The Adventures of Riku and Sora
A Blue Dragon Fic
XVI
The others immediately cleared the room, rushing out as Sora and Riku spun shotguns into place. Sephiroth and Justin flew backwards into the wall and prepared a fighting stance.
"Now I'll show you bitches who's boss!" Justin yelled, as a stack of gay porn fell out of his afro.
Riku stared at the stack and started chuckling.
"As well as who's homosexual?"
"SHUT UP YOU UGLY NUT-WART!" He grabbed a vase and threw it as hard as he could, and laughed as it smashed Sora over the head, drawing a bloody gash.
"Riku! Don't provoke him!"
"That idiot bitch?"
"AGGH! I SAID SHUT UP!" Justin grabbed another vase and threw it again, this one hitting Sora square in the eyes.
"Oooh! Why am I taking this!" Sora blew another hole in Justin's halfro.
Justin felt his hair, his eyes wide in horror.
"You'll pay for that!" He fiddled with his gun, not realizing it was on safety.
Sephiroth Bass stepped forward sweeping the debris away.
"I can take something dear away from you Sora . . . I hold the key to . . . "
He began laughing as he held up something in his hand.
"HUSKY-PORK!"
Sora rolled his eyes.
"Not that pork-shit again." He cocked the shotgun and tried to shoot a hole through the husky-pork, watching in horror as the bullet deflected and hit Justin's afro again.
" . . . MY FRO!"
Riku laughed.
"Dude, you have four huge holes in your fro!" Sephiroth Bass shook his head.
"BE QUIET YOU NUTSACK-DOUCHETARD!" He grabbed a table and flung it at Sora, grinning as the poor boy moaned.
Sora gripped the gun, and aimed.
"Sora, don't shoot his fro aga—"
A gunshot silenced the room as Sora shot Justin square in the face.
Sephiroth's eyes were wide as he stared at the gaping hole that had once housed the abused halfro. Justin began bleeding hair gel and chicken grease, and Sephiroth stepped back in disgust.
"Nasty!" He threw the body at Sora, who slipped in the grease.
"Oh my God! What does this guy eat!"
The hand of the supposedly dead man grabbed Sora's nuts.
"Ahhh!" He screamed in agony, as Justin's face began to regenerate.
"You can't get rid of me that easy, you fascist monkey!"
He leapt back up.
Riku stepped back into the debris and plopped on the couch.
"It's funny that you can grow your face back, but you can't regenerate your hair."
"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW YOU INSOLENT GULAG! I'LL SILENCE YOU FOR THE LAST TIME!"
He grabbed Sora by the neck and body slammed him into the nearest toilet.
Wakka suddenly came into the room, clutching his stomach.
"Nooooo!" Sora screamed as Wakka began pulling his pants down.
Justin dusted off his hands as he came out of the bathroom, laughing as the sounds of watery diarrhea and gargled screams echoed out.
Riku cocked the shotgun.
"Well . . . I didn't want to have to do this . . . " Lisa walked in from the kitchen.
"Woman! Get back to the kitchen where you belong!" Enos yelled from the table.
"Go marry your cousin!" Lisa yelled back. She rubbed her hands.
"Justin, Lance, I didn't want to do this . . . . " She whistled, and two Backstreet Boys dropped out of nowhere.
Justin raised an eyebrow.
"What the hell? I thought I killed you!" He pointed a smoking finger at A.J.
The former superstar merely shook his head and adjusted his sunglasses as he stepped back in the debris.
"And I thought you grew some hair, oh 'holy' one." Kevin laughed at his rival.
A.J. flipped through some of the gay porn that had fallen out of Justin's ridiculous haircut.
" . . . How pathetic. One of your books actually has a woman in them!" Kevin and A.J. burst out laughing.
"Ahh!" Justin burned the magazine immediately, and ran into the bathroom to whack Sora.
Lisa laughed as she sat back.
"This outta be good!"
Riku stared skeptically as he kept his gun steady.
" . . . I don't know. Once the take care of those fools, how will we get rid of the other pretty boys?"
"Hmm . . . Lisa thought to herself as she eyed another one of the random guns Kairi's brothers kept everywhere.
"I'm not su—" Sora burst out of the bathroom, a slimy green substance covering him.
" . . . ." Riku looked him up and down.
"Sora, you are one NASTY mo-fo."
Sora growled. "It's not MY fault! Thanks to your stupidity, I've been constantly pummeled by the wrath of pretty-boy Magee!" Sora screamed, coughing up slop.
Wakka walked out, groaning.
"Oh man . . . something happened to my, to my . . . "
Lisa snapped her fingers as the pretty boys began bitch-slapping each other.
"That's it! Wakka's radioactive chalupa slop!" She grabbed a bottle of lotion, clearly meant for women, and threw it into the toilet. All of the pretty boys gasped.
