A/N: No excuses (although, I assure you they exist). Just a reassurance that I keep my promises - this won't ever be abandoned. I also have reason to believe my next update won't take 5 months. If there is anyone still reading, here is Alex during TSS. Also, I have removed lyrics because someone told me it was against this site's terms of service, but I choose chapter titles/songs for a reason, if you get a chance you should check out the songs, the lyrics for this one fit really really well.
Believe it or not, I'm not a fan of heights. I know, I know . . . big, bad Alex afraid of something – anything? Seems a bit hard to swallow. I don't like losing control and falling, whether literally or figuratively, is just about as out of control as you can get. Add to it the fact that there's the inevitability of landing – usually on something hard – and honestly any sane person would wonder what there is to like about heights.
So crouching on a catwalk above the stage, with two buckets, one filled with yellow paint and one filled with feathers – was not my idea of a good time. But I had to line this up perfectly or else . . . or else what? Why exactly was I doing this? My mind wandered back to the events that had brought me to this crappy situation.
Flashback
I was putting books in my locker after the last class of the day when I felt arms encircle me from behind. I smiled, although to those who didn't know me well, it might appear to be merely a smirk – I don't do Ms. America smiles. Save those for the wannabe Prom Queens. Still, it was good to have my boyfriend back. "I stayed all day – no skipping, now where's my reward?" he whispered into my ear.
"Reward? Isn't the educational experience you've just had a reward into itself?" I mocked, turning to face him.
Jay pouted. "Come on, babe, take pity on this poor, over-worked student."
I snorted. "Over-worked? Please. You are talking to the wrong person. With all that stupid trivia 'security' stuff I have to prepare for tomorrow, you have no idea . . . who the hell is gonna screw with Whack Your Brain?"
Jay's eyes clouded over and he started drifting, sharply reminding me that he was not particularly a fan of my extra curricular activities. I slammed my locker sharply, trying to bring his attention back to me.
"Well, you drive; I'll entertain," I suggested with a mischievous look.
Jay smiled and pulled me in for a long kiss before, starting to strut down the hallway, his left arm slung haphazardly over my left shoulder. We walked through the steps to the parking lot, making our way towards the orange civic. I waited on my side for him to unlock the doors, my mind flashing forward to the things I could do without having him lose too much control. No one wanted to cause a car accident. But after several moments Jay still hadn't managed to unlock my door.
I looked over him to find that someone had spray painted a giant 'x' over the driver's side door and window. Jay was just standing there, staring at the black 'x' with a determined look on his face. I recognized that look from a couple of times, most involving my father. I shivered. Time to diffuse the situation. I didn't think that Jay would ever hurt me the way my father would, but I wasn't entirely willing to test the scenario.
Slipping his keys into the car and unlocking it, I tried to calm him, somewhat. "Babe, let's find Cameron and figure out how to get this stuff off before we do anything drastic." I opened the passenger side door hoping that his love of the orange love-mobile would overweigh his desire for revenge.
"Why? So I won't get in trouble on school property?" Jay shouted at me. So much for that idle hope. I slouched into my seat. His attacks against my new found desire to go legit were getting more than a little tired. Grow up, Jayson.
As he climbed into the car, eyes still transfixed on the 'x,' I could almost hear the gears in his head weighing his choices. He shot me a dirty look as he made his choice. "Let's go find Cameron."
Fortunately for the civic, unfortunately for common sense, I guess, we didn't have to go far to find Sean. He was at the exit of the parking lot where a very similar decoration adorned Spinner's car as well.
"You, too?" Sean asked as Jay pulled the car to a stop. Way to state the obvious, Seanny-boy.
"Somebody picked the wrong guys to mess with." Jay slammed his door. There was so much machismo in the air I nearly choked on it. Guys are so . . . ugh. At this point I knew there was no way to keep Jay from doing something vengeful, but I might be able to keep him from doing something stupid.
"Someone named Rick Murray," I stated, coming around the back of the car.
Jay gave me a quick look that clearly showed his surprise. I looked right back at him, telling him with my stare if not my words to stand down. I wasn't in the mood for his crap.
Sean seemed uncomfortable with the path the conversation was headed down. "You guys are gonna want to get this off your clear coat before it ruins it."
I didn't blame Sean for trying to change the subject; he couldn't realize we were way beyond the point of no return. In fact he was the only one thinking clearly. By the time the cars were cleaned up there was plenty of time to think through the situation and decide on a plan, if one was in fact needed. Acting rash wouldn't help anyone.
Of course, that whole theory highly overestimated the intelligence level of one of the members involved. "Screw that. It's evidence. I'm telling Raditch," Spinner declared, as if he was fighting for truth, justice, and the American way.
Sean's reaction was knee-jerk anti-authority. "'I'm telling Raditch!' You don't think he's gonna want to know why Rick tagged you?" I took back what I said about Sean thinking clearly. Did the moron realize he had just pretty much issued a challenge?
Jay jumped in, that malicious glint in his eye when he knew he could get other people involved in some particularly mean course of action. "Sean's right. Let's keep Raditch out of this."
