Chapter Six: Of Google Groping and Nefarious A/V Techs
Author's note: Without the research conducted by authors of good fic, I would have had no idea what the correct spelling for a certain location was, just that the official spelling seems to be quite wrong. Here's to research!
Archie Johnson entered the classroom, carrying his laptop and his fancy wireless mouse that he could wave in the air and make the cursor on a screen move. Never let it be said that Archie didn't like his tech toys. And even luckier for him, OFUCSI was full of them, as Ecklie found no budget too large if it offered the possibility of fanfic not portraying him as a raping, murdering, torturing, brainless obstacle to Twu Wub ever again. Whether or not that was actually possible even with all the combined budgets in the whole world was another matter.
As far as the teaching staff went, Archie was perhaps the happiest of the lot. He knew that his status as an infrequent recurring character on the TV show made him virtually immune to having bad fanfiction written about him. He was quite content in that knowledge.
And now he had the opportunity to teach OFUCSI students how to write better fiction. Maybe after they graduated, one or two of them might write good fanfic about him. He had heard rumors going around the staff that good fanfic actually existed, and he was all too happy to ensure that more of it would be produced. Maybe some of it would even have him cross over to Star Trek or Babylon 5; he had heard rumors of crossovers existing. Oo, or maybe Farscape. After a moment's daydreaming, he went about his task with even higher spirits, because he could certainly live with a trip aboard the Enterprise.
As he set up his teaching tools and hooked his laptop to the Internet, he overheard the students whispering about him.
"Who is that?" one asked in all sincerity.
"I think it's that guy who worked at the college, uh, M. Blaze."
Archie smiled a bit as he worked. There was a minor Canon contradiction involved with him; even he wasn't sure if his full name was Archie M. Blaze Johnson or if he had an identical twin named M. Blaze that he'd never met. It sometimes lead to identity crisis at breakfast, since M. Blaze liked butter on his toast and Archie wasn't sure if he did.
After he was finished, he turned around and addressed the class. "Hi, I'm Archie Johnson, and I'll be instructing this class."
A student pouted. "It said GG101 on my schedule, I thought this would be a class all about Grissom."
Shrugging, Archie said, "Sorry, no. It's Groping Google. All about the research and how to use Internet search engines to find what you need."
Many of the students were giving Archie evaluating looks. He wasn't sure what to think of that. Were they trying to figure out his "There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those that don't" shirt?
"Y'know, he's kinda hot for a total background character."
Another student nodded appreciatively. "Yeah, for a no one, he's definitely sexy."
Archie frowned, a little hurt. "A no one? Well, I guess that's all right, at least you don't write fanfiction about me."
A student in the corner bounced out of her seat. "But we do! You and Greg are perfect for each other!"
"Me...and Greg?" Archie asked, still as stone. He had not expected that. His mind struggled to compute. Greg? G-R-E-G? Nope, wasn't working.
"Yep!" the student chirped, and a few nodded in agreement.
"Greg Sanders?"
Several happy nods answered that question for Archie.
"You guys write slash about me and Greg?" Archie was incredulous by this point.
More beaming smiles.
Did he dare ask? Yes, he dared. "D-does anyone write, uh, gen...het...about me?"
"I do!" another student sang out.
Archie was quite flustered and confused by all this. He wasn't sure he wanted to know any more—it might involve a Mary Sue, and he wasn't sure which alternative was better (or worse, depending on one's point of view): having bad fictional sex with Greg or having anything to do with a Mary Sue. He wasn't even willing to find out if maybe it was Sara or Catherine...or better yet, that gorgeous programming geek Serena from a case a few years back. He cleared his throat. "Well then. I guess I'll have to talk to Grissom about better informing the staff." Then he muttered, "And that's two bets I lost to Warrick, damnit." There was an 'unshipped' pool going for the lesser-known staff, and Archie had entered, certain he could win. So had Vartann, but he'd lost fast when a student had squeed the first day about how perfect he was for Sara. O'Riley thought he stood a good chance in the pool.
II
Not all students were in class, however. Not entirely unexpected at a University, but entirely unwise at this one.
Julia and 'nette weren't worried about that just yet, for lo, they had a plan. A devious, sure-fire plan to get into the staff section and throw themselves on Grissom and never let him go. They were both rabid Geeklovers, sure (and unfortunately were roomed far too close to the GCRs and Greg/Sara shippers...it made them ill inside), but above and beyond that they were both Grissom Lusters extraordinare (except when Julia was lusting after Shakespearean tomes...although she would be in heaven if Grissom were holding said Shakespearean tome).