"Nooo!" They ran towards the bathroom, tripping over debris and jumping over the hot rod, almost breaking the doorframe as they leapt into the green slop.
For a split second, everything was quiet before the toilet started shaking. Riku, Sora, and Lisa backed away from the bathroom as the walls of it began to collapse, and a voice spoke.
"Finally, after all these years . . . " A voice spoke.
Sora groaned.
"Not again!"
"With the crap-slop of some Mexican . . . the idiocy of Sephy-Bass, the gayness of Justin Timberlake, and the sheer adult-arrogance and evilness of the Backstreet Boys . . . . "
A clawed hand came out of the bathroom, and the three of them yelped, as Wakka ran away crying.
"What have I created?" He screamed to the sky as tears streamed down his face.
Riku could only stare in awe at the being before him, something he'd only read about.
"I am Satan!" The huge red demon stepped out, causing the earth to shake, and slammed his pitchfork into Sora.
"And now, I can begin my rein of terror! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He flew off into the sky, laughing like a maniac, and swinging his pitchfork around.
Sora could only stare.
" . . . . Oh my God. We've just beat up a boy, shot holes through all of this house, seen a car fall through the ceiling, nearly destroyed this block, and now we've unleashed Satan upon Destiny Islands. Now what?"
Lisa started scrambling around for a Bible.
"We've got to do something about this!"
A small family of four sat around a table, in front of their bountiful meal.
"Now Sharon, pray for this household" The mother said, smiling towards her daughter.
The young blue-eyed girl smiled.
"Jesus loves us, mommy!"
"I know dear, now pray for our family."
She began to pray.
"Dear God, I pray that you protect this household, secure our family, bless our neighbors, and protect this house from—"
"I AM SATAN!" The demon burst through the house in a fiery ball, screaming and slashing the food off the table with the pitchfork.
"Ahh! We're going to die! I knew I shouldn't have cheated on you!" The man ran away screaming, grabbing his coat and running into his car, driving away as fast as he could.
At the house next door, a young black family stared across the street.
"I knew they needed Jesus." The woman shook her head as Satan began tearing the place apart.
The man of the house quickly dialed up a speed dial number.
"Hello? Blessed Redeemers? Get Pastor Jamison here, now. The day came, just as he predicted!"
Sora was on his knees, praying to the heavens.
" . . . I know I don't talk to you often, but right now, I think its serious. We pray that you will deliver us from evil—" A fireball flew through the wall. " . . . as soon as possible."
The adulterous man drove up to Satan in his car, and shakily held a bible.
"I-I pray that you—"
"BE GONE!" Satan slammed on the car's hood and it flipped thirty times.
"Aaah!" The sinful father ran away.
Tidus stirred on the hood of the hot rod, and woke up.
"Aah! I'm free! And awake again in the beautiful city! I love Destiny Islands!"
Satan flew by.
" . . . . What the he—" Wakka slammed his hand over his mouth.
"Shh! You'll encourage him!"
Riku had a present wrapped up as Satan descended upon him, and he threw his keyblade aside.
"Uh, uh . . . . your . . . uh, devilness? I've got a present."
The beast suspiciously descended down.
"What!"
"Here . . . " Riku held it up nobly.
" . . . That's a bible, isn't it?" The king of demons asked.
" . . . Uh, no its not?"
Satan grew bigger.
"You're lying."
"Uh . . . no I'm not?"
He grew even bigger, and touched a finger nail to the present, wincing as it burned off.
"That is a bible! Take this!" He broke the pitchfork over Riku's skull.
"Ahh! Go to hell!"
"Oh yeah, I left my keys."
A hole was torn in the street outside of the house, and the devil dove down into the pit to eternal hellfire.
Sora stepped up to the pit and sniffed. It smelled like husky-pork.
Walt Husky's voice could be heard from the pit, screaming.
Riku stopped at the pit. "Well, now we just have to wait for the church to arrive, and we'll be safe! The trip to hell is a good three hours!"
Lisa narrowed her eyes.
"And you know that how?"
"Uh . . . I read my bible."
A demon jumped out of the pit and landed on Riku.
"Ahh! Mother!"
Three more imps leapt out and started running around.
Enos walked out of the house, and stared as Satan climbed back out of the hole.
"You WAS Satan!" He took out his shotgun. "My mama told me this day would come!"
He began shooting crazily, missing and almost hitting Riku each time.
A cashier slowly took money from the cash register of the store he worked at.
" . . . I need to feed my kids."
Satan walked in, and the man quickly put the money back.
"I need to buy a shotgun."
"You NEED to buy a bible!"
The sound of megaphones could be heard in the distance. Sora's church had arrived.
In the Authors Note, I think the pure satire of this piece of fanfiction is obvious. I plan to finish this soon, as my only and complete fic of this type.