Maybe the look was contagious, because Spinner had it as well as he ominously remarked, "Buddy's going down. He's toast." I wondered why the two of them hadn't become friends before – they were obviously made for each other. Oh, right, the Queen honeybee was holding back Spinner's inner caveman.
I sighed, if this was going to happen, might as well get it over with. Plus it was late enough now that maybe most of the staff had gone home. Who was I kidding? With tomorrow's TV programming the school would still be buzzing. "Well, what are we waiting for?" I said, motioning towards the building. "Trivia boy's gotta still be around."
"Oh, yeah!" Spinner looked like someone had just asked him to eat an entire cake or something. It was downright disgusting.
Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought so, as Sean made his excuse to leave. "I'm going to stop by the shop and see if Mr. Ehl's got anything that will help take that spray paint off gently." He took off in the direction of the shop, leaving me alone with Beavis and Butthead. Granted, Jay was a very sexy Beavis, but no less moronic when angered.
He turned to me, the question in his eyes and in his voice, "Alex?" Asshole. Did he really think I would leave him alone in Degrassi? I had suggested it hadn't I? I was sick of his constantly questioning me. I wanted to get into University, not join a frickin' convent.
I walked toward the school, tossing a "Let's go" over my shoulder, not even looking to see if they followed.
By the time we reached the school though, Spinner and Jay's longer strides had overtaken mine and I fell back, looking out for the long-haired geek. Consequently, by the time the two had spotted Toby Isaacs, I hadn't had a chance to remind them that the dweeb was under Cameron's protection and to be careful in the way they handled this.
"Hey! Reject! Where's your friend!" Spinner started, approaching Isaacs from behind.
"As if I'm gonna tell you!" he murmured continuing to drink as if it was no big deal. I wasn't sure if the kid had guts or was just that confident in his Cameron hero-worship, either was a possibility.
Either way, he had seriously miscalculated Jay's patience level where it came to all things pertaining to the civic. "Hey! Weiner! He asked you a question!" Jay scolded, slapping Toby's head into the fountain.
I watched the scene in silence, wondering how long it would take Cameron to find out. I had counted on his help later on, but with Sean's anger issues, it looks like I was going to have to be the sole voice of reason in this operation.
"Thought you were smarter than this," Spinner taunted as we continued to stalk the halls. There really was no other word for the swift deliberate search that the three of us made, going corridor to corridor until we had swept the school for the trivia team. Either he had left, or was hiding out some where and neither option suggested that we would find him by continuing to pace the halls.
Plus I was tired and frustrated. I thought back to the things I thought I would be doing right now to Jay and with Jay. Searching for a grease ball loser was nowhere on that list.
"Hey guys, let's give it up for now," I suggested, my mind still full of the things I could be doing. "Cameron's probably got the cleaning stuff by now and he seemed pretty emphatic about getting the paint off quick." And the faster I got the paint off the faster I could get back to having Jay's attention focused on pleasuring me.
"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Jay threw away. Apparently, I was the only one who thought there were better things to do with an afternoon.
My reply was testy, "Look, you can't find him. Now we can stalk the halls for a while, or we can do this the smart way and plan ahead." I wasn't sure if I was more angry at the fact that he didn't see the futility in this or that apparently I wanted him more than he wanted me.
"I'm listening," Spinner's voice next to me startled me. I had forgotten he was there, so focused in my anger and frustration with Jay.
I threw him a look, before turning back to stare at Jay. You want something from my guy? Target his pride. My voice took on a mocking quality as I taunted, "You all have been tossing him in dumpsters, pushing him into lockers and what's it got you?" I paused to let the big fat 'nothing' settle into their minds. "You've got to do something that will really get to him. Hit him where it hurts."
Jay's eyes lit up at my words, like he had finally convinced me of the need for revenge. As if taking it slow and planning the inevitable hadn't been my goal all along. "I like the way you think," he whispered huskily, pulling me in close. The jerk had the nerve to want to kiss me after ruining my chance for an afternoon delight for a stupid revenge plot? I turned my head and he laid a kiss on my cheek. Jay pulled back angrily. 'Rejection sucks, doesn't it Jay?' "What's the most important thing to that loser right now?" he proposed, regrouping.
"Emma Nelson." I couldn't help how quickly the words slipped out. I knew that whatever dalliance Jay had imagined with her had gone sour, but I couldn't help being a little bitter where the blond was concerned.
I could see Jay try to form an objection and I smirked outwardly at his fluster while inwardly I cringed. I thought I had broken the little prude's spell, but apparently that was just wishful thinking.
Again, the forgotten accomplice chimed in. "No way, dude. I've got this thing going with the lovely Manuela and her and Emma go way back, even if they're not speaking right now. I'm not going to let pay back on Rick screw that up. Leave Nelson out of it."
"Fine," I replied huffily. I was done trying to help them and still stay out of trouble. Let Emma frickin' Nelson save Jay when things went wrong.
"You're thinking too small, baby," Jay admonished, tisking at me with his finger and throat. Like lecturing a child. "Rick knows everything, right? King of all Trivia."
