Beta-ed by Melanie39.

Disclaimer- I own nothing, don't sue me.

The Accidental Hero

Chapter 17

Ryan watched as Marissa slowly got to her feet. He wanted to reach out but didn't trust himself at the moment. He heard Seth's urgent voice, then Summer, Kirsten, Sandy. They all seemed to be talking at once but he could only stare at the ugly red swelling on Marissa's face. Flashes of conversation penetrated through the fog.

"What happened?"

"He didn't mean it."

"He hit you?"

"What!"

"Chino…what the hell happened…you punched her?"

"He didn't mean it…I startled him."

"We need to get ice on that…Sandy take Marissa into the kitchen."

"Ryan…Ryan?"

"What's the matter with him?"

Ryan flinched as Seth took his arm and shook him.

"Seth, take Summer inside now."

Ryan swallowed hard. This was bad…this was so bad.

"Ryan, come with me. It's O.K sweetie. Just come with me."

Ryan let Kirsten lead him around to the front of the house.

"Get in…let's get away from here."

Ryan nodded and opened the car door. He buckled up and sat impassively as Kirsten drove. He barely registered where they were going. His mind held a jumble of possibilities. When they pulled up outside the Newport Group offices he frowned; this had not been one of them.

Kirsten sat him down in her office and set about brewing some coffee. As she put the filter paper in the percolator she looked round at Ryan as he sat on one of the sofas. He looked in shock. He stared down at the floor with a blank expression on his face and his hands hung loosely on his lap. The Ryan she knew was somehow always tense and aware of his surroundings but this Ryan looked like a whipped dog.

Her cell phone rang and she answered quickly. Sandy enquired where they were; she told him and quietly asked how Marissa was. She kept the conversation brief, eyeing Ryan as she spoke. She shut the phone and waited for the coffee to brew. She filled two mugs and sat down opposite him. She held his cup out and had to almost force it into his hands when he just stared blankly at it. He eventually took the mug, cupping the steaming liquid with both his hands and gazed into the steam as if he'd find life's answers there.

"What happened back there Ryan? Because I know you and I know you wouldn't hurt Marissa intentionally."

Her words fell into the silence.

"Ryan?"

After an age he looked away from his cup and into her eyes.

"How are you? I mean after what Corso did. How come you seem so together after what happened?"

His voice was soft but Kirsten heard the genuine plea in his question.

Kirsten took a deep breath and stared talking.

"Together…I'm not sure I am really Ryan but the people at Suriak are helping me come to terms with it and I'm taking sleeping tablets at night. Things are getting better, I can deal with it more now. I still see that man's face but it's not getting to me as much as it did. Sandy helps a lot too. Some nights he just holds me when things get bad. I don't know what I'd do without him."

Talking about it to Ryan wasn't as bad as she thought.

"I knew that nothing I could do was going to stop it from happening. I was so scared, so, so scared…I'd worked so hard to get my life back on track and then this one person came along and threatened to undo everything I'd achieved. I'm an alcoholic Ryan and that is always going to be the case. I worked so hard to come to terms with that but as that man was attacking me, all I could think about was how I was going to have a drink the first moment I could. Then you showed up. I don't think I've ever been so relieved to see someone in my life, and it's not the first time you've defended me is it?" she added thoughtfully.

Kirsten took a sip of her coffee.

"I can never thank you enough for what you did. I feel so guilty that I left you on your own that night. I owe you so much and that's why I can't bear to see you like this. Ryan, I can see that you're hurting and you won't let us help. You never let us help. How do you think that makes us feel to know that you don't trust us enough to let us in?"

Ryan became interested in his cup again.

"I know that I haven't always been there for you, I admit that I didn't want you in our house at first and I'm so ashamed of that but I want to be here for you now. And it's not out of gratitude or pity, it's because I love you. I love you like a son. For me to admit that finally means a lot and I wish I'd said it sooner. You can't choose your family but we chose to have you become part of ours because we wanted it, not because we had to. It's a two-way thing Ryan and you have got to stop pushing us away when you need help…. please"

Ryan seemed to be weighing her words in his head; she could see the subtle changes in his face as he processed her words. After an agonizing length of time he spoke.

"I was there when Cody shot Corso. It was something I can't describe Kirsten. Watching that was sickening but I wanted him dead because of what he did to you."

Ryan put his cup down.

"I wished that I had asked for help sooner, then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand, but I was so worried that they were going to do what they threatened to you. I thought I could cope with the shit that they threw at me, I thought it was manageable. I wasn't sleeping and I guess my judgment was off."

