Disclaimer: I don't usually do these, but I felt like it for this chapter. I don't own the rights to Redwall. I do, however, own a copy of this wondrous book and have read it a couple of times. I also do not own Fluffums the Stuffed Lobster. Wait a minute… I do own Fluffums… Okay, Bunny Hooded Bombchu came up with the idea for Fluffums in a Redwall fic of hers, I brought him to life (you know those teeny-beanies they had at McFattys… I mean McDonalds? I took the lobster and made him a cloak with an "F" on it). Also, Logan… I'm just poking fun, I don't mean any harm… or do I?
YAY! This chapter is dedicated to my good friends Emily (a.k.a. Bunny Hooded Bombchu a.k.a. B.H.B. a.k.a. Savvie a.k.a. Shavvakamalla a.k.a. … never mind) for the wonderfully crazy time we had singing about oranges, door hinges, and laughing gnomes, and Sammi (a.k.a. Khyber, the dancing disco badger) for lending me her Mama Mia soundtrack for a couple of my parodies.
The Short Patrol, Chapter 2: The Wall of Orangeness It was winter in summer and spring was in bloom. The turnips were frolicking and the—Sage woke up. She had been having the weirdest dream. See, there was this yellow cat that kept staring at her, and every time she tried to talk to it, it looked away towards the neon-orange trees. Then strange music would play, while a blurry black-and-white figure danced around said trees. She'd been having these dreams for a while, and was beginning to think that they might actually mean something.
"Bloody hell," she said as she got out of bed. The young fieldmouse quickly got dressed and raced down the corridor to the Great Hall, nearly knocking over her good friend, Savvie.
"Hey! Careful, Sage! You're gonna kill someone one of these days!"
"Quite possibly," she responded, dashing off again. When she arrived, she grabbed some hot chocolate chip scones and glass of dandelion juice, sat next to Flavalla, and immediately began stuffing her face. "Good morning," said the other mouse.
"Mmrumph mmroomphy," was Sage's reply.
Flavalla sighed. "I'm guessing that means 'good morning'. I'm glad you like my scones."
Sage swallowed her food. "You made these?" Her friend nodded. "Oh, they're really good. Uhh… Flavalla? I needed to talk to you."
"Okay…" she said, wondering what could possibly be so important that it interrupted Sage's ravaging of her breakfast.
"You know how you're pretty good at interpreting dreams? Well, I've been having these odd dreams, lately."
"And…?"
"Well, they're weird."
Flavalla rolled her eyes. "Yes, that's what 'odd' usually means. What are these dreams about?"
"I keep trying to talk to this yellow cat that's looking at me, but whenever I do, it turns away and stares at the trees." Sage told her. "Oh, and the trees are neon-orange." Flavalla raised an eyebrow. "Then there's this blurry thing dancing to the strangest music I've ever heard."
"Is that all?"
"Yeah, but I wanna know what it means!" Sage said eagerly. "You can tell me, right?"
"Uhh… maybe. I think I may know why the trees are orange." Sage's eyes widened. "Ever since that big, bloody battle, the walls have been stained red. But recently, with all this rain we've been having, the red has faded. Not only that, but the iron spikes sticking out from the walls are rusting, and that rust is dripping down the walls, giving it a faintly orange look."
"Wait a minute," Sage interrupted. "How does rust drip?"
Flavalla thought for a moment. "I don't know, but it's dripping all right. Maybe it's the rain. Anyway, as for why the trees are neon-orange—I have no idea what so ever. Maybe you had too much sugar before bed."
"Yeah, but every night?"
"Good point."
"What about the other stuff? Ya know, with the music and the cat and the blurry thing?"
"I think the yellow cat is trying to tell you something."
Sage's eyes' brightened. "Ooo! What? What? What?"
"Because the walls of our home our now orange instead of red and the cat is looking to the orange trees, maybe the cat is trying to tell you something about our home."
