It was his third day in the hospital, but the first time without being in a haze or under sedation. Nick had played havoc with his immune system, losing a battle with wills to strep throat. As soon as he arrived back at the ER and began treatment for the bacteria in his system, the strep had kicked in. He was so weak from his original illness that his body could barely fight back against all the threats to his system.
So, his physician put him out for almost two days solid, as she cleared out the septic poisoning and kept his most recent illness from overtaxing his body so much that he succumbed to pneumonia. Nick got the impression that those last couple of days had been fairly intense and that he had scared some of his friends.
No one really mentioned the last seventy-two hours- of which he was grateful. No one really said anything to him at all. Trent Walker had triggered the bomb, killing himself, and preventing the families of he destroyed from ever gaining closure. Nick didn't even really remember much from his confrontation with the man, and felt guilty that his friends had been put at risk when they came over to drag his sorry ass back to safety.
Nick lay on his hospital bed, the covers held tightly over him. He was chilly now, a stark contrast to what he had been over the past few days. He had already forgot what it was like to feel normal. Nick was told that he was lucky and was just suffering from a mild fever now. Nick looked over at his window; he'd been studying a tree several feet away. He noticed a robin flying around and followed it with his eyes.
He heard the approach of footsteps and he moved his head to his side. Sara Sidle entered his room, somewhat hesitantly, which was bit abnormal for her usual confidence.
"Hey, Sar," he greeted her, throat scratchy.
Sara grimaced at Nick's raw voice. "Strep throat on top of everything, huh," she said, taking a seat in the chair next to his bed.
Nick grunted in response as he shifted uncomfortably in the bed and directed his gaze at the ceiling.
Sara looked away as well. She had practiced what she was going to say over a dozen times, only to dismiss the whole thing in favor of just being spontaneous to whatever conversation might transpire. After five solid minutes of Nick ignoring her, she decided to be the one to speak out first.
"I do trust you," she told him softly, already defensive.
Nick cleared his throat before attempting to talk. "You called Grissom."
Sara sat straighter in the chair. "Yes, I did." She looked confused, then smiled, embarrassed. "He didn't tell you... did he?"
"No, I just guessed."
Sara raised an eyebrow. "You're good at reading people."
"A trait that is often criticized," Nick responded dryly.
"Maybe when you let emotions cloud everything else..." Sara started to go on the offensive again, only to have Nick try to shift over to his side.
Sara got up from her chair and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Don't do that. Don't push me away. You're only going to hurt yourself."
Nick settled down on his back- trying to roll over was definitely a bad idea.
Irritated, he wiped at his sweaty face. "Does everything you say today have some kind of double meaning?"
Sara kept her hand on his shoulder. "No, Nick. ...Look, I didn't come here to argue with you. I just wanted to visit. If that is going to upset you, then I'll leave."
Nick felt Sara remove her hand and he reached out to grab it. "Don't," he whispered.
Sara stood somewhat stunned and held onto his fingers as he looked over at her, his expression raw and powerfully torn.
Nick sighed deeply. "Is that how it's going to be for now on? Are you going to walk on eggshells around me?" he asked, his voice scratchy.
Sara shook her head. "No, Nick. I might have a small hint of understanding, and I probably still have no clue about everything, but I know this- what I witnessed wasn't mine to know, but I won't pretend that I didn't hear it."
She contemplated her next thoughts, Nick's eyes still on her face. "It's a part of who you are, but it's only a fraction of what makes you such a good man. We all have secrets, but I learned long ago that sometimes it's okay if they are shared, no matter how painful. If you ever wanted to talk to me about it, I'd listen."
Nick studied Sara's sincerity in her voice and patted her hand. "Okay." He coughed again. "You... um... want to stay for a while?'
Sara smiled and sat back down. "Yeah."
Nick inhaled deeply, taking in the crisp, clean air into his lungs. It was nice to feel natural warmth. It was refreshing and seemed to energize the weariness that seeped into his bones and flesh. For once his skin was not burning with fever, and his body didn't have a constant ache that seemed to suck the life out of him. He was on day four at the hospital and he was really growing weary of being trapped inside. Greg pushed the wheelchair through the grounds outside the hospital. It was early morning and there was a slight breeze, whipping around some of the leaves.
