Authors Note: Well school has certainly slowed down my writing. Damn Honors English, I bombed a test and know well…most of you know what happens after that. Along with PSAT's coming, my week is pretty much set. Well at least I'll have plenty of time to think of some more random things
Disclaimer: In case any of you are working for some corporate police department, I guess I have to say this again. Ahem I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or GAINAX or any of its affiliates. Nor, do I own any businesses mentioned in this fan fiction. All people are fictitious and are really not who they are. They're actually more boring. See, Society, I'm not a total failure and I will contribute to the building of America. But before that I have to make a story that most uptight people would faint at the sight at and then want to silence me. I can already hear the mob outside my house.
Back at NERV headquarters, the rest of the patients were still looked up in the little three by six foot closet.
"I never thought I'd be this way with a whole bunch of kids!" Misato moaned "Stop kicking me Shinji!"
"Sorry Misato-Chan I need some leg room. And I'd really like some space between Hikari and you. I might get some wood, if you know what I mean."
Toji looked back, "Dude, you'd better touch me with that thing or else kick yer friggin' ass." Hikari squirmed towards Shinji, were she started to put her legs between his.
"I'd like to feel it Shinji. Could you 'whip' it up for me?"
"Hikari, what the hell?" Toji shouted "I thought you liked me, not him!"
"Aw, Toji you're so cute when you're whiny," Hikari smiled "but you were too boring for me. You don't do anything to me or anything to anybody. You just sit there and talk about how you hate Shinji."
"Ok, kids lets not let our hormones get a hold of us." Misato interrupted as Hikari wrapped both her legs around Shinji.
"Advice Misato," Misato tried to look back at Toji who was behind Shinji and Hikari "Shinji's a chick magnet if you haven't noticed."
"A little too late for that, Toji," Misato flinched as she felt something on the ground "This better not be what I think it is?"
"What?" chimed the other three in unison.
Misato looked at them with utter disgust "Shinji is this yours? I don't remember you even know what these were."
"Dat's disgusting Misato!" yelled Toji "Put that damn thing away before Shinji remembers what to do with that."
"He wouldn't use this." Misato said while looking like she was going to puke.
"Why not?" asked Shinji.
"It's used," Misato said dreadfully "and not even the good kind too. I didn't know they made these anymore?"
"Hey Misato you found my teddy bear! Oh my God, thank you Misato." Toji's blood started to boil as he saw the 'thing'. It was a genuine Care Bear! It was even dressed up with a pink bow tie and a rainbow chest. Misato was shaking her head at this boy she had watched over for the time he was an Evangelion pilot. Hikari's eyes lit up like stars when she saw the bear.
"HOW CUTEEEE! My little Shinji has a Care Bear!" Shinji started to sweat bullets as he know noticed that Toji and Misato were shunning him while Hikari was hugging him or his bear. He realized he was in dire straights.
"Dude, dat is so sad," Toji said bluntly "by the way where da hell is dat therapist? He should've been back by now?"
'I don't know about that," Misato sighed "I've lost faith in everything, and now that Shinji's up in Hikari's skirt, I don't know what the hell to believe." Toji realizing this was his only chance to make moves on Misato, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Oh finally, is that you Mr. Therapist?" The door swung wide open with Karou standing in the way, smiling ear to ear.
"Well what do I owe this pleasure," Karou sighed "All the boys for me and some girls for some massaging pleasure. Let me in there!"
"DAMMIT KAROU!" Misato screamed as she smashed his face in with her shoe "This isn't the time or place to do that, we're getting out."
"Damn, we were having fun." Shinji and Hikari both protested.
"NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!" Toji and Misato both yelled so loud it made the Evangelions fall out of the cages. Karou got up rubbing his head were Misato left a huge purple bruise.
"So what the hell is going on?" he asked. Shinji turned around and looked at Karou.
"Weren't you thrown into a pool of LCL a few hours ago?" Karou looked at his clothes and then at Shinji. Karou realized he was completely dry and that he couldn't swim.
"So how you did get out of there?" Misato asked Karou.
"I don't remember." Karou replied scratching his head. The remainder of the cast walked out to the waiting room, where the Therapist was waiting for them. They all looked at him in stupefied shock.
"What you guys aren't glad to see me?" He was greeting by kicks to the groin and face by Misato and Toji. While they were 'greeting' The Therapist, Hikari, the sex fiend, and Shinji, the sterile one, frenched in the corner. Karou just stood idly by, waiting for this to be over. "I'll take that…ouch…as a no."
"Ya betta take dat as a complement! Ya Bastard!" Toji said, grinning over the therapist.
"First you lock us in a closet and you don't even have the courtesy to take us out? What the hell were you drinking at that nightclub?" Misato kicked him again then had to pry Hikari off Shinji, because Shinji was starting to lose oxygen.
"Ok, well!" The Therapist jumped up as if nothing happened "Who gets to be the lucky one! Volunteers, please!"
"Nope."
"Hell no."
"No."
"Sorry"
"So Hikari, you're with me,"
"Huh? Who was that?" Hikari looked up from her Play Girl magazine.