Yes, they had a plan. For indeed, they knew about the key card necessary to gain access to the staff elevator, but they had noticed that the fire escape had no such protection. So they huffed and puffed up the stairs outside, in the heat of the Vegas sun, climbing up to the staff floor.
When they had arrived at this brilliant plan, they had not taken into account how tall OFUCSI actually was. It was one of those casino/hotel mixes, and contained many, many floors. They also forgot to bring sunscreen or water, something their skin and throat liked to complain loudly about at every moment.
But all their sweat and toil would be worth it once they had a chance to pounce Grissom. And maybe even convince him of the truth that was Sara to make it even sweeter.
Finally, they made it to the top floor, both trying not to look down at the far away ground that was more than happy to greet them both. 'nette quietly unlocked the window, and the two stepped inside. Suddenly nervous, for they had heard tales of the Komodo dragons that patrolled the halls, they sneaked around, looking for the most likely place for a Bugman to hide.
"Maybe down this hall?" Julia whispered.
'nette nodded, hearing the strains of classical music that surely indicated the presence of their prey. "Yeah, that sounds right."
So they both closed in on the room with the classical music, both feeling like proud lionesses on the African savannah. Their prey stood no chance. Then, without warning, they heard a voice behind them.
"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?"
'nette nearly swooned on the spot. That was Grissom's sweet, sweet seductive voice all right. But how had he come up behind them so quietly?
Julia and 'nette turned to face Grissom in all his glory. Further thoughts of swooning and pouncing and whatnot fled their minds when they saw his companions—two Komodo dragons of very impressive size. They were much bigger in real life than they were in the stories Theresa and Nina had told, if that was possible.
Grissom reached down and scratched the two Komodos' heads. "Students, I'd like you to meet Luminal and Aphis."
"Hi...!" 'nette squeaked. Words were failing her. She was so close to Grissom that she thought she might die of happiness right there, but the fear induced by the Komodos was equally good at taking her words away.
"Luminal, Aphis, meet two of our recalcitrant students." The two Komodos hissed. "Get 'em!"
Proud lionesses no more, now more like mice meeting a hungry cat, Julia and 'nette turned and ran. But Luminal and Aphis were faster. The dragons caught the two frightened students by the ankles and managed to drag them, kicking and screaming, into Miss Cam's office.
Miss Cam looked up at the two dragons with mouths full of struggling student. "Oh, there's an evil dragon, yes, who's an evil dragon?" she cooed at the Komodos. "What have you brought for me today?"
Luminal and Aphis dropped 'nette and Julia at Miss Cam's feet, then sat happily. If giant monitor lizards wagged their tails, they would be wagging furiously.
Miss Cam smiled. "Go on back to Grissom, I'm sure he'll have some treats for you."
With that, the Komodos lumbered out of the room, seeking out their treats and scratches for a job well done, leaving the students at the non-existent mercy of Miss Cam. Mercy was wasted in education, as far as she was concerned and she looked down at the two frightened students with cool disapprovement.
"Ditching class to sneak into the staff section? Tsk, tsk. That won't look good on your record at all, now will it?"
"No, Miss Cam," Julia said very quietly.
"Perhaps we'll overlook this appalling behavior if you two complete over the weekend a five thousand page essay on the evils of playing hooky. With practical examples, please. Then we'll see how Archie feels about students missing class. Up, up!"
'nette and Julia stood, defeated. Before they had a chance to rub their aching ankles and their carpet burns, Miss Cam grabbed them both by the collar and marched them right down to Archie's classroom.
If Julia and 'nette didn't know better, they would have sworn the very laws of reality at OFUCSI were working against them - but that couldn't be, could it?
II
"Okay, class, now that I've got the Internet hooked up, I'll be showing you the basics of using Google and other search engines for research. Every good fanfic will need a little research, after all. So, the first thing we will cover is diseases and health issues!"
The angst writers knitted their brows. Why couldn't they just make up illnesses?
"I know what you're thinking, 'Why can't we just make up illnesses?' Well, you can, but if you want a decent Fatalius Diseasus, why not look up some good symptoms? You might even find out that there's a real disease that will work just as well."