"So how are you going to make him forget things?" Spinner's comment reminded me that there was very little chance that whatever plan they thought up would go right.
Jay's face was a mask of incredulity at Spinner's intelligence level, so I jumped in to help him explain. "And tomorrow the trivia game will be televised." The sooner this two bit plan was hammered out the sooner I could get home. Any and all x-rated thoughts had left my mind as soon as I knew x-rated thoughts of Emma still were in Jay's.
"Exactly. The chance to embarrass him not only in front of the entire school, but all of Canada!" Jay's voice grew as if he were Dr. Evil.
Spinner didn't seem to notice as he heaped praise on my evil boyfriend. "That's freakin' awesome! He won't wanna leave his house when we're done laughing, let alone try anything at school again." Spinner paused, his moment of comprehension fleeting. "But how? Raditch is gonna have the TV show area on lock out."
"Lock out? You mean, lock down," Jay corrected testily.
"Let me worry about that," I jumped in, seeing my chance to wrap up this little conversation. "You boys handle the 'what' and I'll handle the 'how.'" I was, after all, on trivia security. I felt a little twinge of guilt for betraying Marco's trust but stifled it. After all, desperate times and all that jazz . . .
Sean was standing at Jay's locker when we approached, looking as angry inside as I felt. I briefly wondered if he knew what Jay was thinking in regards to his ex before shoving down my paranoia. Contrary to popular opinion, the world did not revolve around Emma Nelson.
He shoved a can of something at Jay; his explanation terse. "Man, just rub a little of this on a rag and you'll be fine. I gotta catch up with Ellie." He made it only a few feet before what ever was bothering him took over. "Jay?" he turned, indicating he needed a moment alone.
"Sean, not in front of my girlfriend!" Jay teased confidently. I withheld my desire to shout 'he's all yours' at Cameron's retreating figure.
After a few awkward, silent moments next to Spinner, there was a loud crash from around the corner. Suddenly it all clicked. Isaacs. Well, that hadn't taken long at all. I couldn't help the perverse satisfaction I got out of knowing Sean was giving Jay some of the treatment he lately deserved, but Spinner almost started down the hall. I placed my hand on his forearm.
"I wouldn't if I were you," I warned him. Hell, I probably should have let Cameron knock him around, too, but I was growing impatient again.
Spinner looked confused but didn't ask any questions. I suppose he was used to being a bit confused.
Jay wandered back slowly alone, rubbing his neck. Pure evil is the only reasoning I have for why I asked super sugary sweetly, "What was that all about?"
"Just Cameron's hero complex." Jay tried to play it off as if he didn't have his own hero complex. Like it hadn't led to the incident that seemingly started this whole chain of events back at the Dot. "Let's get out of here, shall we?"
I prayed for a quick walk back to the car and an end to this day. God never did like me. What other explanation could there be for the fact that right in front of us, stood the pride of Degrassi, our very own trivia team.
"Yo, Jimmy," Spinner greeted his best friend before turning to his target. "Hey, dog meat, you got something on your shirt!" He said pointing.
When Rick looked down, Spinner ran his finger up and flicked his nose. It was just about the lamest joke I had seen, something a five year old would use as a comeback. Jay however, grinned like it was a comedic masterpiece. I found myself wondering, yet again, why I was still with him.
"That's just weak. Grow up," Jimmy said, looking right at Spinner.
I jumped in at this point, unsure if I was taunting Jimmy and Rick or rubbing it into Spinner his best friend had just ditched him for Degrassi's number one outcast. "Ooh . . . Ricky found a friend."
I caught a glimpse of Emma over Jimmy's shoulder and she glanced away quickly. Maybe I could have some fun with this. The world may not revolve around Emma, but lately Degrassi seemed to. The least I could do is make the little saint's life a little bit more uncomfortable for a few moments.
"Give it a rest. It's boring," Jimmy tried to get in my face . . . which may have worked had my glare not still been directed at Emma. As Jimmy walked away, Emma followed quickly, my eyes still trailing her as the dorky boys fell in behind her. Rick turned near the doors to cross his arms in what I suppose he assumed was a triumphant 'X'. Hiding behind your friends wouldn't be my first choice of places to make such a statement, but I never claimed that Rick had any amount of common sense.
"Bad move freak," Jay's voice echoed my own thoughts. "So Alex, you know how we were going to interrupt the game show? I think it would be even better if he wins first."
"From the best moment to the worst in less than a second," I had to admit as cruelty went, Jay was on to something. Kind of like, I don't know, seeing your boyfriend waiting to make amends outside the office only to realize he's not waiting for you. Or having your boyfriend talk dirty to you all day only to postpone it for a stupid revenge plan? Yeah, I knew something about going from best to worst really quickly.
"Dude, what was up with Jimmy?" Spinner shook his head as if trying to clear it.
Jay couldn't resist a dig in his mood, even at an ally. "Umm, can you worry about your man-crush later? We need ideas."
"Look, I'm not gay," Spinner protested a little louder than necessary. "What about like in Carrie when they dumped that bucket of pig's guts all over her?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but then she went psycho and killed everyone." 'Which is called karma, something you should probably look up before long, moron,' I added silently.
