CHAPTER TWELVE
Date: February 12, 2005
Day: Saturday
Dear Diary,
Today really sucked. Chris came into my office this morning, telling me that he had an explanation for not showing up at my room last night. I've been beating myself up about why he didn't come, like, since last night. I totally cried myself to sleep last night. Too bad that's not the first time I've cried myself to sleep over something that happened with Chris this week. Anyway, last night, I thought of so many reasons why he didn't come to my room. Mentally, I even made a list...
Reasons Why Chris Stood Me Up
1. He doesn't really like me.
2. This week has been a big joke to him.
3. I am a big joke to him.
4. He thinks I'm repulsive.
5. He found someone better.
6. He thinks I'm too snobby.
7. He heard about the crabs Hunter gave me two years ago. (Damn you, Hunter!)
8. He doesn't know the crabs are gone.
9. He was only teasing me with his poem.
10. He never wanted me in the first place.
I keep trying to tell myself that none of those reasons are true, but it's so hard to believe that since I didn't give him the chance to explain why he didn't show up. I just automatically assumed that he had found some loose little ring rat to sleep with instead. I assumed that everything had been a big joke to him, a big game. He actually looked hurt that I accused him of that. He acted like he was shocked. I know in my heart that he wouldn't really do that, but what can I say? I was feeling bitter this morning. And hurt. He just doesn't know what my marriage to Hunter did to my self esteem, to my self-confidence...
I don't know what I was doing when I kissed him. He thought he was going to get slapped, I know. But... I'm tired of slapping him around. What kind of woman constantly slaps the man who she loves? All I want to do is touch him, feel him, kiss him... But I've probably pretty much ruined that now, showing up with John Cena at that mandatory meeting my dad called for the Raw roster. I could feel Chris watching me the whole time we were sitting through my dad's lecture...
My relationship with John is friendship, and nothing more. He's the only one who really knows how I feel about Chris. John has been one of my only real friends here in the company, and he's been urging me to go after Chris for quite some time now. And now he feels like it's his fault, everything that's happened now. In the meeting, he handed me this handkerchief because I was thinking about Chris and I just started crying. Then he leaned over and whispered, "He's watching you right now, and he has been for the whole meeting." Then he turned around and looked at Chris while I just sat there...
But after the meeting was when things got really tense, because that's when Chris approached me and asked me what was going on. What was I supposed to say? Hell if I know. But when he put his hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him... All I wanted to do was kiss him. And when Daddy hugged me and told me that he loved me, I hugged him back and told him that I loved him, too... But I was looking at Chris. I was talking to Chris. I've realized that I can't kid myself anymore. I can't keep denying it. I love that man, I really do. I don't know what I'm doing anymore these days because I'm so confused about everything. It's like, one day things are perfectly clear, and the next day things are the way they were years ago when I was married to Hunter, and believe me when I say that's not a welcome feeling.
Now, the question is, where do I go from here?
Until Next Time,
Steph
P.S. I can't help but wonder how he feels right now? Is he hurting like I'm hurting? Maybe I should've just heard him out when he came to my office this morning...