"Okaaaay…" Sage paused and stared off into space. "What does 'orange' rhyme with?" she asked after a minute.
Flavalla looked at her oddly. "Nothing…" she said. "You know, you can be really random sometimes."
"Yup!" Sage said with a quirky grin and a glint in her eyes. "That's me!"
"Dying must have messed up her brain," came Shavvakammalla's voice from behind them. She sat down next to Sage with some food of her own.
"I think her brain was always messed up," Savvie's companion, Largo said, taking his place on the other side of the table.
Sage smiled at her friends. "I didn't die. I was just temporarily incapacitated."
"Tell that to Gonff," Savvie responded. "It was almost Mary-Sue-esc how he was acting."
Sage blushed. Somewhere a lone starling thought it heard the trees say, "Oops."
"What were you talking about earlier?" Savvie asked.
"Sage was just telling me about a strange dream she had," Flavalla said.
"Yeah, it was weird. There was a yellow cat, a blurry black-and-white dancing thing, some strange music, and neon-orange trees," Sage said.
"Neon-orange?" Largo raised an eyebrow.
"Yup!" Sage said. "Hey, do any of you know a word that rhymes with 'orange'?"
"Sage, nothing rhymes with orange!" Flavalla said, exasperatedly.
"Yeah…" Savvie said. "Door-hinge rhymes with orange."
"Not really—" Largo started.
"Hey! Yeah it does!" Sage grinned. And she began to sing: "Oraaaaaaaaaaaange! It rhymes with door hiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge! But not reaaaaallllllyyyy!"
The others sighed. Largo winced. "Did you want me to tell you about the blurry thing?" Flavalla asked.
"Oh yeaaaahhh… Sure!"
Flavalla looked at her oddly. "Are you hyper?"
"I thought chocolate was supposed to calm you down." Savvie said.
"Not mixed with sugar! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Now, what about the dancing blurry thing?"
"But chocolate is made with— Oh, never mind. Blurriness can symbolize uncertainty and mystery. But the fact that it's dancing could mean that something new is going to happen or a newcomer may appear."
Everyone pondered this for a bit. Finally, Largo said, "New people? Why do we need new people?"
"You just don't want any guys to come who could be competition for you," Sage said.
"Competition for what?" Savvie asked.
"Your heart!" Sage said with a glint in her wide, innocent looking eyes, clasping her paws together.
"Shut up!" Largo said, angrily.
Sage just grinned. "Oh, I do love torturing people!"
"Yeah, you're creepy like that," Savvie commented.
All of a sudden, a shout rent the air: "The badgers are coming! The badgers are coming!"
"Badgers?" Flavalla looked up. Fluffums the Stuffed Lobster was making an announcement.
"Okay, so there's only one badger… but there's also a hare!"
"Yes, badgers do have hair," Sage said wisely.
Savvie rolled her eyes. "Not hair like fur, hare like rabbit!"
"Oh! Those 'bolly old chaps?'" she said.
"Umm… yeah," Savvie said.
"Why don't we welcome them?" Flavalla suggested.
"Yeah, then Sage can scare the hare off so we won't run out of food!" Largo said.
"Like you eat that much food anyway!" Savvie said.
"Look who's talking!" he retorted.
"Aww, they're arguing like a married couple. It's looooove!" Sage said.
"Would you stop, already?" Largo groaned.
Flavalla rolled her eyes. "Are we going to greet them or not?"
"Oh, right," Sage said, coming back to the present.
So the merry gang trotted out to the wall tops and, sure enough, a badger and a hare were walking towards them, carrying bags with them filled with what seemed to be strange-looking musical instruments. The Badger was wearing orange robes and was eating an orange. The hare was dressed in a bright-blue tunic with orange trousers.
"See!" Sage said excitedly, "It's just like in my dream!"