Spinner scoffed, "That's what made it a movie and not the news. People can't move stuff with their mind, anyways." There was a long pause as he seemed to consider this thought. "At least, I'm pretty sure they can't."
That was the last straw. "Whatever. Like I said, you figure out what to drop on Rick's head; I'll make it happen," I asserted, leaving. I could walk home. I would help mostly because I promised I would, but also to help ruin Ms. Nelson's perfect trivia moment as well. And after that, I would get rid of Jay. A good lay was hard to replace, but replacing your self-respect was even harder.
"Hey, babe, I thought you were going home with me?" his voice called after me.
NOW he frickin' wanted some? "Not in the mood. You can clean your car off yourself!" I called back.
End Flashback
And that was how I came to be perched over the stage, watching as the MC called for Degrassi's representative. How I had snuck Jay and Spinner into the supposedly hand-picked audience, how I had managed to sneak two buckets of dubious contents back stage, rigged with fishing line that I could now trail down the catwalk to make my escape. The why was still a little in the air, I suppose.
Because you're a coward and a suck . . . my earlier words to Paige definitely applied to this situation. I was going to do my best to remedy that situation as soon as this was over, why not before? Why risk my future on one last prank with Jay?
With that thought, I almost climbed down right then and there to tell Jay exactly where he could shove his feathers and paint as well as our so-called relationship. What boy was worth losing your dignity over?
Below, I saw Rick pause to whisper something into Emma's ear. Even from above I could see the change overcome her posture and poise. I thought of all the times when I was little and Dad would lean over to whisper something to my mother. She would stiffen the same way. At the time, I thought it was sweet, little secrets between my parents who were obviously still in love. As I grew older and my father grew drunker, often these slurred whispers would be audible from my seat. And as my father told her exactly what he would do to her and all the stupid little 'reasons' why she deserved it, her back would straighten, her eyes would wander around the room with fear and I would hate him a little more . . . and her for allowing him to do it to her.
My father was in jail – not nearly paying enough as he deserved for what he had done to my mother, but here was my chance to get back at him in some small way. I didn't like Emma Nelson, but for one small moment, I saw what drove boys like Sean and Jay to protect her and – as hard as it is to believe – wanted to do my part. I lined up the buckets to where Rick stood awaiting his chance on the hot seat.
As 30 seconds of trivia ticked down I crawled back down the ladder, unwinding the fishing line as I went. Win or lose, I was going to take this freak down a notch, until he thought twice about messing with a girl.
"Degrassi wins! Degrassi wins!" Mr. Phony Game Show exclaimed. I yanked on the string – once, then twice – hard, before moving stealthily back to my seat.
I didn't get to see the payoff, but I reached my seat as the laughing started. Watching his face fall, I was surprised to find out that I didn't feel as triumphant as I thought I would, despite my customary smirk being in place. The truth was Rick wasn't my father and I had no idea what he had said to Emma before the final round.
As Rick lowered his head and walked out the door as if in a trance I felt a pang of regret. What if I had been wrong?
"Hey, let's get out of here," Spinner suggested.
I saw Jay nod from the corner of my eye, but his eyes were glued to the blond disappearing out the side doors.
"You coming?" I asked. That was the last straw. I was done with him. I wouldn't even wait for one last victory fling; I'd just dump him in the hallway. I was done being yanked around by Emma, both intentionally and unintentionally.
Jay however, had other plans, muttering, "I'll catch up with you" as he followed Emma out the side doors.
"Where's he going?" Spinner asked. "That was totally awesome, man! We need to celebrate!"
I shot him a look. "Will you just shut the hell up?" I hissed before dropping my voice down. "Bragging will do nothing other than get us caught. Gloat, if you must, but not in here!"
And with that I strode after Jay. I wasn't going to let him get away with following Emma . . . in fact, if I was lucky, I could dump him in front of her and humiliate him a little bit in the process. Get some of my own back, if you will.
As I rounded the corner, I saw Jay holding Emma, his eyes roving over her body. I sucked in my breath quickly. 'You don't want him anymore, remember?' my brain reminded me. However, the pang in my heart wasn't listening. Jay had been the one to be there for me when my world was falling apart. Watching him move on to his next conquest was more difficult than I had thought it would be. I didn't want to let him go; I wanted him to care about me the way he seemed to care about Emma.
"Don't TOUCH me!" Emma screamed at him. I couldn't hear what else was said, but I took a lot of pleasure out of the way she pulled out of his grasp roughly and ran from him. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was. Serves the bastard right.
Jay moved down the hall and I followed him, taking a deep breath. It would hurt me more than I thought to do this, but once I made up my mind to do something, I rarely stopped.
He paused in the entranceway, looking lost and I took that as my cue. "Have fun with Princess Priss?" I was surprised at how bitter my voice came out. I thought I had moved past bitter to acceptance.
Jay turned wearily. "Alex." At least he sounded contrite, that was a start. "I wanted to make sure she was okay. Rick did something, I don't know what, she wouldn't talk to me, but I heard her screaming."