Ryan paused and gave a shaky sigh.

"When I was arrested I hoped it would be all over but then I found myself back inside."

Ryan started to look agitated and he fell silent again. Kirsten thought that she'd lost the fragile connection they had going as he got up and stood with his back to her, looking out of the window. It seemed like an age again before he spoke. It was always the same with Ryan; he'd give a little then hold back.

"Being inside is a nightmare Kirsten. You're watched all the time, and if it's not the guards then it's the other inmates. You can't get away from it and you have to do your best just to blend in because if you don't then you're in deep shit. I kept my head down, I didn't want any trouble…I was only there for a few days and I didn't want to jeopardize anything. You see Kirsten, inside there's a hierarchical system. There are gangs, groups…They are the ones really in charge and unless you're a known or you gain their respect you're pretty much their fodder. They'll beat the hell out of you for just looking at them a second too long. It's not necessarily that they want to or that you did anything wrong, it's just that to stay at the top of the food chain then you've got to keep proving that you're worthy to be there. If they lose that edge then there will always be someone to step into their shoes. That's why the violence is there and that's why it will always be there."

Kirsten felt uneasy as Ryan talked. She had seen a brief glimpse of the raw emotions that day in juvenile hall. She knew adult prison would be worse but hearing it from Ryan's lips it made it real.

"But there are people inside that aren't just surviving like most of the gangs. They like the power, they want control and they will do anything to get it. Fear is the main power they have. If they gain a reputation big enough then they pretty much rule the joint."

Ryan rested his forehead against the glass. Kirsten could see he was wrestling with himself. He didn't want to talk, she knew that but he also seemed to be trying to reach out. He had fallen silent again.

"Ryan, please…whatever you say I'll understand. You can't keep doing this to yourself. I've been honest with you, I've just told you things that even Sandy didn't know…be honest with me. Please."

"I'm sorry it just..." His words trailed off.

"It's not easy, I know but take it easy, there's no hurry."

Ryan went quiet again. Kirsten held her breath and wondered if he would ever open up to her, she felt like a failure.

He eventually stared speaking again, his voice faltering occasionally.

"It…it didn't take me long to find out that the one person to avoid at all cost was a guy called Rafferty, he had his own special brand of intimidation that entailed the ultimate in control and caused the maximum fear in people, especially in the new intake. You see, the theory is get your message across as soon as possible as to who is in charge and nip any visions of grandeur before they even start."

The way he was speaking in flat monotone, it was like he had fazed her out, like he was speaking to himself. Kirsten knew that this wasn't easy for him and if that helped him then so be it; she ignored her phone vibrating in her pocket and listened.

"I don't know what I did to get on his radar but I did…and the old prison clichés are true Kirsten."

Ryan gave a bitter laugh. Kirsten shut her eyes and hoped that this wasn't going where she thought it was, the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach intensifying. She could hear him swallow a few times.

"Go on." She said softly.

"I… God…"

His voice changed as he tried to keep himself from breaking down. Kirsten sensed that the barriers were crumbling as he fought to keep his emotions in check.

"I…I got cornered in the shower block. Everyone else cleared out, it was like they all knew what was going to happen and I was the last to find out."

Ryan rested his head on the glass again.

"Not being able to do anything is the worst, just as you said Kirsten. Feeling weak and useless. I…I had two people pinning me down…I mean I tried to fight…I tried so hard but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life and I've been in some situations in my time. I felt disgusted with myself that I was letting this happen. As a man you just think that no matter what you would be able to stop something like that from happening but I couldn't…I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it."

"God Ryan no…" Kirsten couldn't stop the exclamation.

"I couldn't believe that I was in that situation, I just didn't have any fight left. I thought I was going to pass out and then I heard Trey's voice…I thought it was just a weird fucking trip I was having… that I was imagining Trey was there stepping in like he used to when we were kids but he was there as large as life. Apparently a friend of his from way back thought he recognized me and told him that I might be inside…seems that Trey is one of the top dogs there now. He stopped it…threatened to cut Rafferty's balls off, violence is the only thing that people like that respond to Thank God."

Ryan turned around and put his hands deep in his pockets. Kirsten could see the conflict raging in his eyes.

"Nothing happened, so why do I feel like this? Why do I still feel violated? Why can't I just let it go Kirsten? I keep having flashbacks and they're so real, I can't always control them but I try. I thought I was hitting Rafferty tonight but when I opened my eyes Marissa was on the floor…I punched Marissa! I'm no better than the men I hated growing up…I hit my girlfriend in the face."