Greg stopped the chair under a tree, the spot where Nick had requested to go. He just wanted to bask in the outdoors and maybe spot the robin he saw building a nest in the nearby branches. Nick shifted around in his seat. He felt a bit more comfortable. At least he had on sweatpants now, and not that damn hospital-issued pair of pajama-type bottoms. Greg put the chair brake on and wandered around to the other side, still abnormally subdued.
Nick tried to keep from fiddling with his IV. It was such a pain in the ass. He hated this. The few moments of serenity were already slipping away. He didn't want Greg to push him out here. He could have done it himself, but the rookie was in his room, and he had finally gotten permission to go outside.
"I bought the Sony PSP for... ah... Jason," Greg mentioned after a long period of silence.
Nick's eyes had been closed, and he peeled back his eyelids and looked over at the rookie.
"I'll give you some money for it when I get out of here."
Greg lowered his eyes, embarrassed. "It's cool, man. Whenever."
Nick studied Greg's awkwardness around him. He knew where the tension stemmed from and he couldn't stand it anymore. Nick exhaled and was about to breach the dreaded topic when Greg interrupted his train of thought.
"I'm sorry for everything, Nick. For not knowing what to do back at the Todd house and for freaking out. I just ended up hanging outside the van. I felt like I abandoned you while you dealt with Walker."
Nick kept his reaction hidden. He glanced over at Greg. "You weren't inside the van at all?"
Greg looked down at his shoes. "No, I just couldn't bring myself to listen to anything after I saw you get grabbed… I'm sorry," he stammered.
The relief that Nick felt wasn't easy to conceal. "Dude, it's all right. It's not anything I really want to relive." Nick looked over at his friend. He reached out and touched his arm. "As far as what happened at the Todd house, I really put both of us in a lot of danger. It was reckless and stupid… I'm sorry for putting you in that situation."
Greg shrugged. "I learned a lot from this case. There is so much more to what we do then just evidence. Cases are people too, and we should never lose sight of that."
"It's a fine line," Nick murmured. He coughed slightly, his throat still very sore.
Greg gave him a small smile. "I learn from you every day, Nick. Thank you."
Before Nick could respond, Greg gestured to the outside area. "Look, I know you kind of wanted to take this in alone. I'll be over there by that bench if you need anything."
Greg walked away to give his buddy some space. Greg debated many times over whether or not he would admit to knowing about Nick's secret and concluded that nothing positive could come out of it. So lying to him just then about it seemed a logical thing to do. It gave Nick peace of mind, and Greg from now on would be aware of any similar circumstances that might pop up in the future.
Three more hours until he was free of the drab walls, beige ceilings, and the smell of antiseptic. Nick sat in a chair, flipping through television channels on the 9-inch screen, of which only one station came in clearly. He began to pace and then settled back down in a huff, waiting to be picked up.
The door to his room opened and he looked up expectantly. Catherine entered with two other people close behind her. At first he was surprised, knowing that Warrick was going to take him home. Then Nick's eyes got large when Jason Todd and his mother hovered in the doorway.
Catherine looked over at the criminalist. "You mind some company before you get sprung?"
Nick got up out of his chair and smiled genuinely when Jason walked over to him as his mother remained in the far corner of the room.
"Hey pal. How are you?" Nick asked the little boy.
Jason looked around the hospital room with slight nervousness. Nick followed the youngster's gaze. "What'cha looking at, Jason?" Nick asked.
The child adjusted his glasses. "This is a hospital room."
Catherine went over to stand next to Marisa Todd who watched her son talk with the criminalist. Nick looked over at both women out of the corner of his eye. "Yes it is. Kind of boring, isn't it?"
Jason looked up at Nick. "This is where sick people go?"
Nick nodded his head. He carefully squatted down to stay at eye level with the boy. "Yes it is, but then you get better and go home."
Jason whispered, "Are you better?'
Nick nodded. "Yes, I am."
"Coach Nero hurt you though," Jason said, causing his mother to shift uncomfortably behind them.
Nick wanted to put his hand on Jason's shoulder but thought better of it. "Yes, but the doctors and nurses fixed me back up."
Jason leaned closer to Nick's ear. "Mommy says that Coach Nero was a sick man, too. Is that why he was mean?"
Nick bit his lip, not knowing what kind of line to tread with the kid. He looked over at the two women and chose his words cautiously.
