off, you know?" Jimmy babbled on, but my mind focused on the fact that Emma had followed him. I had to find them; I just knew something was going to happen. I can't explain how I knew, I just knew.

"I gotta go," I echoed my earlier statement to JT, leaving before he could respond. I did a complete search of the school and turned up absolutely nothing. Finally, standing on the steps outside the main doors I spotted Emma and Toby eating lunch at a picnic table. Rick was no where in sight.

I let out a sigh. Rick must have gone home. Well, that was a huge waste of time. So much for my just knowing something would happen. 'That is why I don't bother to try and help people. Just a big waste of time,' Devil Jay whispered.

I turned to walk into school. Well, I had about twenty minutes left to try and eat something.

"Sean!" I heard Ellie shout as I turned towards the cafeteria. So much for the idea of eating lunch during lunchtime.

"Sean," she repeated as she caught up to me. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you all lunch period. Alex and Jay are missing, too, and some people are saying . . . well, you didn't have anything to do with that prank did you?"

I stared at her in disbelief. How could she ask me that? I thought she knew me better than that. "I haven't eaten lunch. I have to go," I said, turning away.

"Sean!" She stretched my name out so that it was almost three syllables. Three syllables of whining and disappointment and accusations.

"No, Ellie!" I turned back around, angrily. "I didn't have anything to do with what happened this morning. If you understood me at all, you wouldn't even have to ask."

"Well, if you talked to me at all, maybe I would be able to understand you!" Ellie shouted back. Why in every relationship I am in, do I always have to be the bad guy? I guess I had been the one who wanted her to grow a backbone, but this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

"I said we would talk tonight. What more do you want from me?" I asked. Ellie just looked back at me, hurt in her eyes. Damn, I always fall for puppy dog eyes. "Listen, come with me to get my lunch and we'll chat. I really do need to eat before I pass out."

"Riiiiiiight," Ellie said, but she was smiling. I guess the thought of big, bad Sean Cameron fainting was an amusing one.

I left her at a table as I went through the lunch line. All that was left was some congealed mac and cheese. At least there was still chocolate milk. Food, glorious food. 'One more reason to give up the do-gooder life, moron,' Devil Jay whispered. 'Like Sheila's food is that great even when it's freshly made,' Angel Emma replied. I couldn't handle it – they were in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my school!

"Get out of my head!" I didn't realize I had spoken out loud until I saw Ellie give me that concerned face of hers as I sat across from her.

"Talking to yourself isn't that insane," I justified. "It's when the voices answer that you have to be concerned."

She looked at me, eyes wide for a moment before realizing I was joking and laughing along with me. It was good to hear her laugh. It had been far too long.

"So what did you want to talk about? I'm warning you, that for the first ten minutes of what ever subject you choose, I'm going to be silently enjoying my – er, lunch." I picked up a forkful of macaroni and watched it slide onto my plate. "Make that the first five minutes." With that statement, I put a forkful of the disgusting stuff into my mouth.

I must have been hungry because it didn't actually taste that bad. Oh, it was bad, alright, but not that bad. That could also be because all I had eaten all day was a chocolate pop tart.

"Sean, the whole point of us talking was for you to open up to me about what's been bothering you lately. I can't do that for you. I want to be here for you, I do, but how can I, when you won't even tell me what's wrong?" Ellie asked. "I mean, things are going on in my life, too, you know. I know my mother was horrible to you, but she's really not that bad when she's sober. She's been calling from the clinic with horrible guilt trip messages. And then this came in the mail yesterday. She must have forwarded it to me."

I paused shoveling the lumpy pasta in my mouth for a minute to glance at the letter Ellie held out to me.

To my dearest Ellie,

I know it must seem like forever since you've heard from your old man. Let me assure you that I miss you just as much as I know you miss me. Whether I'm in the mess hall, or on patrol or drilling, I am constantly thinking about you and your mother. Knowing that you are there to help your mother is such a comfort to me. I'm so proud of how well you've grown up, even if I'd had to miss some of that lately. My beautiful, independent girl.

Look at me, getting all mushy in a letter. On to the important stuff. Your Uncle Jeff says 'Hi' and that he is watching my back out here. The desert is really beautiful at night. You can see more stars then you can imagine in existence. Each night I look for the brightest one and hope that it shines stronger than those Toronto city lights so that I know you can see it to. I hope that high school is treating you well. Just remember, no boys allowed until I come home to make sure he's good enough for my Eleanor – yes, I know that no one ever will be and I do trust your judgment – it's teenage boys I don't trust. If one gets fresh just remember what Uncle Jeff promised you . . .

Take care of your mom for me and write back soon, honey.

I love you,

Dad

I looked up at Ellie. "Jeff? I thought your mom's sister was your only aunt and uncle combo."

"Jeff's been in the same unit as my dad since I was little. Uncle in name only," she snatched the letter back quickly.

"What's he gonna do to me?" I asked, smiling.

"He threatened to castrate any boy that broke my heart." I choked on my chocolate milk, sending a spray all over what was left of the mac and cheese. Ellie laughed. "Are you okay?"

