The Adventures of Riku and Sora
A Blue Dragon Fic
VIII
Riku and Sora jumped, leaped, skipped, galloped, ran, loped, sped, sprinted, jogged, rolled, walked, briskly paced, and at a point even hitch- hiked with a strange man holding a gun to get to Husky Pork 'R Us. Another explosion could be heard and the endless sea of people continued running.
Finally the two jumped through the window, over the husky-pork aisle, and into the area where the husky-pork was kept. Mr. Barzhad was engorging himself on raw husky-pork.
"There's no escape now!" Sora yelled, closing the door to the storage as Riku shuffled in.
Mr. Barzhad looked up at Sora.
"Well if it isn't my son, Sora?"
"Dad, for the last time, stop this madness!"
"Son, don't you see? I'm happy here! Join me!"
"Dad!? Don't you remember your times as a bouncer!? Remember Kou, remember Volt! They were all your friends!"
"F-friends?"
He clutched his husky-pork loaf.
"I don't need friends! I have husky-pork! HUSKY-PORK DAMMIT!" he started stuffing it his mouth, then started choking and puking all over the place.
Out of the shadows came Kou and Volt, Sion Barzhad's friends.
"Hey" Kou waved.
"Sion, you have a wife, a kid, everything a man could want. They want you to come home, won't you come back?"
"K-kou?"
Volt stepped in.
"Come on, buddy, you know me. Volt Krueger."
"V-volt? NO! Husky-pork is the greatest thing that ever happened to me! I would never give it up!"
Kou grabbed a pillar of husky-pork.
He yelled as he kicked it into Volt.
"Remember this!?" Volt asked.
"Hiya!" he slammed the top down, and held it at a slight upwards angle.
"Come on, Sion. You know you want to!"
Sion started twitching and his mustache began to look funny.
"H-h-husky-pork!"
"No!" Volt and Kou exclaimed.
"H-h-h-here goes!" he said his famous line and kicked the husky pork pillar straight into the sky.
"Sion! Your back!" Kou yelled.
Sion just smiled and looked up.
The husky pork pillar fell back down on Kou with a sickening crack. Kou didn't get back up.
"You want some too, Volt Krueger?" Sion asked.
"I'll tell my uncle Freddy on you!" he said, running off into the shadows.
Sora and Riku looked after Volt, then when they looked back at Mr. Barzhad he was running with a bunch of husky-pork loafs sticking out of his pants and shirt.
Riku and Sora took off after Mr. Barzhad, who jumped out of the window, the two boys on hot pursuit. He jumped into a car and Riku and Sora had just enough time to hang onto the bumper.
Mr. Barzhad started driving fast and wildly in an attempt to shake them off.
"Get away from me!"
"Nothing could stop us dad!" Sora yelled, hanging on tight. "Not even-"
Up ahead was a field of cacti.
"Fields of cacti!? No!!"
When the car was through, Sora and Riku were full of prickles, but they held on tight.
Riku continued.
"Nothing will stop us! Not even-"
The perfume department loomed up ahead and Mr. Barzhad headed straight for it.
"The perfume department!? You're sick!"
As the car zoomed through knocking people into the air, the poor adolescents were sprayed with all kinds of perfume, and when they came out into the open, they were barely conscious.
"Nothing will stop us!" Sora continued.
"Not even-"
Large T. V.'s loomed up ahead.
"Educational Television! Not this time, Bubbaloo!"
Sora and Riku let go, Mr. Barzhad foolishly drove in, and high-pitched screaming, the sound of a car crashing, and an angry marsupial is heard.
Sora sighed.
"He got away again"
A doctor walked up to them, holding an injured man.
"You ran over this man!" he yelled, pointing an accusing finger.
"No we didn't, Sora's dad did!"
"Actually, I'm okay . . . " the guy said, getting up.
The doctor pulled out a mallet and slammed the head of the victim, knocking him into the pavement.
"I need one thousand dollars cash from you!"
"Are you even a doctor?" Sora asked, twirling his keyblade.
"Uh . . . look! It's Elvis Presley!"
Riku wasn't fooled, but Sora looked away. The man grabbed his keyblade.
"I'll betcha this is worth some bucks!" he yelled, running off.
"My keyblade!"
Riku put a hand on his shoulder.
"We'll get it, don't worry."
"It's not that! My barber's phone number was on that!"