I flashed back again to all those dinners with Daddy's promises of what was to come. Maybe I had read the situation more accurately than I realized. "She's okay, right?" I hated the way my voice shook but I couldn't help it. What if I had inadvertently been responsible in some way for whatever Rick had done? Instead of helping, what if I had made it worse? "I'd hate it if someone got hurt because of our prank war with Murray."
"Look at you, the big, bad, don't care about anyone girl going all jello on me," Jay remarked, his voice light. I wasn't in the mood to joke, too full of guilt and recriminations. "Look, she didn't have any visible marks and she still managed to shout at me, so it couldn't have been anything too serious." Jay tried to take me in his arms, the way I had been praying for only a moment ago, but right now I didn't feel like I deserved to have someone care for me. I was aiding an abuser. I was an unintentional accomplice no matter how much Jay tried to tell me nothing serious had happened with Emma. Yeah, the prank was Spinner's idea and Jay had helped too, but nothing would or could have happened without me. "Look, nothing is going to happen."
I took a deep breath. I wanted to believe him so badly. Then again, I wanted a lot of things. I closed my eyes. Maybe this one time I would just give in . . . just once. What could it hurt? "You tell anyone I'm going soft and you'll regret it. I could still kick your sorry ass seven different ways," my voice belied the message it relayed.
"Damn straight." His voice held the conviction mine lacked. It was almost enough to make me forget what I came out here to do. "Look it's almost lunch. How about you and I go out to my newly cleaned car and celebrate the perfect plan perfectly executed by the perfect couple." Forget almost. I didn't want to leave his presence for a moment; I needed to avoid reality for just a bit longer till my mind processed what exactly had gone wrong today and in general.
I wondered briefly about what Spinner was up to. "With the help of a complete moron," I added, laughing.
"True." Jay seemed to consider this for a moment. "But I don't feel like sharing today."
The idea of Spinner and me was so gag-inducing that I hit Jay harder than I should have. Thinking back over the past 24 hours, he actually deserved much more than that smack, but the next thing I knew he was kissing me and I lost track of all rational thought till much, much later in the back seat of the same civic I had cursed so freely the afternoon before.
"Jay," I whispered into his chest.
"God, Alex, again?" he asked playfully, stroking my hair.
I suddenly understood the urge to giggle. I don't giggle and I didn't, but I could understand why those twitterpated idiots did occasionally. "Jay, we have to go to class," I told him. I wanted to do nothing more but stay in that civic forever, but I knew that we eventually had to go back to Degrassi and, if we wanted to escape suspension or worse, we had to go back now.
"What?" he looked at me as if I had just suggested asking Isaacs over for a threesome.
"If we skip now, Raditch's primary suspects are all but confirmed guilty. If we go back, we might just get away with this," I reasoned.
Jay sighed, before leaning up and pulling his blue t-shirt back over his head. He leaned back in for a kiss. "I call a rematch right after school, though."
I flushed all through and nodded. I tried, but couldn't for the life of me remember why I had considered breaking things off with Jay.
As I sat in our classroom watching Mr. Raditch drone on about the embarrassment the whole thing was to our school, I smiled feeling Jay's eyes glued to my body. Right where they should be.
I could practically feel Jay's tension as he tried to behave without looking like he was trying to behave. As much as it amused me, I couldn't also help but feel a bit hurt that he wasn't willing to do this for me, the way he was for some stupid prank.
Eventually the bell rang and everyone filed like drones out the main doors. I tried to calculate based on our next classes whether Jay and I had time for a quickie in the second story broom closet, but Amy was waiting for me across the hall from our class. Jay hung back, although if I wasn't sure if it was to give us privacy or because secretly Jay's a bit afraid of Amy. She had made no secret that best friend's guy or not, Jay was hot stuff she wouldn't mind having a piece of. But for all his faults Jay was a pretty monogamous guy and Amy scared the hell out of him.
"Just so you know, at the second lunch period, Gavin "the Spinster" Mason, was overheard bragging about his morning activities on the b-ball court. In fact, Jimmy Brooks had to be pulled off of him. I wonder what that could mean," she raised an eyebrow at me.
Amy trying to be all espionage-y? Laughable.
"And?" I threw every bit of my Alex-tude into my response. Amy may be my best friend but I didn't doubt she would use any bit of leverage against me that she could.
Amy searched my eyes for cracks before backing up literally and figuratively. "I just figured what with him becoming the third stooge recently you might want to know. That's all."
Jay finally lost patience with being my shadow and interrupted, saving me from further conversation as we neared History. "Awww, Alex, I was good last class, can't I skip this one?"
Seriously, sometimes Jay could be such a child. But it solved one problem, I couldn't help but think as I waved Amy on her merry way. I waited until I was sure Amy couldn't hear before turning to my whiny ass boyfriend.
"No, can do, buddy boy. Amy just told me that Spinner and Jimmy got in a fight while playing ball just now." I watched Jay to see if he would process this information the same way I had, before prompting, "Any guesses what about? Cause I have a few."
