Authors note: Well, here it is the fourth chapter. You know how I'm making dumb jokes and even stupider comments with some random stuff? This same question keeps on rebounding in my head: Why do people like this series? Oh well, I think too much, time start banging myself on the head with an Evangelion DVD. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… (This should continue for about good ten minutes.)
Disclaimer: I do not own GAIANX, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ubi-soft, and Platoon…
Shinji sat in the waiting room all alone. Asuka had been cured (sort of), and Rei was now had her own home, garden, and fashion show. He felt alone, again, partly because he had nobody to think about when he masturbated. Hikari just didn't cut it, because she went "basket case" from the Breakfast Club, and enjoyed filling her sandwiches with sugar and Fritos. She was weird, even for Shinji's standards, and Tojo obsessed with Shinji's demise, so none of them worked out. Misato was well too old for Shinji, about a decade too old. Plus Shinji thought that she had some kind of STD, like genital herpes (yeeekkk!), crabs (AAAAGGGGHHH!), or AIDS (isn't anybody concerned about the morals anymore?) Shinji didn't notice the looming threat over him: the terrible Kaworu and his sidekick, the crazy Jackson 05. No one seemed to be noticing them at them time, because Michael was so white he blended right into the walls of NERV.
"Shinji," Kaworu said creepily "how are you doing, right now?" Shinji looked up at Karou and a strange looking nose behind him. He got tense a little tense, but relaxed when Shinji thought it was his imagination. Kaworu started moving intimately close to Shinji.
"Shinji," Kaworu cooed with a sparkle in his eyes "I'd like you to meet my friend."
"Hey kid," said the figure "I'm Michael Jackson. I think you're going to like my Neverland Ranch with plenty of wine and satin sheet." Michael started to drool. "Mmmmm, yes, satin sheets." The Therapist then walked in the door furious that he had to play solitaire while he waited on people. When he looked o his right, he saw Michael Jackson and Kaworu staring down at Shinji. Shinji while in the fetal position was leaving two open points: the anus and his ears. Kaworu was talking in his ear softly speaking.
"…we can share beds, hold hands and no more EVA." No man should be put this torture, but Shinji whose mind was little by little cracking, was growing more and more compliant. The Therapist pulled out his tranquilizer hand-gun.
"PWHAP!" went the tranq from barrel to neck. Kaworu flopped over like a puppet with no strings on top of Shinji. The Therapist reloaded another clip into his gun and pointed on the nearly invisible Jackson.
"Now come on darling," Michael pleaded "let me talk to the boy, please." The Therapist grinned with malice and a little hint of Asuka. He placed his index finger over the trigger and stroked his non-existent beard.
"Well Michael," The Therapist grinned "ever since that album photo of Thriller, I knew you were screwed up. And you were with Kaworu, and trying to get Shinji in your little love triangle, you sick bastard. I would love to turn you over to the police, but there are too many fans of yours here. I guess I'm going to have to dispose of you myself, GTA style. WELCOME TO JAPAN, BITCH!" The Therapist unloaded three empty tranqs into Michael's chest.
"Hehehe," giggled Michael "those were empty, who's the bit...uuuunnnnhhh" Michael seized up and dropped onto the floor, where he finally died.
"Ok, everybody quick science lesson;" The Therapist started "force air into a person's heart and they have a heart attack." Everybody stopped what they were doing and rushed into the Therapist's office. The Therapist grinned, but saw one loner in the waiting room still: Kaji. The Therapist walked into his office eager to cure them all, but then he looked on in horror. They had gone into his stash of empty tranquilizers, and started stabbing each other with them. Hikari rammed three into Tojo, and Tojo slammed 5 into Hikari. Misato stabbed Ritsuko, after Ritsuko asked her what the hell was going on. Shinji put three into Misato and one into himself. Kensuke put one in his leg (Platoon, anyone?). This lasted a few long seconds, before all of them collapsed from heart attacks. The Therapist shook his head in disgust and walked out of the room to the waiting room. He saw Kaji sitting in his chair rather uncomfortably, this was the first time in a while that someone hadn't sat on his legs. It took a while to get the feeling back in his legs.
"Hey Kaji," said the Therapist "do you think you could help me with a mess here?"
"What did my girlfriend do now?" Kaji sighed.
"Well it's all of them." The Therapist replied.
"Alright, I'll help." Kaji moaned under his breath "I'm getting too old for this." The Therapist threw Hikari over his shoulders and dragged Shinji by the collar. Kaji obviously took Misato. The Therapist set Hikari and Shinji down on two separate chairs. Kaji set Misato down next to them. The Therapist went back to drag Tojo and Ritsuko out of his office, however Kaji didn't follow. He started slobbering on the unconscious Misato! The Therapist walked back into the waiting room where he saw Kaji. He forgot all about Tojo and Ritsuko and both their heads fell with "CRACK!" as the hit the floor. The Therapist's mouth was gaping in horror! This EVA cast was more screwed up then the reports said. The Therapist threw himself back to reality as he started to speak.
