Chapter Three: Komodo Kickassery and Other Morning Happenings

Grissom was beaming in his white tuxedo, at his arm an equally white Sara, the gown silk and lace and white roses. The trumpets were blowing as the rest of the CSIs threw confetti, but the newlyweds paused suddenly, turning.

"Nina, you brought us together. How can we ever thank you?" Grissom smiled and Nina's heart swelled. It was only fair that they thanked her, when she had gotten them together and given the wonder herb that made Sara fertile again, but it still felt wonderful to be acknowledged so openly. "How can we, Nina? Niiiiina…"

"Niiiiiina…"

"Mmmm?"

"You going to wake up sometime this century?"

Blinking, Nina adjusted her vision to see her black-haired roommate, Elisa, leaning over her. Ah. A dream again. She'd have to write it down, as many great fanfics of hers had been born out of dreams.

"Ow… What happened?"

Elisa looked strangely sympathetic, a sure sign that whatever had happened could not have been good.

"You were hit on the head with a book. 'Relationships for Dummies: That Means You Too, CSI!' by Al Robbins, I think. You passed out and someone from the staff got you to bed."

"Oh."

"I guess you shouldn't have suggested to that Ekwy girl that Grissom was only with Lady Heather because Lady Heather role-played Sara for him," Elisa said thoughtfully. Nina only groaned in response. Dratted Lady Heather/Grissom shippers, they sure knew how to wield a book. Probably all closeted dominatrixes who knew nothing of love but all about whipping.

She would get her vengeance on Ekwy, oh yes. Probably something involving chaining Ekwy to a rotting corpse and mailing it to FarFarOffistan.

Putting the sweet thought of revenge aside for the moment, Nina fought to an upright position. It had been a good party last night, all in all, books on heads not withstanding. Grissom had been oh so delicious and he had looked in Sara's direction all of twenty-two times. Nina had counted.

Of course, that rude Theresa girl had claimed he'd also looked in Catherine's direction twenty-three times, but that was surely all lies and if he had looked, it had probably been helplessly trying to communicate to Catherine that she had to set him and Sara up since he was so awkward with love. Nina liked that plot, if only because it annoyed CGRs even more.

"Did I miss much?" she asked, rubbing her temples.

"Not really," Elisa replied. "Well, some of us Catherine/Warrick shippers tried to dump a bucket of mistletoe on the two so they'd be forced to kiss. Unfortunately, they are both very fast and we dumped it on Hodges and Doc Robbins instead and they actually did kiss, just to spite us, I think. I'm gonna be blind for a year."

It was Nina's turn to wince in sympathy, even if she'd never been that hot on CWR (though a lot of Geeklovers seemed to be, like Elisa). Still, if it kept Catherine away from Grissom, she was all in favor. "Where'd you get mistletoe?"

"Greg."

"Where did he get it?"

"The mysterious staff section."

"What, it's Christmas up there all the time?"

Elina just shrugged. "No one knows but the staff. I'm heading off to breakfast, see you later."

Nina suddenly felt a whole lot more awake as a devious plan hit her. It was time to be sneaky. It was time for the ultimate vengeance. It was time for the ultimate plan.

It was time to get into the staff section.

II

The elevator leading to the staff section was empty and quiet, with most students probably still sleeping off hangovers and insult-a-thons. It took a lot out of one to battle the heathen followers of Other Pairings followers, after all. No ordinary insults would do, which sadly meant that some recuperation time was usually needed afterwards.

The elevator seemed normal enough, Nina surmised, but it didn't budge as she pushed the button for the top floor. A keycard reader gleamed at her, as if teasing her with the shiny metal. But that was absurd, it wasn't like it was alive, or anything. Besides, it was only a minor set-back. She just had to find a keycard.

So where would a staff member be this early in the morning, aside from the staff section?