"Well, I promise not to break your heart." I pushed my tray away. Funny how the threat of . . . that will ruin your appetite. "Geez, if only you had told me you had a psychotic Godfather before I asked you to move in!" I laughed to show the statement was a joke, but Ellie just stood up and walked away.

"Ellie!" I started after her, before realizing my half eaten lunch was still on the table. I doubled back for it and quickly dumped it in the trash container. As I walked through the cafeteria doors I heard laughter behind me and realized Rick had walked in the other side of the cafeteria. Damn it, why did these things always happen at the same time?

Choices. Choices.

I ran after Ellie. "Ellie! Wait up!" I shouted catching her in the main foyer.

"Listen, I didn't mean that. I asked you to move in because I love you, not because I thought you were easy or anything." Ellie's face flinched and I realized that I may actually be making things worse. Would this day never end? I just want to have one day where I wake up without having crazy dreams, where I don't think about Emma, where Jay behaves, where I manage not to piss off my girlfriend, where I eat something that doesn't taste like old socks and where I can just RELAX! One stinkin' day! Is that too much to ask?

Apparently it is. Because now Ellie was crying. "Look, Sean, you don't have to say anything at all. It's fine really."

I shook my head, half in frustration, half in . . . okay, all frustration here. "No, El, it's not fine. You're not fine. You wanted to talk and we're talking. Don't run away from this." I reached a thumb up to wipe away a tear. "Don't run away from me."

She smiled as she brought up a hand to lay on top of mine, drawing it away from her cheek, then shyly, on tip toes, kissed me softly. "I love you, Sean Hope Cameron."

"And I love you." I didn't hesitate, even though both the Angel Emma and the Devil Jay were screaming 'liar!' I did love Ellie. Didn't I? I definitely cared about her and hated seeing her upset. That was love, right?

'Explore the meaning of life later, Socrates, focus on the problem at hand,' I reminded myself. "Now you know that and you know that I wanted you to move in and you should know me well enough to know when I'm joking with you, as I was a moment ago. What's really going on?"

"Did you read the letter, Sean?" Ellie sat down on the stairwell step despondently. "How he goes on and on about how proud he is of how independent I've become and what a help I am to my mother? I ditched my mother, Sean! When the going got rough, I got going – as far away as I could! And independent? I wouldn't even make it through a day without slicing my arms open if it weren't for you and Ms. Sauve. It's like lately all I do is lean on other people! I mean, now, here even, I wanted to be there for you and help you through whatever it is you're going through – and don't even tell me you're fine, Sean, you've woken up screaming from nightmares twice this week – and instead I turn it into all about me. All about how you can help me. And then –"

"Ellie, breathe!" I interrupted, sitting next to her and pulling both of her hands into mine. "Don't worry about me. I'm not fine, but I will be. And as for your dad, your mom has had plenty of time to write him and tell him about the fire and rehab and everything else in between. She hasn't. Think about why."

Ellie shook her head back and forth wildly. "I don't know. Because she doesn't want him to worry? Because she doesn't want him to be disappointed in me the way she is?"

I was exasperated with how self-destructive she was being, but I forced my voice to stay low. "No," I replied shaking my head. "Because she knows the truth now. She knows that it is up to her to be the adult in your relationship, not you. And she's getting help so that she can come back and take care of you." I once again thought of creative ways to kick Mr. Nash's ass as a welcome home present if he ever returned. Take care of your mother! 'She's 16, you moron!' I wanted to shout at him.

I sighed before continuing. "She doesn't want your father to be disappointed in her. He could never be disappointed in you. It's obvious he adores you. Who wouldn't?" Ellie smiled again and I felt a rush of relief. At least I could still do something right.

"Sean," she whispered. "What would I ever do without you?"

"Well, you don't have to worry about that now do you?" I gave her the patented Cameron lopsided grin. She reached up and kissed me again, nothing shy or soft about it this time.

The warning bell rang at that moment cutting off what could have been a truly awesome make out session. Ellie pulled away, looking guilty. "Sean, I didn't even have a chance to help you with what's been bothering you lately. I know you said that you'd tell me about home when you were ready, but I just thought that maybe you need to tell someone, even if you're not ready."

"You think I've been worried about my parents?" I blinked at her in disbelief.

She looked back at me confused. "Well, I did . . . until a moment ago, when you said that. Now I'm pretty sure not."

"Look, Ellie, I am not going back to them and I don't want to talk about them!" I took a breath to try and force myself to calm back down. "Let's not fight about this. My parents and me . . . it's complicated."

Ellie sighed. "Fine. Get yourself to class." I started down the hall when I felt her pull me back for another long kiss. "I don't want to fight either," she whispered, pushing me away.

As I walked off to class I knew that I had that stupid Sean Cameron smile on my face. You know the one I'm talking about. The 'I can't believe I'm so lucky, but I'm not going to argue' one. I think I wore it for like two weeks after my first date with Emma.

My next class passed in a blur and all too soon, I was off to shop class. My favorite time of day. Maybe today was looking up. Yes, the morning had started off horribly, but now that Ellie was no longer angry with me and I was on my way to my favorite class, it was seeming to be a-okay.

