The Adventures of Riku and Sora
A Blue Dragon Fic
XIV
"Hey, what happens when we have to use the bathroom."
". . . "Riku responded.
"Or when we—"
"Shut up, Wakka! You'll give away our spot!"
Wakka, Tidus, Sora, and Riku were hiding under the seats of a locked car, hoping Sephiroth wouldn't find them.
"That's it!" Sora was moronic enough to stick his head out, just as Sephiroth clashed a dangerous glare in.
"Eep!" Sora quickly stuck it back under.
"How long are we hiding!?" Sora whispered.
"Until he leaves." Riku answered.
"I'm never leaving!" Sephiroth yelled out into the air.
"Damn . . . "Riku muttered.
"Guys, I gotta go bad."
"Number one or two?" Sora asked Wakka sarcastically.
"Number three."
"Double damn." Riku said, clutching his nose. "The kid has diarrhea"
"We need to figure something out . . . "Tidus began. "Wakka, can you hold it any longer?"
"I don't have to go no more."
"Eeew!" The three struggled, clutching their noses and tried to break out from under, jumping out of the car.
"Guys! I was just kidding . . . "
Sephiroth jumped from a tree. "AAAOOOOOGGAAAAA!"
"Triple damn! Cheese it!" Riku yelled. Sephiroth grabbed Tidus. "Gotcha, ya little sunuvabitch!"
"Tidus!" Sora yelled.
"Leave him!" Riku commanded, motoring around the corner.
"You'll make a great casserole!"
"Yo' mama!" Tidus countered back to Sephiroth, who started spanking him.
A bunch of farting and crapping noises were heard from the car.
"Who the hell just laid crap in my new hot rod!" Sephiroth yelled, peeking in to see Wakka, who was still relieving himself.
"You little sunuvabitch! I'm gonna eat you alive!" He grabbed Wakka from the car and started spanking him, after which he began reliving himself further.
"Oh Heavens!" Sephiroth dropped him and clutched his nose.
"I'll make you clean that car with your tongue, lil' mister!" Sephiroth warned as Wakka tried to run only to slip in his own stuff.
Sora dove into Kairi's house, after which Kairi tackled him and started punching him in the stomach.
"Ahh! Its me!"
"Oh! Sorry, I thought you were the tax collectors."
Riku dove in and was immediately covered with hillbillies.
"You ain't seizin' our house again you damn blaze!"
"Kairi, help!" The hillbillies began pounding the poor boy.
"Enos! Roootrick! Jethro! Ulysses! He's my friend!"
They got off of him.
"Sorry, we thought you was—"Jethro elbowed Enos. "Uh . . . we thought you was Satan."
Riku rubbed his head. "Sure. I'm going to talk to Kairi now."
"So, Riku, what brings you here?" Kairi asked.
"We were running from the executioner."
"Who?"
"Sephiroth"
"I see. So Riku, where's Tidus?"
"Fool got caught."
"How about Wakka?""Slipped in his own stuff."
"Eew! That's disgusting! He deserves to be caught."
"That's what he gets for stealing all of Tidus' food. We went to Taco Shack."
"Yeah?"
Sora continued. "Wakka and his goofy self ate thirty supreme burritos, knowing it gives him gas. The bathroom was filled with a bunch of hurtin' Mexicans so he had to hold it . . . and he let it go in my dad's new car. But I'll bet they're doing fine."
Sephiroth held the two boys upside down over a pot of boiling water as he read recipes for casseroles.
There was a knock on the door.
"I'll get it!" Enos yelled.
He opened the door to see Justin Timberlake and about thirty of his groupies, falling over him.
"Who is you?"
"Why I'm Justin! You're sweet sister as won the sweepstakes!" He began prancing like a gaylord and pulling piggybanks out of his ridiculous hair, currently in an afro.
"I ain't never heard of you." He slammed the door.
"Hey!" He bust it back open and pranced in, after which the groupies started raiding the refrigerator, using the bathrooms, and watching the television.
"Hello Kairi!" He began prancing around again.
"Who the hell are you?" Riku asked.
"I'm Justin Timberlake!"
"I ain't never heard of you." He responded.
Sephiroth began reading extra quickly through the recipes of boy casserole.
"Let's see, douse the first boy in a good teriyaki sauce . . . "
Sephiroth doused Tidus in teriyaki.
"Damn you!" He started licking it up and spat on his face with it.
Sephiroth slapped him and held him closer to the boiling water.
"Now fatten the other one up . . . " Sephiroth handed a watermelon to Wakka, who gobbled it and started spitting the seeds everywhere.
"HEY! Watch it!" He doused Wakka's hair in the boiling water. "Now stand still . . . here, have some buritos."
"No Wakka!"
"Thanks!" Wakka ate them all, gobbling hungrily.
Sephiroth laughed, and then began to leave the room.
"I'll be back in a while to cook you! Be good!" The crazy silver-haired man pranced out of the room.
"You moron! Are you an idiot!?" Tidus shoved Wakka from his tied position.
"Not like Winnie the Crap."
". . . Wakka, what in the hell?"
"You know . . . . Winnie the Crap."
". . . . Whatever. Wakka, I have a plan . . . . "
"Ohh! These cakes are fruity and nutty!" Sephiroth yelled from another room.
"Kind of like him . . . . "Wakka muttered. The two struggled against their confines, after which Sephiroth began to run in again.
"Now just what are you boys doing!? You had better not struggle too much, now!" He wagged his finger.
"Sephy-sama, you don't want to eat me! I'm nasty and full of crap! Eat Tidus, he's plump and juicy!"
"Hey! You're the one bragging about your huge ass all the time!" Tidus shoved Wakka again. The two were still hogtied upside down, and now staring each other down.
"You'd better not push me again, pansy-boy."
"What're you going to do, you dirty Jamaican?"
"I'll bite your damn nose off."
"Cook Wakka Sephiroth! Cook him!"
"ENOUGH! One more word and I'll have both of your asses for lunch!"
Wakka farted.
"Okay, maybe one of your asses."
There was a knock at the door, and Sephiroth left again.
"Tidus . . . . I have a plan."
"What it is this time, rooty-poo?"
"If we scream real loud, Sephiroth will run in . . . . "Wakka motioned to the door with his head.
"Trip . . . "He motioned to the replica of the Masamune.
"Hit his head on the bowl . . . "He motioned to the huge boiling pot.
"Stumble back . . . " He motioned to the switch on the wall.
"And hit that switch that releases us."
". . . . Wakka, that is the possibly the biggest load of crapola I've ever heard."
"Are you with me?"
"I say you try by your damn self."
"I bet you thirty-seven munny."
". . . . Wakka, that's your bank account."
"Well!?"
"On the count of three, then."
"One . . . "
"Two . . . . "
The both sucked in.
"THREE!"
There were footsteps, and Sephiroth ran in.
"What the—"He tripped over the Masamune replica. "Ahhhh!" He hit his head on the pot. "Ugggh . . . . . "He began to stumble back, and hover near the switch.
"Come on . . . . " Wakka urged.
Sephiroth finally smashed into the switch, which released.
"It's letting us go!" Wakka yelled.
"One problem, Einstein. We're over a bowl of boiling water." The two looked at each other, and cried.
"Ahhhh!" They fell into the boiling water, and jumped out clutching their bodies.
"Damn! That was hotter than hell!" Tidus yelled.
"Pay up, Sonny Jim!"
"I don't have the cash."
"You . . . you bastard!"
Wakka tackled him, and they flew through the window.
"Where are my chickies!?" It was Sephiroth yelling for them from his house.
"Run like hell!" Wakka screamed.