"No offense, but you don't look like you even know what a barber is, let alone ever been close enough to one to get their phone number."
"What are you trying to say?"
"You need a haircut, Jack Black."
"What!?"
"Yup. I can't believe you've ever seen a barber"
"What does a barber have to do with cutting hair?"
" . . . Sora, barbers cut hair."
"Really? I always thought they reviewed credit-card numbers."
"Whose credit card did you give him!"?
" . . . My mom's"
"You mean to tell me that you gave a barber your mothers credit card?"
" . . . Riku! That's off the point! The keyblade will come back on its own eventually, but until then, I need to get the barber's phone number."
"But Sora-"
"Riku! We ride."
Riku sighed and held on to Sora's shoulder. Sora cast multiple fire spells and sent them flying down the street.
"How do you intend to get a phone number?" Riku asked.
"Simple! We win a wrestling match."
"What does this have to do with finding your father?"
" . . . "
"Sora?"
"I've always wanted to wrestle, okay! Can't a man dream?"
"Fine, but where will we find a ring?"
*Screen widens and there is a large theater behind them. They both turn around*
"Oh" they both said. They walked across the street and approached two huge doors that were being blocked off by a huge guard.
"Halt!" he yelled, putting out his hand.
"How strong are you?" he asked in a gruff voice.
"Really strong?" Sora tried.
The man shook his head.
"You have to use analogies."
Sora went into deep thought.
"I don't really know any analogies."
The guy sighed.
"How fast're you?"
"I'm faster than Barney in a narcotics raid!" Sora supplied.
"Or than Big Bird to the drug store!" Riku added.
"Faster than Officer Krueger in a donut shop." Sora said again.
"That's not very fast." Commented the guy.
"It is if you give him ten bucks."
"Come on in!"
*Sora and Riku walk into a dirty looking parlor, and a giant rat is at the counter.*
A guy walks behind the counters, sees the rat, and starts beating it over the head with a broom, causing it to hiss and run into a hole big enough for Sora to go through.
"Damn!" yelled Riku.
"Can I get you anything before you go in?" the guy at the counter asked.
"You have lemonade?" Sora asked, sitting down.
"Hold on."
*He goes in the back, you hear the sound of pants being unzipped and a spraying sound*
"Here's your lemonade." The guy said coming back.
Sora looked inside and sees a family of rats swimming around inside.
"That's nasty as hell!" he said.
"I'm not taking that!"
"Suit yourself."
*The guy starts downing the "lemonade", rats and all, causing Sora to run to a trash can and puke his guts out*
Riku patted him on the back.
"With a place this unsanitary, we should be able to beat anyone they throw at us."
A big muscle-bound wrestler comes out, and motions for them to go through the doors. Sora and Riku enter to find a large cheering crowd, and an arena where to incredibly large guys are waiting.
"It's a tag tournament, you know the rules" the guy said, motioning for them to enter the arena.
Sora and Riku run up, and are immediately booed, people throwing old popcorn and half-eaten lollipops and a few diamond rings, which Sora immediately stuffed into his pocket.
"I'll go first" Riku said. The two large wrestlers in similar black uniforms started yelling, the lights went low, the crowd started waving signs, and Riku climbed over, sizing up his opponent.
A referee jumped in and looked at a clock.
"Anything goes! Begin!"
The wrestler charged for Riku, who dodged out of the way, bounced off of a turnbuckle and flew back at him, hitting him right in the back.
The wrestler turned around and picked him up.
*Eight seconds later*
Riku was lying bloody by the side of the ring, tagging Sora.
"D-don't talk about his mom!" he said weakly.
"Noted" Sora pulled Riku out and took his place, circling the wrestler who he now noticed had black teeth and bloodshot eyes.
"I'll KEEL you lil' boy!"
"Your mama wears combat boots!" Sora shot back.
*Wrestler's eyes get big and bloodshot, and he pounds his chest like King Kong*
"Sora!" Riku yelled from the sidelines.
Sora circled the opponent, who runs at him and almost lands right on him just before he dodges out of the way.
"Hah! Ya missed me!" Suddenly, the wrestler lands on him and you hear a sickening thud.
"Sora!" Riku jumped in, pissing off the other wrestler and making him jump in as well, landing right on Riku, causing him to shout, then the referee pulls them out. They are immediately booed and people throw fruit and beans them.
"You wrestle like my momma!" One of the thugs said.