As I walked down the hall, I couldn't help overhearing snippets of conversation.

"No the answer would be a sub n equals 62."

"I don't have time to learn about Warren G. Harding, idiot. Who cares about obscure U.S. Presidents anyway? We live in Canada!"

"Are you sure he's single?"

"No way, man, Halo 2 is way better than Half-Life 2!"

"Emma, why didn't you come with me to talk to Rick? He could really use a friend right now." Toby's voice was carrying down a side hall and stopped me in my tracks. Of course, merely the mention of Emma could do that to me. But Rick . . . I had almost forgotten about Rick.

"I talked to him earlier. It was your turn." Emma's voice sounded strange, pinched almost and I risked walking towards their voices, trying to figure out what exactly was going on. Emma wasn't the type to be intimidated, so something had to have happened.

Apparently Toby picked up on it as well. "Wow. Some friend, Emma. I thought you at least cared enough to tell me the truth," he said his voice growing softer as he moved from my end of the hallway.

Thinking the conversation was over, I started to head back down to the shop. I couldn't understand why Emma was lying to Toby. What had Rick done to make her nervous? The sound of a slamming locker halted me in my tracks and I turned back around as Emma's angry voice carried down the hall. "Like you tell me the truth?"

Emma angry was something I was pretty sure only Manny and I had ever experienced. Maybe I could jump in before she alienated one of the few friends she had left. I don't know why I wanted to help her; I guess I just figured it was the least I could do to make up for bringing Jay into her life and everything else. I walked back down, quickly and actually turned the corner this time.

"What does that mean?" I heard Toby ask.

I moved closer, not wanting to reveal myself as yet.

"What really happened to your lip yesterday?" Emma asked, leaning on the locker next to him. Her voice had calmed down.

Okay, so Emma can take care of herself, I was reminded once again. She's not stupid. I did, however, want to hear what Toby's answer was. Cause Jay sure wasn't talking.

He looked away. "It was nothing."

"I thought we had a deal, Toby. I stay away from Jay and so do you."

Why would they have made that deal, unless . . .

Two things had to have happened. One, Jay had terrorized Toby before yesterday and two, Toby had found out about the after school – um, conflict between Emma and Jay? He wouldn't have been stupid enough to confront Jay about it, would he? I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach. He would. Toby may be lucky that all he had was a bloody lip.

"We did! We do . . ." Toby must have realized he slipped, because he rushed to explain. "Look, I didn't go looking for him. Alex and Spinner and Jay were looking for Rick. I wouldn't tell them where he was, so Jay pushed my face into the fountain. I cut my lip on the metal part."

"No wonder Simpson was all over my case." The words slipped out before I could stop them. Emma jumped about a mile and I remembered they hadn't known I was eavesdropping. Oops. Well, now they did. I had wanted to talk to Toby today, to let him know that I wouldn't let Jay mess with him. Looks like now was that chance. "I figured something was up, but Jay didn't exactly tell me what happened."

"Now you're spying on me, too?" Emma spun around, anger firmly back in place. "Listen, Sean, Toby and I were having a private conversation, so why don't you take your Hardy Boys routine somewhere else? Just stay out of my life!"

Oh, that was rich! Bring up the Nancy Drew comment from last year will you? I was now almost positive Toby wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for her! And since when was she the only one who could help Toby? Her little deal hadn't exactly kept Jay away from him, but my method would.

But none of those semi-rational thoughts came out. Instead I lashed out. "Emma, can something for once not be about you?"

Emma's eyes grew wide with surprise and hurt and all the anger just deflated inside of me. I flashed back to the last moment of my dream. All this foreboding and shit I had felt about was bogus, because in reality, the only person who would hurt Emma was me. I was the only person who had ever hurt her. And I couldn't bring myself to stop.

Jay told me to stay away from her; Alex told me to stay away from her. I'm pretty sure Ellie would have told me to, if I had asked. And now Emma had asked. And I would have to respect that, for her own sake.

Toby was still staring at me, pity in his eyes. I did not come over here to have Toby feel sorry for me. I forced my face to go blank; I was good at that.

My voice was flat, but still strong. "Listen, Toby, I know we haven't talked in a while, but you have to believe I had no idea Jay was beating up on you. I wouldn't have let it happen. You and I may not be exactly friends any more, but I don't forget people who were there for me when I needed them, okay?" Okay, so I have officially surpassed my sap quotient for the day. It was necessary, though. I could see Toby light up.

He had just looked up, mouth half open to respond when we heard the gun shot. For a minute I thought I had imagined it. I mean, I may be Degrassi's version of a tough guy, but I had only heard a gun go off one time, when Old Man Lloyd shot himself back at the trailer park in Wasaga.

That's the thing about guns, though. You hear one once; you'll never forget that sound. Some people say it sounds like a car back-firing. Those people have never heard a gunshot.

Toby recognized it, too, I could tell the way his eyes got wide. A gun at school? We had to get out of here. I watched as several kids ran by us, away from the hall I had stood in not moments before. Maybe it was a good thing I hadn't headed towards shop, after all. Okay, so now I knew which direction to go towards. I turned to Toby, to tell him to get out of here, but he wasn't paying attention to me at all.