When the travelers were within hailing distance, Flavalla called out to them. "Hello there, wayfarers!" They looked up. "Welcome to Flowermoss woods and the… erm—"
"And the Wall of Redness!" Sage finished. "Well, more like the Wall of Strange Orange Streaky Redness… but that's okay!"
The Badger smiled. "I am Khyber, and this," she said, pointing to her companion, "is Galahad, the Irish hare!"
"Top o' th' marnin' to ye, eh wot wot?" He said, with a gallant bow, nearly falling over.
Flavalla looked at Sage and sighed. She was drooling. 'Anyone with an accent…' she thought to herself. "Open the gate!" she called down to Logan, the poor, miserable doormouse whose job it was to open the gate… It was a boring life, but one he took pride in… for some strange unknown reason.
"Mrmmfff…" he said.
Savvie sighed. "Open the frickin' gate, Logan!"
"OKAY! 8D" he said way too overly exited for someone just opening a gate. (8D is what his face looked like when he said that) For some other strange, unknown reason, Logan really liked Savvie. I mean REALLY liked her. It made the mousepad— I mean Largo, grouchy. Let's face it, Logan was creepy. And now, since he's not really important to the story at all… I'm going to ignore him from now on. Poor Logan…
Galahad and Khyber walked into the Wall of Redness with awed expressions on their faces. How could such a magnificent wall hold such a crappy-looking building inside? It was true, because the moles and Gerblis Khan's army were in such a hurry to build a structure to stem the tide of a ferocious army, they hadn't done the greatest job on the inside bit. Truth be told, the dibbuns' forts looked much better.
And speaking of the dibbuns, Flufftail the Destroyer and some of his cronies were approaching Khyber and Galahad with interest. They had never seen a badger before, and besides Fluff, they'd never seen a hare, especially one so oddly dressed.
"Och! Wee beasties!" Galahad said. "Ah luove th' likkle ones, eh wot!" The dibbuns crowded around the newcomers, their eyes wide.
"I've neva seen anotha hare a'fore!" Flufftail said.
"Aye, and soon enough ye'll have see enough of this one to last ye a lifetime!" Khyber said, knowing what was coming.
As Sage and company came downstairs to them, he began to sing. (A/N to the tune of "Patriot Day"… that Irish song…)
"Come ooll ye young dibbuns, I've a story ta sing! Far the love o' one's puddens is a wonderous thing!Ooll the bolly old chaps, wot! How spiffin' are they?
An' nuow we'll eat puddins ooll night and ooll dey!
The dibbuns clapped and ran off with Galahad to the kitchens to eat the pudding as they said they would. Khyber stayed behind to talk to the more sane people… or so she thought.
"He always does that," she said, shaking her head.
"I like songs!" Sage said. "I wish we'd sing more of them…" Oh, if you only knew…
"Yeah, Sage'll randomly burst into song sometimes," Savvie said, straining to look up at the giant badger. Actually, Khyber was short for her kind, only about two heads taller than anyone else there… but Savvie was short, so she made up for it.
"Yeah, like this morning," Largo said with a dull look.
Khyber looked around and twitched. "Okay…" she said. "I know this is sudden and you don't really know us yet but—"
"I'm available!" came Logan's voice from the gate. They looked at him.
"We weren't talking to you," Largo said, irritably.
"Anyway… As I was saying… Galahad and I are going to paint this town orange!"
"Orange?" Flavalla said, confused. "I thought the expression was, 'Paint the town red'."
"There's an expression?" Khyber said, bewildered.
"Why do you want to 'paint the town orange'?" Savvie asked.
"Because whenever Gal and I come to a new place that is music deprived and slightly orange… we have to have it…"
"Have what?" Sage asked tentatively.
"An Orange Disco Dance Party!" As if from nowhere, orange streamers came down and the walls began to turn orange. Khyber's orange floated up to the ceiling and began to spin and sparkle. It was kind of like they had stepped into one of those random anime shows where things like this happen with no regard as to how long it would really take to set all that up. (A/N Maybe listening to J-rock while writing odd stories isn't that great of an idea…)
"Odd…" Sage commented.