"I have a few requests, though. Number One: pants, number two: no thongs and no bra, and I'm sending you to the hentai magazines, and number three: please refrain from orgasmic moaning, flashing, or bending down in any way in front of me."
"This guy's an idiot." Misato whispered to Shinji.
"Yeah, no kidding." Shinji whispered back. The Therapist turned around and looked at Shinji and Misato who were now staring off into space and humming to themselves.
"Alright, Therapist-san but I don't have any pants."
"What! You mind running that by me again?"
"I've never owned a pair although out the whole season of Evangelion."
"Aw, damn it all to hell. Fine then at the very least change your manners so you're not flashing me every 5 seconds, ok?
"No guarantees about that. But take me to the room, now!" Hikari looked like a Sailor Moon girl. Her skirt just grew considerably short; her eyes grew huge and now had little stars in them. She even had the big, poofy, curly, eighties-ish hair.
"OOOKKKKAAAYYY. Lose the Shojo act Hikari. Please." The Therapist said flatly. "Just change your clothes Hikari."
"Oh, damn you're no fun." Hikari stuck her tongue out him and went back into the ladies room to change.
"Oh you're in for a surprise, Therapist. She'll come out with something worse." Toji looked back at the ladies room. Hikari got out with a shirt and pants on, but not the right kind.
"FOR CRIPES SAKE! Hikari that's demeaning to women, honey." Karou yelled. Misato could only shake her head in disgust, as Toji and Shinji looked on in drooled amazement. Hikari was wearing shirt that just looked like a poor excuse for not wearing a bra. Her pants were... nothing but pink chaps.
"I'm ready!" Hikari said as she let her face brighten up the room while her clothes defiled it.
"Ok, fine but you're at least putting on a towel."
"Damn."
"Now c'mon inside, you're going to freeze."
"I thought it was an eternal summer here. Right?"
"Just get inside."
In the office, it was quiet as usual, although Hikari was making enough noise with her own orgasmic moans. The Therapist just grabbed some earplugs from his desk to block it out.
"So, before this session takes place can you please leave all sex desires behind, please Hikari."
"I don't know, let me think. No!"
"Ok, that's problem number one: Hikarisex fiend."
"I'm not a sex fiend. We girls don't have Viagra or anything like that we have a little thing called our period."
"Yeah, yeah next you're going to tell me is that you're on you're period. I am I right?"
"Bingo you are! And here's proof." She lifted up her skirt were there was a huge red stain covering a once-white pair of panties. All the Therapist could do was shake his head and turn away. "Really this is just what happens to us girls. Why don't you guys ever get used to it?"
"Because Hikari," The Therapist with his hand still covering his eyes "guys are slow to change. Take a hint already!"
"Well ok, I get it. Even though you are twenty or thirty something you still haven't gotten laid yet."
"SHUT UP!"
"Ok well, I'll make you a real man. Are you ready to rock?"
"Um… Hikari, I have a confession to make."
"What is it?"
"I'm not a pedophile, so leave your panties on and sit down." The Therapist looked down his list of things Hikari had that weren't normal. "So I see you have an obsession with sandwiches."
"Yeah I like sandwiches because of my former job."
"I thought 14 year-olds couldn't have jobs in Japan."
"Well in my past life…"
"Wait, did you just say past life?"
"That's right, in my past life I was the co-founder for Subway Inc."
"Ok, Hikari. So tell me about this 'past life' of yours."
"Well my past life is the reason of my sex drive and my obsession for sandwiches because the owner of Subway Sandwiches also loved his playboy bunnies."
"Um… both the owners of Subway Sandwiches have no ties to the Playboy Mansion whatsoever. You're just making this up to make an excuse for yourself and your antics."
"Ok, fine. It was an alternate universe, there happy?"
"Yeah, that'll be fine." He wrote down in his notebook: "She's lost it entirely."
"So, since my former self was a guy, I have never had any problems with naked guys. I just have a problem with them, period."
"But why are you constantly with a guy in these sessions. First, Toji, then it was Shinji. Who's next? Karou?"
"Nope, Kaji's the next one."
"He's already got Misato and Asuka on him. And if I recall Misato has a Colt .45 on her at all time as well as some booze. Asuka has an Evangelion and she rules over Germany now. What do you have that can beat them?"
"I can call upon my fellow sisters and brothers in arms at Subway Sandwiches. I'll just seduce the rest of the people I'll need."
"Wait…"
"That's it! Thanks Mr. Therapist, I finally know what the rest of my life is supposed to be!"
"Hikari…" Before Therapist could stop her, Hikari ran outside and raced to the nearest Subway Restaurant. "Oh boy," The Therapist muttered to himself "I better not tell Gendo about this."
Epilouge: Hikari finally made it to the Subway Resturant, where she railed the workers and the entire Subway staff around the world in a crusade To eliminate the threat of Asuka Langley Soryu from the face of the earth. Armed with sub-machine guns andlettuce mashers, the workers of Subway tackle the might of the Asukain army. Last reports say that Hikari and her army have just made great advances on the Russian front. The Russians are glad to now have Asuka as their liberator and savior as well as bringing great food to the oppressed people of the former Soviet Union.