His eyes were stuck on Emma, who was moving towards the hallway where the kids had fled from. Damn it, Emma, what are you doing? I found myself wishing for the first time ever that Emma hadn't been quite as sheltered as a child, so she might have some small bit of common sense!

Speaking of no common sense, Toby started to follow her. I reached out my arm, so that he was behind me as I moved closer to Emma. It was like she was in a trance of some kind. I remembered the one movie night where Emma had made me watch all her favorite Disney films. I had mumbled and grumbled and complained, but there was something a little bit fun about making out with her while small woodland creatures sang and frolicked on screen. Her movements now were right out of Sleeping Beauty, walking after that glowing green light.

Emma froze suddenly and I moved a bit beyond her to see what had made her stop so suddenly.

Earlier I had wondered what Rick would do at his lowest moment. I now had my answer. Rick was crossing in front of slowly and methodically. In his right hand he was holding a gun.

I knew suddenly that my earlier instincts had been right. It was like a horrible victory. Good news – you were right; bad news – someone may be dead now. Because I was certain that Rick shot someone. 'You just had to follow Ellie when you knew what Rick was going through . . . you saw it in his eyes and you chose your girlfriend? Why, so that you could get some later? And now someone could be dead.'

SHUT UP! I shouted internally. I had to do something, now. I had to get Emma and Toby out of here and quick.

"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you," his voice was all one tone, but it was the words that caught my attention. He had kissed Emma? 'FOCUS, Sean!' I shouted internally. We were standing in the doorway, we could probably make it out easily if we left before he got any closer. Why wasn't Emma moving?

I grabbed at her elbow and tugged gently trying not to alert Rick into reacting. "He's got a gun, ok; let's go!" Somehow I seemed to have gotten through to her because she followed my motion towards the door.

"Don't turn away from me!" Rick screamed. I tried to keep Emma moving toward the door, we could be around the hall and safely out of the hallway before he even brought the gun up, but Emma had turned back. I followed her, not moving my hand from its death grip around her elbow. Realistically my hand on her arm wouldn't protect her from much, but having my hand there comforted me somehow, like if I could just keep contact with her everything would be okay.

"Glad I found you Emma. You made my list." Rick's hand on the gun was shaking, but he was moving ever closer. Instantly my focus shifted from getting both of them out of there to saving Emma. This wasn't some spur of the moment rampage. Rick had thought about this. Rick had formulated a list. Rick wouldn't hurt Toby. But for some reason he had turned on Emma.

I glanced at Emma as Toby spoke up, trying to communicate with her some kind of plan. "Rick, what are you doing?" Toby's voice was shaking. The look on Emma's face was pure terror and it hurt to see it. Emma was always so strong, so brave. But she had turned into a statue of fear.

"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick continued. I was breathing heavily now. With each phrase Rick was coming closer and closer. With each second Emma was running out of room and time.

Emma turned to me slightly, her eyes going impossibly wide as she stared at the gun. I felt like I was trapped in my dream again, except this time it was real. And this time I couldn't fail Emma. It was up to me. I had to do something.

My voice was shaking as I moved in front of Emma, placing my body between the gun and her. "Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse." I left my hand at Emma's side as long as possible, but let go so that I could protect her better. As soon as I was separated from Emma, I felt a wave of fear wash over me, my confidence shattered. If Emma's life was in my hands, she was as good as dead. After all, what had I ever done, but hurt her?

"It can't get any worse," Rick responded. Rick wouldn't even look at me; his eyes were focused on Emma. I had to get through to him, to make him see that I knew exactly what he was going through. 'You mean when you shoved Emma to the ground? Or when you deafened Tyler? Face it, you're nothing but a loser.' This time the voice of doubt was not Jay's but my own.

My mind flashed to a picture of Emma in her bridesmaid dress, hair wild - right before our first kiss. I had to try. "Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?" With each word I stepped further from Emma and safety and towards Rick. If I could just get him to look at me, to see the understanding in my eyes, I knew I could get through to him.

"Figure this all out . . ." I repeated softly, stuttering in fear. I watched as Rick lowered the gun. I was so close to getting to him, but I knew that anything too sudden would spook him.

I don't know what happened, but I saw something change in Rick's eyes and I knew I had once again failed. 'It's my life,' I had once told Mr. Simpson in Grade 7. Now he would know it was the truth, in the worst way imaginable. "It's too late," Rick said staring at Emma.

"No." My whisper was more of a plea. No! My head echoed loudly. Each moment seemed to last hours and at the same time was gone instantly.

Rick pointed the gun at Emma so that the barrel was right over my right shoulder. "I've already shot someone," he said, his voice determined. I turned to stare at the barrel. Rick may have already killed someone with this gun. He wanted to kill Emma.

I heard Emma gasp in fear and I did what I have done so many times before, I made a choice. This time the choice was clear. I reacted without thinking, grabbing the barrel of the gun and pulling it down, trying to twist it out of his grasp. I was a champion wrestler once, but that seemed another lifetime ago and I didn't have to worry about a gun, back when I wrestled for Degrassi.

