Slipping Through the Cracks

Part 7: Adjusting

See Part 1 for disclaimers

Recap: John and Natalie are pregnant and together (also in therapy) after the Cris reveal. This is after a very revealing pool game where they both finally showed each other their full hands—no secrets left. They made love and John asked her to marry him within the month. Natalie (naturally) agreed.

The next week everyone noticed how much brighter Natalie seemed to be, and it was almost like the months she and John had been apart had never truly happened. They were together every second possible, but they also made sure to set time aside for themselves. As much as it killed them both to be away from each other, they knew that it would be better for them to have some space, but they both seemed to know when enough was enough and would end up at the same place by some twist of fate.

Their wedding date had been set exactly a month from that night at Rodi's, despite Jessica and Viki's attempts to have them push the date back just a little to have more time to prepare. Natalie knew that she and John had been apart for too long to waste any more time to worry about details that didn't really matter. She was currently sitting in the waiting room at the gynecologist's office flipping through an old issue of Parents' magazine and waiting for her turn when John walked in. She stood and threw her arms around him.

" Hey, you're late. I was getting worried." He pulled back and kissed her forehead. "Would I let anything stop me from finding out the sex of our baby?" She smiled up at him as she tossed her hair back. "I guess not, especially since you're still hoping for a boy aren't you?" She touched his cheek softly taking any unintentional sting out of her words.

John grinned at her. "You know me too well, huh?" "I know how much you want a son," she replied softly, taking his hand and placing it on her stomach. The baby kicked slightly at his touch and they both laughed. "He knows his daddy." John kissed her softly. "Thank you," he whispered, touching his forehead to hers. "I know that you'll love this baby whether it's a boy or girl, John. For what it's worth, I'm kind of hoping for a little boy myself." Just then the nurse came out. "Natalie Vega?" Natalie took John's hand and they walked into the examination room together.

" Ms. Vega, your baby is in perfect health." The doctor smiled at the couple as they shared a relieved glance. "All of the problems that Dr. Stein warned you about are gone. I think you're going to have a beautiful healthy baby boy come May. I'll leave you two alone for a moment." Dr. Smith smiled at them and walked out.

Natalie threw her arms around John's neck as tears sprang to his eyes. "We're having a son," he whispered, unable to believe it. "Yeah." Natalie laughed in amazement. "Who knew it would feel this great?" She placed a hand on her stomach and gazed at the screen. "God, he's so beautiful isn't he?" she whispered. John squeezed her hand and smiled. "Yeah, he is."

Two weeks later John and Natalie were at Llanfair helping Viki and Jessica with the wedding preparations. "Okay, so. Which color do you like best for the place cards Natalie?" Jessica asked, holding up two almost-identical pieces of fabric. "I don't know, they look the same to me," Natalie quipped. "Maybe John and I should just go, you guys are the experts after all." She stood to her feet with John's help. "Natalie, you have to have some kind of input!" Jessica whined. "It's your own wedding!"

Viki smiled at Natalie. "Go on, honey. You two have a good time and we'll go over our decisions with you later sweetie." She stood and embraced Natalie, kissing her on the cheek. "You take good care of my baby girl and my grandson or there'll be hell to pay." The twinkle in her eye let John breathe easy and he smiled as he replied, "You know I will." They embraced as Natalie and Jesse shared a look. Viki may not have had an easy time accepting John back into the family but now she treated him as another son.

" Come on, let's go. I'm dying for a burger!" John raised an eyebrow at her. "Impatient are we?" She rubbed her belly and nodded. "Yes, your son and I are starving so feed us already, Daddy." She smiled at the look in his eyes as she took his hand and led him outside. "What's going through your mind?" He took her hand and kissed the back of it gently. "Daddy… I never thought I'd be called that. Hell, I never thought I wanted to be called that. But then you came along…" His voice broke and she leaned up to kiss him tenderly.

" Want to know something?" He looked at her. "What?" "I never wanted kids either. When the doctor told me I was pregnant I thought I wanted an abortion." Her voice broke as she lowered her eyes so as not to meet his gaze. John lifted her chin and made her meet his gaze. Her blue eyes were filled with pain and tears as she waited for John's reaction. He simply kissed her softly and waited for her to continue.

" I haven't told anyone else, not even Dr. Welkes. I made it to the center, even into the room. Then I saw all the instruments and the table…" She shuddered. "I knew I couldn't go through with it, so I got the hell out of there. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for even thinking about it." "What made you want to do it?" John asked, sure he already knew the answer. She met his eyes feeling overcome with emotion, unable to believe that he wasn't getting angry.

" I wanted you to feel like I did when I found out about Cris," she whispered. "I wanted you to feel so hurt, so angry that I didn't give you a choice. But it wasn't until I got there that it hit me—this baby is innocent in all of that, which I've forgiven you for anyway." She began to cry softly and John pulled her to him, kissing the top of her head gently. "Shhh, baby." He pulled her away to look her in the eyes. "I understand. The important thing is that you didn't go through with it." "But what the hell kind of a mother can I be? I tried to kill my baby!"

Her eyes widened as it hit her full force, and her hands went to her stomach protectively. "Oh my god," she murmured. John helped her sit down in a chair as he sat down across from her, holding her hands tightly. He brought them to his lips and kissed them. She looked at him, the expression on her face a mixture of fear and disgust. "How can you even look at me right now John?" He smoothed the hair back from her face and tenderly wiped the tears away. "Natalie, you didn't do anything. You went, but you couldn't go through with it, you never could do something like that. You wouldn't let yourself, baby."

Natalie threw herself into his arms and he rocked her gently, rubbing her back soothingly with one hand and stroking her hair with the other. "Shhh, it's okay," he whispered as he kissed the top of her head fiercely. She mumbled something against his chest. "What?" She pulled back and gently touched his face. "I didn't think you would ever be able to forgive me for that," she whispered. "Baby, I've done much worse. What's past is past. You and our son are here and that's all I want to concentrate on right now." She smiled at him. "I don't know how I got this lucky, and I sure as hell don't know how you got to be Mr. Openness, but I like it." He grinned. "It's all thanks you and that shrink of ours." They kissed.

TO BE CONTINUED