"Yup." Savvie said.
All of a sudden, Galahad had a microphone and was strumming on of the odd instruments they had brought with them. Khyber was on the newly made orange dance floor. (A/N This is to the tune of "Dancing Queen" from "Mama Mia!" Told ya I was gonna use some of those songs!)
Ooh Ooh
She can dance
She can jive
Having the time of her life! Ooh ooh
See those moves, watch this scene
That badger's a dancing fiend!
In the day when we're hanging round
Eatin' fresh fruit that's dropped to the ground
Khyber's singing some music
Readying for her dance
Watching the dibbuns prance
Anybody can come and try
Young or old, we see them fly
With a bit of strange music
Everything is set
We're in the mood to dance
But when we get the chance
We can be dancing fiends
Big or small, maybe three feet tall
Dancing fiends
Feel the beat from what Kyber sings
Oh yeah
We can dance, we can jive
Having the time of our lives, ooh ooh
See us dance, watch our scene
We are the dancing fiends!
Kyber dances like a saint
Sage is twirling?
I could faint!
Looking round at the others
They're all doing well
Everyone wants to dance
Well, they've got their chance
We are all dancing fiends
Thin and fat, everywhere between
Dancing fiends
Hear the beat of those who sing
Oh yeah
We can dance, we can jive
Having the time of our lives, ooh ooh
See us dance, watch our scene
We are the dancing fiends!
We are the dancing fiends!
See us dance, watch our scene
We are the dancing fiends!
We are the dancing fiends!
True to the song, everyone in the Wall of Redness… the Wall of Orangness was dancing like madbeasts. Even Sage, who was horrible at dancing and tended to avoid it whenever possible, was out there, twirling like a top and chasing Lil' Vaka around. Fluffums was break-dancing. The dibbuns were everywhere, wagging their little tails and shaking their groove things. Mariel, who had previously not been mentioned in this story, was doing an interesting little jig with Dandin involving a lot of rope twirling. Savvie had even managed to get Largo onto the dance floor, though he was just standing there, with a frightened look on his face, wondering why he had ever come here. Savvie was dancing and whistling. All you could see of Khyber was a black and white blur. Next to her, Flavalla danced the Frodo dance. In a corner, Logan was eating dirt.
Soon everyone but the badger and the hare collapsed on the ground, too worn out to move. However, the dibbuns, being sprightly young things always full of energy. And the cooks… 'cause they were busy cooking. They liked to do that rather than dance like mad furry things. Because, see, they were already mad furry things. They just took it out on the food. That's why it was so…. Interesting… Yeah… that's it. Anywhosies, while the cooks set everything up for a "YAY, there are new people" feast, the dibbuns went off in a corner to collaborate about something… collaborative. Slowly, everyone else got to their paws and migrated towards the tables. All except a certain mischievous young hobbit—I mean, mouse lass.
While spinning in circles, Sage had come up with a way to get two of her companions together… literally. With some nudging of seating arrangements, a few words to a certain hare-chap, some gloves, and some super-glue… they wouldn't be able to separate from each other. (A/N Hey! I should try this in real life! But if I put it in this fanfic and they both read it… oh well)
She turned to Savvie, "Hey, I'm gonna get some stuff for dinner, alright?"
"Okay…" Savvie responded, not sure why she told her this.
Sage quickly grabbed a bottle of super-glue, tore off the label and read, "Dries in 5 minutes or less!", smiled, grabbed a pair of pale-green non-stick gloves, and headed towards Galahad, the Irish Hare.
"Hi, mister!" she said.
"Oh, hello young lass!" the exuberant hare said.
"Umm… I thought I should tell you… At the… erm… this place, when we have feasts for new arrivals, it's customary for the guest or guests to say the evening prayer. You know, everyone holds paws and you'll say a blessing and all…" Sage looked hopeful.
