Slipping Through the Cracks

Part 2: John

See Part 1 for disclaimers

John McBain was sitting in a dank bar miles from Llanview, drinking away his pain. It had been three months since he'd told Natalie the truth about her husband, but he still went over the events in his mind every day; hoping against hope he'd find something that Natalie had said or done on that day that might mean that he still had a chance. He sighed as he slammed the glass down. "Give me another." The bartender shook his head and refilled John's glass. "Last one, Johnny boy."

John scowled at him. "Come on Kenny. I need this." He drained the glass in one gulp and slammed it down. Kenny shook his head. "Sorry. Boss's orders; you're not to get more than five refills. It's your own fault, the way you terrified that poor redhead last week." John squeezed his eyes shut trying not to remember the way he had kissed the girl, calling her Natalie and telling her that she really wanted to take him back, that she needed to…

He stood up to his feet. "Okay, Kenny." He slid a twenty across the bar towards him, then on an impulse slid another one. "That's for looking out for me." He turned and walked out the door before Kenny could say anything. After John was gone, Kenny smiled and laughed, shaking his head as he put the money in the cash register. "That must be some woman he lost," he said.

Natalie sat silently overwhelmed by the amazingly complex wool that John and Cris had pulled over her eyes. Cristian had been alive all this time, but he'd been on his way to tell her the truth when someone had apparently mugged and shot him. She began trembling, and John reached out to embrace her but she pulled back sharply. "Don't," she said brokenly, standing to her feet. "Natalie—" "Don't touch me!" she screamed, anger and pain evident in her voice, but even more so in her eyes…

John felt his heart rip in two as he saw the contempt shining in her eyes. "You lied to me, John. You let me believe that my husband was dead… How can I forgive you for that?" Tears began pouring as she continued. "You held me in your arms every night while my husband was in Statesville Prison knowing that someone else was holding his wife…" She wiped her tears angrily away. "You let him rot in prison, John! It's your fault he's dead!" she screamed, then ran to the door, fumbling with the locks until she finally wrenched it open and hurried down the hallway.

John's heart broke for her and for everything he'd done to her. This was why it was better to say at a distance from people; why it was better not to let anyone into your heart. He'd let her in, and now she was gone because he was an idiot. She was bleeding on the inside because of him, and he knew it. "I really did it this time," he mumbled, going for the nearest bottle of Jack Daniels.

John returned to the hotel room he had gotten after him and Natalie's break-up because the apartment was full of too many memories of her. It was a quiet little hotel just a few miles outside of Llanview, because he hadn't felt like going to any of Natalie's family… Roxy owned the Angel Square Hotel and Renee owned the Palace, which left him no options for lodgings in Llanview. He wavered slightly in the doorway of his room, looking at the sparse furnishings. Natalie had made their old apartment warm and it had been fully furnished, something that he missed.

He shook his head and walked in, slamming the door behind him and shedding his clothes as he went. By the time he made it to the bed he was wearing only his pants. He crawled in underneath his covers and shut his eyes, wishing that every time he did so he wouldn't see that last glimpse he'd had of her face… She'd looked at him with hatred in her eyes, and it burned his heart.

Two weeks after Natalie had found out about Cristian, she still refused to see John or go anywhere that she had been with him. John was going crazy without seeing her, so he had gone to Llanfair. Viki opened the door. "John," she said surpass and anger in her voice. "Please, Mrs. Davidson. You have every right to be angry at me but I have to see Natalie."

To his surprise Viki opened the door so he could walk in. "She's in the library. Tread lightly," she advised as she went upstairs. John walked over to the library doors and with a deep breath opened them. Natalie was on the couch; legs curled up underneath her. Her hair was swept back into a ponytail with a few strands gently curling around her face. John swallowed hard, thinking of how gorgeous she looked.

Suddenly she turned to face him, not bothering to hide the fact that she had been crying. There was anger and pain in her voice, as she demanded, "What the hell are you doing here?" He nervously put his hands on his hips unconsciously, and she laughed bitterly. "What?" Her eyes softened as she looked at him, and her voice was wistful as she replied, "You always do that when you're upset or hell just anytime."

"Can I sit down?" The softness disappeared as she waved to the seat across from her. "Be my guest, but make it quick." He took the seat she had indicated and took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair. "I'm going to make this fast but I want you to know exactly what happened." "You lied to me and my husband ended up dead. What's left to explain?" she asked coldly. He reached out and grabbed her hand without thinking about it.

She looked down at their entwined hands coolly, but John didn't let go. He began rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb as he continued. "Cristian didn't want you to waste your life waiting for him, and I didn't want to see you waste away like I've seen so many other women do when their husband is in jail… I know I was wrong and I should have given you that choice. It was my misguided attempt to protecting you, and I'm sorry." He looked at her eyes, which were still cold and hard.

"Finished?" she sneered. John nodded and she jerked her hand away. "That's all well and good, but you deserve to suffer John. Cristian-my Cristian-died alone on a street corner because you kept the truth from me. I never want to see you again." She glared at him. "I think you need to go." He nodded silently and stood to his feet. When he reached the door he turned around slowly to look at her. "I'll always love you, Natalie." He turned and slowly walked out. Natalie's heart cried out for her to stop him but she knew she couldn't forgive him yet… or possibly ever.

TO BE CONTINUED