Archie used his magic wand mouse to move the cursor around the screen so he could open up Firefox. "Internet Exploder is of the devil, you know." Then he quickly typed in the address for Google. "OK, here we are. Let's start out with some diseases and conditions we already know my colleagues have..." He typed in 'otosclerosis'. "Yeah, we all know Grissom was going deaf, now that it doesn't matter."
The results came up on the big screen. "Look, about 69,000 records! I'm sure you can find something useful in that. Of course, it takes practice knowing what links to follow. There's also the 'cached' link, right here," he pointed at it with his magic mouse, "which will highlight the word for you so you can find what you need easier in a large document.
"Let's follow this one," Archie said, then clicked a link. "Ah, that's interesting. It's most common in women and pregnancy makes it worse." He looked at the class with a bright smile. "Think there's something Grissom's not telling us?"
Many students giggled at the joke, but what Archie didn't realize was that he'd infected one or two of them with the idea of writing a Grissom mpreg fic. That was just as well, as he hadn't read any mpreg and probably would have run screaming into the night if he had. It was a common reaction; it took the staff three days to find Nick, who had been wandering the streets in a fugue after he found out about being in one. Warrick had to be sedated, while Grissom had gone Zen on them and then promptly locked himself in his office for hours trying to concoct actual brain bleach. Greg had headdesked himself into a concussion. Fortunately for the sanity of the OFUCSI staff, mpreg was a relative rarity in CSI fanfic. So far. Miss Cam had experience from Lord of the Rings and knew all too well how fast a trend could suddenly catch on. Even one that involved men with wombs.
If Grissom ever found out what such an innocent remark had sparked,Archie would rue the day that he tried to make jokes with the student body of OFUCSI. One never knew what they would take out of context...
"Moving on," Archie said, "you'll note that otosclerosis is obviously related to deafness. That would naturally lead to research on American Sign Language." He typed ASL into the browser, netting nearly two million hits. "Link and learn. You'll get more education on languages in later courses, but keep in mind that ASL isn't English and isn't a language you can write a fanfic in, so write it as if you were translating. Good research will tell you that ASL involves more than hand signs, so look it up and see what else you might have to describe if necessary.
"Deafness will also lead to Deaf culture, so do a bit of research into that if you plan on writing much on the subject. Not everyone who is deaf is Deaf, so learn the difference if your fic addresses it!"
Archie then typed 'shaking hand' into Google. "Well, that got us a lot of results we don't want, so we have to use different words. I think you guys can handle looking up burns on your own, most people have a basic enough grasp on the concept not to completely screw it up, but what about shaking hands? Some people like to write that Greg's hands shook for reasons other than fear, so let's see what we can find. Let's try 'tremor'."
He typed, and many different results came up. A student asked, "But, there's so much! And it's all on different subjects!"
"Yeah, that's where your skills in reasoning come in. If you're looking for a medical tremor, you aren't going to click on the links leading to a band's website, right?"
"Well, yeah," the girl said, chagrined. She wasn't used to this whole research thing, so why did Archie act like it was obvious what she should do? Did he think she had time to look up all this when she spent so much time begging for reviews? There was only so much time in a day, after all.
"OK, then. So let's click on this one." Archie picked a site that mentioned doctors in the description. "Whoa, too much information there, let's try a site that's more specific. Google's here to help you find specifics, not dump you on a five gigabyte site with hundreds of thousands of files worth of info to sift through." He pressed back and then clicked on a different link. "OK, this is pretty specific. Technical, but you can glean a lot from this. Do searches on terms you don't understand, and maybe you'll find what you're looking for. Just make sure you're careful with real, possibly disabling medical conditions like deafness and movement disorders. You're likely gonna have readers who know about these things from the inside out, and that's a tough reader to catch if you completely mess it up. And be especially careful with mental illness, learning disorders, or any kind of drug, prescription or not. Research those like your life depended on it if you're going to use them. You might do worse than make a reader laugh at your ignorance; you might seriously offend them."
"But...but...it's fantasy! It's free speech! I can write whatever I want!"
Archie rolled his eyes at this. "Well, sure, you can, but you wouldn't be here if you were doing it well. It's always a serious matter pissing off readers with your stupidity. You don't have to research until you're an expert, but enough to write it convincingly. Don't know how Grissom feels with a migraine? Google it! You might find out that he could take a drug that gets rid of them in a half hour, short-circuiting your fic of angst and woe, but...what can I say? You can get around that obstacle with a bit of creativity, can't you? Plus you might learn some actual symptoms that could be used to amp up the angst."