"Well, nouw! Can't break tradition, can we? I'd be glad ta give tha blessin'!" he said, giving her a grand smile.
Sage smiled back. 'So far, so good,' she thought. Quickly, she slipped on the green gloves and went over to where Savvie was just sitting down.
"Your paws look mighty dirty there, Savvie!" she said with a reproving look. "Oh! But I just remembered, I have this stuff I made out of plants that's really good for sanitizing hands!" With that, Sage brought out the super-glue. "This stuff should do the trick!"
Savvie took the bottle from her. "Thank you…" she said, looking at Sage oddly. "Did you use some?"
"Yup! The gloves are just 'cause I felt like it!"
"Riiiiight…" As Savvie poured some of the glue on her paws, Sage got up and grabbed Largo, making sure he sat on the other side of Savvie.
"Just do it! Would you rather sit next to Logan?" she said to his protests. Sure enough, the only other open spot was next to the crazy mouse, who sat there, at the end of the table, chewing on his plate.
"Whatever," Largo said.
"This is kinda sticky, Sage," Savvie said, rubbing her paws together.
"Yeah, it is at first," Sage said, trying not to look suspicious.
"Alright, hold paws everybeast!" Galahad called from the head of the table. "'Tis time far th' evenin' prayer!" Savvie grabbed Largo's and Sage's paws as Sage tried hard no to smile.
"Oh, great loard o' veggie's an' fruit,
O' tree's an' flow'rs an' sky ta boot,
We give thee thanks far all we own,
Far orchards an' crops that we have sown!
Thankee' kindly far all thou hast done,
We give our thanks far the years ta come!
Now dig in, everybeast!" he said to a great load of applause from everyone except Largo and Savvie. They were too busy trying to separate their paws. The super-glue had done it's job.
"Aww… look," Sage said, grinning broadly, "they're holding paws!"
"SAGE! THAT WAS GLUE, WASN'T IT!" Savvie screamed at her.
"Maybe…" Sage said, innocently.
"How the heck am I supposed to eat?" Largo said. "I'm right-pawed, not left-pawed!"
"Savvie's paw is free… she could feed you!"
"How 'bout NO!" he said.
"Why didn't my paw stick you yours, Sage?" Savvie asked.
Sage wiggled her glove-covered paws. "Anti-stick gloves."
From across the table, Flavalla snorted. "She got you good."
"This isn't funny!" Largo said.
"Whatever, I'm hungry," Savvie said, and with that, began eating, her cheeks red.
"What am I supposed to do?" Largo said.
"Eat with your left paw," Flavalla told him. "It can't be that hard. Besides, the glue'll eventually wear off."
"It better!"
After the lovely feast of leak and mushroom pasty, walnut encrusted flan, fresh summer salad, vegetable soup, macaroni and cheese, pie, lemons, pineapples, strons, mint scones, raspberry cordial, hot pie tea, and orange sherbet for desert, the dibbuns got up in front of Khyber and Galahad.
"We have a song ta sing fa you!" Flufftail said.
"Actually," said a little shrewbabe, "it's more like a rap." (A/N I said Redwall 'cause it just worked.)
"It's not tha blue or tha green wall
It's not tha short or tha tall wall
It's Da REDWAAAAAAALL!
Redwall is da place where we laugh and play
Redwall is da place where we eat all day!
The food is yummy and tha games are fun
But if ya eat too much, you'll weigh a ton!
Swim in tha lake and chase all tha fish
But watch for big ones, or you'll be a tasty dish!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Redwall!
Ya know ya love it!"
During the dibbun rap, all the young ones performed amazing break-dancing skills. Yes, they were talented, weren't they? Indeed! Most of the elders sat there with their mouths open, not sure what the heck that was all about.
Galahad, however, nearly clapped his paws off. "Oh, that was terrific! Och, aye! It certainly was!"