"Tell her I said 'thanks for last night'!" Sora shot back, after which he was pummeled into the ground by one of the wrestlers.
***
Tidus is sitting at Wakka's house with Wakka, watching the Stupid Awards, awards given for stupid events.
"So who will it be!?" the announcer said.
"The man who made himself allergic to his own snot, the man who suffocated himself by farting in a closed space, the man who wrote a book on how to read, or the man who called Freddy Krueger a pansy!?"
"What would you rather do?" Tidus asked Wakka, slurping a milkshake.
"Walk through a cage of hungry lions, or watch a Nick. Jr. marathon?"
Wakka shrugged.
"I don't know, both have been known to kill people."
*The phone rings and the doctor is yelling about a huge bill for Riku and Sora's hospitalization*
"What!? Why were you wrestling!?" Wakka asks to through the phone.
*A jumbled answer*
"For change!? Why!?"
*A jumbled answer*
"To call the hospital!? Why!?*
*A jumbled answer*
"To get your keyblade back!? Why!?"
*A jumbled answer*
"If a doctor stole it, why don't you just get it back now!?"
*The sound of a door slamming, a wrestler yelling, then Sora and Riku's tortured screams*
"Uh, Tidus, we'd better go" Wakka said, picking up his car keys and dragging Tidus.
"But you don't have a license!"
"The cops don't' know dat!'
"Wakka! You'll go to jail!"
"It will only have been my fifteenth time."
"Uh . . . don't you mean second?"
"Uh . . . yeah! Who told you otherwise?"
"You said fifteenth."
Wakka shook his head.
"Tidus, you need to quit drinking"
"But-"
"Come on!"
Wakka opens the door and he finds two officers holding .357s in his face.
"Uh . . . hi!"
"So you wanna drive illegally?" One officer asks.
" . . . "
"You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent in the court of law! You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot provide one, the island shall provide you with the dumbest, stupidest lawyer in existence!"
" . . . Okay officer. I will go quietly."
"Subject is resisting arrest! Get him!"
*Officers start beating him to the ground*
"Ahh!"
Wakka screams and Tidus watches him get dragged into the cop car.
Tidus looks around.
"I guess its up to me to get my friends out of jail."
A Blue Dragon Fic
VIII
Riku and Sora jumped, leaped, skipped, galloped, ran, loped, sped, sprinted, jogged, rolled, walked, briskly paced, and at a point even hitch- hiked with a strange man holding a gun to get to Husky Pork 'R Us. Another explosion could be heard and the endless sea of people continued running.
Finally the two jumped through the window, over the husky-pork aisle, and into the area where the husky-pork was kept. Mr. Barzhad was engorging himself on raw husky-pork.
"There's no escape now!" Sora yelled, closing the door to the storage as Riku shuffled in.
Mr. Barzhad looked up at Sora.
"Well if it isn't my son, Sora?"
"Dad, for the last time, stop this madness!"
"Son, don't you see? I'm happy here! Join me!"
"Dad!? Don't you remember your times as a bouncer!? Remember Kou, remember Volt! They were all your friends!"
"F-friends?"
He clutched his husky-pork loaf.
"I don't need friends! I have husky-pork! HUSKY-PORK DAMMIT!" he started stuffing it his mouth, then started choking and puking all over the place.
Out of the shadows came Kou and Volt, Sion Barzhad's friends.
"Hey" Kou waved.
"Sion, you have a wife, a kid, everything a man could want. They want you to come home, won't you come back?"
"K-kou?"
Volt stepped in.
"Come on, buddy, you know me. Volt Krueger."
"V-volt? NO! Husky-pork is the greatest thing that ever happened to me! I would never give it up!"
Kou grabbed a pillar of husky-pork.
He yelled as he kicked it into Volt.
"Remember this!?" Volt asked.
"Hiya!" he slammed the top down, and held it at a slight upwards angle.
"Come on, Sion. You know you want to!"
Sion started twitching and his mustache began to look funny.
"H-h-husky-pork!"
"No!" Volt and Kou exclaimed.
"H-h-h-here goes!" he said his famous line and kicked the husky pork pillar straight into the sky.
"Sion! Your back!" Kou yelled.
Sion just smiled and looked up.
The husky pork pillar fell back down on Kou with a sickening crack. Kou didn't get back up.
"You want some too, Volt Krueger?" Sion asked.