"Yes, he was. It would take a lot more to make him better. His illness caused him to do things he was not supposed to."
Jason looked at the floor. "He told me all sorts of bad things."
Nick's heart began to race, but he remained calm. "Did he hurt you, Jason?'
The little boy quickly shook his head. "No. He said all sorts of nice things to me, but after a while he started to get very mad. Told me he'd hurt my mom and dad if I didn't go with him that night." Jason started to sniffle, as he ran his hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry I went with him."
Nick felt his chest ache and he put his arm around the little boy who quickly embraced him with a hug.
"Shhhh, Jason. It's okay. You were very brave and you wanted to make sure your parents were okay." Nick comforted the boy and assured him everything would be all right.
Marisa and Catherine slowly approached the two and Jason walked back over and grabbed his mother's hand. "Thank you for everything, Mr. Stokes. For risking your life, for saving my little boy." Marisa was barely able to control her voice as she thanked the criminalist.
Nick stood up slowly. "It's all right, Mrs. Todd. I just hope that everyone gets the right amount of help needed."
Marisa brushed away a tear, still clinging on to her child's hand. "I will. I'm going to make sure Jason goes to see someone after everything he went though. As for his father… well, I'll take it one step at a time."
Nick nodded his head. The woman looked down at her son. "Say goodbye to Mr. Stokes, okay?"
Jason went back over to Nick to give him a hug. "Mom says I can go talk to a nice doctor about what I'm feeling and that she'll help."
Nick smiled at him. "Your mom is a smart lady."
Jason looked over at Nick. "Are you going to go talk to a doctor about what Coach Nero said when you were scared?"
Nick blinked, knowing that the boy really had no clue what he was asking. He looked over at Catherine who gave him a pointed expression. Nick broke from her gaze. "I think I am, Jason."
Marisa Todd excused herself, wishing Nick the best. Catherine remained in the room for a moment. "I'm driving them back over to the station for a few more forms." Catherine looked over at Nick her intent quite clear. "Were you telling Jason the truth? You going to go see someone, Nick?"
Nick shifted around, not quite ready to talk any more about what was going through his head. "I planed on looking into it," he said simply.
Catherine raised an eyebrow. "I hope so, Nicky." She looked at her watch.
"Warrick will be here any minute. I know you're anxious to get out of here. He's bringing another set of clothes."
Nick chuckled. "I think I owe him like three wardrobes."
Catherine shook her head. "I hope you'll do yourself a favor, Nick, and stick to your promise."
Nick tilted his head. "I think I will."
"I can't believe you bought me this shirt," Nick said shaking his head at the 'threads' his partner had purchased for him. He looked down at himself, still trying to get over the fact that $150 was spent on a black shirt, with just a simple set of buttons.
Warrick appraised Nick's new designer jeans and the hot number he bought at the Man Style store. He whistled. "I think it's the best outfit you got."
Nick looked at the slip-on loafers that were waiting for him as well. He wouldn't have to bend over so much to tie his usual boots. "Man, I'm leaving the hospital to go straight home. It's not like I'm going on a date."
Warrick snorted. "Apparently you haven't seen the disappointed looks of some the staff. A few numbers were slipped to me by some of those nurses."
Warrick took out several folded slips of paper. Nick wandered over and peered over his shoulder.
His eyes grew big. "Four numbers? You're kidding right?"
Warrick laughed. "Nope, I even got a couple for myself. So I thought you should leave in style, and then you'd have something much hotter to wear when you took one of them out."
Nick shook his head. "Only you, bro. I don't need a dating service, you know."
Again Warrick gave him one of his disbelieving expressions. "Says the guy who took two months to give his number to the camera-store girl." He laughed some more at the evil look he received.
"Now come on, be nice, get into the wheelchair and let's get out of here."
Nick didn't stay in his new clothes for very long after changing into something more comfortable when he got home. Warrick made himself at home in his kitchen, making them both sub sandwiches while Nick looked for a game on the television. Warrick brought a tray filled with food and they both dug into it as they watched the NFL halftime report.
"What about that doctor of yours. I didn't see her today."
Nick had to cover his mouth from spitting out his food. "Jeez, man. She treated me when I got back, and then another resident took over during her days off. Will you chill with my love life, man?"