Didn't Miss Cam handle class requirements? Maybe a fake problem with a class would be just the thing…

Plan revitalized, Nina set out. She found Miss Cam's office on the same floor as the lecture halls, which already smelled of Education. Nina wondered just what made that smell – it was a semi-mix of stuffed air, paper, people, and sour socks. Why it was always sour socks, she had no idea.

She knocked carefully, and cracked the door open when a grunt answered. "Miss Cam?"

"Yes?" Miss Cam sounded more than a little annoyed – a bit odd for someone who was meant to help students, Nina thought.

"I have a question."

"If you want to borrow a wheelbarrow for transporting the books for Forensics 101, go talk to the janitor on the basement floor," Miss Cam replied dismissively. "That's also where you get cleaning supplies if someone spray painted 'Greg+NickBunnySquee!' on your locker."

"No, no," Nina muttered, making a mental note to check her locker later. "I was wondering if I could…. Eh, take a more advanced class this year? Self study?"

Miss Cam seemed to find this amusing, looking up from the file she was peeking through. "More advanced class? What did you have in mind? 'Symbolism and Subtext (Not All Butterflies and Buttsex)' that you'll have later on? 'Legally Kicking Ass' with Brass?"

With a sudden jolt, Nina realized she hadn't actually looked at what the more advanced classes were. Come to think of it, had the staff told them? It would be slightly worrying if they had not.

"No, I was thinking… More advanced Relationshipping class?" Nina ventured. "I mean, my long experience with writing Grissom and Sara, that One True Pairing, surely makes me qualified for an advanced…"

"No," Miss Cam said flatly. She pulled up another folder. "Let's see… You wrote 'Heart of the Butterfly's Cocoon', yes?"

"Yeah…"

"Where Grissom and Sara do it eight times? Within an hour? On a swing?" Miss Cam raised an eyebrow. "You do realize Grissom is a middle-aged man?"

Nina scowled. "True love conquers all!"

Miss Cam gave a short sigh. "Love does not conquer the laws of biology, gravity, mathematics, energy, and/or mass. You really…. What?"

The last was directed to someone behind Nina and she turned to see Miss PA in the hallway, looking slightly annoyed.

"Bit of a ruckus in the student mess hall. I think you better come."

Miss Cam groaned. "Food fight already?"

"Not quite. It's more like food cold war at the moment," Miss PA replied, shaking her head. "It's the Nick/Warrick shippers arguing with the Greg/Nick shippers over what would be the sexiest things to whisper in Nick's ear – Greg's sweet Norwegian nothings or Warrick's gambling euphemisms."

"Had to happen," Miss Cam muttered, getting up. As she passed Nina, she gave a hard glare. "In my rude opinion, you're more than overqualified for Relationshipping 101 and not any advanced class. But feel free to check out the more advanced books from the library, even though I doubt you'll read a word."

Nina stuck her tongue out Miss Cam's back as the two walked away and instantly felt better. She felt even better yet when she threw a glance into the paper-stacked office. There, gleaming on the desk, lay the keycard.

The day was getting better and better.

II

Gold!

The elevator door opened finally and Nina walked out into the staff section, her heart a-flutter. This was truly striking gold. Now, she just needed to find Grissom and Sara, dump the bucket of cold water on them, lock them in a room and wait for them to share body heat as not to get a cold. And as all knew, that would lead to instant romance and true love realized.

She hummed the wedding march as she took in the hallway, bucket in hand. It looked fairly fashionable, carpets on the floors, ornamented lamps giving a soft light, a few paintings hanging on the walls. Here and there was a door, and somewhere in the distance, she could hear clattering noises and low conversation. Now she just had to find a suitable ambush spot and…

The elevator pinged open again, and swung around hurriedly, ready to toss the water instantly if were Grissom and Sara, only to come face to face with…

"You!"

"You!"

Theresa and Nina stared at each other, Nina trying to make The Enemy's brain spontaneously combust by mere thought. It didn't seem to work too well; she only got a nasty stare in return and her eyes started watering.

"How did you get here?" Nina finally hissed.