Sighing, he took my hint. "So you want us to have a talk before the idiot gets us all busted." He rubbed his face with his hand, looking suddenly very tired. Was he starting to feel guilty? Or just sick of working with a guy with a peanut for a brain? Because honestly both ideas were starting to gain hold of my imagination. I had told the idiot not to brag. Also, Jimmy may have been noble, but he wouldn't stand up for someone who he didn't believe was a good guy. And he definitely wouldn't fight with Spinner unless he was sure that Rick didn't deserve his rep around school. That was almost brother vs. brother in magnitude.
I threw one of my ideas out to test the water. "We just had to team up with that idiot."
"Yeah, well, we've got English next and Spinner had his with all the Grade 10's," Jay must have taken my statement as a challenge to do something. Which come to think of it was probably a pretty good idea if I didn't want to have to explain a suspension in my university applications.
So I acted like that had been my idea all along, play swatting his shoulders as if sending him off to battle in olden times. "Which is why you are going to find Spinner right now and tell him to cool it." I spied Spinner over Jay's left shoulder and spun him to face that way. "There he is now. Go have fun," I told him, punctuating my command with a not so slight push.
I didn't stay to find out what happened, instead walking the last few feet to Mr. Preno's room. I started to enter, then came back out. I have no idea why I was suddenly so nervous. 'Maybe cause you realize how horrible this could turn out if Rick wasn't guilty? Or worse . . . if he was? Why hadn't you thought about what an angry abuser would do? But Jay had said Emma was safe . . . and Rick had left? What if Rick hadn't left?' my mind wandered into dangerous territory as I realized that I had taken my "wanting to believe Jay" bit too far and actually believed him. It was a severe lapse in judgment.
'What the hell, Alex, grow up,' my inner voice sneered. 'What's done is done. The best you can hope for now is that you don't get caught.' As practical as that advice sounded, I couldn't help but realize it sounded cold. Something the old, broken Alex would have said. The new Alex? Well, the new Alex wasn't in a position to talk having been the one to go along with Jay rather willingly.
Jay's approach pulled me out of the spiral of self-destructive thoughts my mind seemed hell bent on following, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. No doubt Jay was not having similar feelings of regret and introspection. "So?" I asked more testily than was perhaps necessary.
He just leaned in and captured my lips. Hot damn, but that boy could make you forget your own name if you didn't watch yourself. I forced myself to remember his smug expression moments before and pulled away. I returned his smirk with one of my own. "Care to fill in the details, lover boy?"
"Let's just say, I dealt with the situation, okay?" He had this cocky self-confidence that almost made me forget my early 'what ifs'. Almost.
Until Mr. Preno started his lecture. "Hysteria. It doesn't always mean an individual neurosis. In fact it can and is described as "behavior exhibiting overwhelming or unmanageable fear or emotional excess" by Merriam-Webster dictionaries. Last week we talked about the U.S. Internment of Japanese Americans in the fall out of Pearl Harbor. Can anyone else think of another situation of mass hysteria?"
I knew better than to raise my hand, but hysterical was a good word for what I was feeling. And mass hysteria was not a bad description for DCS post orange ribbons.
This exchange student in the front row raised her hand. "Yes, Casey?" Mr. Preno called on her.
"I think it's similar to what happened all over the world over the 9-11 incident. Mass bombings and terrorist attacks happen all over the world, but this one provoked unparalleled fear and actions," Casey answered.
"Yes, and – you should write this down – what's most interesting is that most of it is unfounded fear," Mr. Preno turned to the chalkboard.
I took a deep breath. Unfounded fear. Hysteria. That was all I was going through. There was nothing to be afraid of.
And with that thought there was a single gunshot right outside our classroom door.
I froze staring at the door. My instincts were usually right and in this case, I couldn't help but think that was Rick out there. After all what would my father have done if someone had tried to stop him from hitting my mother? Pull a gun. Fortunately in my parents' case the cops had arrived before there were any big bangs. This time it appeared someone hadn't been so lucky.
My view of the door was blocked by Jay's form and I felt an overwhelming rush of warmth and gratitude despite the situation. Reflexes showed someone's true character and despite everything, Jay's reflex was still to protect me.
"Get under your desks!" Mr. Preno shouted. I was there before he finished his direction. Jay however, refused to move, staring at the door like he expected angry velociraptors to charge in.
Mr. Preno shouted, "Mr. Hogart, now!" but Jay didn't look like he wanted to budge. Mr. Preno had used the Canadian Armed Forces to get through college. He could handle this situation, whatever it was. A teenager, even one who thought he was a bad ass like Jay would only complicate things, so I reached up to tug on his arm.
He seemed to know exactly what I needed as he crouched beneath the desk taking me in his arms. I know I should have just stayed like, that – content to stay where I felt safe, but I had to know if Jay had the same sense of foreboding that I did.
"Jay, do you think that, maybe it was Rick?" I whispered, squeezing his arm as if wishing him to say the right thing.
He stiffened, then responded. "There are over 700 students that go to school here, Lexy. Any one of them could have snapped," he rationalized, but he didn't sound as confident as he usually did.
Still, it was something. "You're right. And I'm pretty sure Rick went home after everything," I thought out loud. We would have known if Rick was still here. He had the same lunch period as Amy, Spinner and Jimmy. Lord knows, Amy wouldn't have left out that piece of gossip in her earlier report.