"I'll tell my uncle Freddy on you!" he said, running off into the shadows.
Sora and Riku looked after Volt, then when they looked back at Mr. Barzhad he was running with a bunch of husky-pork loafs sticking out of his pants and shirt.
Riku and Sora took off after Mr. Barzhad, who jumped out of the window, the two boys on hot pursuit. He jumped into a car and Riku and Sora had just enough time to hang onto the bumper.
Mr. Barzhad started driving fast and wildly in an attempt to shake them off.
"Get away from me!"
"Nothing could stop us dad!" Sora yelled, hanging on tight. "Not even-"
Up ahead was a field of cacti.
"Fields of cacti!? No!!"
When the car was through, Sora and Riku were full of prickles, but they held on tight.
Riku continued.
"Nothing will stop us! Not even-"
The perfume department loomed up ahead and Mr. Barzhad headed straight for it.
"The perfume department!? You're sick!"
As the car zoomed through knocking people into the air, the poor adolescents were sprayed with all kinds of perfume, and when they came out into the open, they were barely conscious.
"Nothing will stop us!" Sora continued.
"Not even-"
Large T. V.'s loomed up ahead.
"Educational Television! Not this time, Bubbaloo!"
Sora and Riku let go, Mr. Barzhad foolishly drove in, and high-pitched screaming, the sound of a car crashing, and an angry marsupial is heard.
Sora sighed.
"He got away again"
A doctor walked up to them, holding an injured man.
"You ran over this man!" he yelled, pointing an accusing finger.
"No we didn't, Sora's dad did!"
"Actually, I'm okay . . . " the guy said, getting up.
The doctor pulled out a mallet and slammed the head of the victim, knocking him into the pavement.
"I need one thousand dollars cash from you!"
"Are you even a doctor?" Sora asked, twirling his keyblade.
"Uh . . . look! It's Elvis Presley!"
Riku wasn't fooled, but Sora looked away. The man grabbed his keyblade.
"I'll betcha this is worth some bucks!" he yelled, running off.
"My keyblade!"
Riku put a hand on his shoulder.
"We'll get it, don't worry."
"It's not that! My barber's phone number was on that!"
"No offense, but you don't look like you even know what a barber is, let alone ever been close enough to one to get their phone number."
"What are you trying to say?"
"You need a haircut, Jack Black."
"What!?"
"Yup. I can't believe you've ever seen a barber"
"What does a barber have to do with cutting hair?"
" . . . Sora, barbers cut hair."
"Really? I always thought they reviewed credit-card numbers."
"Whose credit card did you give him!"?
" . . . My mom's"
"You mean to tell me that you gave a barber your mothers credit card?"
" . . . Riku! That's off the point! The keyblade will come back on its own eventually, but until then, I need to get the barber's phone number."
"But Sora-"
"Riku! We ride."
Riku sighed and held on to Sora's shoulder. Sora cast multiple fire spells and sent them flying down the street.
"How do you intend to get a phone number?" Riku asked.
"Simple! We win a wrestling match."
"What does this have to do with finding your father?"
" . . . "
"Sora?"
"I've always wanted to wrestle, okay! Can't a man dream?"
"Fine, but where will we find a ring?"
*Screen widens and there is a large theater behind them. They both turn around*
"Oh" they both said. They walked across the street and approached two huge doors that were being blocked off by a huge guard.
"Halt!" he yelled, putting out his hand.
"How strong are you?" he asked in a gruff voice.
"Really strong?" Sora tried.
The man shook his head.
"You have to use analogies."
Sora went into deep thought.
"I don't really know any analogies."
The guy sighed.
"How fast're you?"
"I'm faster than Barney in a narcotics raid!" Sora supplied.
"Or than Big Bird to the drug store!" Riku added.
"Faster than Officer Krueger in a donut shop." Sora said again.
"That's not very fast." Commented the guy.
"It is if you give him ten bucks."
"Come on in!"
*Sora and Riku walk into a dirty looking parlor, and a giant rat is at the counter.*
A guy walks behind the counters, sees the rat, and starts beating it over the head with a broom, causing it to hiss and run into a hole big enough for Sora to go through.
"Damn!" yelled Riku.
"Can I get you anything before you go in?" the guy at the counter asked.
"You have lemonade?" Sora asked, sitting down.
"Hold on."
*He goes in the back, you hear the sound of pants being unzipped and a spraying sound*
"Here's your lemonade." The guy said coming back.