The angst writers brightened at this. They had no idea that actually reading about symptoms could give them good ideas!
Archie smirked a bit. "That's right, angst writers, real research can get you real results. Just keep in mind that if you have someone on a ventilator, they can't talk. Do your research! And for the love of God, if you're going to write character death stories, find good, logical ways for them to die. Some of the diseases I've heard about killing my friends in fanfic aren't actually, you know, fatal."
Several students squirmed in their seats. They knew they were guilty, but now they had to look up why.
"Now let's take a look at some conditions that you fluff writers might be interested in." Archie typed in 'pregnancy symptoms'. "Oh, this is a good one. Nearly 4.5 million links chock full of information. With so much, it's a good idea to click on several links to get a nice cross section of info, better chance at getting something reliable. For instance, this site says women can get morning sickness as early as a week in, while this site says it commonly starts after a month, but could begin as early as a week, and sometimes not at all. If you had just stuck with the first site, you wouldn't have had as reliable information.
"There are also two other research tools for you. MapQuest and maps . google . com. They're good for finding street names, locations, distances...say, from Las Vegas to Lake Mead or such. Use other search engines if you want to know about the usual weather or topography for an area. Let's see what they have to say about Sara's birthplace, Tamales Bay." Archie typed the new sites in and then 'tamales bay ca' into the field. "Well, MapQuest can't find it." He went to Google Maps. "Nope, not here either. Hmm. We know it's around San Francisco somewhere...let's make sure I spell that right...Google Maps let you drag the map around with the mouse, so let's look there..." Archie dragged the map around until he spotted something suspicious. "Well, well. It seems a lot of people are wrong. Tamales Bay (which, honestly sounds silly, is it next to Burritos Bay?) doesn't appear to exist, but Tomales Bay does. I think someone official spelled something wrong. Oops!"
Oops indeed. Only at OFUCSI, 'Oops' had specific consequences.
Up in the staff section, Gil Grissom, Al Robbins, Sara Sidle, and Miss PA watched on happily as one of the Komodo dragon eggs hatched. Its little dragon face poked out, and Sara, being who the Komodo was connected to and therefore feeling almost like a mother said, "Your name is Tamales Bay!" The parents, Lake Meade and Los Vegas, looked about as proud as a Komodo could, which wasn't much. But they were indeed proud, for their hatchling was like unto royalty, being named for an official CBS goof the way Robbings was, and Robbings was a very big, strong, and excellent leader in the Komodo community.
Back down in the Groping Google class, Archie was shutting down the equipment, just as Miss Cam dragged 'nette and Julia into the room. Archie nodded to Miss Cam, and then said, "I hope you all learned something today. To make sure, I'm going to assign a hundred thousand—"
"PAGES!" the students shrieked in dismay.
"No, hundred thousand word paper on research using Internet tools, on various subjects, but definitely include a section on how not to treat a high fever (you know how many times you've nearly melted someone's brain with blankets?), due next class." There was a very loud and audible sigh of relief. "For my two students who were ditching, that'll be two hundred thousand words."
Julia and 'nette slumped in their seats. Miss Cam left, satisfied.
"Why do you assign words instead of pages?" a student asked.
Archie answered, "You'll have to e-mail the papers to me, and with a word count, you can't write an essay in 1,052 point Courier to fill up the pages fast."
"Oh." That destroyed her plan, anyway, and it had felt so brilliant this morning, too. Maybe it would still work for other classes...
One particularly bold student said, "Hey, you do the A/V, right? You suppose you could be bribed to hack into the staff section security cameras?"
Archie tapped his chin. "Eh, sure. I'll hook the feed into all of the monitors and TVs on campus. But you'll have to write at least ten thousand words on what you see. You can watch it while you do your research paper on research."
The class was gleeful as they exited. So was Archie, but for entirely unrelated reasons.
For indeed, Archie did as he was asked, and he hooked all the monitors and TVs in the entirety of OFUCSI (except in the staff section) to one of the security cameras. He happened to pick the one that showed Ecklie reading a book in the staff sauna.
And his students had to write ten thousand words on the subject. Two shirtless staff members in one week, and this time it was Ecklie. Their anguish was palpable as they watched in horror, unable to escape the grim sight.
Fate was a cruel, shirtless master - even more so when it turned out Ecklie himself read the essays and very few of them were flattering to him. No student could escape his wrath - or his idea of Big Brother: Ecklie Sauna Edition.