"Condoms and toothbrushes were invented for a reason, Mr. Kaji." Kaji jerked around and looked at the Therapist, clearly ashamed of himself that he would do this sort of thing in broad daylight. "Mr. Kaji," the Therapist continued "Kensuke still needs to be picked up. Can you do it without putting the moves on Misato or Ritsuko?" Kaji nodded his head briskly, without looking back at the Therapist. As Kaji walked out of the office, the Therapist made sure he didn't do anything sexual by pointing his tranquilizer gun at him. Kaji started sweated bullets faster than Homer Simpson on a treadmill for 10 minutes (if he could survive that long). Kaji threw Kensuke on the ground and cautiously made his way back to the office. When he walked in the office, Kaji quickly took a seat, as the Therapist double bolted the door to the waiting room. "So Mr. Kaji…something, I think you and I both know why you are here." The Therapist bluntly stated.
"Well because Gendo, suggested that I'm critically insane. Even though I'm obviously not. He's probably overly stressed in his little bunker like Hitler."
"You think? Did you just see what you were doing in the waiting room? You were doing things that you should be doing in an elevator! And with a drunk woman too! Have you no sense of dignity man?" The Therapist sat back down calmly in his chair, waiting for a response from Kaji. "I'm waiting Kaji." He said impatiently.
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking…" the Therapist looked at his watch while yawning. " I was doing CPR on her. I mean she was passed out from that heart attack."
"Kaji, this is anime. People are almost invincible here, I mean look at Keitaro from Love Hina, Ichigo from Bleach, Kenshin from Samurai X, or Rei from Evangelion. Those should've died plenty of times, but no they go on living somehow, without seriously being maimed. Do you think a heart attack is going to stop them? They'll be up at the end of this session." Kaji stared in amazement. He knew he had to talk straight here, but the problem was he didn't know how to.
"Well…ok" Kaji confessed "I do have problem with Misato, but that's it. No one else, nope not a soul. Not a soul."
"Then explain this, Episode 9, Scene 2 of Neo Genesis Evangelion."
(This is a recording)
Kaji: You've lost some weight.
Ritsuko: Oh?
Kaji: You're enduring an unrequited love.
Ritsuko: Really? You're so very sure.
Kaji: A woman with a mole on her cheek is destined to life full of hardship and sorrow.
Ritsuko: If you're trying to put the moves on me, you can't, not while that face is pressed against the glass anyway (Misato's face is pressed against the window). It's been quite a while Kaji.
Kaji: It's been a while alright
(End recording)
Kaji looked blankly at the screen with his mouth wide open. He could not believe that was him right there. The Therapist not waiting for Kaji to respond popped in another recording.
(Start Recording)
Setting: Rei's room late at night, while she is in the shower. It splinter cell like figure moves on top of the ceiling, his feet are the only thing holding him up from a hard fall. He sets up a camera, only the size of a thumbnail, in the corner of Rei's room. He heard the shower being turned off, as he finished the final touches on the camera. Rei walked out of her bathroom with only a towel draped over her shoulders. A voice that was not Rei's was starting to come on.
"Damn, if she spots me the mission is gone." It was Kaji's voice! "I need a distraction, ok I'll shoot her, oh wait no that wouldn't work." The Splinter Cell-Kaji paused for second and then said triumphantly "I know," he took his pistol took aim and fired at the Ikari's glasses on the "shrine" Rei had set up. As they shattered into a million pieces, Rei burst in tears and ran to the glasses. "Mission Accomplished" Splinter-Cell Kaji said bluntly.
(End Recording)
Kaji just stared into space, almost like he was dead. The Therapist waved his fingers at Kaji, but it was no use. The shock and awe tactic proved to be too shocking for Kaji. Kaji then looked at the Therapist again, twitched and twitched again. The Therapist spoke to Kaji in a friendly and calming manner.
"Kaji, why did you set up the camera in Rei's room?"
"NERV asked me to watch her?" Kaji said stupidly.
"Nope, there already was a camera installed in her room. Why another one, Kaji?
"For security" Kaji replied.
"All you did was watch those tapes in your office, Kaji. Want me to show you some more?"
"No, thank you." Kaji paused "Okay, so I've got a problem. What the hell do I need to do to fix it?"
"Well for starters," the Therapist began "get away from Misato. A little R&R, you know a little rest and relaxation never hurt anyone."
"Ok, but where do I go? Kaji asked.
"Well I know you would like to be an actor, and I do have some people I can hook you up with at Warner Brothers. How about you take some acting."
"I can…I can act, you're serious?" Kaji said child-like.
"Yes, give me a minute and a chopper will take you across the sea to the states, where you can start you're acting career." Kaji started to cry up a flood.
"I can't believe this," Kaji said tearfully "is it too good to be true?"
"Yes! Now get off Kaji! I just swept the floor this morning!"
"Is the chopper waiting?" Kaji said impatiently.
"Yes, now get out of my office, damn you!"
"I will never be able to thank you enough."
"JUST LEAVE ALREADY, DAMMIT!"
"WHEEEE!" Kaji skipped and jumped with joy as he bounced out of the Therapist's office.
"Damn, that guy is annoying." The Therapist said flatly.
Epilouge: Kaji soon left for the states, where he found his first acting job. He starred as the Exorcist in Exorcist 3: The really, really, really bad one. In this one he smites demons with bad country music! After a bad stint in acting, he is now the spokesperson for Gillette. Kaji now lives in a mansion overlooking Folsom Lake in California.