"I stole Miss PA's keycard, hah! How did you get here?" Theresa hissed back, clutching her bucket of goo (Nina suspected this was meant to be tossed at Catherine and Grissom, giving both an excellent reason to shower, but only a delusional CGR shipper would think they'd then shower together!).

"Stole Miss Cam's."

Both took this under careful advisement without lowering the intensity of hate-filled glaring.

"You don't think…" Nina said, suddenly feeling as if she was being watched.

"…That this was a little too easy?"

"Think we were set up?"

They contemplated this, both still staring the other down - it did not come natural for them to think the other capable of thought, after all. Even if they might be in the same predicament, they were still on the opposite of the Abyss. (Nina of course being on the All Right side, as far as she was concerned, Theresa being on the All Wrong.)

A low hiss punctuated the silence, followed by another.

"Are you hearing… AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

II

It was breakfast time in the staff section, the air thick with the smell of coffee (Blue Hawai'ian, naturally; Greg would tolerate nothing less), bacon, and eggs. In one corner, Jacqui and Mia were having a low conversation while sipping tea, Mia relating how one CGR shipper had tried to bribe her to take Warrick out of the picture with promises of unlimited supplies of hair care products or something. Grissom wasn't really listening, more focused on eating his toast, feeling undisturbed by the distant screaming as Catherine, Warrick, and Nick walked in.

"What's the noise about?" Nick asked, reaching for the coffee. "Don't tell me Greg lured his lusters into witnessing an autopsy already?"

"No," Grissom replied simply. He took another bite and continued reading the paper on determining bruise aging. He wondered briefly if perhaps a few injured students would make the perfect elements for studying this.

"I'm going to have to guess until I get it right, aren't I?" Nick muttered, looking slightly annoyed.

"Or you could just look out into the hallway," Sara answered, entering from said hallway, smiling slightly. "The noise is two Komodo dragons and two student intruders."

"Already?" Nick looked dismayed as Warrick held out a hand, rubbing his fingers together in the universal gesture for 'gimme money'.

"That's fifteen bucks you owe me, bro. I told you they would try today."

Nick shook his head. "I was sure they were so hung over they'd have to wait until tomorrow."

While Nick grudgingly forked over the money, the screams died away and the hissing increased. A moment later, Warwick and Gill patted in, some pieces of torn cloth between their teeth and a look of triumph in their eyes.

"You make daddy Gil so proud," Grissom said soothingly, handing over some bacon that both dragons gulped down.

"I'm not sure how I feel about Komodo dragons named after misspelled versions of our names appearing in fanfic," Sara said, grimacing at the smell of meat as Grissom unveiled a raw steak to the increasingly happy dragons. "Sra keeps trailing me, I think she's trying to be like me in her Komodo way."

"Katharine is doing the same," Catherine muttered. "She tries to make Grissholm interact more with the other Komodos and I think she's making eyes at Warwick while hissing appreciatingly at Stoks."

"Oh, they're just trying to live up to their names," Miss Cam replied, entering with a brisk pace to her steps. "Don't worry, the dragons weren't hurt. The students will be in the hospital wing with aching behinds for a day or two and they'll probably tell fellow students about it all. I don't think we'll have more attempted student breaches for a little while."

"I give them three days," Warrick said lazily.

"Four," Catherine countered.

"Care to make a wager on that?"

II

Morning broke over OFUCSI, the student mess hall being cleaned after extensive rounds of omelet artillery, two very sore students moaning in the hospital wing, five Nick/Sara shippers trying to bagel three Warrick/Sara shippers into submission and a lot of aching heads awakening. In the staff hallway, a bucket of water lay lonely and spilt, almost like a bottle of champagne broken against a ship to celebrate the launch.

Only there weren't any bubbles. Yet. But when the omelet reacted with the spilt chemical concoction a student had been given by Hodges (as an assured 'love potion' that would make even Catherine and Nick finally see the truth in their mutual attraction, oh yes), then there would be.

Then it would be a proper launch at last. Cast off, little OFUCSI…