Khyber giggled. "They sure have taken a liking to each other!" she whispered to Flavalla.
Flavalla smiled. "Yup."
"Here, why don't we sing you another song?" Khyber stood up. "I know you'll like this one!"
"O' course! The badger song!" Galahad said, excitedly. He grabbed another odd-looking instrument and began to sing and play. (To the tune of "Money Money Money", another "Mama Mia" song… and yes, it says "Redwall". Oh well)
"I sleep all night, I work all day
To keep things goin' I have ta say:
"Hey old chaps!"
And still there never seems to be
A bit of fun just for me!
That's too bad!
In my dreams I've seen this thing
It seems ta jump about and sing
It says I wouldn't have ta work
Or hang around that silly jerk-
Badger badger badger
Dancing faster
In a Redwall world
Badger badger badger
Scaring strangers
In a Redwall world
Ahaaaaaa! Ohoooooo!
All those moves she can do!
It's just a wee bit scary
In this Redwall world
In this Redwall world
A dance like that is hard to do
When you're black and white and furry too!
It's crazy!
And if she stumbles just a bit
Many'd fall; we'd all get hit!
It'd be hazy!
But she's so good, she never fails
She'll teach us all to jump and wail
We'll all learn how to dance so great
Everyone will groove, the walls will shake!
Badger badger badger
Dancing faster
In a Redwall world
Badger badger badger
Scaring strangers
In a Redwall world
Ahaaaaaa! Ohoooooo!
All the moves she can do!
It's just a wee bit scary
In a Redwall world
Badger badger badger
Dancing faster
In a Redwall world
Badger badger badger
Scaring strangers
In a Redwall world
Ahaaaaaa! Ohoooooo!
All the moves we can do!
It's just a wee bit scary
In a Redwall world
In a Redwall world!"
Yet again, everyone was dancing. Even the cooks got into it this time… and Logan as well. He was throwing dirt at creatures… including himself. Well, he was… until Largo locked him in a random closet. But Logan didn't mind. In random closets there are usually spiders… and spiders taste good. Savvie's attempts at getting Largo to dance were more effective now that their paws were glued together. Stuffed with food and worn out from dancing, the short patrol decided it was time to go to bed.
"Sage!" Savvie called. "How the heck are we supposed to get any sleep with our paws glued together?" she said, gesturing at their locked paws.
Sage grinned a very mischievous grin.
"No," Largo said flatly. "Don't even think it, Sage."
Vaka laughed. "I suppose you two're old enough now!" His older sister whacked him. "Hey! That hurt!" he said, rubbing his head.
"Not funny," Savvie said. "Sage, please! I'm begging you. Just find a way to separate our paws!"
Sage pouted. "I wouldn't think you'd want to." They glared at her. "Okay! Okay! Seriously, I have no idea how to do that!"
"Terrific," Largo said.
Mariel, Dandin, and Gonff walked up to them. "I could whack them apart, if you'd like," she said, twirling her rope.
"Tha-that's okay!" Savvie said. "It's not that bad!"
"Here," Gonff sighed "Let me." He grabbed their joined paws in his and said, "I now pronounce you, Husband and Mousewife!"
"HEY!" they both yelled, yanking their paws away from him, which coincidentally ripped them apart.
"Told ya I'd fix it!" Gonff said, grinning. "You may kiss the bride," he added to Largo.
"Eww! No!" Largo said, rubbing his paw.
"That hurt!" Savvie said.
"Yes, love can be that way, sometimes," Dandin said. "I should know," he said, looking at Mariel, who was still twirling her rope.
"Well, you love-birds! It's time for bed!" Sage said, yawning.
"Meh," was Savvie's reply.
See, this chapter wasn't as long as the last one. I kinda didn't expect it to be. YAY FOR BOLERO! As Emmi-kun says… It's a way of life! Doncha just love oranges?
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