"I'm going to go out there," Mr. Preno told the class trying to avoid hysteria. I laughed inwardly, without humor of the irony of his earlier lecture.
"NO!" The girl who sat next to Casey who I had nicknamed Pinky after her favorite color screamed. Seriously, though if some crazy gunman had wanted to come in and pick us off one by one Mr. Preno wouldn't be able to do much. Let him go out where he might help someone.
Mr. Preno was all tact, though, calming the girl with his steady voice. "Jennifer, calm down. I need to make sure everyone's alright."
He walked to the door, doing a quick sweep out the window. He paused to ask a quick question of the class. "Do any of you have a cell phone?"
"I do." I didn't turn to see which wanna be jock the voice belonged to. The less I focused on this, the more chance that it was all a bad dream.
"Call 9-1-1. Get an ambulance here," Mr. Preno instructed as he disappeared into the hall.
As the door opened, I caught a glimpse of white basketball shoes. Jennifer or Casey must have seen more because there were the sounds of strangled sobbing coming from the front of the room.
"Just so you know, at the second lunch period, Gavin "the Spinster" Mason, was overheard bragging about his morning activities on the b-ball court. In fact, Jimmy Brooks had to be pulled off of him," Amy's voice echoed inside my head.
"Spinner was playing basketball outside." I didn't know if I had said it out loud, caught up in a slideshow of current events. What if Spinner died over a practical joke that never would have happened without my suggestions and student council connections? What if Rick came after us next? I found myself thinking that maybe getting what I deserved would be better than living knowing I may have contributed to Spinner's death.
"Well, better him than me," Jay responded, answering my question as to whether I was thinking out loud.
I stared at him, unsure if I had heard him right. Someone we knew and, granted, didn't care much for, could be seriously injured because of something we did and all he could think about was how it affected him. I withdrew my hand from his, confused.
"How can you say that?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.
"Because I'm honest." His voice was tired, but very matter of fact. "Would you prefer I say I wish I took a bullet for him? Cause actually I'm rather glad to be safe and whole right now."
Mr. Raditch's voice interrupted whatever response I would have said, thankfully. The situation wasn't ideal to fight with your boyfriend, but it's not really something I had planned out. "Remain in your classrooms until further notice. Absolutely no one is to leave. Refer to lockdown protocol. And please remain calm."
Jay laughed ignoring the stares such an act generated. "What?" he challenged the class. We're in lockdown because some psycho who I knew with every fiber of my being was Rick may have killed someone and he's looking to pick a fight.
Suddenly I saw the Jay Hogart the rest of Degrassi Community School saw. He wasn't my sexy knight in shining armor, but an immature selfish teenage bully. And what's more, he may have indirectly killed someone. And I may have helped him.
Suddenly our relationship wasn't about Jay not respecting me trying to be more proactive. I realized I was with a total jerk. A self-obsessed asshole. And I was holding on to whatever shared background we might have had like some idiot girl who justifies her boyfriends beatings. What if Jay's verbal abuse was just as bad?
I was so caught up in re-assessing my boyfriend that I didn't see Mr. Preno come in, but I snapped to attention as he discussed the situation with the 9-1-1 operator. "We have a student down, 16 year old male. I don't know how many others. The injured student indicated one gunman. Rick Murray. I think he acted alone, but I can't tell. We need EMTs in here, as soon as you can. Yes, yes. Okay."
"Thanks." Mr. Preno's smile as he returned the wannabe jock's phone was grim. I had a sudden glimpse of him from his air force days and was suddenly grateful that Canada's Armed Forces mostly dealt in peace-keeping missions. And just like that he was gone.
I slipped back into my seat; unsure if it was due to my cramped muscles or if I couldn't stand to be next to the bastard with whom I had as recently as an hour ago engaged in a very steamy afternoon special. Every once in a while I would search his face for some sign of remorse or regret. Even knowing his face as well as I did, I could see nothing to indicate that Jay thought of this as anything more than an afternoon without history class.
It was a relief when Raditch's voice finally came over the loud speakers again. "The lock down is over. Please wait to exit your classrooms until a designated school official opens the door for you. Please head straight home. Do not stop at your lockers; do not loiter around. We recommend you not speak to reporters."
I took off, not wanting to be close to Jay any longer than I had to. However I stopped short when I saw the man with the giant gun who had opened our classroom door. That was an awfully big gun to deal with Rick . . . what if he hadn't stopped with one victim?
Jay steered me away from it, speaking quickly, "Just relax. Everything's gonna be fine."
I wasn't sure of much, but I knew that was untrue. "Why did I go along with all this?" I asked myself for the seven billionth time that day.
"I said relax! You're alive aren't you?" Jay seemed angry at me, which was funny all things considered. He couldn't be bothered to have a conscience but me having one annoyed him.
I saw Spinner at the same time Jay did. "Yo, Spin! I thought that might have been you!" If I didn't know better I thought that the asshole might have actually cared.