He gave another bitter laugh.

"It's ironic that my brother who tried to rape my girlfriend saved me from the same thing and then I fucking hit her because I can't control myself. Things were supposed to be better here but they're more fucked up than in Chino."

Kirsten leaped up and crossed the room in a few strides. She wrapped her arms around him.

"God Ryan, why didn't you tell us?"

"How could I? It's not something I wanted anyone to know about. I should have been able to stop it." He said in an anguished tone.

"Why…because you're a man? I'd like to see anyone try and fight off three grown men and come out unscathed."

Kirsten stepped back.

"Ryan, you saw me that night. You helped me get decent, you pulled down my nightdress. You saw me how I never wanted you to see me. I felt so embarrassed but not once have you made me feel uncomfortable, not once have you made me feel ashamed. Why would you think I'd act any differently towards you? You could have come to me with this and I would have understood what you were going through. I would have understood that you feel ashamed, that you felt that it was somehow your fault and that somehow you might have encouraged it because that's how I felt but you didn't do anything wrong. Suriak taught me that it's natural to feel like that but it's wrong too. We both did nothing wrong and we have got to let go. I've accepted that and you have to but you've got to realize that you can't do this alone. When was the last time you slept properly?"

Ryan shrugged, the first night he was home he'd slept but since then not so much.

"You need sleep, you're so strung out. We can all see it. That isn't helping you think clearly. We're going to go home and you are going to take one of my tablets…you're going straight to sleep and then we are going to figure out how we are going to sort this out because we will sort this out. That's what we are here for, all of us. Have you got that now Ryan?"

He looked down at his shoes and nodded.

"Thank you."

"No thanks needed, we're in this together, all of us."

She put her arm around him and was pleased when she felt his arm wrap around her waist. She felt like she had won half the battle. The next would be how to deal with Julie.

Ryan continued talking, He hadn't wanted to, he hadn't expected it to happen but once he'd started it was like the flood gates had opened. He knew that he couldn't hide from this anymore, he'd punched his girlfriend, he wasn't manageing anything by himself. The neutral, almost sterile setting of the office had made it easier somehow. And he didn't quite know what had happened between him and Kirsten but it felt like such a relief not to have to shoulder everything himself. He had always felt uncomfortable around her before. He knew that if anyone held sway in the Cohen household it was Kirsten and he always felt like he was walking on eggshells around her because he knew that ultimately she would be the one to ask him to leave. Men used their fists but women were the ones that really hurt you. He found himself really trusting Kirsten for the first time ever, as he looked into her eyes he saw that she really did care…she didn't appear to be giving the empty promises that his mom had always made. She really did seem to want to be there for him.

They both talked and it felt good not to be treated like a kid as Kirsten shared things from her past with him. Kirsten Cohen was telling the fuck up from Chino personal things, stuff about Caleb and her mom. She actually trusted him and that made it easier for him to dump some of the baggage that he'd been carrying. He still didn't feel comfortable talking about himself but he knew that this wasn't easy for her either and that helped.

They had formed a support group with only two members but it worked.

For the first time in weeks…if not years he felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Kirsten sat at the head of the table. She knew everyone looked at her expectantly wondering why she had called this meeting of sorts and why Ryan had been so closely guarded by her since they had arrived home. They had watched her shepherd him into the pool house, ten minutes later she had come out, told everyone to leave him alone on pain of death then disappeared again. She knew they weren't happy with her right now.

She politely offered everyone juice.

"Mom, enough with the hostess stuff. What the hell is going on with Ryan?" Seth was subdued.

Kirsten calmly turned to Marissa and eyed the angry bruise on her cheek.

"Are you O.K Sweetie? That looks nasty."

Marissa nodded.

"How is he?"

"That's why we're here. He wanted me to explain a few things to you. He doesn't want to do it himself but has given me permission to do so as part of a new open policy we have going. This family has had enough secrets and from now on we are all going to be more open with each other. And that means Ryan as well."

"Should I even be here then Mrs. Cohen?"

"Yes Summer, Ryan wanted you here as you're Seth's girlfriend and Marissa's friend…and Marissa is here because what I have to say involves her."

Sandy pulled his chair in close and smiled at Summer.

"So come on Mom…what's going on? Why did Ryan go all Ali on Marissa?"

Kirsten bit her lip.