I heard Toby screaming in the background, but the words were muffled by the pounding of my heart. The longer we struggled, the more likely it was that . . .

The gunshot was unbelievably loud at close range and my eyes flew open wide. Rick shuddered or was that my body shaking? For a minute I wasn't sure what exactly had happened as I felt a warm liquid seep through my sweatshirt and jeans. Had I? The thought was too embarrassing to contemplate. I sagged to the floor, from fear or Rick's weight or some combination of the two and landed hard on my left arm. I felt something tear into my arm and for the first time felt pain.

"Sean . . ." Emma's voice was so soft I almost thought that I was dreaming, but the pain in my arm reminded me that this was real. And I was alive. But the gun? I shifted my weight, slowly, afraid to accidentally set off the gun again, or worse that Rick would stand up and continue where he had left off, with me in too much pain to do anything but watch helplessly.

I stood up gently, extricating myself from Rick and placed myself between Emma and Rick's prone form. I had won round one, but I wasn't yet completely convinced there wouldn't be a round two. Emma had her eyes screwed shut, but Toby was staring at me. Or more specifically, staring at my hands. I looked down to see that my hands were crimson in blood. Looking down, I saw I had similar stains on my sweatshirt and jeans. Rick's blood.

I had never been big on blood. Usually I got extremely nauseous. For some reason all I could think of was the fact that I had someone else's blood on me. Blood that I may have caused to spill. I had a vision of me hitting Tyler again and again until his blood covered my hands. And then . . . I had to do something and quick.

"Toby, are you okay?" I asked. My voice was surprisingly calm sounding, a total lie of the feelings going through my system.

"Yeah," Toby's voice was shaky, but I heard him.

"Go get help. Call someone, anyone. Rick needs an ambulance," I knelt next to Rick and looked for where the blood was coming from, not even looking to see if Toby had followed my advice. In my experience, the police were not likely to believe the word of a kid that had just gotten off probation for hurting another. This mistake could mean real jail time. I had to stop Rick from bleeding. But there was already so much, on me on the floor. I needed something to stop it. My sweatshirt hadn't been washed in far too long, infection wouldn't be long in following.

I brought my head up quickly, searching the hall and realized Emma was still there, staring at me. In my flurry of activity I had almost forgotten about her. Her eyes were open now, wide and I noticed she was slightly shaking, hugging her sweatshirt closer to herself. Her sweatshirt!

"Emma, can you hand me your jacket or a cloth or something?" I asked, taking my own off. I could use hers against the wound and then add my own to add pressure. I didn't have much boy scout first aid experience, but it sounded like something they would do on TV. Emma still hadn't responded however.

I looked up at her. She was so pale and silently sobbing, her entire body shaking now, almost convulsing. "Emma! Are you okay?" I had never seen her like this and I grew concerned. Had Rick had a back up plan? What else had this psychopath done to her?

Emma's eyes fluttered shut and her whole body seemed to sway before she crumpled to the floor. "EMMA!" I shouted, immediately moving towards her, before remembering my plan.

It always came down to a choice.

I pulled Rick's shirt away from his chest and pressed my sweatshirt against the wound, hard. The bleeding slowed, but continued, soaking through the thin material. It looked like the whole was right over his lungs. I couldn't be sure, but I didn't think he was breathing. I checked his pulse and there was nothing.

He was dead. Rick was dead. He had been shot. He had pointed the gun at Emma. I had moved the gun. He shot. He died. Had I killed him?

That thought jarred me out of my action plan and I jumped away from his body like I had been shocked. I moved over to where Emma lay in a position sickeningly similar to my nightmare. I lifted Emma till she was lying in what I assumed would be a more comfortable position, before I checked her pulse. It was steady. She must have fainted. I moved her into my arms, not wanting to wake her. It would be bad enough waking to this nightmare; she didn't need to see Rick's body, also.

Having her lie against me seemed to make the panic and fear disappear. I brushed her bangs away, staring down at her face. It was like she was sleeping. I flashed back to all the movie nights we had had at her house. Sometimes she would pick and I would pretend to hate whatever sappy love story or musical she would make me watch. I couldn't bring myself to hate the animal documentaries she loved so much, there was too much science that I secretly enjoyed. I would always pick a horror movie or violent action film, not so much because I liked them, but to have Emma curled up next to me, burying her face in my shoulder during the gory or violent moments.

During one particularly bad movie where I don't think Emma had seen more than two minutes of film, it was so bloody, she had fallen asleep in my arms. I had just watched her, content to hold her in my arms. I promised myself I would always protect her; keep her as innocent as she looked when she was sleeping.

Who knew she mostly needed to be protected from me? Maybe today I had made up for everything else I had put her through in some way. I hoped so.

At that exact moment, the hallway was suddenly flooded with EMTs and police officers. "We've got another one, maybe, two!" A man in a uniform screamed into a walkie talkie. Another knelt down next to me and slowly lifted Emma out of my arms.

