It hadn't been this way in the beginning, that's what he tried to tell himself at night. He hadn't always felt the rush of pleasure as blood soaked his gloves, the wire taunt, cutting everything in line. The wordless shock of surprise on their faces didn't make him hard, and the cruel laugh in his head wasn't a relief either.
It was all a dream and one day he would wake up and everything would be the same, and he wouldn't be a killer.
'Stop it. You're giving me a headache.'
Yohji rolled over, hand wrapping around his lover's waist as he settled back down. Eyes still closed he gave a mental shrug.
'I said stop it!' A headache sprang with those words and Yohji sat up, hands on his forehead, and legs struggling out of the tight embrace of the others.
"You didn't have to do that!" He hissed, finding purchase and kicking Schuldig.
'It made you shut up.'
"And now I have a migraine asshole!"
Cool hands pushed his own away and lightly stroked his hair back, gently massaging Yohji's temples. 'You are a killer, you chose this life. You wanted this life; it's better that anything else. Remember?"
And Yohji did; He remembered the rush of adrenalin every time he took a mission, craving the high more and more until doing things he normally wouldn't do; driving 30k over the speed limit, being careless and in the end fucking his team's worst enemy. It had be satisfying and he didn't regret it, not now when each time he let Schuldig fuck him, his boundaries where pushed, making his heart feel like it might stop.
Besides Ran had his sister back and Schwarz never bothered them anymore. He was allowed as far as Yohji was concerned. He deserved any happiness he could find.
'That's right. You deserve this. Now relax and go to sleep.'
The migraine began to subside and Yohji allowed Schuldig to pull him down, kiss him and situate his body so they were wrapped up once again.
A familiar pressure in Yohji's mind returned and he sighed happily, feeling Schuldig curl around his thoughts, soft and warm. Drifting down into sleep Yohji never heard Schuldig begin his nightly ritual.
'You love me. You like it here, you deserve this. It's alright; you asked that I lie to you.'