Nick smiled at his bud, knowing he was only trying to keep the mood upbeat. For a moment he forgot about the wire in his vest and all the nice audio transmissions of his personal life. He was still fuzzy on what exactly was said, but he knew enough to feel awkward around his best friend.
The game went on, the small talk continued and Nick was starting to wear out quickly. His head began nodding off a little after finishing his dinner. He felt someone's hand tapping him on his shoulder and he was instantly awake.
Warrick was looking over at him, and that fun spark in his eyes was gone to be replaced with that darn concerned one. "I'm about to leave, but I wanted you to remember to take your pills, dude."
Warrick had a glass of water and his medication. He accepted the antibiotics and pain pills without question and swallowed them both.
"You know I was so wrapped up in the case and being kind of ticked off at you that I forgot to give you your meds when you were first hurt," Warrick said.
Nick wasn't about to go down the Boulevard of Guilt. "Dude, it's all good. I was kind of in my own tunnel vision."
Warrick shook his head. "I know you were. That's the problem, I wasn't a good enough friend to confront you the way I should have instead of just letting you get sucked in deeper."
"What, now you're my mom? The only person in control of me was me, man. No one else is to blame. I might have not stepped back, but I did not lose focus on the case."
Warrick stood up a bit angrily. "Fuck the case, Nick. It was more than just that. I was too blinded, trying to watch your back, instead of just knocking some sense into you. And that'll never happen again. I hope you do the same for me if I ever start that kind of self-destructive shit."
Nick felt his defenses going up, but took a breath and calmed down. "I wasn't self-destructive," Nick retorted.
Warrick's eyes were blazing, but he started to back down. He licked his lips. "I don't know what was going on inside your head, not at all. What you did to save that child was amazing, man. Freaking insane and brave all at the same time. The things that were said are going to be left at that church."
Warrick went over towards his friend, his voice softer. "What happened when you were younger didn't make you weaker... in fact, I'd say you're the strongest guy I know, dude."
Nick looked down at the floor, "Thanks man," he mumbled. He looked back up. "Now get outta here, I need to go to bed."
Warrick smiled and shook his bud's hand, giving them their patented 'ghetto low five'. Warrick patted Nick on the back and let himself out. Nick looked around the room. He was now bone-tired and went to bed for the night.
Nick took a look at the outfit that his 'bro' had bought him and settled for a button-down navy shirt, jeans and of course his loafers. He wasn't quite ready for his usual boots. He had just recently showered and shaved... all without any pain.
It was nice to be back to semi-normal except for a tad of discomfort. He still had a week of leave on the books. When he had called about a return date, he was informed about his enforced extra time off. Nick looked at himself in the mirror, feeling confident that he wouldn't scare away his date. Nick did put off the call long enough. He was mentally going over the items he needed- car keys, wallet- when he heard a soft knock. He looked at his watch knowing she was early, so he wandered over in his bare feet.
He smiled when he opened the door, but it slowly faded at the sight of his supervisor.
"Grissom," Nick said surprised.
Gil Grissom arched an eyebrow. "Bad timing?"
Nick floundered for a response. "Um... well... ah, no, come in," he said, opening the door for the other man.
Grissom walked in as Nick contemplated why his boss would come over to visit him at home.
"There something wrong, Grissom?" he asked, while his supervisor just stood in his living room.
"No. Should there be?" Gil replied.
"Uh, no. Well, it's just... you know…" Nick didn't really finish his sentence.
Grissom stared at him with an unreadable expression. "I was on my way in to work and wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm good," Nick said lamely.
Grissom pulled out a form out of his breast pocket. "I'm trying to file my paperwork on time for once. I really need your signature on this."
Nick was a bit amused by this newfound sense of commitment but he took the paper and looked over at it. The sheet was an evaluation form on his supervisory role. Nick's eyes grew large at the number of outstandings he had.
He looked up dumbfounded. "I-I don't understand?"
Grissom just gave him one of his patented stares. "You don't think you deserve this?"
Nick held the paper in the air, his supervisor not accepting it back. "I screwed up."
Grissom looked back at the form. "You supervised an incredibly complex case, while submitting all necessary paper work for all the lab duties. You re-assigned staff to handle the overload from Days, you supported your employees during their cases, correctly doing follow up procedures at every step. You handled multiple cases, and juggled some difficult circumstances with the Vegas Gun society."