Sora looked inside and sees a family of rats swimming around inside.
"That's nasty as hell!" he said.
"I'm not taking that!"
"Suit yourself."
*The guy starts downing the "lemonade", rats and all, causing Sora to run to a trash can and puke his guts out*
Riku patted him on the back.
"With a place this unsanitary, we should be able to beat anyone they throw at us."
A big muscle-bound wrestler comes out, and motions for them to go through the doors. Sora and Riku enter to find a large cheering crowd, and an arena where to incredibly large guys are waiting.
"It's a tag tournament, you know the rules" the guy said, motioning for them to enter the arena.
Sora and Riku run up, and are immediately booed, people throwing old popcorn and half-eaten lollipops and a few diamond rings, which Sora immediately stuffed into his pocket.
"I'll go first" Riku said. The two large wrestlers in similar black uniforms started yelling, the lights went low, the crowd started waving signs, and Riku climbed over, sizing up his opponent.
A referee jumped in and looked at a clock.
"Anything goes! Begin!"
The wrestler charged for Riku, who dodged out of the way, bounced off of a turnbuckle and flew back at him, hitting him right in the back.
The wrestler turned around and picked him up.
*Eight seconds later*
Riku was lying bloody by the side of the ring, tagging Sora.
"D-don't talk about his mom!" he said weakly.
"Noted" Sora pulled Riku out and took his place, circling the wrestler who he now noticed had black teeth and bloodshot eyes.
"I'll KEEL you lil' boy!"
"Your mama wears combat boots!" Sora shot back.
*Wrestler's eyes get big and bloodshot, and he pounds his chest like King Kong*
"Sora!" Riku yelled from the sidelines.
Sora circled the opponent, who runs at him and almost lands right on him just before he dodges out of the way.
"Hah! Ya missed me!" Suddenly, the wrestler lands on him and you hear a sickening thud.
"Sora!" Riku jumped in, pissing off the other wrestler and making him jump in as well, landing right on Riku, causing him to shout, then the referee pulls them out. They are immediately booed and people throw fruit and beans them.
"You wrestle like my momma!" One of the thugs said.
"Tell her I said 'thanks for last night'!" Sora shot back, after which he was pummeled into the ground by one of the wrestlers.
***
Tidus is sitting at Wakka's house with Wakka, watching the Stupid Awards, awards given for stupid events.
"So who will it be!?" the announcer said.
"The man who made himself allergic to his own snot, the man who suffocated himself by farting in a closed space, the man who wrote a book on how to read, or the man who called Freddy Krueger a pansy!?"
"What would you rather do?" Tidus asked Wakka, slurping a milkshake.
"Walk through a cage of hungry lions, or watch a Nick. Jr. marathon?"
Wakka shrugged.
"I don't know, both have been known to kill people."
*The phone rings and the doctor is yelling about a huge bill for Riku and Sora's hospitalization*
"What!? Why were you wrestling!?" Wakka asks to through the phone.
*A jumbled answer*
"For change!? Why!?"
*A jumbled answer*
"To call the hospital!? Why!?*
*A jumbled answer*
"To get your keyblade back!? Why!?"
*A jumbled answer*
"If a doctor stole it, why don't you just get it back now!?"
*The sound of a door slamming, a wrestler yelling, then Sora and Riku's tortured screams*
"Uh, Tidus, we'd better go" Wakka said, picking up his car keys and dragging Tidus.
"But you don't have a license!"
"The cops don't' know dat!'
"Wakka! You'll go to jail!"
"It will only have been my fifteenth time."
"Uh . . . don't you mean second?"
"Uh . . . yeah! Who told you otherwise?"
"You said fifteenth."
Wakka shook his head.
"Tidus, you need to quit drinking"
"But-"
"Come on!"
Wakka opens the door and he finds two officers holding .357s in his face.
"Uh . . . hi!"
"So you wanna drive illegally?" One officer asks.
" . . . "
"You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent in the court of law! You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot provide one, the island shall provide you with the dumbest, stupidest lawyer in existence!"
" . . . Okay officer. I will go quietly."
"Subject is resisting arrest! Get him!"
*Officers start beating him to the ground*
"Ahh!"
Wakka screams and Tidus watches him get dragged into the cop car.
Tidus looks around.
"I guess its up to me to get my friends out of jail."