Snozzberry
We smiled for the camera, both of us deliberately trying to look silly, as if we thought that by giving real smiles, that J.T. would be able to see the secret between us just by looking at the picture. I hadn't wanted to hurt J.T. – I didn't want to start to feel the way that I do for his best friend.
Toby gave the man with the camera some money, as the man handed him the picture. Toby took it from him, and looked down at it, smiling.
"Hey Liberty, look at how silly we look!" he said, as he handed the picture to me.
I looked at the picture, and saw my big smile, and both of our silly, big-eyed looks. I couldn't help but compare how alike Toby and I were – how our idea of being silly for a picture was so similar. I thought of J.T.'s idea of being silly – if he was in the picture with me and was trying to be funny, he would have probably mooned the camera or some other extreme measure. Looking at the picture of Toby and I, I couldn't help but feel the kinship we had developed over this summer together – the feeling of understanding that J.T. and I had never been able to achieve.
I looked closer at the picture, and wondered if I could see the guilt in my eyes. I certainly felt the guilt, eating at me every time I thought of J.T., waiting for me to come home from my summer at the Honor's program that both Toby and I had been chosen for. J.T. had sent me off, with a kiss and a smile, and told his best friend to watch over me – he told his best friend to make sure some other guy didn't steal me away.
I smiled at Toby, as I handed the picture back to Toby.
"You keep it." I said, as I picked up my carry-on bag that was sitting on the floor beside me as I sat on the bench.
"Liberty…" Toby said, putting his hand on my arm to stop me.
We looked at each other for a moment – brown eyes met brown. In his eyes, I saw all of my feelings mirrored in his – all that guilt and confusion were plain to see in his eyes.
"What are we going to tell J.T.?" Toby said, voicing one of the questions that had been running through my mind the last few days.
"I don't know." I said, and sat back down on the bench.
"Liberty," Toby said, and hesitated for a moment. "We kissed – we can't keep that from him."
I looked at Toby for a moment, contemplating what he said. All those questions that were running through my mind – screaming for answers I didn't want to give. Do I really have to tell J.T.? What will I tell him? What had happened between Toby and I? Was it more than just a kiss? If it was more than just a kiss, what should I do? So many questions – questions I couldn't answer. Questions I didn't want to answer.
"I guess we have to tell him, don't we?" I said quietly. I looked over at Toby, watching me sadly. I wondered what the kiss had meant to him. More importantly, I wondered if that kiss had meant as much to him as I was beginning to admit that it had to me.
"Toby," I started to say, then paused, gathering my confused thoughts. "What did that kiss mean to you?" I asked, bravely.
"Liberty," he said, as he looked at me, "You're my best friends girlfriend."
"And you're my boyfriend's best friend." I replied, as I looked at him.
"And it was never meant to be, for just those reasons." Toby said, sadly.
"Probably not." I replied quietly.
"Here. You keep this." Toby said, as held the picture out to me.
I looked at the picture for a moment, in his hands, and was struck by how happy we looked in the picture, as we put on our best versions of silly camera poses. I took the picture from his hand, pausing as I felt my hand touch his briefly, before I quickly pulled mine away, taking the picture with it. I found myself staring at the picture – looking for the signs of guilt in our eyes – but all I saw was a picture of a couple of teenagers trying to be silly.
I looked at Toby for a moment, as and unspoken understanding passed between us. We wouldn't tell J.T. – we couldn't tell J.T. Our kiss would remain between us – one of those secret moments of summer madness that we would never speak of again.
I looked at the picture, that I was holding in my hand, and slipped it into the pocket in the front of my carry-on bag. A part of me wanted to throw out the picture, but I couldn't do it. I didn't question why I couldn't do it – I couldn't allow myself to question why I wouldn't do it. Like Toby said – it was never meant to be.