I scrambled up to stand next to him. Again as soon as I lost contact with Emma I was nervous again. "I think he's dead. I tried to stop the bleeding, but there was so much blood. He wasn't breathing. He had no pulse. I didn't know what to do. He brought a gun. He wanted to . . ."

"Shhh . . ." Another man placed his hands on my shoulders from behind. "Let the medics work here. Let's get you someplace safe." School was no longer safe. He started to propel me towards the office, but I refused to move.

"Emma, she fainted," I told the man holding her, not sure what else to say. "Her Dad's classroom is right there, I think . . ."

"The school is in lockdown, son," the man behind me indicated. "We need to get you guys out of this hallway."

I acted like I hadn't heard him. "He has a prep period now. Please. I don't want her to be afraid when she wakes up."

The man holding Emma nodded, seeming to understand. "Agent Collins, why don't you secure the perimeter? I've got these two."

"Sure thing, sir." And suddenly the mystery ghost behind me had disappeared.

"Why don't you show me that classroom, son?" the man with Emma asked.

"Can I?" I indicated Emma and he handed her back to me. Immediately my peace of mind returned. Great now I needed an Emma security blanket.

Looking down at her, she seemed so tiny, so fragile. I realized how close we had all been to losing her today. I thought back to last year. What had I called her? Environmental crusader, baby-sitter, nurse? All those people who needed Emma. All those who had almost lost her and may not even realize it yet.

I turned back down the hallway I had stood in only minutes before arguing with Emma. It seemed like another lifetime.

Her locker was still open, the door swinging slightly. An officer must have knocked into it. With their bulky forms it would be easy to do. The M.I. classroom was in the same hallway and through the glass windows I saw Mr. Simpson was pacing behind his desk. I indicated the door and the man, who I now noticed had white hair, older than I would have thought possible, opened the door without knocking.

"Emma," his voice came out choked and he moved towards me, but I ignored him, moving to a couch in the back.

The older man must have restrained him, because I was alone as I lay Emma down on her Dad's couch. I made sure she was comfortable, brushing the hair away from her eyes once again. My fingers lingered on her cheek just a moment longer than was necessary. I wasn't even with Emma any more and I would have died for her. I may have killed for her. What did that say about me? What did that say about her?

"I'm Captain Lyon with the Toronto police department," I heard the older man introduce himself. "From the emergency calls we received it appears a student brought a fire arm to school and shot a young man and himself." I didn't bother to correct him. They would know the real story soon enough. I might as well have one more moment with Em before they took me away.

"Your daughter and this young man appear to have witnessed his suicide," Captain Lyon continued.

Mr. Simpson, although showing great restraint, had by this time made it to the back of the room and I stood up. "Emma fainted, Mr. Simpson," my voice which had been so sturdy before was cracking and breaking like I was 13 again. "I'm sorry. I tried . . ."

I don't even know what I was trying to say, but he knew somehow, just by looking at me, what had happened. Before I knew it I was in a Mr. S bear hug. "Thank you, Sean. Thank you so much."

I pulled away embarrassed by the show of affection from a teacher. How had he known? I looked at the floor, at the walls, anywhere but at him directly.

"Young man, are you all right?" Captain Lyon asked. It took me a minute to realize he was talking to me.

"What?" I asked rather dumbly.

"Sean, you're bleeding!" Mr. Simpson said, holding my arm up so that he could see the cut better.

"When I fell, I must have cut myself. I'm fine, really Mr. S," I argued. Not like Rick. Rick was dead. 'Better him than Emma,' I thought, forcing all thought from my brain. It wasn't difficult. My head was surprisingly thought-free for the most part. My arm didn't hurt anymore. Nothing hurt anymore.

I was numb, I realized. I shrugged. Numb was better than dead. Or was it the same, except with a heartbeat?

"Let's get that arm bandaged up, just to be safe," Captain Lyon said, gesturing toward the door. I looked over my shoulder at Emma. Should I leave her? She hadn't stirred yet. How long did people stay out when they fainted? The Captain seemed to read my thoughts. "Your girlfriend will be fine. Do you really think she wants to see you this way?"

I didn't bother to correct him about me and Emma, too busy looking myself over. The black of my jeans only did so much to hide the blood stain. My arm was now dripping with my own blood. He was right. Emma didn't need to see me like this.

As we started towards the door, Ms. Nelson walked in. "Archie?" her voice was like a cry.

"She's fine, Christine," Mr. Simpson reassured her, rushing over to pull her into a hug. I heard them whispering as Captain Lyon and I moved toward the door.

"Sean." I heard Ms. Nelson's voice and stopped. She put her hands on either side of my face cupping it. "I'm not sure what happened out there, but I know you saved my baby. Thank you!" She started to sob and I hugged her awkwardly.

Didn't anyone get that I had killed someone? Yes, Emma was safe, but I couldn't help thinking if I had done something differently or said the magic word, Rick would have put the gun down and we all could have gone for a milkshake. Okay, maybe not, but he would still be breathing. I had failed. Again. Just like my mother and father, I was destined to screw up. And in less than five minutes two people had thanked me for it?

