A/N I had this idea as I read some fanfic on Azkaban's Lair. I swear it isn't what that fic was like. It's just Sirius's thoughts in Azkaban. And it is slash. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, LEAVE. NOW. RIGHT NOW! )
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am paid nothing. Only thing I get out of this is satisfaction. –smiles-
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I remember those nights when the moon was full and Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs ran around Hogsmeade and the Hogwarts Grounds. I remember those nights when there was no moon and he lay with his head in my lap, a fire crackling ahead of us. I remember those nights when the moon was crescent shaped and we shared the same bed, he was always on the left side. I remember the night when everything went wrong. When I got up and left him, when I left for the Potter's, sure he was the spy. I remember that night like it was yesterday. The night that brings tears to my eyes. I remember the scene of their destroyed house and my godson's slash across his forehead. That night I remember more clearly. That night has me crying to sleep. I remember that night every day.
It was a full moon that night. The moon was as bright and big as it was now, shining above me. He was transformed into the wolf, and I was the dog. Then I left. I knew he couldn't do anything then. Not when he was the wolf. Not when the wolf had hold of him. I knew that much. I left him, in his state of weakness. He'd have woken up to find his friend and his wife dead; had woken up to find his lover gone; had woken up to find his friend dead and his lover a murderer.
I had cornered my friend in a Muggle street where he was trying to escape. "Lily and James, Pettigrew! Prongs! How could you..?" I had shouted. Muggles, idiotic Muggles had turned to watch the scene. I yelled for them to run. Some did, some just laughed and clapped, yelling 'Fight!' Pettigrew blew up the street with his wand behind his back, the blow narrowly missing me. I had watched the laughter and glee in the Muggle's eyes turn into fright.
Maybe he meant for the spell to miss me. Maybe he wanted to imprison me here, where I couldn't apologise to my lover. He knew we were lovers then. I had told him, along with Lily and James. Lily had squealed and insisted we kissed in their living room. Embarrassed, my lover had done so.
I remember the last time we made love to one another. It had been excellent, until I messed it up. Until I suggested calmly into his ear that he talk to me, that he tell me the truth. He stared at me, pure shock and astonishment on his face. He knew that James and Lily suspected him. He never knew I did too. Grudgingly, he let me stay that night for the full moon. It had been Halloween. I had left.
Worse was the time when he had visited me. He just stood there and stared. I just sat there and stared back. His hair had greyed exceedingly. He had more scars on his face and hands. His eyes had no life left. I had said his name once. When he was leaving, and by the edge of the island, near the water. I had whispered his name, quietly. He may have heard, I do not know. It was the first time I said his name since I had been sent there. First time I tasted his name on my tongue. It shocked me. I had cried myself to sleep that night.
I had sworn that as soon as I found a way to get out, I would go straight to my lover's house. Until he came and I saw him; until I saw the emptiness in his eyes, the sadness, the betrayal and the loss. I made a pact with myself that I would never cause him any more pain. That I would rid his life of me. I had caused enough pain in it already. I promised myself that instead, I would go straight after Pettigrew, and murder him, slowly and painfully.
My lover believed that I was a traitor and a murderer. Maybe it would have been better if I told him we had changed the plan at last second. I knew deep down that he couldn't be a traitor. But I didn't believe it then. I do now. I know now. I know the truth. And I have worked out many ideas of what thoughts went through the rats head while he betrayed my friends, each more horrible then the next. I truly despised him, now. I wouldn't have said that twenty years ago when he was Wormtail and I was Padfoot. I wouldn't have said James would be dead and my lover would hate me and I would be in Azkaban, either. But things happen. Things that we least expect.
Maybe that's why we hate life as much as we cling to it. Things that we don't expect and don't like happen. Horrible, terrible, unstoppable tragedies. Maybe that's what suicidal people realise. Maybe. Maybe my lover will love me again when he knows the truth. But maybe he will never forgive me for leaving him. That's why I think I'm in Azkaban. Not for murdering Pettigrew. But for leaving my lover. For making the wrong choice and making Pettigrew the Secret Keeper.
I sat in my dog form in my cell, staring at the moon. I knew that somewhere, he'd be staring at the same moon. I knew that somewhere, he'd be transformed as Moony. I knew that somewhere, Pettigrew would be transformed as Wormtail, playing the pet. I wondered if they were thinking of the times when we were carefree and not-so innocent, running around the Grounds at midnight. I lay down, putting my head on my paws and whining softly, picturing the four of us. Prongs the stag. Wormtail the rat. Moony the wolf. Padfoot the dog. I sent the picture mentally to my lover. That was why I was locked up here.
For leaving my lover. The only one I will love. The one I think of every second I'm in here. Whose name I whisper quietly every night before I fall asleep. My lover. Remus Lupin.
A/N Just had this come to mind, and I had to write it down. Review, peoples.