"What I say here goes no further…Ryan wants your word on this."

Everyone nodded.

"I can't dress this up in any way so I'm just going to be to the point. When Ryan was in prison he was attacked by some of the inmates…they tried to rape him."

There was a collective gasp from the table.

"Jesus." Summer held Seth's hand.

Seth looked sick.

"No." Marissa just looked stunned.

Sandy was silent. Kirsten could see that his brain was working at a thousand miles an hour as he clenched his jaw and was already figuring out who would pay for this.

"It also seems that his brother is back inside to finish his sentence and thank God for that, because Trey stepped in and stopped it from going too far. But that's not really the point. Ryan's not in a good place at the moment. Speaking from my own experience, and I'm sure Marissa would agree, something like this completely messes with your head. Ryan hasn't been sleeping, and on top of all the stress of the past few weeks and knowing he has to testify, he's not handling it well. He's been having vivid flashbacks and unfortunately Marissa you caught the tail end of one. He wasn't lashing out at you and he's beside himself that he did."

Kirsten looked around the table and was so proud of how everyone was taking the news. All she saw was concern for Ryan and part of her wished that he were here so he could witness that for himself but she understood why he hadn't wanted to be here for something so personal.

"Now what I'm going to say you're not going to like Marissa, but Ryan thinks it's for the best and so do I. He thinks that he shouldn't see you until after the trial. He wouldn't forgive himself if anything else were to happen and he needs to sort himself out. He's not pushing you away, it's just, and I'm using his words now, 'just until he can be sure that he can keep a handle on himself.' He needs you to understand and that's why he wanted Summer here because you need her to help you understand that this is for the best."

Marissa looked upset.

"But I know he didn't mean to hurt me and it won't happen again."

"Ryan can't be sure of that right now. He needs time to get his head around some of the things that have happened. Sweetie he only wants a few weeks that's all. You've both been through so much and you'll survive this."

"But..."

"Coop, I think he needs this." Summer put her arm around her friend.

Seth shuffled in his seat.

"So what are we going to do about Julie because she isn't going to be understanding about this is she? And Ryan is not going to want her to know about any of this."

"I'm way ahead of you there son. Ryan doesn't need this to get out amongst the Newpsies, they would tear him limb from limb. I've got a plan."

Sandy got up and put his arm around Marissa.

"Come on kid…let's go face the dragon."

Sandy followed Marissa into her house. Julie came flying out of nowhere.

"Where the hell have you been Marissa? Wasting your time with that boy no doubt…"

She stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of Sandy standing with his eyebrow cocked.

"Actually it's my fault that Marissa is late home, although she was spending time with Ryan."

Julie pulled Marissa into the light.

"What the hell happened to your face?"

Sandy ran his hand through his hair.

"Julie I…well I hit her with my surf board. You know how those things are difficult to handle. One minute I was alone and the next 'bam' Marissa was a casualty."

"It's not that bad Mom and it was really my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going."

Sandy looked contrite.

"You raised quite a kid Julie, no tears and she has already forgiven me for giving her a shiner."

Julie narrowed her eyes. Something was off here.

"Don't worry, Kirsten has already ripped into me. I swear I've managed to clobber everyone with that thing at one time or another. The only person I didn't ever manage to get was Caleb and that's the one person I kept aiming for."

Sandy gave Marissa a quick hug.

" Sorry again kid."

He turned and walked away.

"Night Julie. I'll send Ryan your love."

Julie cupped her hand under Marissa's jaw.

"What really happened?"

Marissa pulled her head away.

"God Mom…were you not listening? I walked into Sandy's board."

"It looks like someone hit you."

Marissa turned and faced her mother.

"So you think Sandy hit me? You're pathetic."

"I didn't say that I thought Sandy hit you. Ryan…I know his type."

Marissa laughed bitterly.

"You are just unreal. I walked into a surfboard Mom. Do you think Sandy would stand by and let Ryan hit me? You know Sandy better than that. You really are pathetic."

She flicked her hair and walked away.

Julie watched her daughter march up the stairs. She was right; Sandy would never cover up something like that. One thing was sure. She'd make Sandy pay for making her daughter look like a street fighter.

Marissa flopped down on her bed. She let the tears come. Poor Ryan…the next few weeks were going to be hell for him and not being able to see him was going to be so hard but if that is what he wanted then she would do that for him. She owed him that much.

TBC

Wasn't that a nice, long chapter! My fingers are fair worn to the bone.

Still ever so needy. R and R...pretty please.