Grissom flipped over the stapled paper. "Your peers gave you high marks. You were approachable and punctual. You showed leadership as well as people skills. You did however; fail to take yourself off the case when circumstances caused your inability to be subjective," Grissom pointed out in another section.
Grissom peered at him through his glasses. "You took unacceptable risks during the case and endangered yourself and a fellow CSI when you went back to the scene without an officer escort. For that, you've been formally written up, but not suspended."
Nick looked at the evaluation again, accepting the criticism. "I'd say that was fair."
Grissom handed him a pen, in which Nick placed the form on an end table to scribble his name down, then handed it back to his boss.
Grissom still stood quietly. Nick looked over at him again. "Anything else?"
Grissom's expression faltered. "You know how I feel about your attachment to victims. You still need to stay objective."
Nick knew this was coming. "Yeah, I know. It's all about the evidence, the facts. The 'how' and not the 'why'." Nick looked at the ceiling and back at his boss. "You think the 'why' in this case got messed up because of my personal feelings and my ability to connect with the victims."
Nick looked him in the eye. "Maybe you're right, Grissom. Maybe it does make me a bad CSI, and that you'll have to be extra careful with assignments for now on. Worry about me and my issues." Nick looked at his mentor with seriousness. "All I can say is that you don't… that… I'm still a good investigator, emotions or not."
Grissom looked thoughtful as he folded up the evaluation form. "Some people think that only intellect counts. That knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it is all that's important. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion, and empathy. "
Nick simply blinked.
Grissom sort of nodded his head. "I think you're a good CSI, Nick. I've held you back before because of your emotions, your attachments. But, now I know 'why' and this time the reason is important."
Grissom lifted his hand almost nervously, and after a brief moment gently placed it on Nick's shoulder. "You know where to find me if you ever want to just talk."
Nick was still mute, he just sort of nodded.
Gil raised his eyebrow. "I'll see you at work next week." He gave Nick a soft squeeze to his arm and walked away.
Nick stood still a bit shocked as his supervisor let himself out. He sat down on his sofa still somewhat numb from the whole exchange. Did Grissom just accept him for who he was? Nick swallowed, still astonished and felt a warmth fill him.
His thoughts were once again disturbed by a knock at the door. His mind still reeling he opened it to present the redhead inside his house.
"You know, it's rare to meet a doctor who makes house calls," Nick said, smirking.
Dr. Linda Taylor laughed. "Not a house call, Mr. Stokes. I mean, I did take myself off your case after you came back to my ER."
Nick chuckled. "Yes, you did. Can't have a violation of some work code."
She smiled coyly. "No, I can't."
"I've got to put on my shoes, I ran late by an unexpected visitor. Make yourself at home," Nick said as he rushed to put on his loafers.
Nick retuned, ready to go for dinner. He opened the door for her as they walked outside. She studied him for a moment in the night air.
He looked at her curiously. "What?"
She shook her head. "Nothing. I just can't wait to learn more about the white knight who spends his time helping others and has a keen interest in Ornithology."
Nick's cheeks reddened. "Well, I'm a bit more complicated then that."
She took his arm as they headed for his SUV. "I'm sure you are."
The End.
Author's notes.
I'm fairly pleased with this work. Almost everything I want to invoke, to capture and explore transmitted well to paper. I tried a new style and am again pretty satisfied with the results. This was a tough one to write, but it gave me immense pleasure. I want to thank everyone who read this and let me know their thoughts, its always encouraging of course to see people connect with something you wrote.
I want to thank Tinkerbell for all of her hard work with the edits, I know she didn't epic this epic, but I'm happy to have worked with her. I want to thank Poncolives for our late night IM sessions, where she would give me some advice on little things, all your thoughts were very much appreciated. I also want to thank Amy for her guidance with some of the medical portions.
I'll be combining this story into one file. I had a request for the whole thing by a couple of people when it was complete so if you would like me to send it to you, just e-mail me.
I won't be gone for too long. The next project will be a totally different direction to keep things fresh. Expect the new fic to be much more action and adventure oriented. It's going to be fun and I will be writing it together with Everybetty. We've come up with a fairly exciting plot, and have even created away to write the whole story together as a single piece, and not alternating chapters so it will flow very nicely.
So, for now, everyone have fun. Take care-
Kristen