"It was Jimmy man! Jimmy! They're gonna find out. I have to –" Spinner started to walk towards the nearest officer as Jay objected.
"No!" Jay pulled him into a corner. Looking to see if anyone noticed I followed, standing against the wall around the corner where I could listen without having to look at the scum I called a boyfriend. Jimmy Brooks, the number one actual bonafide nice guy had been the one lying in the hallway? Jimmy – who would lose his best friend to try and stand up for Rick – had been shot? I felt even sicker than before if that was at all possible.
"You have to shut up, okay?" Jay threatened, panic evident in his voice.
Spinner's voice was incredulous. "He's my best friend." I was relieved to see I wasn't the only one shocked by Jay's attitude towards the whole incident.
"Either outcome I would say he was your best friend." Jay had regained his cocky air as he got in a zinger and I could almost hear his upper lip curl.
Spinner tried one last ditch effort to reach Jay's non-existent conscience. "We might have killed him!"
It just seemed to make Jay angrier as he protested, "We didn't do anything!"
I heard Jay slam against the bulletin board as Spinner corrected him. "We did!" A solider tapped my shoulder, motioning for me to walk towards the door and I walked toward it silently, not caring whether or not Jay followed.
I needed time to think. I needed time to think without Jay and about Jay. I needed to relieve some of the guilt that was making it hard to think or breathe or operate. But when we emerged from the building there was nothing but chaos. Parents grabbed onto their children and hugged them close; friends shared relieved tears as they found each other. And then there were the reporters swarming like vultures, picking off the slow and weak to interview.
I had a brief moment of regressing to wanting my mother to be there – to actually care and not just pretend, but I knew better. No one was out there waiting for me. No one cared if I had been shot. No one would notice.
Jay pulled me down the stairs by the elbow and I jerked away sharply. Cross that. Jay would have noticed. But I was no longer sure I wanted him to. Sighing, he grabbed my elbow again. "I'm taking you home," he insisted cave man style.
"I'm not going anywhere with you," I hissed, letting my anger come through loud and clear.
I thought I saw hurt for a moment, before he let go. "Fine then."
Jay slipped through the sea of people as they instinctively backed away from his bad ass persona. I, however, must have looked vulnerable because immediately three reporters threw microphones at me.
"I'm Rachel Rhodes, did you witness the shooting?" a brunette asked as a blonde asked "Are you a friend of Rick Murray's?" The last one just held out her arm, hoping to catch my answer to one question or the other.
Suddenly, Jay was back, as if somehow sensing I needed him. "Ladies, back the fuck off." And they did.
Jay led me to the civic, where the seats were still leaned all the way back from our activities earlier in the day. I felt nauseous and ran to a nearby bush where I proceeded to lose what little food I had managed to sneak during class after lunch.
Jay had opened his door, but hadn't gotten into the car yet. "You okay?" he asked, full of phony concern.
I jumped into the car, pulling the lever that violently jerked the seat upright. "Just drive," I instructed, taking a swig from a water bottle in my backpack and spitting it out the open window. It didn't entirely get rid of the sour taste in my mouth, but I was half afraid that it would never go away.
Jay floored the gas the moment we got out of the parking lot and had to slam on the brakes almost immediately as Sean and Ellie darted into the street. Without thinking, only reacting, I jumped out of the car and into the back seat, Ellie right behind me.
Sean hesitated, staring at Jay as if he didn't recognize him. "Well?" Jay asked. "Us outcasts gotta stick together!" He proclaimed as if it was some sort of badge of honor and not a brand of the devil.
Sean had barely closed the door before Jay sped off. It was a while before Ellie asked the question that everyone was wondering.
"Why were those reporters after you, Sean?" she asked. And where is your sweatshirt? I silently added. Sean without his sweatshirt was like . . . Jay without his hat or Ellie with her forearms uncovered – it just didn't happen.
Sean's voice sounded deep and crackly as if he had just woken up. "Rick brought a gun to school." It wasn't anything I hadn't heard but I stiffened none the less. "He tried to shoot Emma. I stopped him."
My instincts had been right. It was like family history repeating itself at my school. Except this time I hadn't called 9-1-1 and saved the girl – I had unintentionally caused it all. I guess you could say I caused my parents as well. I mean maybe if I had cleaned my room or washed the dishes like Dad had asked he wouldn't have had to take it out on my mother. And if I hadn't convinced Mom to get the restraining order, he never would have brought the gun to the house. I just made things worse. Except this time my intentions hadn't been so pure.
"What?" Ellie's shrill voice interrupted my trip down my private Nightmare Memory Lane. Elm Street had nothing on me. "Are you okay? Is Emma okay? Rick . . ."
"Is dead." It was just two words but I recognized the note of finality and guilt in Sean's voice.
"Sean." Ellie must not have, so I kicked her. She may have been the only one in the car not relieving personal demons and guilt, but damned if I was going to let her make it worse for Sean.
Jay didn't say a word as he pulled into the driveway of Sean and Ellie's apartment complex. He didn't say a word as I jumped into the front seat Sean vacated or as he pulled up to my house. He didn't say a word as I got out of the car without a look back. Sometimes, there was just nothing to say.