I had to get out of here before I went crazy. But the captain was watching me like a hawk, so I merely extricated myself from her grasp and walked towards the door.

"Sean!" This time Mr. Simpson's voice stopped me. "Let me come with you. I don't want you to be alone right now."

I wanted to tell him to stay with Emma, but my voice had stopped working. The cold numbness that had invaded my arms had spread to my throat it seemed. So I merely nodded.

Walking through the halls of Degrassi was odd. It was empty and silent except for the footsteps of men and surprisingly animals. Dogs, which I was told were sniffing for bombs, by the suddenly chatty Captain Lyon, walked with officers in riot gear and large rifles. I should have felt scared, but I was too numb to notice.

Mr. Simpson was ordered to leave me when I arrived at the medic station. He told me he'd stay as long as I wanted, but I could see in his eyes he wanted to get back to Emma, so I let him go.

It didn't take long for the EMT to clean my wound which had traces of gun powder and slight burn marks. Apparently I had fallen on the gun with my whole weight plus Rick's which had torn up my bicep. I guess I was lucky the gun hadn't gone off twice but it was hard to feel lucky right now.

Mr. Raditch arrived as I was bandaged up and took me to a table in the library where I noticed Toby was already sitting with his sorta step-mom. Emma's parents were here. Toby had someone. I was on my own yet again. Why would my parents want to associate with me, world class loser, certified killer?

Captain Lyon asked if I needed to call anyone, my brother perhaps. I started to tell him about student welfare and my living arrangement, but I didn't have the energy required to give a proper explanation. I just shook my head no.

All too soon it was my turn to be interrogated. I told the detective exactly what had happened. I followed Emma; Toby followed me. I repeated the conversation verbatim, surprised at how strongly those words had imprinted themselves into my memory. I guess I'd have those words with me forever. I told him how with his last words Rick had pointed the gun at Emma, that I had struggled with him, that the gun had gone off.

Rick was dead.

Surprisingly, they didn't lock me up right away. I didn't complain. I'm sure they would take their time and build a solid case first and arrest me later. Of course, in my new life as an ice statue I couldn't do much more than raise an eyebrow in surprise.

"You'll have to wait till the lockdown is over to leave," Captain Lyon said, as he and the detective stood up. He leaned in close to me. "I don't know where your parents are right now, but I'm sure they're proud of you. You did good, son."

For some reason his words didn't feel condescending and for the first time I began to hope that I wouldn't be blamed for this somehow. Before long, Raditch's voice came over the loudspeaker. "The lock down is over."

I didn't hear the rest of his message; I was out the door and on the way to the M.I. lab. Re-telling the story had just made me realize how close I had come to losing Emma. I needed to see her, to see for myself that she was okay. The lab door was closed, the lights off and empty.

"SEAN!" I felt arms encircling me from behind and turning realized it was Ellie. My girlfriend. Who I convienently had managed to forget. Who I had not thought of since we left each other at lunch when I said "I love you." In my moment of greatest need, when your life is supposed to flash before your eyes, I didn't even remember my girlfriend. Was that love?

"When we heard there was a shooting . . ." She hugged me tighter. "And then when Sauve came and got Hazel, for a minute I was relieved you know? Isn't that horrible? I feel horrible for Jimmy now of course, but for that one moment . . ."

"Jimmy?" I repeated dumbly. 'I already shot someone,' Rick's voice echoed in my head. But Jimmy had been willing to fight me when he thought I was behind the prank. And Emma had been nothing but kind to Rick since the ribbon campaign had ended. What had made him target those who had helped him? Maybe I had saved Toby, as well.

"Let's get out of here," Ellie said as another officer with a large gun opened the classroom across the hall. I nodded, following her. "What happened to your sweatshirt?" she asked.

I flashed back to Rick's body on the floor of the hall, my bloody sweatshirt wadded on top of him. I shuddered and kept walking right out the door, not answering.

As I descended the steps I saw Captain Lyon give Ellie a funny look. Or maybe the look was at my arm draped around her waist. I nodded at him, but gave him no further acknowledgement. Parents and reporters were in a huge clump, swarming around the ambulances to push towards the front. It reminded me slightly of the end of the year dance last year, except less fun. By a lot.

Ellie and I stood staring for a minute, two loners without anyone looking for us. On our own.

"There he is!" I heard a voice shout and before I knew it flashes were going off in front of my eyes.

I didn't wait to hear what the reporter was asking me, grabbing Ellie's hand and sprinting through the crowd till we reached the street. "Sean? What?" she gasped for air, confused.

I heard a car to slam on the brakes in front of us and forced myself to slow down. Only one near death experience per day, I guess. To my surprise, it was Jay's civic. The door popped open and Alex climbed into the back. Ellie followed. "Well?" Jay asked. "Us outcasts gotta stick together!"

I heard the reporters behind me getting closer, finally having their long camera wires wound through the path Ellie and I had cut through the crowd. I jumped into the car and Jay sped off tires squealing. It was a while before anyone spoke.

"Why were those reporters after you, Sean?" Ellie broke the silence when we were almost at our apartment. She couldn't have waited a little longer?

