Title: Lost Smile
Author: Lilya
Genre: Romance/Angst
Summary: Ichigo doesn't know, but he and his eternal smile changed a life long before he became a Shinigami. Tatsuki's life.
Main Characters: Arisawa Tatsuki, Kurosaki Ichigo.
Rating: G
Pairing: slight Tatsuki/Ichigo.
Disclaimer: nor Bleach nor its characters belong to me.
Lost Smile
When I first met you, I didn't like you.
Weak, stupid, whimpering pansy; mama's little boy to the core – that's what I thought.
I didn't like anything about you.
But the thing that annoyed me the most was your smile.
Bright, goofy, happy smiles always blossoming on you face.
"A man who loses like him shouldn't be smiling like an idiot." That was what I used to think.
Pretty harsh, coming from a four-years-old girl.
But… By nature, I am a dark, melancholic person. Always was and always will be.
No one would ever say it, looking at me now. Everyone thinks of me as an energetic, strong-willed, outgoing and tomboyish girl – although a little on the rough side.
But it isn't always so.
Sometimes there are clouds hanging down on me even when the sun shines – sometimes without a reason. It just happens and I learned to accept it long ago.
But at that time, I did have a reason.
A reason why I didn't like your smiles.
My parents had divorced about one year before – when I was still too young to understand what was happening. I had never seen them fight or heard them raise their voices. I had no clue that my family was less than happy. It was a great shock when everything fell apart.
It was like earth had suddenly crumbled beneath my own feet.
And I just – fell. Down and down, deeper and deeper into a bottomless, dark abyss.
I was sad and wounded and angry.
I was mad at my parents for deceiving me. I was mad at myself for not noticing and not doing a thing to stop them.
My anger and hurt consumed me and soon I started to let it out on my classmates, bullying them and beating them.
My analyst suggested that I should start a sport to let out my repressed feelings and so my mother enrolled me to a nearby dojo.
I discovered I liked karate.
The analyst was right. I trained hard. I'd be the strongest – and then you came.
With your perfect, devoted family – as mine once was.
With your perfect, loving mum.
With your broad, happy grin.
Your smiled that never faded.
I couldn't stand it. And I didn't know why.
I confusedly thought that you had no right to smile like that: that's why, when the group was split, I made sure to end up with you. I wanted to wipe that smile off of your face.
I thought I had succeeded, at first. A strong blow to the upper body and you broke into tears. I though I had won.
But then, you smiled again. And you kept on smiling.
You kept on losing to me, but your smile never faded.
Now I know why I hated it so much.
Because, just by smiling, you started showing me that there was no real strength in darkness, in anger or self-loathing. Being strong doesn't mean hitting harder, but raising after each blow and smile.
You made me start doubting myself and my self-constructed shell.
At first I didn't realize it – and neither did you.
But you did it. You saved me.
I still beat you, you still cried and smiled at your mum.
But somehow, in between, we became… something.
A little more than acquaintances and a little less then friends.
That big, goofy grin of yours still annoyed me – or so I'd say – but I didn't hate it anymore. I guess had grown used to it.
If only I had known that one day it would be gone, I'd have looked closer.
I still remember the day I was told about your mother. I was mad at you: you were skipping school and lessons, nobody knew where you were.
I thought you were slacking off.
And then, somebody told me about your mother. I did the first thing that came to my mind: I ran.
I ran to the riverbank, because I knew you'd be there.
Sometimes I wish I had been wrong. Sometimes I wish somebody had stopped me.
The first time I saw you, I almost didn't recognize you.
You looked so thin and small as you slowly walked down by the riverbank with your schoolbag strapped over one shoulder. Your face was white and there were dark shadows beneath your empty eyes.
For days and days you wandered on the riverbanks from dawn till dusk, without eating or drinking and only squatting down from time to time to ease you aching legs and knees.
For day and days I watched you from afar, chilled to the bone.
When I first met you, I hated so much your smile that I said I never wanted to see it again. I had wished it'd be wiped off your face. And my wish had been granted.
It was my fault.
It took me a long time to find the courage to approach you.
You were sitting on your heels, resting, when I came and sit down by your side.
When will you come back, Ichigo? >>
You looked at me, slightly surprised. I laid a hand on your shoulders. The dojo isn't the same without you. I miss you.>>
But what I really wanted to say was that I missed your smile.
The next day, you came back to school. But you didn't smile anymore.
Time passed. Life went on. Years rolled onward.
We finished elementary school.
We finished middle school.
We ended up in the same high school, in the same class.
And somehow, along the way, you wormed your way into my heart, just like your smile had.
I love you, Ichigo.
And although I used to be the one who made you cry, I'd really like to be the one who makes you happy now.
I know it's hopeless, but – could I be that girl?
Because I'd really like to see you smile every now and then.
Loved it? Hated it? Please leave a review! (It is my first Bleach ff, after all... ' )