Author's Note:
evilsangle: hmm...is it Rorek? Or is it Malchior? Or is it someone else? I seem to have misplaced my memory...
StarStar16: Cool! Can I drive it? Can I? Can I? Can I?
Dear Malchior (October 30th),
No more presumptions. No more games. No more hiding it from me behind closed curtains.
Robin and Starfire are sickeningly cute in their display of affection for one another. Always, always, together...laughing or kissing each other softly or joking with each other while Star tried to get Robin to sample her strange cooking. And the lingering throught cannot be pressed from me...that could have been us. If you had not been lying to me, if you had really been the wizard, that could have been us.
If, if, if. You can waste an entire life thinking about ifs, and sometimes I'm tempted to do just that.
And even though the wound he has given me must show in my eyes and all over my face, Robin continues to have the gall to speak to me. Even this morning, when I was trying to prepare my herbal tea. The water pipe had only just been fixed, and it's leak had never been traced to me. Cyborg still marvels over it. After all...he built this Tower with his bare cyber hands, so obviously he thinks he left no room for mistake.
The tea was heating on the stove, brewing perfectly. I was alone in my thoughts, and for once you were not there. I was alone until the Boy Wonder decided to make his intrusion.
"Hey, Raven!" He said cheerfully. He began to whistle, rummaging through the refridgerator, looking for whatever. Probably his usual breakfast of ham, eggs, and orange juice. Little did he know Beast Boy had thrown out all the ham and eggs, just to spite Cyborg.
When I didn't respond to him, he didn't seem to notice. He merely decided to keep whistling, and found a pan, and somehow miraculously produced some eggs. Somehow Robin never ceases to amaze me in that way...he never seems to be unprepared, even in the face of angry silence. He is at once infinitely wise and completely ignorant. "So, how's it going?"
"Isn't the correct English 'Where's it going?', Robin?" I said with complete sarcasm, trying but not suceeding to mask a very maiming tone. Robin looked confused and hurt as he continued.
"You know it's just an expression, Raven." He scratched his head with one hand before cracking open three eggs, throwing them in a frying pan with a slab of butter, and waiting for the heating element to fire up. "I meant, 'how are you' ?"
"Alive." I replied in more of a monotone now, just as I noticed Starfire gliding into the room and stretching, beaming. Always perfect, that girl. Perfect. An early riser, and yet she looked absolutely beautiful in the morning sun. She's your beauty, Malchior, you liar. She is what you meant when you spoke of beauty.
Robin forgot all about me immeadiately and went to greet her before she could even get out her normal bright and sunny greeting. Their lips met and several seconds of nauseating display commenced. I was forced to look away, I was so sick to my stomach. When finally it stopped, Starfire chirped in a tone of voice I could barely hear. "Good morning, Robbie..."
Robbie? Robbie? Hadn't Kitten called him that? Hadn't Starfire sworn in several languages including her own that Kitten was a truly evil earthling creature?
Next was my turn to be greeted. I was just thankful I had not become Rave-y, or some similar nonsense.
"Good morning, friend Raven!" Starfire exulted, and I felt the entirely too strong urge to slap her and yell at her, knock some sense into her.
Why should their happiness make me feel such misery? Is it just jealousy? Is it just your memory?
I remember, Malchior. I keep saying to myself everyday that I will never again write in this book. I will never again confide in you, though you cannot hear me, and I will not speak or write your name, and I will not think of you at all, because for the most part I have convinced myself that I am over you, though I know this is indeed far from the truth.
I very much doubt I will ever be over you.
It was just paper, your hand, but it was comforting as you laid it on my shoulder or brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. And you listened to me! You listened. You didn't pretend or just nod or repeat the sentences, but listened...you just listened and used it later against me, every single little thing I revealed to you a weakness. Every opinion I held of my friends, my detailed description of them, my agony over Beast Boy and his cruel mutterings, of how I could not fit in and how the detective like Boy Wonder seemed to try to fit me into everything, how Starfire was at once so ignorant and still I could tolerate sometimes...in small dozes. And then there was Cyborg...ever the big brother.
I hate watching them around one another. Even Robin entering the room is enough to trigger my anger horribly, and then if Starfire joins him that same room then my stomach churns and that anger turns to extreme hatred...
I cannot stand it.
---Raven
Dear Malchior(November 2nd),
Cyborg, the big brother indeed. Even he has his secrets, it appears.
I found the letters he seems to be hiding from the rest of us. Some would call it romantic, but I call it conversing with the enemy.
Letters upon letters, there must have been dozens...from Jinx. And then some he hasn't sent her yet. All signed with different version of love.
Why didn't I see it before? Why didn't we suspect it? He never hurts her when we fight the HIVE. She doesn't even go near her. Now that I sit here reviewing the tapes, I see that they were helping each other. He blasted that boulder before she could be crushed under it. She cast that spell before Gizmo could completely destroy Cyborg's system. Somehow this should tell me she is not solely evil, but she works for Brother Blood...Cyborg's sworn enemy. How could she be anything but? And how could he even think of entertaining this relationship, knowing it to be a direct offense to the Teen Titans. A betrayal?
Is there no Titan that won't betray us? Robin became Red X. Starfire went to get married. Terra became Slade's apprentice. And now Cyborg...Beast Boy is the only one who remains clean.
And me? My betrayal is by far the worst and soon to come, but let them find out in there own way in time, since they insist on keeping things from me.
When Cyborg found me pouring over the letters, he made me swear not to tell.
"I don't keep secrets from my friends, Cyborg. Unlike you."
"Rae...I...I love her." Cyborg said, laying a hand on my shoulder and trying to get me to look him in the eye. "I'm trying to get her to come to the good side. She wants to...don't give me that look, she really wants to, but she thinks she's done too much bad to ever be accepted by us."
"Because she has Cyborg. She has."
His cyber eye glowed and his human eye glared horribly. "Don't say that! She's no worse than the rest of us!" He turned away from me for a second, and then turned back, trying to get me to look at him. "Please, Rae. Promise me! I can't let...I can't let her go. I'm not stealing or helping them get away with anything, and if push comes to shove, I'll put her in jail."
"And then set her free again."
"No, I'll let her stay there. It may do her some good..." Cyborg stopped and looked at me. "But I can't do her any good if I get kicked off the team. Please, Rae. Keep this between us."
I can't believe I told him I would.
---Raven