"Rick brought a gun to school." My voice sounded gruff, I guess from a lack of use. "He tried to shoot Emma. I stopped him." I noticed Jay's grip on the steering wheel tightened until his knuckles were white.

"What?" Ellie shrieked. "Are you okay? Is Emma okay? Rick . . ."

"Is dead," I finished, turning away, willing her to stop talking.

"Sean," Ellie started, but I saw Alex shush her out of the corner of my eye. I guess not even Alex has something bad to say about Emma when the subject is serious enough.

Before long we reached our apartment. I got out without saying a word, forgetting to put the seat up. I heard Ellie making apologies for me and thanking them, but I just stood at the door waiting for her. The door was locked. I didn't have my keys out. I just stood there.

Ellie came up to the door and unlocked the apartment. I went inside and turned on the TV, flipping towards a news channel. Maybe they would have answers. Maybe they would show Emma. I wasn't sure which I wanted more. I needed both.

I could hear Ellie pacing behind me. She was in the bedroom, then she'd walk to behind the couch as if she was going to say something, then she'd walk back to the bedroom. I breathed a sigh of relief every time she walked away. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I don't know if I ever would be.

"Following this afternoon's double shooting one student is dead and another remains in serious condition. The suspect, a 16 year old boy, whose name cannot be released was the student found dead at the scene." I recognized the woman as the one who had been talking to Toby as we left Degrassi. Rachel Rhodes herself apparently. At least Jimmy was alive.

"From all accounts the accused was a quiet child, one who kept much to himself. He had few friends." Understatement of the year, that. Ordinarily I would have laughed or had a smart ass comeback. Tonight I just stared.

"We are told he was the star of the show, single handedly winning the competition only to be doused with yellow paint and feathers by fellow students on camera," the reporter droned on as Ellie finally sat next to me, rubbing her fingers up and down my arm. I know I was staring at the screen unblinking. But I alternated between over-thinking and completely un-thinking. Had this all been Jay's fault? Emma could have died. I could have died. I didn't want to think about that.

Ellie put her head against my shoulder. I know she was trying to help, but I wanted to be alone right now. Or with Emma. What if she needed me again? 'Yeah, Cameron cause after fifteen years of life and 3 years of you hurting her, she's likely to need to be rescued from crazy gunmen twice in the same afternoon by you and you alone.' Point taken.

"That afternoon the suspect returned to school with a handgun. The principal, Daniel Raditch, who is a veteran educator and has been at a teacher at Degrassi Community School for more than twenty years reportedly asked the accused to take the afternoon off. It was then that the rampage started. For currently unknown reasons, the accused hunted the halls for his teammates. He shot one in the back and was about to fire upon another when the gun was wrestled from his hands." Rachel Rhodes wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. The things I needed to know were left unsaid; the questions were either unanswered or, worse, unasked.

I wanted to know if Emma was alright. I wanted to know if I would be facing murder charges in the morning. I wanted to know why Rick had gone after the people had helped him the most. Why hadn't he targeted Jay or Spinner or Alex?

But mostly I wanted to know what I could have done differently. What could I have done to change this?

"Sean, let's turn this off. You need to eat something," Ellie's face in the flickering blue light of the TV was scrunched into lines of worry. I looked at her blankly, the same way I had been staring at the TV.

I need to eat? How the hell did she know what I needed right now? Had she had a madman's gun pointed at her? Had she felt the bullet rip through another guy's body? A guy who was now dead? Dead was forever.

"Sean?" Ellie was shaking me now, apparently she had still been talking to me. I shook her off, turning back to the TV as Rachel Rhodes' TV station took us a live feed of Degrassi. Someone – a lot of someones it seemed had created a shrine – with flowers and candles. I wondered how much of it was for Rick.

The camera panned the audience and I caught a glimpse of Emma and Toby, holding each other along the edge of the group. Emma was alright, well, as alright as she would be for a while, tears streaming down her face. I was glad they had each other.

I flashed back momentarily to this morning when I had watched Emma and Toby on the quiz show. 'He was the star of the show, single handedly winning the competition only to be doused with yellow paint and feathers by fellow students on camera,' the reporter's voice echoed in my head, or were they replaying her report I couldn't tell.

On screen fellow students were interviewed at the candlelight vigil. "He was a freak, psychotic," some Grade 9 was saying, his eyes wide.

I had seen it in his eyes that morning. And I had understood. I could have helped him. Instead he was dead. I had been there before. I had deafened a kid.

"It makes you realize how evil the world is. Who could do something like this?" A blonde who was in Grade 12 asked on camera.

'I could,' the answer came out before I could stop it. If Rick was a psychotic freak, what did that make me? I pushed away from the couch, turning the TV off angrily.

The room was immediately cloaked in darkness. "Sean?" Ellie's voice was beyond worried.

I turned to her in the darkness. "I need to get some sleep, El. I need to forget."

I thought I felt her nod before she got up and walked into the bedroom, taking the phone with her. I lay on the couch in the darkness staring at the ceiling.

'I need to forget.' The words echoed in the empty living room long after she was gone. But I knew I would never forget.